So, I'm 21 and living at home still. Things at home are really tough. My parents are sorta emotionally abusive (not going into too much details, not the point) and we fight a lot. But despite that, I have my own space and mostly a lot of freedom. However, they now want me to move out and move in with my nana who's having some medical issues. I love my nana very much. I really do. But I have lived with her in the past and she is extremely difficult to live with. Her house is disgusting and smells like cat pee, carpet is stained with dog sh*t, she hoardes, she's got strange nit picky things, she doesn't give privacy, she opens the door when I'm asleep and looks at me then leaves the door open and walks away, she uses forks to scratch her back and puts them back in the clean drawer, her other dishes are filthy, she's extremely over dramatic and thinks everyone is out to get her, and I know she won't let me have my boyfriend over or let us have any privacy if she does. And if she does or if I go to his place, she's going to guilt me for not spending time with her. She already guilt trips me when I don't call her. My relationship is still kinda new (almost 2 years so not brand new) and we're still very affectionate and romantic and of course, do what adults do in a relationship. I feel she won't give me privacy for it or will ask me questions that I don't wanna talk about or that she'll hear us. She already tells us to get a room when we're all at my house and we're cuddling or kissing a little. At my house, no one can really hear because I'm all the way in the back of the house. I'd be right next to her room if I moved in. And she constantly asks inapropiate questions. Ex; asking my boyfriend when he's gonna marry me and give me kids! We're so young and not ready and she asks us this almost every time she talks to either of us. She'd probably ask every single day while living with her... While I will admit life at home is rough, at least I can get away and have privacy and my house isn't disgusting. I'm only about to be 22 and my life is just beginning, I'm trying to get a full time job and move out with my boyfriend. But I feel like she's gonna hold me back from it. I love my nana so much, but I don't feel it's fair for someone my age to be taking care of her when she's falling and having medical problems and giving her medicine. I have no training whatsoever in elder Care. I also have medical issues of my own I'm dealing with (stomach problems). And they just expect me to drop everything, and move out and take care of her myself just to move out faster than I am able to with my boyfriend... I don't know what to do. I don't wanna seem selfish, but I also don't want to lose the life I've just begun to have to take care of my nana....
And I am a grandma, wishing you all the best of life at such a young age.
Don't get me wrong, work, having responsibility is a very good thing. Look forward to a good career, good relationships, and living on your own.
You are not selfish if you don't take care of someone.
It's your nana's responsibility to take care of herself, if she can't, then your parents can help arrange care for her. IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It's very selfish of them to foist that huge responsibility one you. DO NOT TAKE IT ON.
Get a job as quickly as you can and move out on your own.
A side note. Learn to say no. People who say yes when they want to say no will be walked all over.
"I just don't know why they want the 22 year old they still call a 'teenager' to take care of my mom's mom. And why she isn't the one taking care of her. Or my aunt. "
I do know why. Your mom and your aunt know it's an impossible job to take care of someone who doesn't want to take care of herself, so they push that dirty impossible job on you. They are very selfish.
You're not getting on well with your parents. You want to move out. Your grandmother needs some help and has space. You could move in with her and make yourself useful. [n.b. this is your parents' possible point of view I'm describing, not mine.]
It is one obvious solution to everyone's current difficulties. It's just not a good one.
My point of view is that you should focus on getting that better, full-time job; and then you and your boyfriend - if he's equally keen on the idea, of course - can look for somewhere affordable to live. If you do that, make sure you don't get yourself into a position where you have nowhere else to go should it not work out.
A little old lady who resists medical and family advice on taking care of herself is not going to agree to leave her home and move in with her daughter. So stop blaming your aunt for not taking her in. How many 'unnecessary' bedrooms she chooses to waste her money on is entirely her business and not for anyone else to judge.
A mother and father who have a 21 nearly 22 year old living at home (rent-free?), working, spending her leisure time in her room or with her boyfriend, and - how can I put my guess - being a bit touchy perhaps? - are apt to look on empty-nesters with envy instead of pity. This will improve by itself, as you make progress with your plans. What are the typical sources of conflict? Any you can let slide, and reduce the friction that way?
As to grandma: let's say you do land that job (I'm rooting for you, I'd love to hear more about what sort of thing you're aiming at). So you'll be working full-time, and forging ahead, and with general success relationships tend to go well so you and your boyfriend should be feeling pretty positive and you'll naturally want to spend the bulk of your free time with him.
By the way - it has struck me, over the years, that the happiest and most secure of young ladies, such as my daughters' peers, have good female friends as well as nice boyfriends. Do you have the support of a strong friendship circle?
Back to grandma. So there you are, doing well, and then where does grandma fit into your life? This isn't a rhetorical question, it's a practical one and an important part of establishing your personal boundaries. You do love your grandma. You are a responsible adult. Think about how much time you are *willing* to give her regularly, and what kind of support you are *willing* to offer her. Then do that.
The thing is, it's a fine thing to give time and care to older generations; but this is never a solo effort and it's not all or nothing. Don't get pushed into thinking that because you feel pressure to be her primary caregiver (no thank you!) you can only resist that by having nothing to do with her at all.
I agree that it would be absurd for a young granddaughter to take over primary responsibility for an elder's care when there are at least two more experienced and more closely related adults available to share it. It's a silly idea. Treat it as such.
OK. So she will get angry. SO WHAT? You can't live your life being afraid that someone will be mad at you. You are young so this will come with time, but know that matured confident adults still do what they need to do even if others disappove of them.
Your conversation may go something like this...
You: Mom, I am not moving in with grandma. I'm going to get a full time job and move out. I need to work and take care of myself.
Mom: You won't stay with nana and take care of her? You selfish @#$%$###$....
You: I am learning how to take care of myself. I can't take care of anyone else. Or
You: That's not my job or my responsibility. Or
You: Sorry, I can't do that. That's not what I want to do with my life. Or
Go on the offense.
You: You and aunt __ are her children, you two should be the ones taking care of her or hire help for her. I don't want that job.
Your mom will be angry at you, but she will learn to respect you and your autonomy.
Come back and update us. We'll be here for moral support.
This is a test. Learning how to say No. Not an easy thing especially for my generation. Say No for all the reasons you listed. "Sorry NO, I refuse to live in that filthy house with no privacy." Tell Mom that actually APS should be called to investigate because no sane person would live that way. I think your being looked at as an easy solution to a problem that no one wants to deal with. Her children should be finding ways to get Mom evaluated and some help. May just have to be a NH.
It is difficult caregiving when you want to do it. Your parents should be looking after your grandmother not you. You are so young and inexperienced. Being supportive is fine, but not being the primary caregiver.