My Father has dementia and A-fib.
He has had his license taken away (no independence) and lives at home with me where he wants to continue to live as long as he can.
He despises the idea of assisted living.
He is on a fluid restriction to about 40 oz per day and a salt-free diet.
He drinks more coffee than that while I am at work and eats whatever he wants during the day.
Alcohol is not recommended for him but sometimes when he gets frustrated at his situation or can't sleep he wants to have a glass of wine or scotch & water.
I know these things are not good for him but I want him to have SOME choice of the things he can and can't do.
Am I wrong?
This is all a new situation for the both of us and sometimes he "tests" like a small child would.
Should I "spank him" by taking these things away or allow him "moderately" to continue?
I do not want to be cruel or harsh or anything like that especially in these later years.
He has no illusions about living forever and I know his dementia will get worse as time goes by.
HE is expecting to die in his sleep, quick and easy but I doubt if he will be so "lucky".
It would be a shame for him to take care of himself so that his body outlives his reason but at the same time I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
ALSO...I am not "power of attorney" I am the caregiving son.
Can there be repercussions for me for not being a strict enforcer of my Father's diet?
My husband had a-fib, chf, and dementia. He was supposed to reduce his salt intake. There were no restrictions on the amount of liquid and he did take a diuretic. Both his neurologist and geriatrician said 2 glasses of wine or beer per day were OK (in spite of taking MANY medications). We were pretty good about eating well but rejected the recommendation for a soft-food diet. His geriatrician said her goal for him was to "be happy" and that he should eat whatever he wanted that did not usually cause choking. My 90 yo mother got the same advice.
How important is eating to your father? How happy would a glass of wine with dinner make him?
The doctor's dietary recommendations don't have the force of law. They are just suggestions about what would most likely (in his/her opinion) promote good health.
I know that you don't want something bad to happen to your father. Something bad has already happened. There are few things in my opinion that are more bad than dementia. Having excess fluid around his heart or lungs is bad. Being depressed because of his limited choices is bad. Not being able to take pleasure in his food is bad. Somehow you have to juggle all those factors and decide, overall, what is least bad, or which bad possibilities you and your father are most willing to risk. This is not easy, and it is not something you can look up in a guidebook. You and dad (while he is able) need to make custom decisions just for him. What other people decide might be interesting but shouldn't dictate your decisions.
It might be helpful to have a detailed discussion with the doctor or a dietitian about each suggestion/restriction. What, specifically, might happen if he continues to intake a lot of salt? Why is caffeine supposed to be limited? How long is he supposed to stay under 40 ounces of liquid? What are the risks of not doing that? You can make better decisions with better information.
My heart goes out to you both while you struggle with this.
I, and my family, have chosen quality over quantity. Unfortunately, my father's life now has very little quality. I am glad we chose to give him quality while we could. Only you and your family can decide what is best for you and yours.
Bless you for taking care of your father. I too have put my life on hold to take care of my parents. I think in the end it will be how I deal with losing them. But again, only you can make that decision. Just take care of yourself, including taking breaks and taking care of your health.
He "took a loan" on his half of the house WE are supposed to inherit together.
He conveniently snatched my Father's checkbooks and is having all his financial documents mail-rerouted to HIS house (because he has power of attorney of course).
Who is to know if he is making any payments on the money?
Supposedly I can "buy the house for $1.00" and he gives up any interest he has in the house.(the house MAY bring $270K if I sold it)
This is my brother's way of sticking ME with an old 5 bedroom house I don't need in a city I don't like.(I have no kids and my wife died over 10 years ago)
Nice, easy, clean for HIM...if I get the house at all...who knows if the "kangaroo contract" he drew up holds any water?
My plan is to keep the house as long as my Father can live in it so he will be in familliar surroundings.
He is out of touch with the digital world...was before his dementia started accelerating and anything he knows gives him comfort.
I hear horror stories that if an elderly person goes into assisted living and runs out of money, they go after the house if the deed was transferred less than 5 years before no matter who owns it...or try to get the buy money.
My Brother also gets very curt, defensive and down right ignorant if you ask him about ANYTHING. (like HE is really doing much living as far as he does)
He just snatched 150K from my Father's estate and bought a condo in Florida.
He will go into a Hospital and declare that he has POA and suddenly the Doctors and staff don't talk to anybody but him. (if I gotta live with my Father I would expect I should be the one to hear the medical details directly)
He has siezed all my Father's financial assets (including the deed to my Father's house which I am supposed to end up with), "doublespeaks" on medical information and my Father's health status after Doctor visits (slanted toward his own purposes) and is not realistic with many decisions considering that he lives 35 miles away and I am the "caregiver"...here with my Father daily.
When I question HIM, he gets extremely combatative and ignorant to the point I would normally "take to blows". (if he were a stranger ANY man would have hit him by now)
He insists that he does everything at my Father's request but nobody else is ever around to hear my Father make these requests...and my Father disputes and wants to bicker with ME about every new infringement.
I don't know...supposedly Dementia turns one paranoid and hostile to family members but I have "tripped my brother up" enough to be suspicious too.
Is my Father's constant paranoid ranting making ME too suspicious?
I have seen what happens in some families toward someone's end and it can be pretty ugly.
Should I push to have "guardian" status since I am caregiver?
The situation is frustrating enough from my Pop's medical condition...it is even tougher when it looks like my brother is betraying the family.
My Brother took his "half" of the house already. (at least it is supposed to look that way)
With his P.O.A., he seized all the family documents, controls my Father's Invesment Income and is having all the mail pertinent to same routed directly to his house...nobody there to audit him.
I have spoken to my Father about the sale of the house so at least he will have a place to live and my Brother cannot sell it out from under him.
See All Answers