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my mom has dementia but other than forgetting what she just said or being confused at times she’s doing OK. My dad is in perfect condition but he’s 89. They were living alone in a condominium in Florida. I felt it was no longer appropriate for them to be alone as he couldn’t keep up with the meals cleaning, etc. so I moved them into independent living. Now I’m getting comments from other residents about my mom’s memory and I feel terrible. Perhaps I should have put them into assisted-living. Should I move immediately to get them over there or wait and see what happens. I can’t separate the two of them, but dad will hate assisted-living. Thank you so much.

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Very often these places are like being back in high school complete with cliques and judgmental comments, a good friend of mine heard lots of tsk tsk commentary about her mother and others who "shouldn't be there". As long as your parents are coping and the management isn't telling you otherwise you need to let this roll off your back, but do make an plan about the inevitable next step lest a crisis forces you to act in haste.
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Reply to cwillie
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Dad doesn't "have to" use the caregiving services at AL, but mom needs them. They'll have a regular apartment in AL, and all meals provided, activities etc, so dad can stay in the apartment all day if he so desires. Mom can get help with showering and anything else she needs, letting dad off the hook.

What's to "hate", I don't get it. If you keep them in IL and mom has a crisis, or dad for that matter, then you are under the gun to get them moved immediately, under duress. The handwriting is on the wall, it's up to you when you make the move for them.

The only potential issue I can foresee is the AL insisting mom go into Memory Care w/o dad, which wouldn't work. Make it clear they cannot be separated.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If your parents are doing ok . Let them be for now , unless you see problems with incontinence , hygiene , wandering etc.
If Dad is still able to supervise her then fine . That would be the same as him supervising at home . You said you moved them to independent living for the help with meals , cleaning , etc.

The other residents are busy bodies .
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Reply to waytomisery
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waytomisery Jun 24, 2024
If things change and are waiting for space in assisted living , hiring an aide to come in can help bridge the gap until they are moved .
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OP, I also live in Florida. I toured a lot of facilities. It is quite common to have a couple in independent living in which one has some memory issues and the other can function normally.

Ignore the comments from the residents.

Keep Dad happy.
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Reply to brandee
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The "problem" with Independent Living is that it is INDEPENDENT and the staff can not help dad or mom at all.
So if dad does need help with mom he can not ask staff to do anything.
(from a friend of mine that is IL if she fell the staff is not allowed to help them up, they have to call 911 for a Lift Assist.)

Assisted Living might have been a better option. The facility where they are currently, does it have levels of care? Maybe a move to AL is appropriate now and it might be that mom may need Memory Care in the near future.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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cwillie Jun 24, 2024
I've heard of Assisted living places that won't help a person up from a fall but routinely call for a lift assist instead, often you end up paying a lot more money for a very similar level of service.
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The facility should have screened your parents for appropriate placement when they were looking to move in. You can ask them to do another screening to see if another placement is warranted if you are concerned. In my father's Assisted Living the Independent folks and the AL folks were all in the same building and the only difference to the residents was level of care. In AL my dad got medication management, meals provided and housekeeping. In Independent Living they were independent and had to take care of themselves. If other residents are just being catty, ignore them. If they seem genuinely concerned that your mother isn't getting the care and oversight she needs talk to the facility. In my dad's case, even in assisted living he was independent and could come and go as he pleased, go on vacation, stay out all night, have overnight visitors. It was just that they kept an eye on him with medications, etc, provided meals if he wanted them (he also had a kitchen), and stopped by a couple of times a day to check on him.
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Reply to jkm999
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Have you had a meeting with the head nurse (at my mother's place, she is called The Wellness Director.) ?

Have you spoken to any of the caregivers? The ladies at my mother's facility are usually wealths of information.

Other residents are not your best bets for reliable information.
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Reply to cxmoody
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MACinCT Jul 3, 2024
ILs do not have caregivers or nurses. They provide meals, light housekeeping and weekly laundry. Residents are required to sign up for transportation independently. Caregivers and medications can be paid for privately. Usually there is a service provider who has several clients. If dad is doing well by providing for mom then they are OK at the present time. Ignore the gossips. They frequent many ILs
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Ignore the other residents.

Hire a caregiver to help Mom in independent living if need be.

Prioritize Dad. Keep him happy in independent living.
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