My mother is starting to make end of life decisions as to how she wants things done. She has 5 children living and one sibling (the one she lives with) feels that all of her children should "chip in" and pay for cremation services and monument costs. How are final costs usually handled? My mother has no life insurance, however does have savings to cover costs needed to pre-plan her wishes. Not all children are able to contribute to these costs, WWIII is about to break out over this situation, HELP!
My nephew passed at 21 years old and my family had no money for anything, I offered to pay, told my brother to do some arraignment, nothing extraordinary and nothing over state lines, he calls me with the name of a FH and screams that it will cost about 25k. What? No, I'm not paying to sooth consciences, none of them had any contact for a couple of years and now they needed this. When I said that needed to be revised to a simple and cheaper service none of them would talk to me, 3 months later the Medical Examiner called me and said the family needs to do something or the state would cremate his remains and dispose of them, essentially flushing them down the sewer. When I left msgs for all 9 of them to this effect, it still took my brother 6 weeks to get me the paperwork to be able to do anything. I have a firm believe that if you don't want your remains to be handled this way, you better make arraignments, as families can get nutty when someone passes, obviously at 21 who would but his dad just went away, I guess he thought if he didn't deal with it, it wasn't true. However, when we had the celebration of life, he didn't even show up and his mom found out on the internet by finding his obituary. Long story to say let her know what can happen if there is no arraignment and no money with siblings at odds. Let it be her choice and leave it there.
I had my nephew cremated and his remains separated into enough portions that his parents and siblings each received a bag with a note that said "Take me some place special that we shared together, remember the good times as you say good bye" all of his 7 siblings loved that they could do that privately and personally. My brother, nothing pleases him, so at least the kids were happy.
My mom died with no pre-paid arrangement and no written wishes. She died suddenly but not totally unexpectedly — if that makes any sense.
I was not the only stakeholder in Mom’s life, but I was her only biological child.
I had to think fast and (initially) front all the money. Ultimately, no one was 100% happy with the arrangements I chose. INCLUDING ME.
And the price tag is nauseating. What a racket. Simple cremation costs entirely too much. Then the prices escalate from there.
At the same time, I totally understand the “ostrich routine” that the old folks pull. Don’t want to have an uncomfortable convo. Don’t want to admit that their Exit Fantasy is outside of the family budget. Now let’s factor in the faith-based shoulds and shouldn’ts.
UGH.
My late sister-in-law was a quilter and they wrapped her cardboard box with her favorite fabric and put her in her spot at the cemetery. I felt you CAN take it with you.
If you have money, the sky is the limit.
I could have cut back on the Mass cards as I realize with each generation they became less and less popular. The church had printed out a very nice handout with a photo of my parent on the front. I really didn't need a signature book, but I know those can be helpful if a lot of people would be attending the service.
I also didn't have any reception afterwards... I was just too exhausted to even think about having one.
As I understand it, your mom is currently legally competent but does have some physical incapacity and needs some assistance (incontinence, transportation, etc.), e.g. a level of care that would cost her $3,500 to $5,000 monthly in an assisted living facility. Most importantly, you said she is "happy and at peace." Based just on that limited information, it seems likely that an investigation by Adult Protective Services would result in finding that her living/financial situation is good and not at all abusive.
Maybe your brother could provide your mom's care for less or even for absolutely no financial compensation, as many adult children do, but in your family meeting you should discuss what is fair for him and wise for your mom, given that she may need to apply for Medicaid in the future when her level of care exceeds what your brother is capable of providing, e.g. a level of care that will cost $6,000 to $12,000 per month in a facility. Whatever your brother is charging your mom now or in the future, it should be via a contract/caregiver agreement that conforms to Florida's specific Medicaid rules.
You are so right about the burial prices being out of reach for a growing number of families.
Also you are right about the dead parent, sometimes, unrealistic wishes, for the funeral and burial.
My cousin's father wanted a two-person walk-in mausoleum.
They simply could not abide by his wishes because the price tag was: $120,000-$585,000, just for the mausoleum.
My cousin, an only child, feels guilty about that, but I do not think he should. The father's wishes were unrealistic, and if that is what he really wanted, he could have and should have pre-paid.
Back to your original question of whether children should pay for a parent's burial -- a few years ago, before I became my dad's guardian and conservator, I suggested to my 7 siblings that my dad's assets should be used to pre-pay at least some of his future burial expenses. Only one of the 4 siblings who regard me as evil responded and as my dad's trustee she opposed the idea, so I didn't pursue it further at that time, but now as his conservator it's back on my to-do list, along with a 1,000 other things.
According to one website, the variation of allowed limits from state to state are between 5,000 USD to 15,000 USD. I believe here in CT it is even lower than 5,000 USD.
Like your brother, I had to focus on my dad's well-being and had to stop trying to appease siblings who did not help and instead only questioned my actions while refusing to believe any answers -- I simply did not have the time or energy to appease them while providing my dad's care. Like your mom, my dad (and mom) lived their lives helping their children, even when they were elderly and it was hard for them to help, and now some of them go on cruises and travel far and frequently, but never or almost never to see our dad.
Thank you, tam1046, for your kind words and the understanding you've gained by observing the care your brother provides your mom. I suspect some of your insight comes from being an RN -- all the nurses who've helped my dad and me have been great.