I would like to give the Hallmark answer: cherished memories, rewarding moments, uplifting experiences. Unfortunately that has not been my story. I realize there are many that do have wonderful CG experiences and I’m happy for them. Sincerely. But as I near the end of this chapter, I realize that my life is an unmitigated disaster. I have no family relationships left, my friends have all faded away, I sacrificed my career, my own health is poor, and I will soon be homeless. And my adult children, rather than learning from my mistakes, seem to be taking on their own caregiving tasks. I can’t help but wonder if I’d demonstrated more self care then maybe they would be more diligent in practicing it.
Any regrets? Would you do it differently?
8 months ago I never would have imagined this!
It's so hard not to mourn life before caregiving.
I don't think that's selfish, I think it's just our reality!
Much like xrayjodib described, my caregiving didn’t feel like a choice. When the stuff hit the fan with my elderly family members, everyone else RAN in the opposite direction. I was the only one that felt the need to step up and do something. I was naive and didn’t expect it to be such a long and difficult journey. I don’t regret trying to help but I do regret how I chose to help. I allowed myself to become enmeshed instead of placing boundaries and making the kind of decisions that would have preserved my own mental, physical and spiritual health. To be brutally honest, at this point I just pray for it to be over with. My heart goes out to everyone who has been or is a caregiver. God bless you all!
Sometimes caregiving chooses us.
I totally understand that we are not all wired the same. For me, I couldn't bring myself to walk away from my Aunt. That's me and not in anyway a condemnation of anyone else! There truly wasn't anyone else. She would have become a ward of the state.
Sometimes I wish that God had wired me differently.
How do you explain to someone else why you chose to take on this burden (yes it's a burden)?
Maybe the true definition of a Labor of Love???
God bless!!
I imagine that like so many of us, you didn't really have much of a choice in becoming a caregiver!
Somehow, becoming a caregiver finds us!
Speaking for myself, although I would never in a million years have taken on my current situation had I known the stress, I didn't see any alternative. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had just walked away.
I think you have to find the peace in knowing that you gave your best for someone in need.
I guess my only regret is that I didn't ask more questions. I never saw it coming.
Praying that our rewards will come later!
God bless!
I think the OP means that we made the decision to be a caregiver. Many people do not decide to stick around to do the caregiving themselves.
Sometimes we have to make arrangements for others to do the caregiving.
”I can do all things through Christ Jesus which strengthen me” Philippians 4:13
I appreciate your interest. My daughter is graduating this year from LSU. She’s majoring in business.
Best wishes to you.
Isolation be thy name. Personal activities flee like wraiths into the night, quietly, dispersing.
Don't blame yourself for your adult children! Once grown, they follow their own council, believe me.
I'm 70, years are precious, and I can easily see my dull future. No one will care, or see the effort but us.
But God will notice. Have heart.
Would I do it again? Sorry, NO- I would scour social services, contact family if possible, anything- and damn to any guilt.
We know. They can't imagine.
I don't see a dull future for you - plenty of life in you. Maybe doors you thought were locked may open - keep checking them.
My husband and I have been together since we were 16 and 19. We are now 61 and 64 and in all that time his family (except his father who died 22 years ago) have “endured “ me. I have no importance in his mother’s eyes other than to look after her son. I am persona non grata
My husband first showed signs of FTD aged 58 and during all these years his family have never asked me how I am, just what I should be doing and doing wrong for my DH. However no actual help. He has just entered care and it’s been a nightmare both with him and his family. The lies and accusations are terrible. They blame me for his illness and completely stopped talking to me so go through other avenues to get information. They try to replace me and be in control. They go behind my back When DH was well I just ignored their behaviours and dismissal of me but there was no way I was going to keep him at home for years and put myself last. FTD can be dangerous as the person can develop angry outbursts which he started to do and he also suffers from compulsive behaviours. Also there is no way I am going to visit him every day (2 hr round trip) and sit with him and entertain him for the day as I have been told to do, email of course So now he is in Observation ward for a week to calm down. This is because of the stuff they put in his head. They are going nuts because I have taken his phone and he is only allowed one call a day by his doctor and that’s to me. He cannot accept calls except from me. He has been so great these past three days. Calm and no aggression at all.
over the last two years my oldest son has been great help but he’s on the sh*t list now as well but finally taking control 100% and not second guessing myself is starting to work out for me and my DH.
So so being a caregiver sucks but ignoring or keeping the trouble makers out of your life and the one you care for works
No matter what anyone says. Anyone! Caregiving is not easy. Ask any caregiver and if they are truly honest they will tell you that.
Yes, some people are blessed with lovely parents. But even with lovely parents, people are not perfect. They aren’t perfect. Caregivers aren’t perfect. Let me tell you that you don’t know a person until you live with them. Their true colors eventually come out.
Nothing is easy in caregiving. Like I said, even in the best of circumstances there are ups and downs so don’t believe the ‘Pollyannas’ in this world because they are portraying a fairytale life that simply doesn’t exists.
I don’t believe in sugar coating. I believe in speaking the truth. The hard truth that perhaps some people don’t want to hear or face but only the truth will set us free and truly help. Denial does nothing to help but causes so much harm to everyone.
I had let in a little light, a little more truth during those years, the process would not have been so difficult. All caregivers: Take the help where you can get it.
I used to think it was because she would get cold, but as I've come to know Mother, I understand that it's more of a control issue.
Good to hear you have a supportive husband.
Friends, ( most of them that failed at caregiving and pushed their parents on to siblings), seem to think caregivers are some wimpy pushovers and the things they are interested in seem frivolous and meaningless to me. Sometimes it all has made me stronger but I am depressed much of the time, and feel my life as it was a decade or more ago is gone.
Big hugs. This is a funky time of year. Take good care of yourself. 🧡
I have told Mom very clearly and frankly that when she can no longer get to the toilet on her own or get from her transport chair into the front seat of my car that she will have to move into residential care. She is in denial and refuses to make any plans.
She has no money so she will be looking for a Medicaid bed. I have been equally clear with my sisters, who provide more care than I do. They may be willing to further injure themselves doing Mom's housework and laundry, but I am not. I see that as enabling Mom to avoid making the obvious choice to move into a care situation where these details are taken care of.
I have come to think that if a person is over 60 and an even older parent needs more care than a cheer-up visit and picking up a few things at the store the immediate response should not be "let me help you" but "let me help you find a nice place in a caring place where these needs will be met by someone who is trained to give care properly." We are excessively trained to "help" even if we, ourselves, are not really all that strong. Sometimes, for short term needs that is a good thing. Caring for an aging parent, however, is not the same thing as giving support and care for a friend who has spent a couple days in the hospital and needs help with making meals for a few days. This is a long-range thing that can go on for decades.
Indeed, move 3,000 miles away if at all possible and do the nice thing of calling frequently and sending photos through the internet of all the nice things you are doing so Mom can enjoy them vicariously.
"Getaways" are restricted to errands. After dark is best (he's less likely to try anything risky), and 2 hours MAX. I try to keep every outing under 1 hour.
His cognitive and stamina issues are odd and unpredictable. We cannot afford an aide. Family is morally supportive, but honestly unable to help. (In fact, I feel guilty because I can't do much to help *them*.)
I've had lifelong social anxiety. My husband is still quite intelligent, but we can't have the in-depth conversations we used to enjoy.
While social anxiety's always slowed me down, until now I've always been able to stay connected to the world. Now? If I even get a chance to rejoin humanity ... frankly, I fear I won't be able to.
Nobody seems to have thought of the most obvious first thing to do: Take away or hide or otherwise remove all the possible weapons. Knives guns clubs ammo etc. make em disappear. Then go from there.
Well was it Canoe63 that came home to 2 knives and a gun or someone else? Looking back thru I can't find that post. Oh well. FWIW.
My husband’s grandma was the oldest of 12. His grandpa had a big family too. They grew up on farms. What was there expression, “Many hands made for lighter work.”
Today people have smaller families. Even in big families one person usually ends up doing all the caregiving and it’s too much!
It was too much for me. It really was.
Mother is cold, critical, passive aggressive, dismissive, unappreciative... Not someone I would be friends with.
I see that my youngest, 16, has been affected the most from having her with us. She would make passive aggressive remarks towards him until I made it clear it's unacceptable and not allowed. But occasionally I catch her scoffing at him or mean mugging him. He rarely eats supper with us because she has this way of making him uncomfortable. She just has this look of criticism and disapproval. It's a look I know all too well from my youth. He almost never goes anywhere with me if she is also going.
Recently someone commented how nice it must be to have his grandma with us. His reply, "She's not that kind of grandma."
I'm fortunate to have a supportive husband to lean on and keep me anchored. I'm not as depressed as I was last year, but I think it's because I have pretty much accepted Mother and I won't ever have that special relationship and this is just a job.
The only thing I may have done differently is get her outside help sooner. But she was good at hiding things and acting like everything was fine so in my own defense I didn't see the signs as soon as I would have if she had not been like that. Plus the thought of mom living in a nursing home used to just bring me to tears. Even just the thought of it. I thought I could do it all for her until I couldn't anymore. Seeing the look of betrayal she felt on her face was devastating for me. I always felt she was thinking "how could you do this to me" But there really wasn't any choice and she may have never realized that but I'll never know cause like I said she was always "fine" when I asked. She even convinced herself at one point that she was living in a new apartment, not a nursing home. Bless her heart.
Would I have done it differently? Actually I could not as my late mother demanded to live alone in another state 7 states from mine and all the way 'cross country from my brother. I had to move there for an extended period. Yes, that is correct - I had to leave my own life behind.
Thank you for your prayers. I’m truly grateful.
Yes, I moved into my father’s home at his request some time ago. He’s under hospice care now, in home, and actively dying. Upon his death, my oldest sister inherits his property and I’m sure she’ll want me out very quickly. It’s a long story of dysfunction and drama but honestly I’m okay with it. I’m just a little scared about how it will all work out.
I saw it with my Grandmother caring for her parents and in-laws and eventually her husband. She did a great job considering she was a teenager during the Depression and had to drop out of school at 16 to work so the family could eat.
I saw it with Mother who quit working to care for Grandmother for 7 years and took early social security to make ends meet. Gram is now gone and Mom had to sell her home since she didn't have the finances to keep it. Mom stayed with me for 6 months before landing in a nice little condo in a nice community. I figure we have about 5 years max before she will need to move in with somebody (most likely my family).
I plan to return to work after taking 10 years off to raise my family. Yes, mom will need care and I will be working at the same time. I plan to rent out her condo to pay for her daytime caregiver. I have learned that you must take care of your own health and your own retirement. Nobody else will do that for you - no matter what your circumstances are.
I am so very sorry for all that you’ve been through. I hope for health and peace for you.