Still trying to set boundaries with my mom in assisted living. She calls (leaves voicemails) with a needs list and I drop off to the administrator who says she is fine. These calls are full of abusive, narcissistic, and emotional accusations. She always reports something that she has discovered such as I called the bank, you're not giving my tithe to the church, etc. She enjoys telling me that my deceased dad would not like me spending all his hard-earned money on this place, you need to get over here & straighten them out, food is disgusting, and everyone is either quitting or upset. I inform the administrator who says she is nitpicking everything to you but she's fine. The list of needs is over $200 each month. I'm going to include the receipts on this next delivery so she can SEE it and yes, I'm now spending her money on this, not mine, even though it will shorten her days at the facility.
1) Does she know at age 89 what she is doing or does it really matter? Am I making excuses because she's my mom, elderly, and so unhappy? I know I've been groomed to take it and she's diminished me to a daughter who hates hearing her ugly voicemails; however, my self-esteem and physical health are affected each time (so I'm not doing a very good job of setting boundaries except for not going to see her in person!). I have walked away but the POA job involves getting her list to her and not neglecting her. She will not tell the facility to call me with the needs list. The spin, lies, and stirring of the stew still continue to bother me even tho I'm avoiding the physical abuse.
2) Any advice on what to expect from a counselor? I do not want to hear "be nice to yourself" as I can do this. Will it be beneficial to my anxiety, family, and well being? Any experiences to share? Thank you all!
Good therapists ask hard questions (usually after the relationship is established).
It sounds as though your mom has long-standing, untreated mental illness. This can be tough to come to terms with, as some folks think it means that they've been "blind" to it. NOT SO! You grew up with this! You had NO idea that THIS wasn't normal. You need to let the self blame go.
I doubt that showing your mom receipts is going to have any impact on her demands.
((((hugs)))))
If she hasn’t been declared incapacitated/incompetent, there is no obligation on your part to get anything for her. Her responsibility. If she is competent, she is capable of procuring things through other routes. Do what you are willing to do. She is certainly not going to die if she has to eat the breakfast her AL provides.
DPOA means you have the ABILITY to handle her affairs, not the RESPONSIBILITY to do so. It does not make you her personal assistant. It means you can take care of her business if you want/need to. If she is still competent, there is nothing you HAVE to do. IF she has been declared incapacitated and you have Medical POA, you have responsibility to keep her safe and see that her basic needs are met. Not necessarily by you.
And if you have DPOA and she has been declared incapacitated (forgive me, I don’t remember your whole story), it is completely reasonable for you to make decisions that ensure her money lasts for her care, whether or not she agrees (broken brain).
Do not spend your money on her. You have to take care of yourself.
You do not have to visit every day. Once a week is more than enough, especially in a really unhealthy situation such as this. Did you see your parent every day after you left the house, got your first apartment job, lived away from home? Probably not. Think of that if it helps alleviate some guilt.
This age/cognitive stuff comes on so slowly, sometimes we get enmeshed in ways that are not normal or healthy without even noticing. Stepping back and looking at what would be reasonable in a normal world (your peers... lol, in this case peer pressure is a good thing;) can help.
FIL with dementia would always say you need to get over here and straighten these people out, etc. By that time, we were aware of how he would use (or imagine) scenarios to get us scrambling to “fix” things. The dramas in her mind are not emergencies for you to fix. Listen to her complaints and let them go in one ear and out the other, if necessary. You aren’t a secretary... you don’t have to keep a running list of her issues. Forget them (unless there is a huge safety concern). You get your life back and the administrator gets to use the time previously dealing with these stressful calls for actually running the facility.
I hope this helps you as you wrap your brain around some of the false guilt that you are feeling. I know this is hard; you sound so beaten down. But, you can do this. Just keep sticking with the boundaries, behaving reasonably, not reacting emotionally, and taking care of yourself. You will see results.
For years, especially after his death in 2009, she's stirred up things that didn't go her way. Physical abuse occurred in late January when I said 'no' to her request to move into an apartment on her own. I've not been back. She calls, gives demands, leaves orders, complains, curses, digs at me, nitpicks about ALF, and tells me I've always been hard headed, etc. One sibling hasn't seen her in over 2 years & the other one went Christmas Eve but cannot take the stress as she has RA & has recently been in the hospital. I'm it in more ways than one! But, all I hear is "I don't know what has happened to our family, especially you!"
She will be 89 soon, will not agree to any neurology visits or evaluations. NP visits her often, saying we need to find a creative way to deal with her angst because she has the right to refuse. She's still sharp enough to notice if her blood thinner is a different shape/color. Very adamant about her small dosage of Xanax at night, no more or less. If AL doesn't give her the water pill by 2:30 each day, she's either laying them out or leaving a message for me! So, no not declared incapacitated but there's little to no reasoning skills remaining. She has repeatedly told me to turn all her "stuff & money" over to a lawyer especially when I say no or she's not getting a loaf of bread to make her meals when she doesn't want to go to the dining room.
Her needs list includes Graham crackers, instant coffee, Avon moisturizer to excessive levels, exzema soaps & lotions, bunion pads, Kleenex, detergent for handwashing blouses & compression socks, dark spot cream, mouthwash, Polident, hairspray, and Cetaphil face wash for roscea to name a few! High maintenance for a woman who never worked or was never rich. If she makes it to NH & on medicade, I understand she'll get 30$ to spend. So, yes, after all her grips, I want her to see the receipts now & know it's coming out of her money now! She is safe so I am thankful for that. I don't know what I'll do in 2 years when money is gone but I cannot allow her in my home. It would kill me, no doubt. I pray counseling will help me do exactly what you're suggesting. My heart hurts for her but I'm having to back out of this drama as much as possible. Thanks for your suggestions, clarifications, listening, and compassion.
Oh, for anyone who is on Medicare, I found it wasn't easy finding a therapist who took Medicare, thus slimmer pickings. Just a heads-up, unless you feel paying out of pocket is worth it.
One thing to remember, our elder parents will continue to be the adult, and we the child, no matter how old we are. We are just the "kids", and what do we know :P
Yes, I'm still the kid at almost 67...ughh.
You asked an earlier reply if you should take a written document of what you have gone through, yes is the answer. It will accomplish two things, one it will give the therapist an over view of your situation and two it will allow your to put your thoughts in order prior to the visit.
FF suggested trying to find a therapist who has lived through care giving, that may help, but a good therapist is not looking at only the care giving relationship. They will be looking at the family dynamics that have led up to this current situation. Do not be surprised if the first few visits are all talking about the past and not your current concerns.
When I was in therapy after my marriage broke up, the therapist I saw had not been divorced, but that did not mean she was unable to help me.
Please know that you can delete your mother's voice mail without listening to them. She may not want to give the admin her list of things, but if you refuse to respond to her calls, she will have no choice but to do so. And yes, provide an itemized receipt, so she knows how much of her money she is spending.
She's my mom, even though she's got demons & dementia. My dad chose me as POA; I always think of him when I wanna throw in the towel. As things grow worse (& I know they will), I'll call the administrator & get the list from her.
Thanks so much, Tothill.
But in your case, I do honestly think this might be a tactic worth adopting. Don't listen to your mother's voicemails, delete them. Call her when it's convenient and make a note then of anything she really needs. This puts you in charge of what you listen to. If she is abusive when you call her, you hang up.
She is in a good ALF. There is *never* going to be an instance where you genuinely need to know information that is only available mixed in with the abuse she leaves on your phone. Therefore, you are *never* going to fall down on your POA responsibilities simply because you deflect this abuse by deleting it.
I am delighted to hear that you are now avoiding the physical abuse. Time to work on permitting yourself to avoid the equally damaging mental and emotional abuse, too.
The list, the list... what's on it? What kind of thing are you getting for her?
I can't wait to hear your response because you always tell it like it is!
I know it's ridiculous....but it's HER money! I'm the unappreciated errand girl & she's my mother....even if she begins her message with "You need to get your a-- over here!" And, continues with demands & how this place is hell!
Your duties as POA include:
To ensure that your mother is supplied with toiletries.
To assist your mother with making purchases when she wants to.
But you are required to do these things in a way that serves her best interests, yes? And you are also required to compensate for her cognitive deficits, acting as far as possible as she would have done before she lost any marbles.
So. If she is determined to try the wonderful new bees' bottom extract she's heard so much about, no problem. Ideally get her a sample from your friendly perfumery department; but if you can't then it's fine to get her the smallest available size. Say she takes to it, and lo and behold it really does make her crows' feet vanish (actually, if it does, can you get me some?), but it costs $99.99 a pop. When her money runs out then she can't have it any more and she can be abusive as she likes, she still can't buy it. But there are birthdays and Christmases and Mother's Days ahead and she can discover the meaning of the words "special treat" instead.
Whereas, by contrast, with the Avon face cream: she may be using it to excess, which is for the caregivers to deal with because it's a personal hygiene issue; or she may be repeat buying because she's become obsessed and/or she forgets or can't find her stock of it. [H'm. It's a popular brand: it's also possible that her face cream is going walkies out of her room - just something to keep an eye on.] But here you can make the list your friend. You know her personal care routines, you know what she gets through; you can easily create a template shopping list and tick the items that need replacing week by week.
Anyway. Here's the thing. Your boundary as regards mother's supplies must be permeable *to an extent*. You need it to let through information about what she actually does require, but to filter out everything else - the rudeness, the needless urgency, the redundant repetition.
Is she up to checking things off on a list? If you were to provide her with the templates, would she be able to read it and mark items on it?
I agree it is useful to record and to show her exactly what her outgoings are. I think it's probably a bit optimistic, possibly even not appropriate, to expect her to handle budgeting as such. Do you hope to nip in the bud her idea that you are a magic shopping bag that never sends in the bill? I wouldn't count on that. I think it's more likely that in due course your filter will also need to separate out indignant disappointment; but by then you'll be so good at this stuff anyway it shouldn't trouble you too much.
Last night she had a hissy fit with Administrator, talking ugly to her & then she refused her meds.
Today, calling me again, left ugly message wanting to meet & talk with all children so she can sway the weakest one. My siblings are either sick or uninterested, so not meeting.
I have no intentions of seeing her at this time. I'll just make the needs drop off.
Thanks so much, CountryMouse!