Should I try to tell Mom if she keeps being mean to me I will have to put her in a home?

Hi Cateyes, I am sorry to hear you are going through this with your mom. When someone is experiencing memory loss & may feel as they are losing control of their situation or no longer a key decision-maker, they begin to experience agitation and frustration. Each person exhibits these feelings different, some seniors experience extreme bouts of depression and sadness, a grieving of sorts; while others exhibit this through anger and lashing out to those close to them. Your mom may also be struggling with the role reversal, her daughter is now her caregiver. Your mom is lucky to have you looking out for her best interest as well as taking the time to better understand her needs and explore what resources are available to the both of you. 

I think you waited too long already. It's no shame to realize that your mom needs professional care.

I'll admit I did use that, not in a threatening way but more as truthful motivation "mom, you need to (do your exercises, eat something, get out of bed etc) because I won't be able to care for you at home if you get too weak and can't help me". But telling someone with dementia to shape up or else isn't motivation, it's a threat. And even if she is contrite and agrees she likely won't remember anything about it in 15 minutes. If you are reaching the end of your ability to care for her it's OK to explore other options, but you and she would both be better off if you think of this as a new phase of life instead of a dreadful penalty.

You know that your mother has advancing Alzheimer's disease. You know that her mean remarks, combativeness, and confusion about where she lives and her longing to escape all come from her not being able to understand what is happening, yes? But you're expecting her to be grateful and loving towards you.

It IS very hard to take. It is painful and upsetting. If you understand all of the rationale and you still can't take it, that's okay. It is okay for you to feel hurt and upset. But you either work through it and get past it, or you find some other way of providing her with the care she needs; because expecting her to correct her attitude is... pointless. It simply can't happen.

So don't threaten her in the hope that it will make her behave herself. Either truly, genuinely, understand what she is struggling with, or find her a good facility. Both options are fine.

I can totally empathize with you. My mom says and does these same things too. Every damn day we have to listen to "okay I gotta go I gotta go see my mom and dad" like every 5 minutes. It doesn't stop. She hates to take showers too so we have to trick her into showers. For a while I told her I was going to color her hair and the first time I actually did color her hair, then said okay get in the shower to rinse the color out and she did. Then two days later when I wanted her to take a shower I asked her if she wanted me to color her hair and she said "okay" but this time I pretended like I was putting color in her hair but it was actually shampoo and I just lathered it up and told her to sit there for 10 minutes to let the color set in and then I said "okay time to get in the shower" then she got in the shower. That trick only worked for two weeks and then just didn't want to go in the shower anymore. My mom likes go out for "rides" (kind of like a dog) because she'll look at everything and make up her stories as we go along the drive. Now, we use "hey you want to go out for a ride so I can take you to a nice restaurant for lunch?" She'll say "okay". Then we'll say "okay then let's get all nice, clean and spiffy and take a shower". Then she'll go.

My mom oftens wants to go back to her home country. I just say "okay tomorrow." Remember, they only in the NOW. They'll forget anything they or you said 5 minutes ago. So I always agree with whatever she says and say "we'll do it tomorrow."

My mom too has her moments when "the beast" comes out. It's pretty nasty too. I have to listen to her tell me she hates me, cuss me out, etc. I've learned to let it go because her mind is gone. Even when my mom was diagnosed with dementia, she refused to accept it because in her mind "she doesn't have a problem, everybody else does." To some degree, I believe my mom has an undiagnosed personality disorder and now with the dementia her worse characteristics are now even more exacerbated when she goes into her "beast" tantrums. I often have to pray for patience, strength, wisdom and perserverance to sustain myself because it's so draining. You have to remember that you cannot change this person (their free will abilities are gone), you however, can change how you react to things because you are aware you have your Free Will. If you are feeling drained perhaps it's time to start with bringing some in home caregivers to give you a break. Or putting her in respite care to give you a break. We had an emergency situation and had to put my mom in respite care, but it was super expensive. However, there was no way I could have her in my house for more than 2 days max only because she doesn't stop moving, touching things and stuffing things in her pockets. It's more tiring than watching a 2 year toddler. I just hired some caregivers so that there will be 2 to 3 different caregivers to care for her in her own home. It's best to have people take shifts because one can only handle cuckoo crazy for so many hours. BTW, lucky for you her doctor gave you sedation meds. Believe it or not, my mom's dr was apprehensive about giving sedation meds even after it was reported by the nursing home that my mom was getting aggressive and physical with the staff. WTH kind of BS is that when a doctor is willing to put the mentally sound caregivers safety at risk because she's afraid that her mentally ill patient might have adverse reaction to the meds that might give her a stroke. Please be strong in mind, body and spirit because it's only going to get worse. I often have to remind myself that God never give you anything you cannot handle.

Stay strong and keep the faith!

Cateyes,
Are you hoping for a "rational" reaction after you threaten her? You won't get it because she can't think rationally. Maybe you are confusing her behavior with a toddler, someone that you CAN threaten and possibly stop unwanted behavior. You would be blowing hot air and wasting your breath. She is not CAPABLE of changing her behavior. Her brain has been eaten by Alzheimer's disease, (Yes, truly eaten). They actually have less brain tissue than we do because of the illness. You can't expect her to think logically with less brain matter.

Many of us have gone through this horrible stage (stage 5?) and their aggressiveness and mood swings are worse than teenagers with raging hormones. I thought I'd never live through this stage with my mother. But, as the disease progresses, they do smooth out somewhat. It was at this stage that I had to put my mom in a facility as I could not work, watch and care for her too. She became too much to handle. Meds were also added to smooth out her aggression, anxiety and violence.

Please don't feel bad about having to place her in a facility where they have 3 shifts of trained staff to assist her 24/7. But PLEASE don't threaten a move to memory care. She will just fight you even more.

I agree wholeheartedly with frequent flyer. Threatening your mom to toss her into a facility because she’s “being bad” is like telling a small child you’re going to call the police to come arrest him and take him away if he doesn’t behave. When mom is being difficult, take deep breaths. Leave the room for a moment. Say the ABCs.

Having said that, I think that it’s time to start looking for a facility for her. But not as a punishment. Youv’e had enough and it’s time for her to go. Make sure your clear it with sis before you do anything.

Cateyes, never ever use putting someone in a "home" as a threat.... a time will come when your Mom may need a higher level of care, far more demanding than you can handle. And at that time, you don't want Mom to feel frighten about moving.

Please note what you are witnessing with your Mom is normal for her condition. Remember, her brain is broken, and you can no longer reason with Mom.

Also, has her doctor checked her for an urinary tract infection? Such an infection can mimic dementia type issues. This can be cleared up with antibiotics.

Here is some interesting reading: https://www.agingcare.com/topics/8/dementia-behaviors