My mom has been in AL for the last 5 months. She is well cognitively. She has chf (I think pretty late stage) and some other physical issues. The plan was for her to move in with us (different state). Now my husband is thinking he may retire in a year and a half. This would mean relocation for us and possibly living abroad part of the year. My mom is welcome to join us, However, I know moving around like this would be daunting for her. She is 80. These are all only possibilities (but likely). My question is should I tell my mom our plans before she comes to live with us or wait until she is here and tell her when the time comes? Her current income pays her expenses at AL in a private studio where she has a lot of interaction with other people her age. I am an only child. I would like her to enjoy her family her last years of life. Recently my oldest son married and my mom wouldn’t go because it would have meant a flight and some days away from her comfort zone. I offered to drive her and fly with her. She said no. I feel almost deceitful having her move here and then having her move with us again in a year and a half. My husband who welcomes her with open arms says not to tell her because she will be stressed out about it until it happens. She was to move in end of September. But she is now talking about postponing because she has a procedure to remove some squamous cell carcinoma on September 11 and will need a follow up appointment. I have a suspicion she will go back and forth a lot about moving here Vs remaining in AL. She complains about AL sometimes but since she has been there her mental health is much better Vs when she was living alone.
You need an honest talk with your Mom's MD about her level of CHF, about prognosis and life expectancy. I not only do not see how your mom would be able to tolerate moves, I don't know that she would live the year and one half for them to come, but I DO think, as an old retired cardiac RN, that you are looking at a lot of 24/7 nursing care needs in the near future.
I am so sorry. Be certain to get all the information before planning a move from a place where Mom is currently watched and well cared for.
As to the original question, I would tell her of your planned moves prior to asking her to live with you. But I don't know that I would do either before understanding what he current heart condition is.
"Her current income pays her expenses at AL in a private studio where she has a lot of interaction with other people her age. I am an only child. I would like her to enjoy her family her last years of life."
She can do that without moving and traveling all over, which is CLEARLY exhausting to her! You need to tell her your ambitious retirement plans, before she gives up what security she has maintained, with friends her age and familiar medical in an affordable place she has settled into.
Has she talked often about "enjoying her family her last years?" I doubt it.
Or is this something YOU want (as an only child used to having your way)?
Do you realize you and husband will not have the retirement you dreamed of, dragging an unhappy third party along? Do you realize you'd be a caregiver for your retirement?
"Recently my oldest son married and my mom wouldn’t go because it would have meant a flight and some days away from her comfort zone. I offered to drive her and fly with her. She said no. I feel almost deceitful having her move here and then having her move with us again in a year and a half"
You ARE being deceitful, not "almost deceitful."
Seriously, why would you bait and switch her life like this?
Two significant moves at her age (especially with CHF she needs her cardiologist nearby) when she already dislikes travel away from her comfort zone, will upset her last years, not make them enjoyable whatsoever. You better come clean with your retirement plans, before she leaves where she is doing well, has friends, her privacy and her medical security. At 80, that's more important than globe hopping, changing doctors twice and giving up her comfort zone/privacy.
Like your mom, my mom was very independent. She lived with us, in her own apartment, for over 20 years after she retired at 65. She died at 86. We had 19 great years of her living with us. She was sharp mentally, able physically, kept busy with her friends and her charity work, and traveled, both internationally and across the country. The last 4-5 years she started to slow down a little bit, but nothing that caused any sort of issues for either her or us.
Then, the fall of 2017, she came down with some sort of respiratory infection that she just couldn't shake. She was back and forth to the doctor, did several courses of antibiotics, would get somewhat better and then relapse. It culminated in her taking a major fall in her apartment in early spring 2018 - while she was so weak she bent over to pick up something from the floor and toppled over. That began a continuous revolving door of hospital/procedure (pace maker implant, removal of fluid from around her lungs), a stint in rehab to regain her strength, then back home for a few weeks until the whole thing started over. I had her back and forth to various doctors and ER's. She had to add a wound doctor to the mix because her legs were so swollen with fluid they began to weep, so I had to take charge of wound care. She was unable to drive anymore. She couldn't do laundry. Couldn't cook. Couldn't handle stairs on her own. Needed a walker to move from one room to another. As her heart became weaker and weaker, she became more and more befuddled. My sharp minded, witty, wonderful mother became a shell of her former self. All she wanted to do was sit in her recliner 24/7 watching the Home Shopping Network; this was a woman who absolutely hated shopping, who I had to jokingly argue with in my youth to throw away a year-old dishwashing sponge because it had become so threadbare it wasn't cleaning anything.
Her cardiologist was willing to try anything to extend her life - or at this point I should call it an existence, because she wasn't really living - including surgically implanting a Mediport and hooking her to a 24/7 Milrinone drip. She did that for about 3 weeks, literally twice hog-tied herself with her IV line to her walker and finally told the cardiologist at one of her last visits that "this Milrinone drip is a pain in the a**" and said she wanted to be done with it. She happily accepted Hospice.
I was her caregiver through that phase as well, and while I am glad I did it, it was hell to go through. She began to actively "transition" on a Sunday afternoon and didn't pass until late Wednesday night, and I was with her the entire time. It is exhausting, both physically and mentally to sit and wait and watch someone you love die.
Before you go forward with the move, I think you should consider, if mom is amenable, going to a few of mom's cardiologist appointments and asking some questions about what end of life will look like for mom AND for you, should she move in with you. Because you will become her de facto caregiver, whether you want to or not. And if mom follows along the same path as my mom did, it will quietly and insidiously take over every aspect of your life. She will be likely become homebound, and you will be too, because she will be too big of a fall risk to leave alone for any great length of time. My mom literally fell over 20 times just during the 8 weeks she was in hospice. Most falls happened at night, so it was a rarity that my husband and I got a full night's sleep. If you have stairs in your house, it will get to the point where she will no longer be able to navigate them, because it will be too much for her physically.
I think you need to seriously consider if she's happy in AL and doesn't seem keen to leave and move in with you, that you rethink this plan about bringing mom home for her last days. For both of your sakes'.
You are projecting your desires onto her. She doesn't seem that interested in enjoying her family (to the extent that you imagine it). It seems to stress her out. You are romanticizing how things will go in the future. You don't know and others who have walked this path have laid it out for you. Please heed their advice.
She's in an AL she likes, that's great! If you have to move her to another AL that will be closer to you after your move, then wait for her health to allow it (if ever). You will not only be removing her from her familiar faces and places but also from her healthcare providers -- so this is a big issue at her age with her health challenges.
You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness.
I vote *no* to moving her in with you.
Mom needs to stay in AL where she's well cared for and where hospice can come in to give her an extra layer of care when the time comes. It's up to family to go see her, not for her to go see family.
Best of luck.
Leave mom where she is and keep in close touch. Visit when you like. Taking her away from her familiar place, her friends and activities is cruel. Let her have her life, and you have yours.
You may want her to enjoy her family, but believe me, as we get older, that's not necessarily our wish. More family interaction often means stress to elders. Keeping up with all of it can be exhausting. It's so much more pleasant to be with people our age because they understand what it's like to be elderly. Like, if I never have to go to another graduation ceremony, I'll be delighted. Early Christmas morning present opening? Forget it, I'm done, I don't care how cute the grandkids look. Thanksgiving dinner? Ugh. Too much work to cook it and deal with the petty personality clashes of relatives. Big restaurant meals? Umm, where's the rest room?
Just my point of view. Good luck!
She is doing good, leave her be, she has friends her own age and is safe, don't disrupt her life. If she wants to spend her last years with you she would not be resistant, these are your ideas not hers.
"..days away from her comfort zone. I offered to drive her and fly with her. She said no".
Mom sounds settled where she is.
You 'feel' deceitful, because..you're being deceitful, right?
If she has the capacity to make a decision, why would you withold information that's pertinent about a life-changing move? Seems disrespectful.
It sounds like she's competent to make this decision as well as fund the stay there, and so if she chooses to, it's her call and you should abide and support it.
In hindsight, if she had wanted to be closer to you she should have moved to an ALF nearer you initially. We don't know the circumstances, but now she's settling in. She may even prefer it to being a third wheel in your home, but won't tell you. (I'd also point out that most older people will find something to complain about at some point at their AL)
I would guess that one of the reasons she waived off extensive travel for the wedding was because it was going to push her quite a bit, given her chronic CHF. I would take what others here say about caring for someone with a chronic illness in your own home to heart...
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