Should I not tell my sister when my mom dies, per her wishes?
I know, the question sounds insane. You would almost have to have grown up in my family to understand why I'm even asking. So here's the background info. My mom is in a NH with close to end-stage Alzheimer's. I have spent my health taking care for her for over 10 years while my do-nothing sister angled for her money, stole from her, verbally abused her, and tried to kidnap her once. (Yes, she tried to take my mom to her state--with no one's knowledge-- so she could have access to mom's social security check.) Don't misunderstand the words "spent my health"; I would do it again in a heartbeat. Spent my health simply states a fact that every caregiver who actually cares, understands.
Mom has been in a nursing home for almost 3 years. Although my sister is retired, she has never visited mom once and never asked how she is doing. The only thing she's ever showed any interest in is my mother's belongings. But that aside.
My mom specifically TOLD me not to even tell my sister when she dies. She said this years ago when she was more cognizant, and she stuck to it.
My sister is bossy, a drama queen, and has a penchant for chaos. She likes to "take over" for the sake of taking over. In the past 20 years, she has come to see my mom about 7 times and has called her only 5 times: New Years Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Her Birthday, and Christmas. The times she visited, it was for the purpose of having a NY crash pad, NOT to spend time with my mother.
In my mother's last months before going into the nursing home, when her dementia was getting worse, my sister called often. Once, she called while I was there. My mom sat there looking so scared and upset that I took the phone away from her ear. What I heard was nothing less than abusive vitriol, so I hung the phone up. My poor mom....
Anyway, now my sister has resurfaced. I could go on and on about her taking my mom's jewelry and saying she would only help me care for our mom if I paid her $800 a month, but I won't. There are a million terrible stories I could tell, but I won't. The point is, I deeply distrust her, she may have mental problems, and she would definitely cause a scene if she came to my mom's memorial.
Before my mom's diagnosis, she said she wanted to be cremated and that she did not want a funeral. I told my sister, figuring that she, too, should be aware of my mom's wishes. She said "NO! NO!," in a very definitely way, as if the decision were her's, and proceeded to take my head off verbally.
My mom signed paperwork with an attorney designating me as the person with authority to dispose of her remains. I plan to carry out her wishes. There will be no funeral per mom's wishes, but I am choosing to do a simple memorial service after she is cremated.
Though sis has resurfaced (she was previously ignoring my texts and attempts to connect), she has STILL not asked about our mom. That tells me everything I need to know. I see so clearly now that she could care less.
When my mom first told me not to tell my sister when she died, I didn't protest, but I had no intention of doing something so over-the-top. Now I see the wisdom in it. I'm seriously considering doing just that. Letting her know after the fact, "Mom passed away on such and such date. Per her wishes there was no funeral. She has been cremated and her cremains are buried at such and such cemetery."
I just want my mom's memorial to be drama-free and that will NOT happen with my sister around.
Thoughts?
So keep on looking out for Mom and follow her wishes. Sis can jump up and down and scream but there is nothing to be had. You can also instruct the nursing home that your sister is not allowed to see your Mom without you being present and agreeing.
My mom is in a nursing home on Medicaid. The only thing she presently has to her name is a resident account where $50 per month is deposited. I pay for her toiletries, replacement clothing, treats, nice bedding for her room and the private aide she had for a little over a year. This amount is much more than $50 per month. As her POA, I withdraw the money from her resident account and have it conservatively invested in a fund that will cover her final expenses. There is a life insurance policy as well. Small face value. It will just about pay for her headstone. I have paid the premium for years.
I am the executor of her will and also her health care proxy.
We were not rich people. Mom rented an apartment most of her life, where I also grew up. My mom taught me to be a good saver, a hard worker, and a person of integrity. I am now fairly comfortable. My sister, on the other hand, lived beyond her means, felt she was entitled to more than she could afford, and now struggles.
Though my mom has a will, it lists only belongings. There's no money to be had; everything she saved will just about cover her final expenses.
When my mom entered the nursing home, she needed to give up her apartment. My sister demanded everything that was "hers" in the will. I asked her to please come get anything she wants. She never came. I was paying for my mom's apartment (including rent and utilities) for those 3 months while I waited for my sister and she put me off. I couldn't really afford to keep doing that. So in month 3, I turned in the key to the landlord. Yes, I had reached out to her in the interim, but she just gave me lip service. I finally realized she was never coming. She had promised to help me pay the rent, but that never happened, of course.
Standard procedure for vacated apartments is for the landlord to put the belongings on the street for garbage collection. To avoid this, I sold or donated mom's large furniture since I wasn't able to carry it out myself and had nowhere to put it even if I could have carried it out myself. Every penny of the money went into an envelope for mom. I used it to buy her anything she said she wanted during her first year adjusting to the nursing home. The little bit that was left went into the account for her final expenses. (The furniture was very old. Good condition, but not worth a whole lot of money.) Anything that was my sisters, including pictures of her and my mother, was boxed and sent to her. (She already had my mom's good jewelry via theft.) Some of the smaller things, I took and put in my garage, but they were so old that they just didn't last.
I guess my sister could sue for the ancient furniture, but it's gone. I gave her ample time to collect it, but she essentially abandoned it. She can, of course, bring suit. Anyone has the right to bring suit, but there is nothing to be gained. The court would probably consider those things of little to no monetary value. So she could sue my mom's "estate," which has no value....
I'm sorry things went this way. I'm sorry my sister turned out to be a bad person. I'm sorry my mom lives in a nursing home, unable to even speak for herself. But there's nothing I can do to change any of this. I can just do my best to care for and protect my mom, and do the morally and legally right thing.
It will be hard and sad, but I'm cutting off all communication with my sister. When I told her 3 years ago that I had to give up mom's apartment and sell/donate the larger item to avoid them being put in the garbage, she was so angry she stopped speaking to me. A couple of months ago, she resurfaced, but I don't trust her at all. Cutting off communication is the best way I know to protect my mother. My sister has already tried to kidnap her once, and I don't want her to attempt it again. She lives in a different state and would have difficulty navigating my area without my help. I'm sorry.
As for whether I would tell her after my mom is buried and the memorial is over...why? She could not make it more obvious that she does not care. It seems like a bad thing to do, but after she has abandoned my mother (years ago), and hung me out to dry, leaving me alone to deal with crushing nursing home situations where I needed support....should I then basically invite her to verbally abuse me or make my life unpleasant? I know, the whole thing sounds crazy to me and I'm living it.
When your sister comes raging at you after finding out, just tell her "We were estranged, and Mom wanted to keep it that way".
I do believe that you are between a rock and a hard place, a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.
Maybe you could practice being Switzerland to head off answering the many angry questions that will come with that call. None of which you have to answer or endure, just hanging up. imo.
But the child of a deceased person doesn't have to do a dam' thing if she doesn't want to; and in this case the only instructions we know about are those of the mother authorising (in writing) the OP to dispose of her remains and forbidding (verbally) her to inform her sister.
I agree that the mother's request seems extreme, and I personally suspect it isn't very realistic either - word gets around. But the OP either complies with her mother's wishes or tells her she'll do no such thing. She can't agree, and then fail to do what she's agreed to.
If a house, Medicaid will put a lean on it at time of death. If a will, its null and void at time Medicaid begins. If Mom has anything worth anything put it in a safe deposit box. I doubt there is anything left if private pay after 3yrs. Hopefully your executrix if there is a will. You will have to make sure all debts are paid. Probate can take a while depending on the estate. In NJ I think you have 30 or 60 days to contact any people named in the will. You don't have to post an obit. Either in the paper or by the funerak home. This is the only way it gets on the internet. Her Memorial can be held anytime. We had MILs on her birthday 3 months after her death. By that time you should have all ur ducks in a row. I agree, abide by what Mom wanted.
Get your ducks in a row. Talk to the lawyer about your legal obligation to notify your sister. Not what he she feels you should do - but what you are legally required to do. If nothing was left to her in a will or trust, I do not see why you would have a legal responsibility to tell her. Have the cremation done, have your small memorial service. Secure your mother's belongings and accounts.
If you are not obligated to tell her about your mom's death don't. When she finds out, she finds out. If mom is still mentally fit enough to write a letter, have her write a quick letter telling sister that it was her desire that sister not be informed of her passing. If she is not of mind you will just have to explain that mother made the request years ago. You will catch a great deal of anger resentment and flak. Stay strong. Honor your mother - this is her decision to make about her end of life. Have a plan in mind to protect yourself from your sisters' backlash and aggression.
I'd put a very nice (prewritten) obit in the paper to preempt sis placing a nasty one. And I'd make the memorial a private, invited dinner so that you can control the guests. Cremation can be accomplished without invitation as can disposing.
But I'd use all the time you have legally before you *pay a sheriff* to *serve* her with the legal papers informing her that mom died. Don't do it yourself.
It was nice to know others are in a similar predicament. I would honor your mom's wishes. There is a reason mom requested this. I have a sibling that hasn't seen her mother in over 30 years. For years, my sister would send mom her bills and mom would pay them for her. Vet bills, her mortgage, new appliances etc. - thousands of dollars that mom didn't have. My mom has a 10th grade education and worked in a grocery store till she was 84; my sister has a nursing degree. Gee - what's wrong with this picture.
Sibling would call mom every Sunday, but that stopped once mom came to live with me and the money stopped flowing. I personally struggle with do I tell my sister when mom dies. When that happens, I know all she will want is her inheritance and she will cause problems. Years ago, she told mom that she would not come to her funeral. So, I decided - when mom dies, I will have an attorney contact her. He already knows the situation and she can consult with him, not me. Hope this helps.
Meanwhile, make sure your mom has a valid bulletproof will make sure you're careful how it's worded so it cannot be overturned later. One thing you want to include in your will that is if anyone tries to overturn the will, they automatically lose their case. Find out what your mom wants and to whom she wants her stuff to go. If she can, I'll have her put it in writing and see if you can get an eldercare lawyer to come to her and speak with her privately.
Another smart move would be to have her choose her preneed if this hasn't already been done. If she's at the verge of dying and she happens to have money, the smartest move would be for her to go ahead and pay off her own funeral. Find out what funeral home she wants to use and what her final wishes are. See if there's a funeral home that has a staff that can come to her. be very careful about paying cash, go with your debit card so that your bank has a trail of where the money went when you started the preneed. If the person Who visits you doesn't except your credit card, call the funeral home and see if you could bring your mom who visits you doesn't except your credit card, call the funeral home and see if they take debit cards. If they say yes, make an arrangement to bring your mom in in person and let her make her arrangements. Be very careful though, they'll try to sell you stuff you don't want or need, so you may want to at least stay nearby just in case. One thing I would make note of with the funeral home is if you plan on hosting a memorial is see if the funeral director or even the owner will watch for anyone you don't want to be there. You can tell them the name of the person you don't want there and see if they'll ask names coming in the door. That way, they can stop and question, after which they can send the unwanted person away.
* When your mom passes, make sure you're the one to open her estate and hire the lawyer. That way, you're the executor with fiduciary duties. The reason why I mentioned the estate lawyer is so that you're protecting yourself against possibly getting sued over a mistake because most people don't know the inns and outs of the system like a good lawyer does. This is why you should let the lawyer handle this for you. In Ohio there's a process of handling an estate, i'm going through this very thing right now and the estate will most likely be monitored by the court system but I don't know all of the other side of how this works when a lawyer gets involved and handles matters for you. In Ohio I know the first step is to admit the will (if any) within a certain time limit. The next step is gathering inventory. The next step after that in Ohio is paying off any debt that deceased owes. When paying off a debt, you want to start off with the most important ones like any taxes and medical bills. During this time some inventory must be sold including major assets after the deceased has been dispositioned and the funeral home has been paid for that disposition. Then, anything left over after everything important is paid then distribution is made to the rightful heirs.
I don't know if you live in Ohio, but I must warn you not to let her die without a will if there's anyone she doesn't want to give anything to such as your sister. If she dies intestate meaning no will, Ohio law requires a certain procedure and protocol. The first thing they're going to look for is any surviving spouse who automatically gets everything. They have certain protocol that must be followed by law when someone dies without a will in Ohio. In my particular case dad had no surviving spouse and he was widowed. In this particular type of case where someone dies intestate and has no surviving spouse but there are surviving children, they get equal shares of everything. If there are no surviving children then they look for grandchildren, and so on. If there are absolutely no survivors then the state gets it all as a last resort. If your mom is on the verge of passing anytime soon, you definitely want to go over things with her and find out about your state laws regarding what will happen with her stuff when she dies. It would be very smart on her part right now to figure out where she wants everything to go and who gets what, she really needs to get her ducks in a row before the day of her passing
Oh my, I can totally relate to Jbylync, you are my hero! I have no doubt I am the "wicked sister" but unfortunately, I did do as Mom asked and took care of her because she knew I would do the right thing. Had I known how my sibling would have behaved, I would have really thought twice. I agree, they THINK I am doing this for money, you have got to be kidding me!!!! I had to give up my career (she has dementia) she is not wealthy so she cannot afford LTC or private in home care, I have no life, no freedom, no health insurance, husband and I have a stressed marriage because we are both trapped, dealing with psycho brother trying to milk her for everything until I booted him from the property after this became a real problem. Then the drama ensued. The hate mail, the false accusastions, on and on. Oh how I wish I would have had your strength (and a crystal ball) to do what you did and just say no. I never imagined they would behave this way over money (and there isn't much) and possesions (again, nothing earth shattering like an Authentic Faberge, Tiffany lamp or original Rembrant) and yes, it is so tempting not to tell them when she passes but my husband knowing how they are told me he will handle them. God bless my husband!!!! He knows exactly what they are all about and is much smarter than either of them so they won't stand a chance trying to pull any BS. When we got married, we did not invite them either because it was AFTER all the drama of Mom choosing me over them to be POA and DPOA and executor. They accusations started flying from that very moment. They have never reached out and asked if they could help out, take her anywhere without her wallet paying for it, zero. But, I am the big nasty "wicked sister" and wish to heck I had just said no. The stress and sacrifice was far greater than I could have ever imagined "just trying to do the right thing."
So.........if you can get away with it by law, and there is nothing designated to her in the will/trust, then don't tell her. Heck, I would never communicate with her ever again and ignore every attempt unless she showed up on my doorstep, then I would file a restraining order against her. I am so sorry you have to deal with all this but unfortunately, I can relate!!!!!
You know that your sister abused your mother! You know that your sister will make a show if invited to the memorial. Do as your mother asked, cherish the memories you made with your mother and forget about your sister.
My father is a toxic person and I cut him out of my life after he made my wedding day all about him. I did not want to invite him to my wedding but my husband and MIL insisted I "do the right thing." Well, my father tarnished my memories of that day. I wish I could go back and fix that one decision and not invite a toxic person to my wedding. I can't, but what I can do, and what I have done, is stopped communicating with my father, who doesn't even know that my MIL died.
What is the consequence of following your mother's instructions? You can guarantee that your sister will be *very, very angry* when she finds out what you did. You can guarantee that she will want absolutely nothing to do with you--you will be completely dead to her. She would be perfectly right to feel this way. She will tell her friends that you're a mean, vindictive b*tch for doing this.You can also bet that she will tell her friends, who will tell their friends (because it's shockingly bad behavior) and your reputation *will* be damaged. (How do I know: Both my mother and brother spread malicious gossip about me. It spread and my friends all heard it. It spread far and wide, to warn people not to have anything to do with either my mother or brother. My reputation got rehabilitated at their expense, thank God for that.)
The best thing to do: tell your sister when your mother dies. Remember that funerals / memorial services are to benefit the living, not the dead. Give her an opportunity to attend the funeral (if there is one) and burial / cremation. If she wants to go to the funeral, I would delay having it so that she can attend. If she chooses to attend, be on your absolute best behavior. If she wants to give your mother an eulogy, let her. Should she behave badly at the funeral or reception, while at the event, act as if it never happened. That way, should she behave badly, everyone will know what kind of person she is--and people are more likely to treat you sympathetically.
In my situation, people remember how badly my brother behaved and that I was not allowed to give a eulogy. I was able to, informally, talk to my father's friends and neighbors and give my eulogy. They found it to be moving. They had not realized how much good work my father did (since you are reading this web site, you and your loved ones have directly benefitted from my father's work), but because he was an engineer, never got public recognition for it. People do remember that my brother embarrassed himself at the funeral.
Hope that helps. I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation. There is no absolutely, positively right answer to your question. If you are planning *not* to tell your sister, I recommend that you talk to someone *you* trust, who is familiar with what's going on in your family. If you are a member of a religious organization, I would *strongly* recommend that you get pastoral care. I would also recommend that you have a few sessions with a social worker who is an elder care coordinator or a family therapist. You're in an unusual situation and you would benefit from consulting either a good pastor or a social worker with appropriate knowledge and experience.
I also had last wishes from my Mom that I knew would cause emotional harm to my brother. I did not do it to him. And Mom was totally justified in her choice.....but, leaving me to do it was wrong,
It is totally unfair that you should be left to implement this unfair policy. Let your Mom send a letter to her explaining that she doesn't want her to know when she passes and why. But...you should not be in the position of feeling that you have to cause anyone anguish.
Let your sister know Mom has passed and where she is buried
in about 6 months to a year after.
You have the paperwork to do as your Mom wants.
So be it.
Sad some family members are like that.
Listen you to your mother she know best.
Good luck with your sister
Your mother has expressed her wishes clearly and consistently.
You plan, in any case, once the cremation and memorial service are safely out of the way, to behave civilly and give your sister an opportunity to pay her respects - ! - if she wishes to.
The situation is far from ideal, but your handling of it is. Or I think so, anyway.