After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

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After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

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We do have the option of her coming to live with me in Tennessee, however she has lived most of her 90 years in California.
I am the only family member that does not live close to the assisted living facility.

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Since she has lived in CA so long and has family members nearby, it seems you should give her more time to adjust. I hope the family members are paying attention to her. Two weeks isn't very long and change is hard for anyone, let alone someone her age. There's no set time, but if the center is a good one, they should be able to get her to start engaging. She could turn out to love it, but it will take time. Another move may not be much easier.

Keep tabs on her though. You are right to watch carefully.
Carol

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Is there a reason why the family members nearby your mom could not have her live with them ? It seems that that would be the better solution, if there is one, instead of moving far away with you. I agree that you should probably give it some more time to see how she feels about the move. If she's mentally and physically stable and she still hates her new place after about a month or two, maybe you could talk to the other family members about taking her in. If on the other hand she needs too much care for family to deal with, there is probably no other choice but for her to stay. Good luck and I hope your mom adapts to her new home and begins to enjoy it.

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This is just my two cents.....As Carol said, if family members nearby pay more attention to your mother, that would definitely help. If the center she is living in is clean and she is well cared for there, I see no reason to move her out of there. In my experience, I learned that everything my elderly parents "ask" for is not necessarily the right thing to give them. I learned I have to set limits to protect my own health. I learned that both of my parents were losing the ability to have rational thought and that I had to be strong and make some tough decisions. ( even if this made me "unpopular"). Maybe your mother could use medication to help control her mood. You could talk to her doctor about this situation. But I would go real slowly about any decision to move her out of there. With the proper support from family in your mother's area, she could adjust to living there in time.

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I agree with Anne, I would not move her out. Every move is just another change. We moved my Mom 3 times and she is still not happy but this is where she will stay. I tried taking care of her and so did my sister and it didn't work. Being her caregiver was taking its toll on us both. After a while she will become adjusted to this environment. She may still be unhappy but she will get adjusted. You on the other hand do not need to move her in with you, nor do your other relatives. Once you do, it is harder than ever to move them out when that need arises.

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Giver her some time. See if you can someone from the neighbor hood to visit . When you go to visit bring some pictures of the family and yourself, or mail them. they love stuff animals or some music or a picture book. My mom was in New York and I live in Florida, my job did work with me so I was able to see her alot, but I did have to move her to Florida since I had no one to make visit's after she did not know anyone.Every move is a big change on them. When my mom came to Florida from New York I had planned on her living with us, but was not told how bad the Alzheimers/Dementia was. So we found a place close by and when it came time we had to place her there. At first it was hard but for two years they took good care of her, I was there every day. Caregiving is very hard on the body and mind. But we do what we can. Take care.

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Thank you so much. but my passed away from a long battle with Alzheimer's late last year, but I was with her by her bedside. You see I had no help from any of her family members only my uncle (her brother and my husband). when every one heard the word Alzheimers they just did not care. You take care of your mom. Thank you for your reply.

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I would think very careful about moving her in with you if she is having a hard time adjusting there she probably would with you also-give it more time if you want her closer to you move her to your area so you could visit often or take her home for the day-it usually becomes a big mistake having an elder live with the children when they are so dependent on others.

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Do not move her in with you,she could be unhappy with you also.My dad has been in the care home 6 weeks and he now joins in with the other residents.He so needed people his own age.I thought he would fight the change to the end But he as now accepted that after being with me 5 years it was the only solution to our problems. I see him most days and have found that our relationship has improved.I love him very much but could not live with him again.He has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia which is effecting his behaviour. Its early days yet but give them time elderly people don't take to change well.

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I believe there is misunderstanding no told any one to have a parent move in with them, I myself did not know how bad my mom wass. placing her in the assisting living was the best thing for me. However if you was not that bad Yes I would have taken her in, however when our elder's have dementia, our homes are not the right place for them. i do agree. i was just giving the pesron that is not wrong to have to place a love one in a nrsing home, and not to be them. Sorry you misunderstood my words.I was just giving kind advice that a change takes time and it s the best place at times, so they can get the best care they need in a nursing home or assisting living. Love and kindness means the most to them.

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Leave your mom there, she will adjust. Those places are equipped with people who know what to do, we don't.

I wish my mom would leave her home and go some place. It would be so much better than her laying there worrying about whether the insurance bill get's paid, or if she should paint the house, or when the guy is coming to pull weeds in the back yard, (although I've been doing that). Just seems like too much bull for mom to go through. She needs peace, not a bunch of worry. God knows if she was somewhere else I'd be there all the time without having to deal with my sister and her family. It would just be a lot more pleasant.

She's use to the weather in Cali and a change to Tenn would blow her mind!

Speak with your relatives about visiting her. I do not believe in putting someone away and then dissapearing and maybe your relatives need to know how she's feeling. It's an adjustment but give it some time.

Before you know it your mom will be having her very own Tea Parties and you guys won't even be invited :)

Hope this helps.

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HI, You may be surprised at how much better your mom will be if you take her to live with you. I would start by asking her if there is any one else in the family that she would like to live with, if not, take her to live with you. My mother in law lost her husband last Feb. She chose to go into an assited living place, (the director told us that she should have adjusted within 2 weeks, which she didn't) or she never would. This place was top of the line, over $4,000.00 month. In less than 6 months, she went from vibrant, healthy happy woman to a shell of her former self. One day I asked her if she was ready to get going back to her place (she had been at my house for the day), and she answered "I don't EVER want to go back there", and she never did. SHe has been with us for over 5 months now, and she is just starting to get back to her old self.

We tend to think that elderly people are like children in the sense that they "bounce back" easy and and adjust easily etc., but they don't. My advice, get her out of there, and perhaps do what I did and bring in a CNA to help take care of her.
Obviousely, if she has any conditions that would make it hard for you to do this, then I would suggest you look for another assisted living.

Another option, would be to stay her apartment for a couple of days and see if you can help her fit in and maybe make a few friends.

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There seems to be many good answers to the question - In my experience delaing with my own Mom-change is difficult enough-and with a person who has a dementia, it becomes even more taxing on all the people involved. I would think that the doctor on staff-would know of some resolution, and could discuss these possibilities with a family member who resides in her local, especially if that family member has POA for health issues. When it comes to medications, I personally believe that the family members should be involved with the decision making.

Good luck on your long distance caregiving journey.

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DONNA:

Some assisted living residents may experience a decrease in perceived control, similar to that of nursing home residents, despite the philosophy of independence that defines assisted living facilities. As assisted living residents perceived control increases, an improvement in physical health and quality of socialization ensues. There is, therefore, a significant positive correlation between the choice residents perceive they have in their self-care and leisure activities and their quality of life. Similarly, resident choice and autonomy also have a positive impact on satisfaction. Individuals who exercise independent choices and are involved in their care planning and day-to-day activities are usually healthier and happier.

Having the freedom to live her own lifestyle is very important to your mom and just about every assisted living resident. I'd have a candid talk with her to find out what exactly she's not happy with. Who knows? It might not be the facility itself but the thought of being sectioned off or detached from the rest of the family and the depression associated with that sinking feeling of being "discarded."

Everything you need to know, and every answer you seek, resides within her. The staff at the assisted living facility will undoubtedly give you a song and dance about the wonderful social activities available to all residents as well as the state of the art medical care and worry-free environment where the ostensibly free individual is supposed to flourish. Sounds to good to be true, doesn't it? It is. The moment you say goodbye to your loved one and drive away it's all business as usual.

Listen to your mother, don't be afraid to ask questions from all staff, and watch like a hawk. You are paying for a service, so don't settle for anything but the best.

-- ED

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I agree that you should tread carefully with this. Her adjustment may take some time and you want to be sure that you don't spend her last few years shuffling her around. You might want to stay in touch with administration and staff where she is to be sure that her discomfort is real and not just something that she tells you for whatever reason.

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Moving my Mom from place to place just made her worse. She was not happy at any of the first 3 places we tried but we decided to leave her in the 4th place and although she is still not happy, she has adjusted to it and now has a routine. She was not happy when she was living with me, or my sister - (and never were we). We dealt with her in our homes as long as we could and we were getting more stressed and having stress related health problems (BP, Insomnia, etc) than she was. So it was either us or her, and we chose to be happy and move her to assisted living. I am 62 and my sister is 60 years old and just could not deal with it any longer.

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Hi, I do agree with all the additional comments as each and every circumstance and person is different. I am in my early 40's, have 4 children (although the two oldest are 19 and 24), my mother in law is also a very quiet and genteel lady anyway, so yes it is hard at times, and we are trying to get her to understand that we have to spend time as a husband and wife at times.
The best advice that was given to us, was this, be involved, as ED pointed out. No one but the patient (if able) , and the family should be in charge of the meds.
What I found out was the following: If at all possible do not use the "doctor" that does rounds at the assistant living complex, or the pediatrist, as in my experience they don't always have the patient's best interest in mind. If possible don't have the meds delivered to the complex, we found that we could monitor what was being charged, easier if we were in control of the meds.
Also, we would "pop" in and out unexpectedly. Talk to the CNA's they know the patient better at times. Also, they will pick up on your cues, try to be positive about their new home, help
them decorate and make it homey and visit and call often, and the best advise is always "trust but verify"-President Ronald Reagan

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My dad was very unhappy because he felt a loss of control of his future and extreme fear because he was stuck in a nursing home. His reaction was to try to pressure us into doing something. It was terrible, I wanted to bring him here to live even though I knew it would ruin my life and my husband's life.
I felt so sorry for my dad I wanted to just die.
My dad continued this behavior because my brother and sister would be so gutless as to give him "hope" that they would take him but they would "check with me first" OMG putting it on me,,, like it was my decision.
My dad takes many, many medication, and insulin and they did not feel comfortable in caring for someone so sick but they kept letting him think.... maybe ... maybe.

Finally I told them either take dad and give him a home or quit giving him hope. He will never adjust, accept, and deal with it as long as he has choices (that don't really exist).

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That is awful - what your siblings did! It was awful for you and your dad. Good for you that you stuck to your guns, but they made it much harder for him to adjust.
Carol

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SoAlone, Your post has reminded me to never give my father false hope about something he would like, but I may not be able to deliver on. It is so good to be reminded of this. I think intuitively I have caught myself, and NOT said: "OK Dad, we'll see about that..." because I know how hurt he will be if eventually we can't. ( whatever it is). So instead, I"ll either re-direct the conversation to another topic or gently tell him that it can't be done. I hope that you don't feel "so alone" now that you are on this site with others in the same/similar boats.
Good for you for doing what you felt was right for your Dad.

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I understand what you are going through. My mother is insisting I move her after only 1 week at the assisted living center she is in. She had to move from the previous facility as she was running out of money, and we thought she would be happy here as her brother is living just down the hall (they are close). She has convinced herself that the previous facility was perfect, although she complained about the aides there, too. I asked her to give this place a chance, at least for a few weeks. But, she is having someone call me everyday since I was there last week (I was there 3 days in a row last week, and the people were all friendly and responded quickly when she called for them). Today, she had her brother call me and when he put her on the phone, she asked when I was coming down (it is about 1 hour from my home) and I told her tomorrow and she is insisting that I move her somewhere tomorrow. I told her that I will come down tomorrow, but I can't move her tomorrow. She got mad and refused to talk to me anymore. My Uncle said he was trying to talk to her, but she is extremely unhappy and has herself convinced that she can't stay there.

I can't take her to my home, as my home has different levels and she has to use a wheelchair, other than to take a few steps with a walker. Also, I grew up in a home with my grandmother and it was horrible. She treated my mother and me like slaves and was verbally abusive. I can't put my family through that, nor can I go through it again.

I am glad for this site, where people understand what we are going through. Even if you can't change it, it helps to have someone listen.

Good luck with your mother...I hope and pray everything works out for you.

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Marty, you said it so well. No one one here can change a thing for someone else, but it helps to talk about these issues. Sometimes, it gives us courage to stick something out (like your mother's complaints) just a little longer.

It seems as though, no matter what you do, your mother will do this to you. You can sympathize with her, but some people will not be happy. Period. The fact that her brother is at the particular AL, and they are close, is very good. I wish you well.
Carol

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Mary, just hang in there as you are now doing. Don't move her again. It will be the same thing all over again. Her brother is there and I am sure he visits her. Also, don't go everyday. It just makes her expect you to do it. Once or twice a week would be enough with calls on off-days. When she starts with the moving story, just tell her you can't move her but you love her and will visit very soon. Then, tell her you have to go. After a while, she will believe you. Been there, done that.

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Marty, didn't mean to get your name wrong. I looked and still left off the t. Opps.

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we have absolutely no feedback from Donna on this blog....

Donna if you are out there and reading how about some feedback?

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I recently placed my grandmother in an assisted living. They are wonderful to her, but she is sad. She had been living with us for the last 3 months, but we could not take care of her anymore. Her dementia had progressed to a point where she couldn't be left alone, and she was endangering herself with things in my house. Such as microwaving foods wrapped in foil, playing with knives, aggressive behavior towards my kids and dogs. She is still sad, and part of her behavior is trying to manipulate me into moving her back. But I cannot, assisted living is for the best. My family and I rotate visiting her several times a week. She will eventually get adjusted, we just all have to be patient and hope for the best. Unless you are able to take care of your elder full-time and can shield them from household dangers, and have someone that's willing to give you breaks during the day, do not feel guilty about placing them in assisted living. I know it's hard, I'm right there with you, but we were all feeling the stress from full time care. It's for the best, good luck to you!

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That is what happened with our Mom. She could not longer stay alone while we worked. She began to have aggressive to my husband and me. She was always afraid, not wanting us to go to work. My sister kept her first, then I took her in for about 1 and 1/2 yrs. The stress on us was awful. I'm 61 and my sister is 60. It was either her move or my marriage was at stake.

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To update you on outrsituation, my mother fell at the assisted living facility. They told me that they didn't think they could provide her with what she needed there, so I had to scramble to find her a nursing home placement. Fortunately, the nursing home in her home town, where her own mother spent her last days, was extremely cooperative and went above and beyond. They took my mother in on less than 5 hours notice after the hospital would not keep her for the night. She is still not happy, but they are doing everything I could possibly hope for...she is finally getting some lab work done to determine if some of her problems may be due to over/under/inproper medication.

She knows many of the other residents, so I am trying to stay positive that she will soon acclimate.

Hopefully, one night soon I will get more than 4 hours of sleep. I can't help but compare this to the time when I had a newborn in the house...the difference being, i was much younger then and had a lot more energy. I keep a pad of paper by the bed and write down the thoughts that keep running through by head...the problem is, I usually can't read them in the morning.

I spent the first 15 years of my life in a home where my mother took care of my grandmother, who had numerous strokes and became quite combative and abusive in her words. My mother, unfortuately, seems to be follwing the same path. I am trying to hang in there. My mother has a couple of brothers, sisters, and sisters-in law, that are trying to help...and I truly appreciate them. However, most of the burden is falling on my shoulders. I am trying to stay strong... but the words do really hurt, especially when one is exhausted. Anyone out there who is going through something like this...I am praying for you and I know that you are paying for me. I am doing my best to keep the image of the grandmother that played with my daughters firmly in my mind, and not take to heart the hurtful words that I know she really doesn't mean.

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Marty, you have done the right thing. She is where she needs to be. At least in the nursing home, there are nurses experienced with long term care and the needs she has. I have a very good friend who is a director of nursing at a Nursing Home and know the care the patients get. Assisted living is ideal, BUT - sometimes it just isn't what they need. The verbal abuse is her way of lashing out and she most likely knows it will hurt you, but don't let on that it does. If she thinks you are affected, she will keep it up for a while. I will be praying for you. I have been in your shoes. God bless.

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Don't move her in with you, it becomes your worst nightmare. Ask me, I love my mom so very much but there are days when I want to run away and join the circus. When dad went into assisted living we found that we had to stay away for a couple of weeks so he would become acclimatized to his surroundings. It has taken about 6 months and now he is completely settled in and seems to accept everything. Every so often he wants to go home but nowhere near the episodes that happened when he first got there. He hated it, he complained that the staff were mean and he would not eat or socialize, now he is agreeing to everything and he seems to be happy. Mom has been living with me since the middle of January this year and she has vascular dementia and is worse than dad. Boy is it hard, she paces, she is confused and she is like a three year old. She is going in to assisted living for 12 days this month for evaluation and to give me respite care as I am close to crashing. I do not look forward to putting her into long term care but for her safety and my health she must be moved as I am not a doctor or a nurse, just her daughter. Love her but do not move her in with you for your own health and sanity, give her time to adjust and be patient. Good luck and let the professionals do their job. Vickie

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First my sweet husband is from Bristol, TN. I would suggest (you may have already) that the Assisted Living Executive Director schedule a care plan meeting with you and each person on the Leadership Team to discuss what is happening daily with her attending activities, diet, comfort in her apartment, etc. It would be best if you can be there in person but this can also be done over the phone. Care plan meetings usually last about one hour. If the local family member could be there as well it would be very helpful. Sometimes the resident is actually doing well but does not tell the family. Hope that helps and with time in most cases they will consider the community their home.

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After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

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