Follow
Share

As some of you know, I’ve been sitting here lately, on the edge of my grave, realizing how important it is to get my ducks in a row, not only regarding the END of my life, but also all possible roads leading up to it. That’s all well and good for me but I think I waited too long to nudge DH to do the same.
We did the usual paperwork when we did our will, years ago, but even then, before any cognitive issues, it was a difficult exercise for him - and did not really get into the nitty-gritty details.
Then came the dinner party with the cheery funeral discussion. I noticed at the time DH was not participating and I made a mental note to sit down with him in private and try to coax some answers out of him. I tried a couple times, but not very hard.
A couple days ago a sales card from the Neptune Society came in the mail and I decided the time was ripe. I pulled up a chair next to him and dug in.
He tried! He really did! Oh, the labyrinth we traveled! I kicked myself every which way for letting this slide because I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, know that unless I have a notorized document with his detailed wishes (written in his own blood and printed on a t-shirt)I am going to get beaten to a pulp by his family.
So here is how we left it: I told DH that unless he will give me explicit instructions, from here on out I am going to do whatever I want and tell his family “it’s what he told me he wanted.”
His response: “ok. Sounds good to me.” Now I’m going to have to start looking for a suit of armor at garage sales.

Find Care & Housing
It does not matter what family thinks, if final arrangements are not in writing, the spouse makes the decision. We have told our daughters that cremation is OK. I don't even have lots. I want no service. They can take my money and have a nice dinner. You do what you can afford. I think COVID taught us that there no need for expensive funeral.

You know why my brother is being cremated, because he is claustrophobic.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I think that if it’s really important to you or him, or was in the past, a discussion needs to be had as to what should be done.

My dh accidentally rear ended my deceased dad’s car. The car caught on fire but he escaped unscathed. I’ve known since our relationship that he had been an organ donor for decades but due to information I learned here, I personally could not go through with having someone technically breathing going in, and a harvested corpse going out. Nor could his parents handle it.

So after 43 years, he’s off the donor registry he signed onto at 16. It took multiple contacts before we were notified that he was off the list finally.

It may seem incidental, but I would remove your dh at this point.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report
Peasuep Oct 9, 2024
That’s a really good point that I hadn’t thought of. I’ll check it out although I’m pretty sure there’s not much left of either of us anyone else could use! I do have relatives with donated parts though and I am very grateful.
(0)
Report
My husband didn't want to make plans either, wouldn't consider at least buying a burial plot at a lovely cemetery near our home. (I did know he didn't want to be cremated.) He had Parkinson's, ended up dying suddenly from a stroke, and we had to really scramble to put together a celebration of life, get a plot, etc. Luckily the cemetery we liked did have a few plots left, so he's resting with a nice view over the ocean looking out toward where an old friend had his lobster dock. We had no idea what he might want in the way of a funeral; though he was raised Catholic, he'd broken with the church in his late teens and he and I were not at all observant or religious, so we at least knew he probably wouldn't want a religious funeral. Some of his kids from a former marriage are church goers, but fortunately there was no dissension or disharmony about what we put together: remembrances from me, the kids and grand kids, his brother, and an old friend; and some music. We ended with a group of our kids and some grandkids coming up and leading a "sing-along" of a song by Pete Seeger, "Turn, turn, turn," whose words are the first eight verses of the third chapter of the Book of Ecclesiastes, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;" etc. My husband loved folk music (as do I), and this song was meaningful to us and also added a spiritual dimension to an otherwise secular occasion.

I guess I'd best figure out what I want now! (But at least we have a plot.)
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to newbiewife
Report

You will be the widow. You will do what you choose. It is after all the LAST DANGED TIME you EVER have to see them if that's what you choose.

You can always put darling Sue, the Sister in charge if that's what you want, as long as it is HER MONEY she's spending. For myself that would work great, because you know, after death NONE of my family wanted (or got) services. Dad's ashes are in the woods to the left of the Missouri shopping center. Mom's in Langsford's Rose Gardens, and my dearest Dee is in the Ocean he so loved to swim. As to mine? I honesty don't care where they'll go, so just it is cheap.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
ElizabethAR37 Oct 9, 2024
We got this!
(0)
Report
My hubby wants to be cremated and while driving home after picking up the ashes, they accidently fall out of the truck on highway we can't stop on. Singing "Life is a Highway" Then we have a drink of his favorite whiskey held in reserve and a wake in our house.
Humor aside, he is your husband, you both decide or if he is really not caring, do what YOU want. As my husband said, "I am dead, what can I do about it." If others complain, let them pay for everything and sit back and have your memories.
Cheers!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to dogwithav
Report

Peasuep, my husband 10 years older than me really won't discuss it much with me either, I've told him several times, I want to be cremated and he just shrugs, and says he doesn't care. Sometimes he says Ill be gone it doesn't matter to me

So I take this as in all honesty, it doesn't matter to him, he has no strong feelings either way, compared to a lot of people.

So I told him my plans , a simple military service at are national cemetery, and cremation, he shrugged and said, sure.

So maybe your husband just trust you and it really doesn't matter to him

If he hasn't had very strong feelings either way, I would just do what you think is right, and to heck with the family
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter