Both parents have had combination of strokes or heart issues. Our son says he has no desire to cause them unnecessary emotional or mental harm that could result in physiological harm, and he is okay if he never sees them again. They are highly opinionated against LGBTQ. But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc.
Aren't your priorities to care for and have a relationship with your children? Don't your parents have a care plan for their old age?
They have had a lifetime to plan for their old age? Why do they think that YOU are the plan?
This is your much loved son. It is absolutely ADMIRABLE that he wishes to cause them no harm, but there isn't a reason in the world he should not be welcome in his/your home for a holiday. Your son gets my hero badge of the day.
Getting old is no excuse for being intolerant. Yes, we become set in our ways, but that doesn't make it OK. Never "co" intolerance and ignorance, no matter what age or mentation carries it into your life.
If you don’t mind answering...
When you say your son is transgender- do you mean the traditional definition of - he was born male but feels “mis-assigned” and identifies as a woman?
Has he told you if his intentions are to transition to female? Is planning sex reassignment in the future?
Are you prepared to accept his identity as female, thus referring to your child as a daughter rather than a son? Is it his wish that you do so?
How old is your son?
I ask these questions as I think how you accept his transgender is critical to how you might expect his grandparents to accept it. But, above all - I think it’s important to know and consider what your sons expectations and wishes are.
Because -
I have a lot of friends - as well as a stepdaughter- who are LGBTQ+. Probably more than I do “straight”.
I feel safe and certain in saying that no matter what they might initially say - “I don’t care what ____ thinks” that they do in fact, care. And, what’s more - they long for the support and unconditional love of their family. Especially, their parents.
Something to consider when thinking about moving your parents in and therefore moving your now daughter out via exclusion rather than inclusion on holidays and family events. Even if she says it’s okay - that it doesn’t matter. Cause, trust me - it does.
Wishing courage to your entire family.
Put another way, what would be the purpose of telling them? How would it affect their lives? I think between cardiac and stroke issues, they have enough to worry about.
“But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc.”
Did you miss this part? That if they do not tell the grandparents - that once they move in the son will no longer be invited into the home again for holidays and the like?
Or shouldn’t that matter?
I think it is that your parents have a relationship with their grandson, it is between them, whatever he wants to say to them, whatever he wants to share or not.
You said: " But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc."
Your conclusion is skewed a bit. I understand you are in the middle. But bow out of the middle, and always invite whomever you want to your home. It is your home. Make sure it stays that way.
imo.
There's some truth to this. I remember I was with my mother in the hospital as my father lay dying. She really didn't even have much of Alzheimer's at that point. A male hospital worker walked past and she asked, "Is that a man or a woman?" My brother was there and said, "That's a man, mom."
It's your house. You get to invite whom you want to invite. If your parents balk, they have a choice - they can move out.
But - don't be surprised if they surprise you with an attitude adjustment. It's easy to "disapprove" of LGBTQ people when they're faceless, nameless people. Harder to do so when you find it's someone you love dearly.
It is very sweet of your son to be so concerned about his grandparents. Should they find out and give you grief about his decisions, I would lay it on thick and tell them about his concern for their health. Every once in a while we (the caregivers) can use guilt to get what we want, too!
Yes, we have become more tolerant to the LGBT community (I hate what the Q stands for) but there still is prejudice out there. My cousin lives in Cal and there has been some beatings of Gays, which he is one of.
Never.
If your parents freak out at the sight of your son, they don’t need to be living with you.
If they are to be told, it is SHE who has absolute rights over the communication. If SHE loves her grandparents and THEY love HER, IT WILL WORK ITSELF OUT.
SHE deserves to enjoy holidays with HER family if SHE wishes, and if Mama and Papa are too offended by her visits, THEY should be dining on trays in their room(s) while the rest of the family enjoys celebrating together.
AND, their physical health is not sufficient as an excuse for creating a gulf in their family, AND- YES, they MAY surprise you all out of love for their GRANDCHILD!!!
I don't know if his grandparents will or will not learn to accept your son in his new gender. I would hope so. But I certainly don't think that you can have them live with you unless you let them know his gender presentation, and that you fully support his transition and that he will be a full part of the family and that you will not accept or listen to rants or criticisms of his life. I think you need far more help and counseling to help you understand what you are doing to your son that we can provide here. I hope you visit the site PFLAG.org which provides support for parents and families of LGBTQ people. They have local chapters and a form where you might be able to get better insights on what you are actually suggesting.
Agree that the parents should refer to their child with the appropriate trans pronouns.
I have no trans family myself, but P-FLAG was a big help for the parents of my friends and one family member who came out as homosexual.
You set your parents an example by demonstrating that your child remains your child and remains the person s/he always was, and you do that by continuing your relationship without alteration, include holiday invitations.
If you want your parents to take this change in their stride, you won't assist that by treating them as though they will die of shock on hearing the news.
In my experience, people who are highly opinionated about such matters in theory often find that their feelings are very different when they encounter the same matter in the particular. For one thing, they are forced to examine their opinions in relation to someone they actually know something about and don't want to dismiss. They may still react negatively. That is something which, again, they and your child must sort out between them. It's not your responsibility or your right to tell anyone involved what to think; although you are of course free to lay down ground rules in your home about what is and is not acceptable treatment of any person living or staying in it. How did this child get on with your parents before? - were they close?
I remember well my sister's dread of my father's "discovering" that my nephew is gay. My father died before Lovely Nephew was old enough to have significant others so the issue was never aired; but I had two thoughts that I kept to myself. 1. That it was blindingly obvious that LN was gay and I didn't believe it could have escaped our dad's notice. 2. That she ought to have known that mouthy as he was on all sorts of socio-political questions, it was all talk, and when it came to any individual he invariably took them as he found them. If LN had been born ten years earlier and had entered into a [then] civil partnership, his grandfather would have gone to the ceremony. I'd have put money it.
So. Don't melodramatise the situation and don't shut it out of your home. You love *all* of these people, don't forget, but it's not for you to referee their relationships with one another.
When my cousin came out as a lesbian, her mother said “I never had any idea you were gay.” Cousin was like “Really?”.... was obvious even to me when I was a kid and she was a teenager! I told my mom I’d have been surprised if she WASN’T gay. My mom reacted the same way... “I never noticed”. 😅
Her parents took some time to adjust (understandably), but they and all of us extended family fully accept her and regard her partner as family too.
Instead son should be prepared if grandparents say something inappropriate. Grands will lose their filters and are bound to say anything.
Maybe this is hard for you to accept? Thus, son is no longer welcome in your home with grandparents as the reason?
Nursing homes/Assisted Living exist for a reason. Children come first.