How do you nicely say "I can not be your sole social outlet. Please give me some space and allow me to have a life!"?

In my view you are having normal feelings. You have a controlling "critic" on board, and it is natural to be stressed with such an individual around. My mother is like that. I am at a distance physically, and I have had to detach and distance myself emotionally, You may be wondering if moving her in with you was a good idea. I could not possibly survive under the same roof as my mother.
A few questions - How is your husband finding it? Were/are there any other alternatives for her care? What is her prognosis? You have said that she has never said she was happy to be with you. Was she consulted regarding the decision to move her in with you?
In the meanwhile, working on detachment will likely help you. You may be able to find a support group in your area.
Good luck.

lynne62, your reactions sound pretty normal to me. For your sake, it might help to simply accept that MIL is not a very likable person. Oh well. You love her and you love her son and you are doing your duty.

If you like to follow sports teams and she doesn't, you might be disappointed. If she is an avid opera fan and you can't stand the subject, that might be a disappointment. She is a terriblecommunicator and isn't even polite, besides. Try to shove that into the "disappointment" category and reduce the tension. You wouldn't be on edge hoping she'd talk about football, right? Lower your expectations of what you'll get from MIL.

(Easier said than done. Just a suggestion to try, for your sake, not hers.)

We have recently moved to a home with a beautiful in-law apt in the basement. We moved my mother inlaw in with us who was recently diagnosed with stage v lymphoma and is now s/p chemo and radiation. The difficulty is she is a terrible communicator and tends to be very passive/aggressive and controlling. I love her but I really don't particularly like her. I feel tense and on edge when I am home as if just waiting for her to be critical.She has never said she is happy to be with us and not alone. She tends to be mostly critical and negative. Am I having normal feelings or is this something different?

Just once I would like to have a visit/phone call where something wasn't "asked" of me or needing to be done. Now let the guilt flow.

Exhausted, I couldn't agree with people more. I had the situation you did. I can only reinforce the great things that have been said here.

I had a narcissistic mother who played on my emotional daughter strings. When I began learning boundaries, it was a very painful and tearful process because it felt like I was hurting her. But I'll share this one story of her need for total self....

One day it was storming REALLY bad. We only live about a mile from her. It was literally pitch black out and there were tornado warnings for the first time in our area in my lifetime. She calls me in a panic and I tell her to go into the basement with dad. She refuses. She starts screaming at me on the phone and I'm trying to explain that if I go out in the storm, I may never make it to her and then she won't ever had me there to help. Dumb me asked, "Do you really want me to get killed?" Her direct answer was "Yes." That was the end of it for me, the line in the sand.

I knew right then and there her disease was beyond anything I could do. After that, due to other circumstances that I swear God had His hand on every step of the way, she and my father ended up in assisted living and it was much easier to put boundaries in place.

Alll I can share with you is don't be afraid use and enforce your boundaries. Start with small ones and as another have said, and be prepared for what she dishes out. It is all about manipulation in their eyes. You will never heal her.

You also have to realize you will never get blood from a stone and that is a painful reality when wanting a mom. But the one thing I learned is that God never stopped providing for me and mom had her issues, but I was not going to let them become mine.

Lots of prayers during this time.

((((((((exhausted))))) - my sympathies on your mother's passing. I am glad she went peacefully. I know you did your very best, and in heaven she will know that too. Do look after yourself. Grieving is hard work too, and once the "dust has settled" after the viewing and funeral, you will likely miss her even more for a while. God will bless you for all the work you did for her. More (((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Everyone,
On Friday morning at 6:35 a.m. my mother passed peacefully. On Thurday afternoon she was moved to a beautiful in-case hospice facility, where she spent her final night in no pain. It has been a long journey and now she is finally at peace, and where she has always wanted to be, walking hand-in-hand with my dad in heaven. Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful responses. And thank you for allowing me to vent my frustrations. I pray I did the very best I could do for my mom, and that she realizes I tried my hardest. Even with all the craziness and exhaustion of the last year, I now miss her more than ever. Viewing is today, funeral tomorrow --
Thank you all again, and God Bless You All.

Thanks jeanne and Chimonger for the advice. My mom and hubby have a glass of wine with dinner and I have not seen inappropriate behavior so far. Mom doesnt take that many meds and our doc also feels we shouldnt take everything away. Actually this is really progressing rapidly, doc says shes having vascular dementia. So many caring people, so little time to thank you all. Working on the salary issue. My husband is a rock! Tonio

Tonio, I see in your profile that your mother has dementia. All kinds of strange and new behaviors go with that diagnosis. That she does not show sympathy for other people may be one of the dementia behaviors. What was she like as you were growing up? Is this lack of empathy fairly recent? My husband is a kind and caring person, but since he developed dementia he is far less aware of other people's experiences. I may go to a doctor with a fairly severe problem, and hubby won't ask how it went or anything about it. If I tell him, he is sympathetic but he seems to have lost the ability to take the initiative in the emotional arena. So what you are noticing may be beyond her control

Expecting you to shop and pay and cook and serve and cleanup may also be part of the self-centeredness that comes with the disease. That doesn't mean that you just have to accept it and put up with it. You are the caregiver. You have to set reasonable boundaries and expectations. If she is living with you and eating your food, etc. then she should be paying her own way. (This assumes she has some income such as SS or a pension, etc.) Have a lawyer draw up a personal care contract that spells out what you do and how she compensates you. (This is CRITICAL if there are other family members who can come out the wood work and criticize you.) If you are getting $X a month from her, you don't have to worry about who pays for the celery and who bought the peas. And there is no reason she shouldn't be paying for her own wine. The fact that she didn't think of that herself may mean she is a thoughtless, selfish person, or it may be the result of the dementia. If you can find out what kind of dementia she has and learn all you can about it, it will take at least some of the pain out of Mom's less-than-thoughtful behavior. (Maybe -- probably -- she is less than thoughtful because her thought processes are functioning at far less than peak performance, and she can't help it.)

As for the alcohol, my husband's dementia specialist and his primary care doc (a geriatrician) have both said up to two servings a day is OK, as long as I don't notice any ill-effects. This inspite of hubby taking a huge number of drugs, and having balance problems. People with dementia lose so many, many pleasures, that it is cruel (in my opinion, and that of our doctors) to needlessly deprive them of a bottle of beer with their BLT, or a glass of wine while they read or watch tv. But in your situation I don't see any problem with expecting Mom to pay for it.

Not recognizing you as her daughter is devatating, for her as well as for you. It is often what people fear most when they get the dreadful dementia diagnosis. Will I stop recognizing my loved ones? This is very definitely the disease. It is not something your mom can control, and I suspect it is not something she would have wished for in a million years. The "all about her" thing is also part of the disease. If she can't even recognize her daughter, who else could life be about but her?

I am very sorry that you are going through these painful things. It might help a lot to joing a local support group for caregivers of people with dementia.

Best wishes,
Jeanne

Tonio999,
Yes, it does sound from your description that there is dysfunction happening--whether it might be some kind of mental illness remains to be evaluated.
Fetching booze for your elder might be seen by some as "perfectly fine--why not? She doesn't have anything better to do! Let her" Except that is, in effect, the elder-equivalent of “contributing to the delinquency of a minor [read: elder]”.
IF the elder simply has one drink in the evening, fine.
IF they cannot behave decently once they drank that drink, or if they drink too many of those, there is a PROBLEM.
Elder metabolism handles booze poorly; it becomes behavior troubles fast.
IF the elder demands alcohol to drink, they can be told “house rules: no booze here”--then stick to that.
IF they bring it in on their own and hide it, it could be grounds for eviction from their place there.
Often, elders have their marbles when they move in with someone for care-giving services.
They need to be told the rules right up front:
---Room needs kept clean [we can help you],
---Possessions must be limited to what fits in the room &/or other designated areas of the house;
---No booze, unless prescribed by Doc’s orders, unless you and your family are real comfy with the behaviors of that elder on booze; etc.
Realistic, rational house rules preferably in writing and, subject to negotiation as long as those negotiations remain realistic and rational. Otherwise, you leave yourself open to life becoming UNtenable, UNhealthy, UNmanageable.

An elder behaving badly is similar to a child misbehaving.
Anyone excusing bad behaviors is setting himself or herself up for disaster.
Good parents do not allow excuses to let their kids keep misbehaving; those in charge of elder or disabled care, are NOT obligated to allow those folks to act badly, either--even when they are demented. Nursing Home personnel have techniques to reduce or limit misbehaving: might take a lesson or few there!

A wise person told me “there are no excuses".
At first I felt angry, because I had learned to make excuses for quite a number of things.
Yet, when I started trying to come up with "good" excuses for things, the number of "good" excuses dwindled to almost nil!
Astonishing!
Then I started noticing how society is riddled with people making excuses many times a day for all kinds of things, and wondering what life might be like without all those excuses?
People who "lose everything" [some repeatedly], do it for reasons [excuses] that might be construed as "not their fault".
But even Acts of God, if one enlarges the picture, could be prevented or minimized if steps were taken to prepare properly, choose disaster-proof building or locations, etc.
Those with the most excuses seem to have the most "disasters" in their lives, but if one looks closely, those also have underlying mental/emotional issues that make living from one day to the next, waaaayyy too full of mishaps.
Why?
It took me a lifetime to figure that out; I was trained up in an atmosphere so excuses and drama appeared "normal".
I literally failed to see dangerous situations and people coming down the tracks of life, because I was trained only to see the good in people, not their clay feet--at least, not fast enough to get out of the way of those clay feet!
HOW many kids are enculterated to expect things to go haywire and make excuses for it, and think it is OK?
Many thousands of elders are in their "second childhoods" with dementias of various kinds, or even simply the emotional issues that accompany most illnesses, acting badly.
It’s up to caregivers to try to get those back on track, but maybe the only solution is to place troubled elders in nursing homes. It is so individual!

I recently read an article by a newly minted nurse, baffled why elders in facilities, with families, yet those stayed away.
Misbehaving elders are why. But the young nurse writing that article had no experience with that; only saw the sad elders during facility shifts.
CUE: Elders placed in facilities often control themselves a bit better, since staff changes enough to keep elders just a bit leery of misbehaving in front of changing personnel. Those same elders will act-out badly with their individual caregiver at home, since they feel “safe letting out their frustration”, in “safe atmosphere at home”.
Moving them into a facility can actually be helpful sometimes, to helping them control their own behaviors.
I know they do not like it when they act badly towards loved ones: even confused and demented ones know they step over the line on some level. They just cannot control themselves in one-on-one home venues.
They may just have a better chance of controlling themselves, if in a facility.
It is so hard to make necessary sudden changes for an elder, knowing it can cause worsening dementia, or that it is not what they wanted. But then, elders in that situation are not “themselves” anymore: they have special needs that no longer can be accomplished in the original, home-arrangement.
We must avoid feeling guilty for taking appropriate care of elders, same as we must stop feeling guilty about taking proper care of anyone of any other age.
I do not think any of us are perfect in how we handle things all the time--we make mistakes and get pushed beyond ability to cope.
We just have to keep correcting our courses and trying to do better!
BTW--I absolutely DO have a Mother--in fact, I have a couple. Those in my life who couldn't manage to be a full-time Mom, gave me what they could, and I had to figure things out--so my task now is to remember the good things each contributed, and let go of the bad stuff--only, remember enough of it to prevent it happening yet again.

Wow, too many stories that are hitting home with me! My mom wants my hubby and i to buy all the food as well as prepare the meals, etc. I got tired of this so when she needed wine again, I had to ask her for money. I told her it was 4 bucks a bottle and she almost fainted. I dont drink, so she cant blame me. LOL!

I have noticed she does not show sympathy for other people. Is this part of the disease? it hits me hard that she doesnt know i am her daughter and i cried about it but she just stared at me blankly. I guess it is all just about her. hmmm.. Told me to go see my mom today. Exhausted, you are also brave and full of goodness. Happy unmothers day! tonio

People who lose their homes, spouses, belongings, familiar things, can become quite narcisistic and otherwise dysfunctional--even if they never behaved that way before...though, usually there have been signs and symptoms of that kind of behavior over the years, even if in lesser amounts.
But losses do not excuse bad behavior; it just indicates they have been through hardships and have poor coping skills.
It is up to more rational caregivers to draw the line, to keep returning them to rational thinking and appropriate limit-setting...
Just like rasing kids.
If we allow elders to keep behaving dysfunctionally, and especially if they are bringing down the caregiving[s], something must be done to get back a sense of equilibrium.
The elder may dislike it, but it is necessary to have reasonable limits set.
Each of us has to find what that looks like, in our particular circumstances.
Your elder is isolating herself; your efforts to get her out have not been working.
Therefore, she might be nearing time to be in a facility, unless there are resources to help her be in her home with 24/7 caregivers to make sure she does not leave the stove on, or otherwise endanger herself, for instance.
"Isolating" increases the incidence of mental illness and inappropriate behavior.
So, you might need to have a Social Worker evaluate her, for instance.
It is NOT realistic or rational for her to expect what you describe.
Allowing her to guilt you into doing it, is unhealthy, too.
You can only do just so much in a day or a week!
Your prime responsibility is to your immediate family--yourself, your partner, your kids who live in your home.
Next level of responsibility are immediate relatives who live nearby, outside your home--but those take 2nd fiddle to the immediate household members.
You also mentioned you work full time--that is another level of responsibility you need to place in context to what you are reasonably able to do or not!
You need to take care of you, or there will be nothing left of you to help anyone else!
You have already been going above and beyond the call of duty!
Happy Mother's Day!
Time to give yourself a huge hug, maybe a Spa Day, SOMEthing to reward yourself for working so hard. You are not selfish....it's too bad that in English, there is only one word for selfish, and it means mulitple things...
It is important to be selfish in ways that preserve our health and well-being.
It is bad to be only to oneself, and rarely helping others.
I believe you are over-doing the helping others, and need to help you some more!

((((exhausted)))) try switching your thoughts to staying away firstly because you needed the break - thinking of you as well as of her. It is like waitng for the other shoe to drop perpetually, and a good technique for keeping us hanging on their every word. Crises happpen and nothing is mentioned or acknowledged or dealt with. I so relate to your statement that criticizing people came easily to her. I don't confront verbally any more as it does not seem to change anything, but what I do is place boundaries - like not answering phone calls till I have screened them, not being at her beck and call but assessing for myself whether she, for example, NEEDs the depends or is just jerking my chain and wanting to be the center of attention. By getting you mad enough to fly off at her, in her eyes she has won., . A narcissistic person will jerk your chain as much as you allow it. You cannot talk them out of it, You have to establish your own boundaries, and usually need the support of others to do that successfully. Looks kike your husband is supportive, which is great. Do find sites online about narsissistic mothers and learn how their minds work. Understanding helps so much. I will help my mother too, but I will not be her servant, and I will have a life of my own. Happy Mother's Day to you (((((hugs))))) Joan

After my unloading on her on Thursday and knowing I upset her, I spent Friday away from her, thinking it would be best to give her some space and Lord knows I need it. Today I stopped in to get her laundry and she seemed to be doing much better, healthwise. She was also happy to see me -- like it never happened. Went up w/my husband and had a nice short visit. This whole thing is like a see-saw...one day up, one day down. I've just started taking an herbal supplement that is supposed to help calm nervousness and give a general sense of well-being --- we'll see. Seeing my doctor next week to see if she can prescribe something for me a bit stronger. I know things will get worse again, before they get better.
Their Daughter, I'm sure your dad is a great person. My mom is a nice person. I think most people are generally nice to the outside world. But when the family dynamic is involved, these same people can sometimes become almost unrecognizable. I think its definitely a parent-child thing -- they will always be the parents, we will ALWAYS be the children. My heart breaks daily for my mother. She is so small and phyically weak, but when I look inside, I still see the mother that was so ridget and judemental all of my life. It pains me to know that she pushed so many people away over the years -- people who wanted to be her friends -- for no other reason than that she didn't feel she needed them in her life -- didn't want to spend the time or the effort. Criticizing people came so easily for her. The only good that came from it is that I have tried so hard over the years to NOT be like this with my child.

As a teenager I was so shy, and had a hard time making close friends, because I just wasn't sure how. She didn't want our friends to come and visit, or spend time in our home because she didn't want the bother. She didn't trust anyone - including her kids, and sometimes accused us of doing things we never had even thought of doing. She had to be "in control" at all times. It was such a sad time. As an adult, this has stayed with me. I have just a few close friends, and am fairly shy. In the past there were times when I was taken advantage of and was a bit of a doormat because of the way I grew up. I'm trying to get over this after all these years, and I think I have to an extent. My husband often tells me I'm a "pistol" because I'll say exactly what I think -- sometimes not such a good idea lol..
I think some of the demons of our childhood stay with us forever. But they are our parents, and they are our history, and we have to love them for that reason alone. I know she loves me very much, I know she has her faults and I have mine. I'll do whatever I can for as long as necessary to make her final days as easy as possible. You are totally on spot -- confronting them is so damn hard, and it never really seems to turn out the way you were anticipating it would anyway! Stay strong! ;))

This is such a great forum. It's helpful to see that a lot of us have the same problem with our elderly parents. It sometimes makes me wonder if anyone gets through childhood without disfunction! My dad upsets me so much sometimes that I find myself thinking I'm glad I never had children because I will never disappoint them or make their lives uncomfortable. Of course, it's also scary to think there won't be anyone there to help me or my husband in old age. It's really a crap shoot, isn't it.

I read things about other people's parents that honestly make my dad look like a great deal. And he is a nice person, BUT he is also very self centered, willing to step on my toes and make my marriage hell, and then totally unwilling to listen to me when I try to talk to him. He wasn't around very much when I was growing up (traveling salesman), but he has been very generous in many ways. So, when I would like some space and a few days between phone calls or seeing him, I end up feeling guilty. It's hard for me to remember that my husband and I have always paid him back and we have been and always will be there when he truly needs us. But, we have a life too and because I'm not currently working outside the home, he seems to think I should be available at the drop of a hat. He doesn't appreciate my relationship with my husband because, while he loves my mom and is very good to her, they don't have much in common. He doesn't understand that a married couple might actually like hanging out together alone!

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say (and complain in the process) that I get why it's so difficult to confront a parent who is not treating you the way you deserve.

You guys are so darned nice!! Thank you so much for your responses, you don't know how much they mean to me.
Jane, you are totally correct -- my mother has always been this way. Don't get me wrong, she can be loving and very generous and normally was while I was growing up, but in the same breath was very judgemental, condescending and ridgid, laying down the law and making us kids tow the line. It was always her way or the highway and we knew it. My being the oldest, I got the brunt of it. My younger brother is the golden boy -- always was -- he seriously can do no wrong. And since he is now out-of-state, he seriously doesn't do that much for mom, cause he can't (conveniently). After thinking about it, I think my new strategy will be to let my phone ring and if I see its her, just let it go to voice mail. Then listen to the message and decide if its worth a call back or an ignore.

Nancy H, from what the dr. estimates my mom has less than 6 months to live, but I think she will prove them wrong. Although she is very weak and feeble now, she has such a strong will and I know she has not made peace with the prognosis. She doesn't want any special measures to keep her alive, but still doesn't want to give in to death. I think we will have a long road ahead of us. Unfortunately, her health is steadily going downhill, as she is not being treated for the cancer, by her choice.
Again, thank you all - you're a godsend.

Exhausted, I'm sorry about your mom dying of cancer. I, myself know first hand about that since my own mom died in 2011 of cancer. Since my attention span is that of a gnat these days, I didn't read all the other comments on your post. Not knowing about liver cancer and the longevity of a person with it, how long is your mom expected to live? The dilemma I see is, the fact that on one hand she's dying and you want to help her, and other hand she's made her decision to NOT be sociable and has kinda brought this neediness on herself. At some point you're going to have to decide for yourself how to react to her demands. It might be as simple as determining which demands are 'logical' and which ones are 'hysterics' and weed them out that way. I don't know whether you have a Costco where you live, but getting her a giant box of Depends would at least thwart that particular problem. Sorry about your mom though, I still reach for the phone to call mine, and have to stop myself. :(

Those of us who have self-centered parents often grow up, and teach ourselves to NOT be like that. To be more generous with time, resources, attention. Then, when the parent demands more and more, we are surprised that our giving is never enough to satisfy them. We are just the yang to their yin. They are reflexively self-centered; we get reflexively giving until we feel too burned out to give more. Learning to live with the consequences of being called out on our worst fear -- "You aren't being nice enough to me!" -- is the only way through. To recognize that it isn't true. And that all the "nice" in the world wouldn't fill the holes in their hearts anyway.
That's when our healing can begin.

Emjo --
FOG --- this is my new mantra -- I'll keep playing this over in my head through every conversation with my mom from now on. This is the hardest thing I've ever encountered in my life. I love her and want only the best for her, I kill myself setting services up for her, getting her apartment furnished with her things, running errands, drs visits, shopping, finances, bills, taxes, etc, but still -- she needs more. Even after a 2 hour meeting w/hospice where they tell her all she has to do is call them -- still its me that she calls. I can't help feeling like a witch when I lose my temper, but it just gets to be too much sometimes. I haven't called her or heard from her since storming out of her apt yesterday. We'll see what today brings. Thak you for your wonderful response. I've already re-read it about 6 times!

Hi exhausted ((((((((hugs))))))). and I understand. I am going to repeat something I wrote before which is that there is probably no benefit in trying to "talk over" these things and arrive at a solution with someone with your mum's personality. If fact, by doing so you alert her to changes you want to make, and she will be even more prepared to play games. Let us just call this a temporary setback - not a failure. Goodness, no. We all have them. It is not easy to break the patterns of a lifetime. Have you seen the website daughtersofnarcissisticmothers? Just google that phrase and learn about narcissism. I found it helped to validate my feelings and experience, and gave me ideas of how to deal with my situation. Don't think it is easy to deal with. It may be simple, but not easy, as at the same time we are dealing with ourselves and a lifetime of "training" to be the servant child. You are not back at square on, because you do see what happened and that your mum was playing the "me first" game, and that you fell for it. They are completely ruthless when it comes to other peoples time and energy. Why do you continue to let this woman rule your life? I think, at least in part, because you have been trained, and also through FOG - fear, obligation and guilt, to do so. Getting past that means dealing with the FEAR of displeasing her, of her anger, the sense of OBLIGATION - narcissists have a sense of entitlement that others should put them first, that they should get preferential treatment, and have no awareness, it seems, that they have unrealistic expectations of other, and then the GUILT. You have had "guilt buttons" planted in you from birth. Although you are doing absolutely nothing that would cause any normal person to see you of guilty of anything, except, perhaps, not looking after yourself enough, your mum will try to instill guilt in you if you are not at her every beck and call. It might help if you were to think about why you did not say "No" -the thoughts and feelings that come up when you consider saying "No". Some of it is habit, I think, but also fear, obligation and guilt, All of these can be overcome, but it does take some work and determination on your part - and I am sure you will be successful. ;) I am so glad you ahve come nack and shared. Let us be your cheerleaders along the way to a heathier life. Without the support of girlfriends and a few male friends, I would have been much worse off. more (((((hugs))))))

Ok folks -- latest update on the mother front. Yesteray I spent an entire day doing for her from before work in the morning, during my lunch hour doing her banking, and then had an appt after work with a financial guy and an attorney to sort through her financial mess. She knew I had the 4:30 appt, and had to be there on time. She called me at work at 3:30 telling me I "needed" to get her a box of Depends. She then said, "bring them here before you go to your appt. I need them right away". I know for a fact that hospice will be bringing up more today, but she needed them yesterday PERIOD. I reminded her of the appt and said I'd come after, and she started the whine routine. So like a total dolt, I ran out of work, to the store, picked them up, drove 6 miles out of my way, dropped them off then sped to the appt and of course was very late. When I dropped them off I blew up at her! I know I shouldn't have but I did. Of course she looked at me like I was insane and started crying "why are you mad at me".... I've totally had it. I am beyond myself right now. All the progress I thought we made is totally gone. I feel like I'm back to square one and I know its all my fault. I should have had a backbone and said no -- I'll come after. Why do I continue to let this woman rule my life?? I feel like a total failure at this.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my question! The past couple of days have been a little trying w/mom, but we got through them. We had a nice long talk, and even though I felt insane guilt the entire time I was explaining how I felt, I kept on going until I was finished. She has backed off somewhat, but at the same time her health took a turn for the worse -- she has terrible swelling in feet and ankles which I believe is caused in part by the cancer that has invaded her liver. She met with hospice dr today, and I believe she will be going that route soon. Some days she is really good, and makes I liar out of me after I calll close relatives to tell them to visit in case this is it. When they visit, she looks pretty good and is in good spirits and I'm sure they think I'm nuts! But then the next day - the weakness returns, the constipation is back and the pain is there. Some days I feel totally confused by how the illness affects her body. I didn't see her today, but called twice instead and that seemed to keep her happy. I actually got a haircut after work!! Doesn't sound like much, but its a giant leap forward for me! Thank you all again for your support and kind words. It really takes away some of the feelings of isolation and loneliness that we feel as we walk down this road and sometimes feel like we are the only ones on it. Thank you again!
HUGS!!!

Yes, I live with my mother and love her very much. She had a spinal compression fracture in early March, and we have hired some help to come in so that I can have a break part-time during the day. I need to work and will look for some part-time work to help pay the bills.

What really I want to say here is that faith is extremely important for any hard situation that we are in. OUR OTHER FAMILY is too, too far away to help! We are really on our own but will manage. Thank you for understanding.

PatatHome01

HUGS TO YOU. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL MOM YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU. SO, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE your BEHAVIORS. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY BUT DO....

Jeanne Gibbs,
I so loved your post to Exhausted, as to what kind of poster she wants to be.
This is great, and very true! Margeaux

Exhausted, You do a lot for your mom. I grew up in a family, of which I was the eldest daughter. I had to be very responsible at a very young age. My sister, who is a 13 mos. younger than me, also had the similar responsibilities. Current day though, sis ended up being in charge of mom w/ALZ, and mom's sis, w/congestive heart failure. Sis moved in w/them into mom's home almost 4yrs. ago. Before ALZ and growing up, we experienced mom as a narcissist, layered over, by she was too bonded up w/her even worst narcissistic sister. Mom, has mellowed out w/respect to us, but honestly I think it's due to the meds she's now taking. We had to inherit the care of our aunt, (she didn't have kids). Anyway,
my sister and me had to experience some acrobatic feats with respect to our aunt's unrealistic demands, my sister more of course since she lived w/that woman. Throughout, what I call her reign, sister-works, f.t., handles everything, she's POA. But in addition, about 2 yrs. ago my aunt was apparently putting out all the demands too about sis being responsible for their social life, as they no longer could drive, and had stopped going to a senior center they'd been part of for the last 12 years or so. My sister got swept up into taking them out, almost every weekend, and it was two old lady's w/walkers. My sister has a wonderful boyfriend, who honestly was going above and beyond the call of duty. When my sister would tell me of all the problems my aunt was giving her at home, e.g, talking behind her back to caregivers, and (always lies to the point of insinuating my sister was being abusive to her), reality being it was the other way around.
Given this scenario, I couldn't understand why it was that my sister went so out of her way to take them here and there. Well I guess she did it for mom. But the abuse by aunt really got out of control, so finally one day my sister called me, to say she was ceasing the outings w/our aunt and mom. I CONGRATULATED her! Honestly, I felt that my sister was over doing this aspect of the caregiving.
My sister suffers from many boundary issues, I'm learning. This aunt finally passed Jan. 2012. RIP!

Anyway, my point to you is that yes, there are these narcissists in our families, who think they can suck every drop out of whomever it is that will allow it. I once lived in that household there w/mom, while dad was going through his cancer treatments, mom's sister was also there. Oh, I got into so many fights w/that woman, all w/respect to the lack of boundaries. So after dad died, I told mom good luck, but I'm done, and cannot live w/you, and your impossible sister. Much of this, has been set in place by both my parents, because they never had boundaries with our aunt. Now as I'm sifting through a lot of this, I realize that for years, even with responsibilities that were dumped upon me by my parents I finally got to the point of asking myself, why is it that I felt so guilty, even when I had gone beyond the call of duty in many situations. But you see, this is also where people like ourselves start getting the boundaries all blurred. So be aware of this aspect of it. O.K., we're all rooting for you here, because we want you to be energized! Stay strong, hugs! Margeaux

When someone has these character behaviors, they will NOT change, and cannot "hear" you --*making statements that do not match their expectations*--
if they do actually hear your statements, that kind of person will get angry, possibly combative, because --*you are perceived to be threatening their basic survival needs*--.
YOU have to set your own limits, or she will do it for you in ways you do not like.
It can be hard, because we are usually taught to cowtow to elders.
There is a difference between cowtowing and slavery, vs. respecting them.
Respecting them first means respecting your own limits, and making sure the elder knows what your limits are--they may not like those, but without them, everything fails.
It might fail anyway. But by respecting your boundaries and limits, you have a far better chance to come out of that with your health.
No one can get sick enough or miserable enough to help another person out of their hole. Hope that makes sense?!
{{{hugs!}}}

Your story sounds exactly like my life was for many years. I took care of my Mom before and after she went into the nursing home. I went almost everyday and felt guilty when I didn't. She wasn't mean, always sweet and thanked me for everything I did for her, but still it was very stressful and I, too, felt like I didn't have a life. She is gone now and I have no regrets that I did everything I could for her. I miss her terribly. I feel for you but believe me, once they are gone, you will be glad you did what you can. Now, with that said, you also need time for yourself.Is there anyone, family or friend, who could visit her sometimes and give you a break? Also, you might check with your local Hospice. I don't know if your mother qualifies, but if she does, they are a world of help. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

I cannot believe I'm reading this because I was just getting ready to post about my pushy, needy and often overbearing dad. The worst arguments my husband and I get into is over my father. Thank goodness, we really do love one another, but dealing with my dad has really put a strain on our marriage at times.

One of the problems I have is I cannot talk to my dad. I'm sure it's partly my own problem, but there have been times when I've tried and he's actually hung up on me! He doesn't like any kind of confrontation so he runs away and, therefore, nothing ever gets resolved. My entire family is guilty of not dealing with anything that is emotional.

He actually has lots of friends and does spend time with them every day, but for whatever reason, Dad wants to hang out with me and my husband. Not all the time, but it seems like it starts out small and suddenly we have him dropping in on us or calling way too much. I can think of all sorts of things I'd like to say, but there always ends up being a certain amount of guilt at my inability to just spend a little more time with him and my mom. She, by the way, has some kind of dementia but is also quite happy most of the time and very undemanding.

Recently my dad was complaining about being bored so my husband asked if he would like to help burn some pasture. So, Dad came over a couple of times and was exhausted within an hour or less. I actually worried that we might be asking too much of him. Apparently not, because the next Saturday my husband and I had just finished breakfast and were still sitting at the table, relaxing, when my dad showed up at 8:00 TELLING us it was time to do some more burning! Not only that, as he and my husband were heading out the door, he told me that since he was here helping us, I should go spend some time with my mom!!

In the grand scheme of things, he's not as bad as a lot of the parents I read about in this forum, but he can be so exhausting. My husband really loses it sometimes and I can understand because they aren't his parents. If his mother had shown up on our doorstep as often as my dad does, I would have been really irritated.

My husband and I just got through another big argument last night because he wants me to confront my father and if I won't, then he will. Of course, I don't want that to happen, but I was so angry and upset that I told him to have at it which only led to more arguing. I think what started it was an ad for Mother's Day! Anyway, we finally got ourselves calmed down and were able to discuss it so I know we're good again for a while.

What I do end up doing is avoiding my parents. Even yesterday Dad left me a message telling me his group was getting together for the monthly "birthday dinner" and he wanted to make sure we were coming. We've gone occasionally, but we really don't want to hang out with him and his friends.

To be honest, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just tired and worried about the future. He's right on the edge of needing to stop driving and then I'm worried I'm going to be getting calls all the time to take them places. I'm worrying about the stuff that hasn't even happened yet! But, I'm sure I'll be back when that happens. :-)

We have a family friend that we have accepted as grandpa for the kids. The problem is he believes that we need to be his only social outlet. I would like to be in my own home and he not be here. I feel like a guest in my own home. I have told him how we feel but it just does not sink in. Our family gets very little privacy because he is always over. Yesterday he called 3 times when we were gone and wondered when we were going to be back home.