Mom has dementia and drives! How do I tell her to stop driving when she gets around so well?

Never lost, never careless, never absolutely reliable. She has dementia. Her judgment is impaired. Not all the time yet. In fact, hardly any of time. But you and she cannot count on that odd moment of poor judgement waiting until her trip is over to rear its unpredictable head. And one bad judgement could be the end of her life or the life of an innocent bystander.

Giving up driving was probably the single most traumatic and disturbing aspect of dementia to my husband. He mourned his little sports car for a year. But it absolutely had to happen. I am thankful that his doctor handled the breaking of the news.

My heart goes out to you and to your mother at this huge loss in your lives, in this obvious erosion of her independence. Dementia is a very cruel disease, one loss at a time.

Hugs to you.

hrachief, ask her doctor to double the dose, and then take half yourself. Oh wait, no, please disregard that ... first thing that came to mind.

I'd remove the car from the premisis. The note I'd put on the whiteboard is "Car in shop. Waiting for part."

I'd stop spelling things out for her. She can't remember. What's the point? Please become familiar with the common behaviors of dementia. You will learn that reasoning with someone who has lost the ability to reason is futile. Save your energy for talking about pleasant things, not why she can't drive.

I would definitely not take 20 to 30 phone calls per day from her. If it isn't safe for her to be living where she is without you being at her beck and call, change where she lives so she will be safe. It sounds like she may no longer be OK for independent living.

I think you are going to need to detach a bit, to save your own sanity.

Will it get better? Well, the dementia will definitely get worse, but whether it will be easier or harder to deal with her remains to be seen.

Continue to love her, reassure her, keep her safe. Give up behaviors that take a lot of effort, are frustrating, and accomplish nothing. You won't be able to change her, but changing a few things in your own behavior can improve your experience.

My husband is 75 and has just had to give up driving. Yes it is hard on him and has diminished his freedom a lot. Yes he was mad. Yes it was very hard to tell him. and yes there are times when he looks and feels and is in such an alert frame of mind that I wonder myself if I should not give him back the car keys. " But" like jeanneqibbs said, I cannot count on that odd moment of poor judgement and put his life and the lives of others in danger. Emotions have to be put aside as far as I'm concerned when the safety of my husband and others are put at stake. He Has dementia, his judgment is impaired, I think it is my responsibility to make sure he does not harm himself or others.

This sounds so familiar. My mother has Alzheimer's and a paranoid personality disorder. Her PCP who happens to be mine as well refuses to report her to DMV (only covering his own ass). I told him she is mentally ill but I really think he doesn't believe it because she is so normal when she comes in to his office. I believe he takes what I say about her as being Alzheimer's related and not mental illness.My mother accuses us of trying to steal her money, place her in a NH,make her think she is crazy, and most recently, accused us of plotting her murder. Finally I was able to get my sister to report her to DMV. She didn't want to do this because DMV won't guarantee confidentiality. I was more than willing to do it 6 months ago but my sister didn't want me to because she is listed first on the POA. and believes she should have authority over me. I am done with that too. I know when DMV notifies my mother all hell with break loose but I don't care.

Go on line and look up DMV in your state. Find the form for unsafe drivers and print it out. Confidentiality is guaranteed to a certain point (meaning that if you are reporting someone out of meanness they won't protect you). ]

I spend very little time with my mother now simply because I have other things to look forward to than dealing with her abuse and I refuse to accept that I am obligated to put up with it just because she is elderly and my mother. I put up with it the first 19 years of my life and I won't put up with it the last years of her life.

Oh my goodness. Living in Florida we see alot of this. They go out to see the doctor, get on I-95 and end up in North Carolina, seriously. She will do something to someone, just hope it isn't fatal. By the way, what color car does she drive..........

Terrie, I understand where you're at with all this. Without boring you with our story I'll try to keep it short as possible. Back in November 2011, we stopped in to check on my wife's folks and found that the house & the care for both of them was lacking very much. We moved in shortly thereafter as her father was hospitalized with all the characteristics of having had a stroke but it was determined by the E.R doctor and the floor doctor that he didn't have a stroke at all but it was all dementia related along with a high sugar diagnosis. My wife's mother was in late stage dementia so now we had twice the pain to see her father now go through this terrible disease. Anyway, he had a follow up visit to his family doctor and he saw how dramatically he had changed since his last appointment. Dad asked the doctor if he could drive and he said, "No". -"Never again" because of the memory issues and physical problems. So, we thought, thank God...finally. Wrong! In Jan. this year, Dad had another episode that required he go to the hospital by ambulance. Again, the doctors stated it was dementia, hypertension and his diabetes. Here's where it gets stupid even more, the follow up appointment happened a few weeks later, his family doctor was asked again by Dad, "can I drive?" and this time because Dad was carrying a decent conversation at the time said, "Yes". Dad looked at my wife with a cat cheshire type smile and off he went to the x-ray department to have a knee x-rayed. This same doctor stopped my wife and I, "I just don't want him to sue me". We were furious and still are. OK... now keep in mind during all this time this man is exhibiting the paranoia, confusion, anger, and loads of other adjectives... and after that appointment his demanded to take over with all the medications for Mom and revoked any information from Hospice at Home and the doctors to share anything. He claims he now never did this but bottom line we found ourselves powerless. Adult Protective Services were contacted and they refused to assess him and the situation with Mom. Hospice at Home refused to talk about any of this with us. Bottomline, Mom has died because of his inability to administer meds properly but we cannot get anyone, no one person to act on this. We are legally stifled, this man has gotten much worse since burying his wife this past Friday and has demanded that we leave "his home". He has threatened suicide after my wife took his car keys away but APS and the police will not take this seriously. He drives still and after riding with him I observed that he crossed the center line 5 times, forgot his route to get to his hearing appointment and watched him park his car in half a parking space. This was all documented. We even called out family attorney and he said this will be a tough job to get parental guardianship over him since there is no way power of attorney is an option.
Now, my wife and I have given up on everything. We plan to move out and actually move out of the area, we will leave him alone to hurt himself, hurt someone else... there will be many that would say, "how could you do this" but I will tell you, until you walk in our shoes - the stress is and has gotten us to the point where its dangerously unhealthy. We've done all that we can do.
Dad is a determined and slick man when it comes to concentrating on what he wants, he's proved this time and time again when at the doctors. If you or anyone else has recommendations for our situation as well - I would be glad to hear them. Good luck Terrie, we know the challenge. Ray and Diane -

I am facing the exact same issue with my mom. Mom is 80 and has demenia and macular degeneration. She lives with me & my husband and has her own car. My dad died over 3 years ago & mom isn't mentally able to live alone. Mom has always had a bad temper at times - like bi-polar. 3 years ago she ran into a house and destroyed the kitchen that was built in the corner she ran into. If anyone had been home it would have been worse. She had a flat a few months ago and didn't even know it - rode on the tire & ruined it. Then last month she failed to yield right of way while turning left and smashed another car. No one was hurt, but she swears the other driver was speeding and ran into her. She really showed her temper at the scene & the police officer had to make her stay in her car. She got a citation & the officer said she probably shouldn't be driving. We all know this except for mom - who has been hounding me for a new car ever since dad died. Problem is - I work and we live 3 miles out of city imits. How am I going to get her to the sr center everyday? Maybe I can hire someone to take her? But with her personality disorders I don't have much luck with anyone wanting to be around her much. She might be sweet one day and cuss you out the next day. And she whistles non-stop - drives me nuts.

I agree with Madge, what color of car does she drive. You ask, how do you tell her to stop driving? Just do it and please do it today. I don't want my daughter and sil to die. Dementia patients with impaired judgment should not be driving no matter how careful they are. When you tell her please don't sugar coat it, just say it. I was in a car accident in which a dementia patient was driving and I am almost died. I know of what I speak of. (sorry, Miss S.)

I thank you all for your thoughtful and considerate answers. I have some work to do. Not looking forward to it but you gave me the insight and courage I need. Wish me well.

It had to come from my Mom's doctor while we were there and she handed over the keys to us on the spot. It was traumatic so give her lots of assurance and love. The doctor was gentle and stressed the fact that her family had to know that she was safe.
My dad was more difficult because he felt he had to be able to transport my mom in case of emergency. He was angry and blamed us wickedly! A situation arose that was a surprising help. My dad got wind of a family member in need and donated his car to them! Win/win on many levels!