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Family mediators can often help solve these problems. The help of a third party can defuse family tensions, often stemming from childhood. It a third party can't help, you may need to involve an elder law attorney (if there is real finanical abuse involved, such as the elder not getting the proper care because the money is being used for other things, this is sometimes necessary).
Do try mediation, or even a consultation with a family friend, if all siblings trust this person. The legal route will likely put more distance between family members, so you shouldn't go that route unless it's the only way to protect the elder.
Good luck. This is tough, but not uncommon.You aren't alone, so please check back for more comments from others on agingcare.com. Carol
its a good question-an important one- but if the sibling has POA,it doesnt seem to matter what anyone else thinks or knows about the parent involved. at least for me, that is what i found.bottom line- u can try every suggestion,unless the sibling has an ounce of respect or compassion, u will waste energy,time and sanity. be with your parent if u can,and try to change the anger and frustration into a feeling that will not eat u alive.easy to say-not so easy to do- sometimes there is nothing we can do-to change the things onthe physical,materialistic level-but we have more than we realize inside to help us deal with the horrible situation the best way we can- i think every situation varies and most important for me is to realize- we know more than we think we do- we must learn how to listen to ourselves-hear what we are telling ourselves-hear what our body is saying to us. i hate this disease-the situations and all the negitve garbage that never was disposed of. yet we seem to carry on- isnt life strange?
cher if I read your question correctly, you are asking about siblings that WANT to control finances? Who controls the finances now? Is your parent(s) still able to do that? If so, then it really is a moot point, but you should prepare for a future where your parent (s) can no longer do that by designating someone as POA. Can your parent suggest someone now to take over when they are no longer able to make their own decisions? If you feel that person should be you and your parent is happy with that, then an attorney can draw up the necessary paperwork. Or you can download a POA, parent and the designated person sign and have it notorized. That may also cause some family friction, unfortunately it is easy for another sibling to come along and take a POA to your parent and change everything you have worked to do. If I were in the same situation I would have the court system award guardianship to the responsible sibling (you) and then it's done...no more arguing and worrying about whether mom or dad is being properly looked after. Unfortunately a few of us are all burdened with siblings who look at the parents finances as a way to add to their own, and yes they are the ones who don't want to lift a finger to help care for them, but sure do want to have a say-so in the day to day care. I hope you can find a solution that will work for you and your parent (s).
Make sure there are signed documents by your parents with appropriate witnesses signed on the documents too that clearly set out their wishes for their finances.
I have 6 sisters and I am the one who takes care of my parents. Everyday 7 days a week. My sister as POA I don't know how that happened. What I say to my sister is you give me a hard time YOU DO IT!! That all it takes and she shuts up. Also just because one child has POA doe not make them the star child!
Please realize getting guardianship is not as easy as some on this site seem to think. You have to have parent declared incompetent and they lose all their rights. A doctor has to declare them incompetent, a judge has to rule on it. You will need a lawyer so It costs money, lots of it and it seems to be a last resort thing. Just get the proper POAs, both financial and medical. Much can be done with these.
As a caregiver,ive seen thousands of selfish children.so you change the will and the only sibling whom took the time to care for their parents,will recieve.the Inheritance,and be In charge of all the finances...
Inheritance is not based on who cares for the parent but a division of assets among the heirs. This only sets up more problems with siblings and their children when some are left out and other included. Sometimes the sibs who don't help are not allowed to. One child takes over and leaves the others out and then cries about it to be the martyer. I have a mother who has a personality disorder and thinks only my brother can care for her. No one else is to be trusted, It breaks my heart. So am I to be left out of the will? Adding insult to injury. Look at the situation, are siblings being included, are they really refusing to help or like me just give up on trying.
We would not be able to care for our mom if we did not have a POA. There is a will in place and at mom's request, disbursement of valuables has already occurred. The family is ridiculous and seems to think that the estate is worth a large amount of money, this is not the case. The constant bickering is very wearing. The saving grace for us is that all documentation is in place with well respected witness, (i.e. Church officials, Attorneys, etc.), to back up that Mom is of a good mind to make these type of decisions.
My heart goes out to you. For some reason families find this part of the parent child relationship to be a time of great strife. Our first priority is to make sure that mom's needs are in place and then to make sure we are able to do that without persecution from the rest of the family. It's all about CYA.
Being the baby of my family I find it very frustrating. To many people trying to parent in our home. I simply remain strong and say "I am running her home as she always has." We also have a monthly family consulting appointment meant specically to air everyone's concerns. All four of us.
Being in charge of the finances as a durable POA is one thing, but it does not include the authority to change someone's will. One thing that I did under legal advice was to get two doctor's notarized statements that my mother is not competent to conduct her business in a business like manner and why.
My brother was once power of attorney over my mother during this time he changed the trust that my dad had set up for her and took cd"s she had out of the trust without all the siblings ok. then later her took monies that there is no paperwork for.He made mom sign a quickdeed for the house into his name and kept only the house in the trust. What can be done about this without taking him to court?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do try mediation, or even a consultation with a family friend, if all siblings trust this person. The legal route will likely put more distance between family members, so you shouldn't go that route unless it's the only way to protect the elder.
Good luck. This is tough, but not uncommon.You aren't alone, so please check back for more comments from others on agingcare.com.
Carol
has POA,it doesnt seem to matter what anyone else thinks or knows about the parent involved.
at least for me, that is what i found.bottom line- u can try every suggestion,unless the sibling has an ounce of respect or compassion, u will waste energy,time and sanity.
be with your parent if u can,and try to change the anger and frustration into a feeling that will not eat u alive.easy to say-not so easy to do-
sometimes there is nothing we can do-to change the things onthe physical,materialistic level-but we have more than we realize
inside to help us deal with the horrible situation the best way we can-
i think every situation varies and most important for me is to realize- we know more than we think we do-
we must learn how to listen to ourselves-hear what we are telling ourselves-hear what our body is saying to us.
i hate this disease-the situations and all the negitve garbage that
never was disposed of. yet we seem to carry on- isnt life strange?
My heart goes out to you. For some reason families find this part of the parent child relationship to be a time of great strife. Our first priority is to make sure that mom's needs are in place and then to make sure we are able to do that without persecution from the rest of the family. It's all about CYA.