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Does anyone else find themselves watching/living your LOs decline and think, "I'm going to start hoarding pills!" "I hope I get hit by a bus." "I hope someone will smother me with a pillow". I just don't want to suffer in decline. Incontinence. Others making all my decisions. I don't want my children to have to deal with 'that' me. It's so hard. I get so frustrated and angry and feel like my 'empty nest' has been stolen from my hubby and me. I do not want my own children to feel that way. It's crushing.

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None of us are promised tomorrow. I think you have to live for today. Just lost a friend to ALS this year. He was healthy and strong a year ago. His decline and death left me breathless. There was no reason for it. Be kind to others and do what's on your bucket list while you can.
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That's how I feel too OldBob!

God has got my back. He is taking care of me while I am taking care of DH.

Thank you.
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Amen, OldBob!
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At age 81 when I think of what all may happen in my remaining days or years of my life I remind myself that "God's got this" and don't give place to further ruminating about it.
Thank God that I live in the USA where one way or another almost everyone can get nursing home care for care in old age (I speak of Medicaid as a last resort.) I am thankful for a good and productive life and many blessings and am confident that God will be by my side for the rest of my days, and if I have to have some difficult days (or weeks, months or years) I am still going to say, "God's got this" and remain grateful no matter what.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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Idahopilot - a geologist - fascinating! I loved geology, and always planned to take more than just the basic course I took to satisfy the college science requirement. What is your area of geological specialty?
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I've been thinking, I am 75 in November and Caretake my Mother who will be 100 in October. I am in my old age. I am very busy getting Mother's 100th Birthday Party together. No time to worry now. Usually I worry about financing care for myself at an older old age. Someone asked me at Church this am how am I coping Caretaking 24 x 7. I told him how much I like it and that this is a very nice period of life centered around family like when my children were small. Today I was sorting out pictures to scan in to put on a DVD for the party. Mom said she really likes looking at all the pictures ( from when she was a baby until present). We are blessed with this family time together. I would like to think my sons or their wives will take Care of me when I am older old age,  don't think that will happen.  Whatever happens I will never be sorry for the time I am spending with Mom. Praise God.
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I took care of my parents with the help of hospice at their home and they died within 8 weeks of each other, 69 and 72 years old, I am now 67 , if i am diagnosed with cancer , I am going out on MY terms, I am not going through that  and put my kids and grandkids though it, also have a living will with DNR if  I have another heart attack
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Green Bee, I have life insurance, long term care insurance, health care and financial POA's. I'm prepared to pay for assisted living and/or nursing home care should they be necessary. I only have one son who lives over 2000 miles away. I know that I cannot count on him for care. My husband is a good person that I trust completely. I'm still working and will do so as long as possible, as does my husband. We're both licensed clinical psychologists with our own separate  private practices. I've prepared financially for the possibility of long term care. I've done all I can. I've worked at least one and many years two full time jobs so that I'm prepared.
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I hear you, but let me ask you a few questions, just for you to ponder.
1) how financially prepared are you for your future? Do you have in order your own life insurance, long term disability plan, ability to pay for $4,000/month assisted living (out of pocket)?
2) how much do you Trust those around you to make proper decisions for you? Would they be selfless or greedy? I know a woman who is putting herself in a Terrible situation financially, just so her children - who rarely visit - get a decent inheritance. She has 4th stage cancer.
3) do you trust your husband to do what is in your best interest? Does he do so now, even if it's to his inconvenience? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And frankly, if you are beginning to realize that he hasn't been honorable so far, do not believe he will be in the future.
If, on the other hand, you are simply panicking on what is to come, make some changes NOW.
For instance, start decluttering as you see something that does not have great sentimental or purposeful use, give it away to someone who would appreciate it. Look on YouTube for KonMari method. She will teach you a lot about keeping only what brings you purpose or joy. Also, talk with your insurance agent about putting insurance policies in place now for your (possible) assisted living future. Your future self will thank you for it!
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I've read all of the comments - many different perspectives. I try not to think too much. I'm prepared financially, I've renovated my house to be more senior friendly, and have my will in order, but that's about it. My dad, his mother and two of his sisters all died at 67. I'm 67 and I have the same health problems they all had - diabetic, rheumatoid arthritis and rheumatic heart disease. I take care of myself, but I have what I have and figure one of my conditions will do me in. My husband grew up in an orphanage. He knows a little of his biological parents health history. His mother died in her 40's and his dad in his 70's. He played in the NFL for 14 years and had a couple of concussions. He has regular head CT's to check for CTE. So far no problems. He's very health conscious - better than me. I don't concentrate on the what if's, I'm okay now and that's good enough.
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tired - nothing goes according to plan for sure, but you have to look ahead and make educated guesses. If my parents had died young from cancer, I would be looking at being prepared for that. But there is longevity on both sides, so I am going with it.

Hi nebbish - my parents too have/had dementia, though not Alz. My father had diabetes type and vascular dementia and died from it aged 81. My mother, aged 105 in an ALF, has vascular dementia and I am her POA, medical and financial. I hate paperwork, but it has to be done. I watch my BP and blood sugar and have, so far, managed to keep them where they should be.

I so agree about not fearing the future. I had a lot more health fears when I was younger. but, eventually, decided to let them go as I stayed pretty healthy. They were just fears. Having made it this far, one day at a time and being thankful for it, works best for me as well as making provision for what may lie ahead. Something healthwise will crop up eventually, unless I get hit by a bus.

...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Benjamin Franklin
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I'm so low on the totem pole of answers here that I don't think many of you will read this. But, I do have to put in my two cents worth. My 94 year old mom, with dementia and in an assisted living home, needs me...her 75 year old daughter...to lean on. I've seen the ravages of dementia ageing with my Dad with Alzheimers and now Mom with age related dementia. And, yes, Mom does say to me....I only hope that, when I am gone, I can look down from heaven to you and say....this is what it's like. Well, I'm not so sure that I will be like either my Mother or my Father. I am what I am now and I intend to stay that way as long as possible. Should dementia be my partner in my ageing years, then so be it. I don't expect my children to "take care of me" at that time. I do want to be in a facility that will take care of my everyday needs. I guess that that means I feel secure in my financial position at that time, but....it is what it is. I WILL NOT live my life now fearing the future. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I do have faith in my children to see to my care in an executive way, but NEVER in a hands on way. Hang in there and think positive.
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Totally, TOTALLY get this. Have told my kids that there is no way I'm going to hang in there like what I've been witnessing. I just...can't. I will hoard pills, I will do something, with the most logical "doing something" actually making the decision to do NOTHING and stop treatments, letting nature take its course.  I don't want to commit suicide, but to be honest, depending on how bad things get,  I don't have a religious barrier to suicide, and I certainly have no plans to suffer until a bitter end that levels me and my children. I find it a travesty that we make humans suffer more than we would our dogs. As my father declines, I too admit that I'm too obsessed about my own old age, with bitterness, anger, and grief. I'm working on this with a counselor, because I know this can't be good. I'm also reading the Power of Now - which, in a nutshell, is about living moment to moment and not worrying about the future - sort of the non-denominational version of Leave it in God's hands. And of course, as we know, nothing goes to plan - (watch the movie, Still Alice, to see how this plays out). So yeah, all this mental planning is, in the big picture kind of pointless, when there are so many ways to die (Busses. Always a factor. Bitter laughter.) Now that I've written all this because the question called to me so much, I'm going to go back and read the wisdom of everyone else.
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Mi Advocacy,
Que bueno tu tienes padres sanos y felices. Este es la razón tu estas contenta.
Pero, no todos tienen lo mismo situación. Es más deficil cuando los padres tienen Alzheimer's. Es un enfermedad muy grave con distrución de su personalidad.

Algunos de nosotros estamos sufriendo con madres y padres muy enfermos de la mente. Es difícil a ver lo bueno cuando todo el tiempo es lo malo. Disfruta tus padres en su mayoridad. Dios los bendiga.


How great that your parents are healthy and happy. That's the reason you're content.
But not all of us have the same situation. It's more difficult when your parents have Alzheimer's. It's a serious illness with destruction of their personality.

Some of us are suffering with mothers and fathers that are very sick in the mind. It's difficult to see the good when it's bad all the time. Enjoy your parents in their old age. God bless you all.
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MiAdvocacy8600, thank you for your post, your words are uplifting to me, I needed that today.
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INVINCIBLE:; aw. chica, hola. hi.
and i believe strongly you're going to be bless by the lord above, for looking out as i do regularly for mi father, full time, while i am here where they are, relocated (came down on a visit)to the south,been here happily since. with MOM, and god bless you chica, i mean that.
good night
hugs-n-blessings for you tonight.
adios.
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AW CHICA. hola.(Hi TiredMom) first tonight, i send you a prayer,for it to get better for you and your world/your life. I now send you Hugs-n-Blessings tonight, and gracia.(thank you ) for what you're citing, as i just log-in and read your response, quoting me/saying my name, so i thank you.

But wrong on 1 thing lol (mi life is not/have not been all roses) 95%sure, and that is only from not (even after what happened to daddy a light to mild stroke) and recovering all year so beautifully thank the LORD, and being around him, more and my mom and being here for them, even though i am here full time,and do not regret it at all. I love the so much et.al., i still went through mi own trials and tribulations with an ex spouse,where i later became happy divorced(LOL) so again,
NO... It's not all roses, for me, however chica, yes, i have a great life, for me, that i've made for mi self(overcoming multi-adversity)at that,and also now focusing on taking care of dad full-time for 1 year just about, and i am here making sure he enjoy all of the days as my mom is also here,making sure and yes we are happy campers, and i wish this for your family/you and your mother that is.
I think its about how "we deal with such issue(s) et.al., and adversity in our lives chica."
That es mi point. I read your post and i feel bad for you,and pray it gets better one day for you.You're what? Only mid sixties or early sixties,right?So you're still have alot of life God-willing each day to enjoy.You're not able to "control"sadly what mom is doing and or attempting to do to "rid you"from her world.I pray for her too that she is going to realize what a GREAT amazing daughter she has,and about buying her the house or helping her with a place, that was amazing and truly a loving daughter. Reach me anytime you want,and i just think again we have to try each day NOT to let what is going on, "Affect us to no end, to fret over "aging like that,and stress et.al.,"it just isn't healthy for any 1 (at any age) God bless you,and again reach me anytime. Even through mi tough times in life, i've always made it to the "other side of happiness" because i have an extreme outlook on the positive, in mi every day life,and i refuse to let any 1 or any stressful thing take it away from me. That is what i mean by other post, you read, and i hope you are in life going to be able to see the 'beauty' again in life,each day and know that you still have alot of life to live,and enjoy! I ma here for you anytime.
Hugs and blessings to you this evening.God bless.
adios.
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I guess I do worry a little bit when I think about it. I have all my paperwork done, plan to find a CCRC, in all likelihood will be able to find something decent when this is all over with. But I really don't expect any of my hubby's children to want to continue a relationship with me--they call and visit less and less even now (one doesn't come at all). And I have no relatives of my own, so whatever I set up while I still have my marbles will just have to do. I think I'm okay now but what if my brain starts to leak before everything is arranged? Will I even know it? And who will advocate for me when the wonderful CCRC I choose puts me in memory care and then management changes and it becomes a h*ll-hole? Well, I guess I can only do what I can do. But there is an undercurrent of stress there.
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One thing really stands out in these answers and that is having loved ones or friends you can count on. No amount of long-term insurance or Medicaid is going to cover that. Friends can help you get through physical infirmities. My folks were doing great until my mother died in her 70s. I know her absence is partially responsible for my father's dementia. His loneliness won't be solved by assisted living, but at least he has me looking out for him. My fear is dementia without anyone to keep me on track, let alone the financial resources just to cover the basics. There are fewer people to talk to every year as time takes everything away.
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Tiredofmom.
WOW I so feel for you. I was 'lucky' I was well brought up to know I wasnt the popular one. But in hindsight, Ma shared many of her feelings and thoughts with me, that I found out the others never really knew about.
I have callouses on both shoulders from all the shrugging off, from what today would be considered child neglect.
So I dont have many feelings when I go and see the wizened up old lady.
82 and with 'new friends' is definitely a worry. Im guessing no obvious dementia that can mean her funds are controlled.
Lets hope she doesnt come crawling to you when her bills are 3mths overdue and her friends disappear,
That must hurt badly.
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MiAdvocacy8600, I'm happy for you that you have such a positive outlook on life, that's great. I'm about 20 years older than you. 20 years ago I had just about the same attitude as you do, but after seeing my dad get sick & die, my mother develop dementia, my sister has breast cancer, my husband has diabetes, etc., I no longer feel the same way about life. My mother & I were best friends all my life, now at 82 she no longer speaks to me. She blames me for everything negative in her life. I bought her a beautiful home to live in so she would be close to me & I could take care of her. She's moving out and won't tell me where she's going. She told me yesterday she's working with an attorney to rid me out of her life forever. She's found 2 new younger female friends, I know both of them have financial problems, so I'm frightened for her. There's not much I can do at this point. Yep, I kinda have a negative feeling about my own aging since I saw the unthinkable happen right before my eyes - my mother is 'gone' like an space alien stole her. I hope your life does continue to be sunshine & roses, I thought mine would be like that too when I was younger.
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Mom's new roomie is anxious too
Up in the middle of the night to pack and leave

It bothers me greatly to know what's ahead
The loss of control, freedom, enjoyment, privacy, dignity

Pie doesn't even make a dent in making it better
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Just today ordered a book, "Be Anxious for Nothing".
Well, that is exactly what I am anxious about: "Nothing".
I am anxious, it is just about nothing that is happening now.
So, Max Lucado wrote about it.
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I decided long ago that I will not have my children look after me. I too am afraid of getting too old and helpless. If I get really bad I will go to hospital and say I have no family, maybe they will then help. Try not to worry it does not help a thing Take care
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Come see me. We will sit at McDonald's and have a coke and just nod and say, "There, there..." to each other because I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to be that person that was going to live to be 100 and amaze everyone. Uh, yeah, that changed after watching my mom decline. If I'm receiving my heavenly reward at 75, then I'll call that a good go.
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GA - fear, as mentioned by the OP is a great source of stress which in itself may lead to illness. Re your tests and fear following your sister's death, I think you did the right thing. You put it aside. I had a girlfriend who got breast cancer.The first time I saw her after her surgery I felt a bit awkward and asked how she was. She said she was not going to let the disease define her, so we carried on chatting as usual. Later she had a second mastectomy and kept the same attitude and enjoyed her life. She died instantly about 5 years ago in a car accident with no further signs of cancer. Go figure.

Some people have mentioned planning. I think it is key to relieving our fears. Maya Angelou said “Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between.”

Pain and disease can come at any age, though granted come more often as we age, Sig other's youngest son in his early 20s was hit in the head by a flying object and lives with 24/7 excruciating headaches for which no solution has been found. They were told he would not live beyond 40 due to the side effects of the strong meds he is on. He has over 10 years to go. He has already had a perforated bowel and nearly died. Compared to hm and other like him, I think I am doing OK.

Windy - yes, it sneaks up on you or may come very quickly in the form of a disease or CV event. Interesting about the laundry. I intend to keep mine in the basement for now so I have to walk the stairs. Stairs are still my friend though I am not denying that my knees feel the first steps in the morning. Re POA, you assign it to a trusted professional. Love the old age and treachery quote.

Doreen, I agree that modern medicine often prolongs dying and it is unfortunate. I also agree with getting your bucket list out and start doing it, rather than dwelling on what may happen to you. You don't need a terminal diagnosis to live your life. Hence my "on your mind is " living is the only thing you can't leave for later." Worry can become a habit and needs to be resisted.
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I think our society prolongs life. It is okay to die when you are old, its normal. My mom is 94, has Alzheimer's and bladder cancer. She lives in memory care and her body and mind are dying very slowly. It is so sad and heartbreaking. I know for a fact, that normal mom, would not want to live this way. My dad died when he was 67, his cancer returned and he was gone in a few months. Now that I look back, I feel that his walk with death was more humane and bearable. My mother in-law is 95, lives in assisted living and has dementia. She has had multiple life saving surgeries and she is miserable and mean. I love them both, but do not want to end up like them.

I promise my children I will NOT do this to them. It is heartbreaking and financially devastating. I had to laugh at Ceecee's post when she mentioned the pillow and the pills. On a lighter side; my husband always tells me, "if I am drooling on myself just put a pillow over my face", my response "If I don't know who I am, just put that little pill in my drink". Then we shook hands. Honestly, if I do get to a point of no return, I want to go out with a bang. Do something crazy - like get on a hangglider and never return, or get that bucket list out and do it. Why not, better than wasting away in a nursing home.
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Just skimmed through this thread. Great stuff, good discussion.

Watching my parents go downhill the last few years taught me a lot. Mostly, how not to enter old age! So we've been getting our ducks in a row. (Mid 60s). I won't go into all the details as previous posters have made excellent points, but moving the laundry room to the first floor is my fav thing in the world now!

Two things worry me about getting old.

It's sooo damn sneaky. One day your hiking on the Appalachian trail and first thing ya know someone stuck you in a crappy nursing home and you cant remember your zip code. It comes on so slow. The house gets a little dirty then filthy.  The furniture is disgusting but seems just fine to you.  (My parents). How do you know when it's time to move to Oregon and drink the Koolaid?  Usually you don't, and keep hanging on by virtue of habit and instinct till it's too late

And, for folks like us with no kids, who do you assign poa etc? Who do you trust to see your end of life wishes are carried out?

But just remember,

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and talent every time. (Not really relevant here but great philosophy I think)
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Golden23 has the right attitude. Many elders have a a pretty good life. Even if you are sick at the very end, that is NOT the majority of your old age. I live in an "over 55" community that is near services, medical facilities, restaurants and shopping. If I could no longer drive, there is transportation available. Perhaps the key to a good old age is preparation! We never know what may be ahead, but you can try to plan to make life easier. (e.g. give up that big old house and lawn way out in the country)
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Yes, I am now, and thanks for bringing this up. Some posts here are talking about how death and illness can come at any age, and some old age is just fine. But that wasn't your question, you were specifically asking about concern regarding a long, slow, painful old age decline that really does happen to some people. I was never afraid before until it happened (and continues to happen) to my own parents. The physical and mental pain for my dad lasted years. He had been a cowboy who said he'd never die in a nursing home nor burden anyone but instead would ride off into the sunset on his horse and never return. Instead, he rotted away at a nursing home (we visited as often as possible -- and they did the best they could) with so many issues it took multiple nurses 24/7 to care for him. Diapers, pain no one could alleviate, gangrene starting in his leg, fear of amputation, his teeth falling out, laying there trapped day after day after day, he and everyone wishing he would pass on but instead he just kept living and living and living and living -- his soul trapped in that painful rotting body. That's when my nightmares began about old age. Now it's my mother's turn. Physical pain so severe and for the last 6 years all of us have been hunting across the globe for cures and remedies that might at least alleviate her pain and nothing works, even though she gives her all to each medicine or technique she's supposed to try. Two of her vital organs have been on the decline and in the last stages for years. She has outlived both of her parents by a decade. She has complete faith that she'll go to heaven and prays every day that she'll wake up there. And yet, she continues to go on and on and on and on and on. The emotional and financial stress on us, her kids, has been tremendous. The worst is knowing how much she is suffering. Her situation is what reinforced the nightmares I started getting about old age that started with my father. Yes, it "might" not happen to me. But it might, so I, too, look for a back up plan for a way out when the time comes. In nature, if we became that deteriorated, we would already have passed away -- our tribe could not have taken care of us. It isn't God keeping people alive in my opinion, it's modern medicine defying God. I wouldn't even mind a private, even secret forum for people who don't believe in suicide in general, but do believe in finding painless and quick ways to cross over when there is nothing left in life except physical pain and misery to look forward to.
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