My mom remarried 15 years ago to a remarkable man, his daughter was very angry, convinced my mom wanted his money only. They lived in his home, a very simple life which is what they preferred. Seven years into marriage, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but we had seen symptoms prior to that. My mom was his primary caregiver and has devoted herself to his care without complaint, dispensing meds, taking him to the doctor, doing memory exercises, etc..
It has accelerated and in early 2018 we told his daughter we felt assisted living was necessary as my mom was getting exhausted and I noticed she was not taking care of herself. With Alzheimer's there can be significant weight loss so mom was always trying to make food more interesting for him, as well as easy to eat. He is now incontinent. She developed CHF four months ago, was hospitalized, she was given diuretics and eventually lost 40 pounds of water (she is normally very thin). His daughter came up and said she would stay with them. I told her someone needed to stay there at night (I live two hours away) and I would come up weekends. She would not consider assisted living. I found out later his daughter would stay at an apartment she rented because the couch at the house hurt her back. So immediately after discharge my mom went back to full time caretaker, not really getting a chance to recover from her own illness. His daughter hired a caregiver to come in one hour during the day (who ended up not cooking meals), and overnight four nights a week (who slept basically and mom still gave her husband his meds). My mom went into the hospital again for severe back pain, and feeling 'not right.' She was found to have two old and one new compression fracture in her spine and a forming ulcer in her esophagus.
His daughter was furious, accused my mom of faking, and had to make a decision to put her dad in respite care so she put him in an assisted living facility in an Alzheimer's unit. She offered a one bedroom assisted living unit for my mom upon her discharge, with the plan her dad could join mom when mom felt more stable. My mom really likes it there, but she has had problems with anxiety as her roll has changed, she no longer is caregiver, but suffering from caregiver burnout. She sees her husband daily with visits, but misses him, and wants him with her in their apartment. Now his daughter is balking, saying that mom's anxiety will drag him down, so she hesitates at them staying in the assisted living apartment together, then switches and says probably could go back home (they cannot care for themselves any longer, and my mom cannot be caregiver, she is 90 and her husband is 95), but then she will say she likes the assisted living facility for her dad, but she knows my mom cannot afford this, her dad is much better off financially but according to his daughter 'my mom worked hard for her retirement, not for your mom to spend it!' (her mom died of ovarian cancer years ago). She resents greatly the idea of her dad spending anything on my mom, even though they are married. If my mom cannot afford this, (unfortunately assisted living is self pay), does my mom have rights as his wife to stay there with him? He told me the day he proposed he would always take care of her. A friend of mine mentioned Ohio law 3103.03. My mother is terrified she will be be put out in the street. She worked tirelessly 24/7 for seven years as his Alzheimer's progressed until her health got too bad. All they want is to be together. This is contributing greatly to her anxiety.
*** Find a solid attorney specialized in elder law. Your mother has her full wit about her...taking care of HER husband to boot. Unless his daughter has some sort of POA, I don't think she has any rights to be making all decisions over your mother's authority of her husband. This is by law here in our state & more than likely in your state as well.
Your mother and her husband can live together in assisted living. I have seen it where my mother has lived in the last two AL places. I don't know how the AL work it out, but I'm certain the fact your mother is capable of caring for him to a degree, being in an AL would be extra hands. And her & her husband a better quality of life.
Your mother can contribute to the cost. One thing to be aware of, with her husband's progression he may soon need skilled nursing care (nursing home). If your mother's continued ailments are where she will need nursing care, check futher of them being together there as well.
Blessings
I had a corporate job with premium health insurance, including long term care.
I cared for my wife at home from 2006 to 2103 and then had to retire early to continue care for her.
All those years of private insurance, were of no value as she was not in a facility.
After I retired, I enrolled her in Medicaid and discovered that our Congress has legislated and continually developed a generous program for us. I have a new respect for our much criticized Congress.
3103.03 Married persons' obligations of support.
(A) Each married person must support the person's self and spouse out of the person's property or by the person's labor. If a married person is unable to do so, the spouse of the married person must assist in the support so far as the spouse is able. The biological or adoptive parent of a minor child must support the parent's minor children out of the parent's property or by the parent's labor.
I am expected to pay for things that I normally would as spouse, but Medicaid pays for 'Extraordinary care"
In our state, it reads like this:
R9-28-510 and cannot supplant other covered services.
“Extraordinary care” means care that exceeds the range
of activities that a spouse would ordinarily perform in the
household on behalf of the ALTCS member if the member
did not have a disability or chronic illness, and that is
necessary to ensure the health and welfare of the member
and avoid institutionalization.
Medicaid Waivers: Under 1915(c) waivers, States may provide respite care, training and family counseling. They may also pay legally responsible relatives to provide care that is “extraordinary” (example: a parent lifting a 1-year-old is ordinary; lifting a 16-year-old is extraordinary).
Under our state's optional Medicaid 'waiver' my wife receives the care she needs at home as Congress prefers. I provide the standards of married obligation; food housing, transportation, medical not related to the condition.....
She requires 24/7 watch and hands on assist with every task.
That level of care is 10k per month in a NF plus extras
3 shifts of attendant care is 9K extras are provided and the system is not burdened.
She has 3 shifts of attendants per day to allow her to remain in our home.
The state will recover our property, after we don't live in it.
That is fair. The state may be paying out more than the property value.
http://ohioseniorlaw.com/medicaid-101-part-8-spousal-refusal-or-just-say-no/
https://www.familyassets.com/nursing-homes/resources/medicaid/ohio
https://www.medicaid.gov/medicaid/eligibility/spousal-impoverishment/index.html
https://www.familyassets.com/nursing-homes/resources/medicaid/ohio
The money your stepfather has from his previous marriage is his and your mother's. The former wife is gone. She can no longer use the money. It doesn't belong to the daughter. My husband and I actually have wills that state whoever is still alive, after the other dies, will receive all his and my property and money that we came into our late in life marriage with and continue to make. We wanted it to be very clear that we wish the other to continue to live into retirement with as much security as possible when one of us is gone. Our children from previous marriages will inherit equally whatever property is left after we are both gone. I believe this is all automatic when two people are married, but we wanted it to be totally clear.
This daughter is out of line and doesn't seem to be interested in how her father and your mother can be cared for in the best way, rather about the money.
I asked about POA, because she may not have authority to do anything she is doing and poster could pursue guardianship.
If their is no will his children could get a portion of his money.
Asinine indeed, but our courts lean that way.
My dad had ALZ and was much further advanced - I would say he was showing signs in 2009, and he passed in 2018. My mum has dementia so there was no way that they could care for themselves.
I would say that at this age your Mum and Step dad have been very lucky to be able to stay together, but at your Mum's age it really is too much for her to be a caretaker.
I never had any POA or any documents giving me any legal rights. Fortunately this has not been an insurmountable problem. At this point in time it sounds like your step dad cannot sign any POAs since he lacks the capacity to do so.
It's a shame that his daughter isn't more accepting of the relationship, but I would find a way to get them in the same room. The AL facility my charge you double but it will be worth it.
If not and there is nothing in writing from her dad, notarized and witnessed that he has given his money to daughter then she is overstepping and needs to be reeled in by an attorney.
Mom is his responsibility until his death and visa versa, community property unless specifically dealt with in writing prior to marriage and diagnosis.
This is the daughters greed coming out. She can't legally cut your mom off, unless above. Get a lawyer and give your mom some peace of mind. If you have to are you ready to take both mom and stepdad on? She may walk when she finds out that mom is entitled to dads money.