Sensitive caregiver relationship subject. Thoughts?

I’ve been living in a sexless marriage for, I’m utterly embarassed to say for over 30 years. No handholding, kisses,hugs etc. Its so wrong & I do miss the contact. My husband has acted like my touch is poison. I’ve thought about divorce but we never did anything about it. I just put him in memory care Thurs, & the relief is overwhelmingly amazing. No more fights about everything. I dont feel that I could go out with anyone, I think I’d feel guilty. That may change as we’re apart & he really doesnt know who I am. I think time will tell. We each have to make that decision & just do the best we can

Maybe you can join your religious for group get togethers? Become a member of your Church or Synagogue? Perhaps other spouses in similar situations? If you engage in empty “sex”with someone you hardly know..that would probably make you feel emptier. My opinion…Hugs 🤗

catzndogz, the way I look at this situation, what if it was reversed? Would you be happy if your wife wanted to step out and find someone to have a physical relationship?

Just food for thought.

I am going to assume that your wife has also been to some sort of therapy/counseling to see if there is anything that can be done to help her overcome her discomfort (be it physical/mental/emotional) of physical contact or intimacy. If she hasn't, *please* try that first before you bring a third person into your marriage.

The concern I would have were I you in this situation: while your intentions might be "physical contact only with no emotional attachments" and the person with whom you strike up this relationship might have the same intentions, what happens if it turns into *more* than that? What if you/other person begin to develop deeper feelings for each other? Where does this leave your disabled wife?

Since I can't imagine a life with no physical contact from my spouse, I am in no way judging you morally; it seems that this decision, even the consideration of it, is causing you great heartache. Do you think you're the kind of man who could have a long-standing physical, intimate relationship with another woman and yet keep that woman at "arm's length" so to speak?

I sincerely hope you can find a solution to this very sad situation.

If you're not looking for one night stands and casual hook-ups that's understandable. From what I gather from your post, is that you might not know exactly what you're looking for. This is something you need to give a lot of thought to, and discuss with your wife.

Would the two of you be comfortable being part of a 'throuple' with another woman? This would mean three people in the relationship. No secrets. No clandestine trysts. Total honesty. Only two of the people have sex.
Or would you be better suited to a long-term booty call? Just one person that you only see and only for sex. No emotional complications and no risky random hook-ups. There are social websites that fit everyone's tastes. Do some research. When you figure out exactly what works for you and your wife, you put up a profile explaining exactly what you're looking for. If your wife wants to be part of it, when you start getting hits on your profile, you and your wife start interviewing potential candidates.
I think a 'throuple' might be exactly what you and your wife will be most comfortable with.

I am in a very similar boat. It has only been 7-8 months since our last interlude, but it's been no more than a handful of times per year for several years. You seem to at least be handling it without cracking, so far. My situation has contributed to regular recurring fights and now I don't even know whether my wife will be ok with even as much "open" marriage as we had discussed as recently as last year.

It seems to me your whole relationship has been you caring and not getting anything in return. You must have loved her to marry her after she started having her health problems. Its a shame you both have not had the intimacy we all need as humans. You really didn't have enough time to experience what a marriage really is.

I think I understand where your coming from. Its not the physical contact so much as just having someone to talk to. Maybe have a cup of coffee with, a nice dinner out. Someone in the same boat who understands. Maybe even just text back and forth. Something in your life to look forward to.

My heart really aches for you.

I understand the need for physical closeness, not even necessarily sex, just the touch of another person's hand, being held, the skin to skin contact that we intuitively crave. I think that's more what you're missing.

My DH and I have been 'brother and sister' for 8 years. He had a really severe motorcycle accident then and his personality really changed. Hasn't touched me since, Probably doesn't kiss me more than one 'brotherly' kiss in a month's time. If I take his hand, I can literally feel the twitchy 'let go of me' muscles in his hand.

This is NOT what I thought our "golden years" would be. Not at all. And he refuses to discuss it, so it is what it is. I'm not going to beg him for affection.

I won't sit in judgment if you find someone who also just wants a 'friends with benefits' arrangement. I know a few people who have those (and I am considered to be a really religious person--sex outside of marriage is not smiled upon).

Life is not what we planned at all, is it? I NEVER would have imagined a totally affection-free marriage at age 65. (Well, since I was 57, actually).

I love my husband, I know he loves me. He just has zero sex drive. So, hopefully, in time, I won't have one either!

It's the needing to be touched that I miss. Just his hand on my back or holding mine.

As weird as life is, my 69 yo sister just complained to me that her 70 yo husband wants sex 3-4 times a week and she's TIRED.

I hope you find a companion and also hope you can work through this. Seems like life is pretty random at matching us up, isn't it?

You know I see this from a very different perspective. A very dear friend of mine just recently lost his wife to Alzheimers. She was in a memory care facility for about 6 months, things had been very bad at home for him trying to take care of her for a long time before then. It had been years of caregiving before he finally admitted he couldn't do it any longer on his own. She very rarely if ever knew who he was. She was violent and it was dangerous for him to keep her home any longer. He loved her very much. There is no doubt in my mind. He visited her regularly. He still did his duty as her husband. And during all of that, he met and fell in love with another woman.
Now let me say, I fully understand that this situation is different from what catzndogz is describing. But there are parallels. It is a deeply personal decision that only the people in the relationship have any right to make. At first when my friend starting see this other woman I admit, part of me was kind of appalled. And then I realized that it was none of my business first and foremost, and secondly when I really thought about it, his wife, the beautiful, vibrant, loving woman that he had married - was gone. Alzheimers had robbed both he and his wife of HER! She had been gone a long time. This new woman who came into his life had not only renewed his spirit and given him the will to keep going but also given him a renewed energy when he visited his wife. He didn't stop loving his wife. He never stopped visiting her, he never took this woman to visit his wife or rubbed her in her face, they were discreet, he was considerate. But his mental and emotional health improved and he was able to actually be stronger for his wife too.
So, as distasteful as this subject may be for some, this has to be between catzndogz and his wife. I would say though - you really need to be sure that she is truly ok. Too many reality tv shows (I know, I know) are built on a spouse saying "I'm 100% ok with (insert behavior here)" and then spending 13 episodes destroying the other spouse because of said behavior. You may both need some therapy before and after to deal with it to be honest. And you probably need to explore if it is about companionship or physical satisfaction - because of course there are other ways to provide that.

And as far as where to find it - well there I'm afraid I'm going to fall short - my friend met his new love at church - but they were both looking for companionship- not just a friends with benefits kind of thing so I would assume that you have to be very careful because you are probably looking for the kind of women you would want to have a relationship with if you were in the market for a relationship - but you also want to find women who don't want one - tricky business! Support groups for spouses with disabled spouses might be an option? I don't know. I wish you the best - and I suggest that you also do something special for your wife - you really need to remember that if she is truly on board with this that just because she isn't able to be physical with you - it doesn't meant that she doesn't still have those emotional and mental needs that need to be met and if she is willing to let you go get your physical needs met elsewhere you need to go above and beyond to make sure she gets her emotional needs met!!

Depending on your age, there are older people websites like Ourtime, Match. to name 2

Wow. Her disability doesn’t give you license to cheat on her. And yes it’s cheating even if she knows about it. Even if she says it’s fine, how do you think she’ll feel when she is at home alone, knowing you’re getting it on with someone else?

You got married and part of that vow was to forsake all others and enduring sickness and health. Not ‘until my wife is disabled and I really want to get laid’.

I agree with the therapist. In support groups I have seen the same situation. The healthy spouse found companionship elsewhere but never abandoned the disabled one. That seemed to give them strength to carry on. It is definitely a personal choice.