TOM’S SITUATION... Tom has no possessions other than a car and laptop, has terrible credit, can’t manage his money, and isn’t friendly. He also can’t really care for himself anymore - dementia setting in (not diagnosed yet), falls/can't handle steps, very poor hygiene (constantly urinates in showers and tubs), rarely tends to himself. His CA son has no money and the NY son is a HS drama teacher. Neither are willing to help in any way or get him to their cities. Tom makes about 2400/mo from SS and 2 pensions, one of which covers his healthcare, and I fear this is going to hurt his chances of getting help.
1ST QUESTION – THE ID... Tom came from AZ to TX 8 months ago with a paper AZ replacement driver’s license (never received the actual license) and no photo ID. He needs a picture ID and being in TX will have to secure one here, plus he’s still driving so needs a TX license. I’m afraid if my mom gets him one with her address that she might become financially responsible for his care since they would be sharing an address. COULD THIS HAPPEN? Furthermore, Tom is willing to sign over PoA to my mom but a TX ID would be required to sign with a notary. (And how do the homeless get TX ID’s.)
RECENT EVENTS... After arriving 8 months ago my mom secured an apartment for him. After only 2 months he abandoned the apartment, driving 250 miles to his childhood town with only the clothes on his back and a laptop. We got word that he checked himself into 2 different psych/mental wards, then somehow secured a trailer to live in. He despised the trailer and left, returning to my mom’s. That was over about a 3-month period.
THE RV & 2am POLICE CALL... About 6 weeks ago my mom put him in my brother's empty RV and he had a horrific diarrhea incident ALL over it. Neighbors also shared that they had to help him with several falls. The 2nd night there he drove off to a nearby town and wound up in a 7-11 looking like a vagrant. Police were summoned and they called her at 2am asking her to retrieve him. This RV stint lasted 1 ½ days before he was back in my mom’s home yet again.
He's in her bedroom and she's on her couch - neither can go up the stairs anymore - 2-story with guest rooms upstairs. I think she wanted him out of her daily living space, hence her taking her own couch. My mom has had to call 911 once so far after a fall in which he couldn’t get up. He is behaving himself but is still urinating in the shower.
2nd QUESTION ABOUT LETTING HIM FAIL... My mom wants to get him another apartment because she is under so much stress. I know she needs him out but 1) the ID issue would need to be resolved to avoid her cosigning – or she could cosign and get him out more quickly but she might be setting herself up for more damages/losses, and 2) he can’t live on his own/manage finances so he’s bound to fail again – just a band-aid. I believe he’ll fail anywhere because he’s so comfy in her home, and I would anticipate another diarrhea incident to speed up his return. THOUGHTS?
MY MOM’S HEALTH... I’m afraid my mom is on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the stress. She also has her own problems: 2 aneurisms she gets scanned annually, autoimmune problems and a very recent loss of vision in one eye requiring on-going care. Additionally, she’s limited on driving (neighborhood only). My brother is helping her out as needed.
My mom is financially fine now but will need her money to go through the assisted living phases which she's already thinking about - she's a planner. She’s letting herself be taken advantage of and it’s making me sick.
HOW DO WE GET HIM OUT OF HER CARE AND INTO THE SYSTEM? Is there even a system he can go into? Except for staying with my mom, I think he’d be considered an “elder orphan.” Is this something we should or even can pursue? And if I understand correctly one cannot qualify for true LTC when on Medicare. Are there exceptions? Do we somehow need to get him in front of a judge? If so, how?
Thank you. -Kelly
Please understand that his children are under no obligation to help him in any way, no matter what your mom thinks of that. The uncle is a grown man who had his entire life to plan for this eventuality. I don't blame his children and you and your mom need to adjust your expectations of help from them -- ever. Uncle is a dumpster fire, as he is currently proving.
Driver's License: no. Just, no. He's done. He's unsafe. It has to end at some point and he's already proven he gets lost. Don't. You may need to remove his car permanently to "the shop" at some secret location. Please do not let him get into his (or anyone else's) car so that he can hurt himself or others. He will cause no end of stress by taking off and getting lost. Those days are done.
Falling/failing: the next time he falls call 911 and have him taken to the ER (they will be happy to have him with his good insurance). Do not go with him. When it comes time to discharge him, make sure NO ONE goes to get him. Tell the hospital he is an "unsafe discharge'" and that he doesn't actually live with your mom -- he showed up uninvited and she can't take care of him, as she is also elderly and sick. Do not let the hospital pressure her into taking him back as this is the golden opportunity for the county to start guardianship of him. This is called an ER "dump". This is the chance to pass him over to the county and make him their headache. He will be out of her home. He is chaos. Your mom can't do it. The stress will literally kill her.
When the county gets guardianship she can still visit him and carry on their relationship, she just won't have any say in any of it. As far as I'm aware, it's the only path that can be taken. He will need MC soon and you believe he doesn't qualify for Medicaid so...this is it. For some problems, there are just no "good" solutions. I totally understand that your mom loves her brother and is aching to help him, so none of my comments are made lightly. I wish you all the best and sincerely hope your mom can have peace in her heart that this will protect both him and her.