Unsolicited caregiving advice. Is it genuine concern, jealousy or plain nosiness?
Newbie here and I'm so grateful to have found this site. Thanks to all of you who have posted to make this an informative and comforting place to be.
My mother and I are part of a large church community and for the most part they have been very supportive. However, every now and again, someone (usually another elderly person) will "throw off" on my care giving role. I'm always angered/saddened that they would say something to dampen my spirits especially since I've never complained about my situation. In fact, I find it rewarding to care for my mother and she expresses such gratitude in return. But I'm always left to wonder are they saying things out of concern or are they jealous because their kids/grandkids would never care for them and or are they being nosey?
Just wish I could understand the why's but if not find a quick way to shut them down and move on.
can you explain what they are saying exactly?
perhaps it is like the way people will tell you how to raise your kids....once they do it themselves they think the have the inside track to how it is done and cannot help themselves but to offer their now expert advice? Something like that?
"throw off" i.e. hurtful, back handed compliment. For instance, my uncle's wife kindly reminded me that my mother was diagnosed going on two years and how much longer would it be before I put her in a nursing home. She further stated how she cared for her MIL while trying to raise her two young boys. SMH because she knows me, I don't have children and it's my mother not an in-law, a huge difference.
Another family friend commented about how he ended up sick after caring for his mother. Again I didn't ask nor do I know the extent for which he cared for his mother.
I would look them straight in the face and say "May The Lord bless you" and walk away.
Caregiving will thicken your skin or devour you. You can not take things personally in regard to your caregiving. I promise you that it gets more challenging as time goes by. Forewarned is forearmed.
Welcome to the forum. Great big welcome hug!
Maybe don't share much except how great it all is if they ask. If any of them start down the path you don't want to hear, change the subject or just tell them you have to go, nicely without letting them know it upset you. Tune them out quickly, like when you turn off a song you can't stand to one that you like, and forget about them.
Good luck.
It's always the ones who offer no help that say things like that.
You sound like you are doing really good by your Mom, so keep your chin up. Ain't nobody got time for nosy mongers! I wish I could have taken my own advice when my Mom was living with me-I really let it get to me and I hope you don't let it get to you.
Take care.
My father had vascular dementia with serious judgement and executive function impacts but kept most of his long term memory so people who only visited occasionally and talked about "the old days" questioned whether he really needed a locked MC unit. I like to use the shock technique... "Yes, Dad is doing so well in MC and I can go back to being his daughter and let the MC staff deal with all the glasses of urine he puts on the window sill."
It is unsolicited and unwelcome.
Explain that you have a thousand friends (here) who will answer any questions you can come up with about caregiving. And walk away.
We also will have every "WHY" question answered when we get to heaven.
I stopped asking for prayer at my church because passing by a prayer team member in the vacant church, he stopped to ask me if I was feeling any better.
I did not know him, would not have confided in him, and prayer requests are supposed to be c o n f i d e n t i a l, not give a stranger power and privy into ones life. imo.
In other words, unsolicited, unwelcome, and none of their business.
Mom spent 7 decades perfecting her waif/victim persona, with a side order of control freak. Mom acted like she was destitute, when in truth she had ample financial resources. Mom wouldn’t let anyone perform a task (large or small) for her, unless they did it HER way.
Mom was so “private” that she assigned DPOA/HCPOA to someone who lived 100 miles away and had spent time with mom only 3 or 4 times during the last 10 years of mom’s life. (A kind and trustworthy person - to be fair. But that’s how determined mom was to maintain her privacy.)
**massive eyeroll**
Mom saw a doctor once in the last 20 years of her life. So NO diagnosis and NO treatment for her escalating defects with balance, mobility, mood, tiredness, dexterity.
Yet these “experts in our midst” genuinely expected me to be a saintly live-in amateur nurse with psychic abilities. And no needs of my own. No life of my own. No privacy. No career.
Incredible.
“Ignorance is bliss,” alright. For everyone who’s on the outside looking in.
I have a witty daughter (on that fine line to sarcasium) and so many times I wish I had it. Responses to stupid (what she feels is stupid) things people say to her just comes easily out of her mouth. They don't know what hit them. So for us that don't have this talent, we just learn to let it roll off there backs. Some people have no filter. If over 80 chalk it up to age decline. My mother already had me when she married again when I was 2. I was adopted by that man. They later had 3 more children. At my sisters funeral an elderly friend of my Moms said to me "I bet your Dad is heartbroken over the loss of his only daughter". Yes it hurt but I chalked it up to who said it. She always said what she thought. She was a miserable woman. Told her own son she never wanted him.
When our house burned down in 2014 bushfires, people would say a few months later ‘I hope you’re getting back on your feet again now’. Well no, actually. It takes years to replace a few miles of fencing, let alone everything else. Once again, they want to feel good themselves. The comments are a wall to stop them feeling bad for you.
Perhaps the unsolicited advice comes from the same place – they want to think that they can give you a suggestion that will solve all your problems.
There is no need to be nasty, but it’s good to have an automatic response yourself: ‘We’re coping OK thanks. How are you going?’.
Put the two together and you get someone trying to control you dressed up in really nice clothing.
At that point respond with a pleasant smile, "everything is going well" and change subject!! And in your mind, just think they must have meant well.
I didn't mind others asking about my mother, usually it was someone who cared. I would be brief but give a little feedback. All of mom's generation on both sides are gone as are some of my generation. Most of her former friends are also gone or dealing with their own issues (mom is 96, living in MC.) Brothers are really not in the mix - consulted with them during the early stages and move, as well as the condo sale (they helped some, but most of it fell on me.) Since then, not much contact. OB isn't local and his last visit said it all - refused to go back as he "didn't know what to do with her". YB will sometimes finally respond to some special event or meal at the facility, but I get tired of asking over and over, so most of the time I don't bother now.
For those who offer unsolicited advice, just smile (as best you can) and offer thanks, saying you'll take it under consideration and just do what you do! You will even get unwanted advice here too - we just advise to ignore them (some offer such awful comments that I do post back to them, but many I don't think get it!) They aren't worth the time of day and certainly don't need to ruin your day. Some think it is best to place someone in a facility, others demand, yes demand, that you do it all yourself. Whatever is working for you is what is best. Not everyone can or wants to place a LO, others can't deal or continue to deal with it alone or even with a little help. In one ear, out the other!
Again, everyone's journey is unique and how we deal with it is personal. Sometimes advice can be helpful, but many times it is just someone's opinion and/or based on their own experience, but that doesn't necessarily apply to you. So long as you can care for mom and it's all working good, who cares what others say? In one ear, out the other!
People don't know what to say to you (me) and sometimes it comes out as totally inappropriate. I can't tell you how many people told me to put my DH into a nursing home, repeatedly, but I always said, "we manage. Thank you for caring." Then I moved on.
If they say something based on their own children doing nothing for them - have a heart. There are a lot of elderly out there who get no support from kids. It's very likely some of these parents wish they had what you are giving.
Maybe they mean well. They just don’t have any first hand experience with the situation. If their heart is in the right place and you wish to educate them, do so.
If you know that they are vicious people, don’t waste time or energy on them. If you have been wanting to tell them how you feel, go ahead.
No right or wrong way to deal with this, personal choice. All of us are entitled to our own opinions. Don’t feel badly about your feelings. Honor your feelings and respect that others may feel differently.
Others should be kind though. You don’t have to accept others being condescending, patronizing or cruel to you. Don’t give them the time of day, if it will fall on deaf ears.
I tend to think people have good intentions rather than bad ones, so I wouldn't attribute their advice to nosiness or jealousy right out of the gate. Just smile, thank them, and continue to do what you think is best.
You will never know why they feel the need to come at you like that but I would take anything usable they say and the rest toss out with the household trash.
You will not be able to figure out their motives so instead just listen and be thankful when it is over.
Many seniors are wise, many are busy bodies and it can be hard at times to tell the difference too me because they could be onto something I would listen and sift, u may find some of the suggestions work no matter how they are presenting.
Keep loving on your mom and know she may get to the place she cannot express gratitude but keep pressing and do what you believe is right.
It will not always be easy but love will get you through