We gave up our lives for this???
Hi everyone. I'm new here. My parents both had cancer, and I was off work 2 years caring for them. Dad passed in May. We renovated and sold our home to buy the "farm" and move in with Mom. We promised Dad to help her out so she could remain in her home.
Well, it sucks. I mean really, really sucks. It's our home now, but she doesn't accept that. She wants us stuffed in a corner quietly. And serving her every whim.
Well, the day before yesterday, I came home from work and went in the wrong door. The wrong door! She yelled at me, swore at me, and when I tried to find out what she was even upset about, she said, "no wonder your kids left you, all you do is accuse!" I have one estranged son who has run off and left the entire family.
Honestly, it is the absolute cruelest thing anyone could ever say to me, and I can't get past it.
We are still not talking. Today she is yelling at my husband, calling him a cruel man. All because he put her dog outside of our room. Her dog is poorly behaved. If she were my dog, I would train her, but Mom wants the dog to love her. YUP, it's sad. But she's also impossible.
My brothers wanted to put her in a home, but we wanted to help her.
And changed everything - sold our home and moved across town, quit my job, moved away from friends and my hubby's family - just to be treated like garbage.
I wish I had just put her in a home.
12 Answers
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With the support of her other family members (your brother), and your own less than comfortable situation, find the loveliest residential site you can, and help her move there.
You are FAR too focused on her behavior to be able to realize that it is her dementia that is treating you like garbage. Her filters and all sense of appropriateness, if she ever had them, are deteriorating as her damaged brain deteriorates.
It is not you, not your absent child, not her. It is Alzheimer’s.
Place her. My mother, whom I loved dearly, THRIVED in care for 5 1/2 years.
Take care of yourself. You deserve good care too!
It's time to sit down (maybe with the help of an eldercare attorney) and figure out plan B.
Don't ascribe to the "sunk cost" fallacy-- this is the way it HAS to be.
Nope.
Mom sounds like she has some significant mental health issues, maybe all dementia driven, maybe not. She should be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to determine if meds might ease her agitation.
This IS your house. Act as you please and ignore her ranting. Look up "grey rock" as a technique for dealing with bad behavior.
Consider calling 911 if she becomes out of control or falls, or develops a UTI. Make it clear to the hospital that she cannot be cared for at home and requires placement.
Financially, how are things set up? Rehtorical question, don't have to answer here-just what is going on with the property, who really owns it and how can the monies be used when you sell it. Talk to an elder lawyer specialist about what rights you have. Who has Power of Attorney?
You do not have to tolerate, put up with, endure, suvive verbal abuse from any one, any time, any where. Time to straighten this out and leave. Talk to your brothers, a untied front is a very good thing with stuff like this. It won't be your dear old mother swearing at you like a drunken Merchant Marine angry about a door and there you are alone. Whereas when all the siblings are together, that's a united stance/group that your mother may find hard to bully.
Find out if you can get your job back, move back to your old neighborhood (even renting for a year could work), hang out with hubby's family, re-establish your ties and have that to look forward to.
We all make mistakes, that's why pencils have erasers*
*As my best friend Scott would say.
She is in remission from lymphoma. She had a tumour removed from her spine and now uses a walker. She has COPD, anxiety, chronic UTI's and has a catheter. The Dr. says that she does not have dementia or alzheimer's. The nurse agrees. I disagree, but I am not qualified to say anything with any certainty.
We have a PSW who comes in to see her and give her showers. She thinks it's all just age-related frustrations. But she has always been mean and controlling.
She had changed when Dad was declining, I guess she was worried for herself so treating me nicer...but now she's worse than ever!
EDITED to add: we really don't want to sell the farm! I left my job and we decided to completely change our lives around. I planted thousands of garlic seed in the fall. We are in the midst of renovating the small house on the property into a B&B. I honestly want to make it work. But I can't let her treat us this way.
She does have assets, however, if you paid fair market value for her property. And she likely could afford a nice ALF.
Did you and Mom ever get along? Do you really get along now? Is the money all still there that you paid for the Farm? Might you consider selling it back to her? Is she demented or is she able to live there on her own? Would she like to move to a lovely facility with her assets from the farm?
So many questions here, and I guess the real answer comes down to how able your Mom is now cognitively to act for herself, and how willing you all are to sit together and negotiate the way forward. Living together is clearly not working. Mom clearly still thinks of this as her home. And you think of it as yours. And seems neither of you is big on creating your own spaces, and living together.
There are ways to mediate with a person helping you if you would like contact numbers for that; send me a private message and I will send contacts for mediation to you.
Good luck.
Try to remember that no one has to tolerate abuse from anyone. Your mother behaves abusively to you and your husband and neither of you should tolerate that.
The next time she swears at you, or tells you off, or behaves like a bully, give it right back to her. Tell her to shut the hell up. Then remind her that you and your husband are the only thing standing between her and a nursing home. No one is going to take care of her because your brothers her sons, all agree that she should be in a care facility. If she brings up your boy who is estranged from you, tell her that she doesn't know what she's talking about and no one cares what she thinks. Then walk away.
I've dealt with many mean, vicious, and downright nasty senions over a long time of being an in-home caregiver. I'm currently coping with being the sole caregiver to my mother who is the grandmother of all of them.
These are the responses I give and when they're followed by a period of total ignoring will usually improve a situation involving a seniors like your mom. At least temporarily until different living arrangments are made.
I disagree. I mean, if it's not dementia, then she's just a nasty old woman, and who wants to believe that, right?
It isn't easy to live with people. And she is elderly; at 80 I can ASSURE you she isn't going to be easier to live with.
You may need to sell her own home back to her at the price she paid for it, and as her money is likely sitting in her accounts earning not much, she can afford it. Or get a mediator and decide how you will reconstruct the home so as to make living there comfortable and separate. Your own entrance to your own home.
It was you and hubby who decided this was all a good idea. It isn't easy to live with roommates and husbands, let alone with mothers. I am certain you can all find an answer to this. However, when it DOES descend into dementia or other care needs the answers will not be so easily come to.
That said, it sounds like your mother IS suffering from dementia. Many doctors & nurses & medical 'pros' chalk every ugly symptom off to 'just old age' when in reality, it's dementia at play. Was mom TESTED specifically FOR dementia with a cognizance exam that she was scored on? If not, nobody knows for sure if she has dementia, they are only guessing.
You purchased this farm, the situation is NOT working out, yet you say you want it TO work out but mom needs to change her behavior in order for it TO work out. That's a fantasy, much like the dying at home with angel choirs singing but severe illness present at the same time. Something has to give; either your demand that mother has to change her behavior, or you move out. Because sick elders, especially with dementia or personality disorders/quirks are NOT going to change their behaviors. They only worsen, unfortunately.
She's hurting you with her stinging remarks, refusing to let you have your own space in the house, and you are miserable but not wanting to move out. So what's the answer, you tell us? You say you are in the midst of renovating the small house out back into a B&B. Instead, maybe you can move into IT to have your own private space away from mom. Other than that, given your desire to stay on the property, I don't see that you have another options.
My one question is this: you say "I wish I had just put her in a home." What is to prevent you from placing her NOW?
Wishing you the best of luck.
Sadly, everything we discussed (family meetings and lawyers involved in figuring it all out) isn't working for *her* now. I'm still good with it. It's a big house, we took over areas she hasn't used in years - they were just storage, and Dad's bedroom... but suddenly she wants access to these places. I'm sure it's dementia. Nothing else makes sense. Her nurse and PSW are having a meeting this afternoon to discuss possibly getting a therapist (those we *can* pay for, at least!) to come in and talk with mom, maybe see what's really wrong.
The part of the house that's still Mom's is being left unchanged for her. We share the huge kitchen, and I am not changing her "decor" there, either. I really wanted to make this as easy as possible for her.
So I guess what I'm saying is, the only thing preventing me from placing her now is my conscience!
I wouldn’t be very nice about that either. Maybe make the effort to meet her halfway and agree that it’s everyone’s home now. The house is what you buy; a home is where you live. It's home for all of you.
Yes, what she said about your son was very hurtful. You should tell her that if you haven’t. I’m not a big advocate of the silent treatment; it’s childish and unproductive. I believe in tackling problems head-on. Step away from the issue for a little bit or sleep on it, but don’t sit around seeing who can outlast the other one by not talking. It’s hardly going to make your living situation improve.
If she doesn't have dementia, talk to her like she's competent. That means no yelling, no name-calling, and finding ways to compromise on the living spaces.
The silent treatment? I tried talking to her. It led to her losing it more. I actually was told to back off for a while and let *her* cool down.
I 100% tackle problems head on. I gave her the opportunity to talk about what was bothering her, if you don't like how the house is divided, tell me, we can work something out, etc. She is being extremely childish. I told her just TALK about what's bugging you, what you want or need - don't scream. But she is being unreasonable. Anyways, yeah.
If your Mom has Dementia, even in early stages, there is no reasoning with her. You need to let things she says roll off your back. If how she is acting is new, then something is wrong.
If you outright own the home now, that money can be used for her care in a nice AL. You also need to understand, in her mind the house is hers and you are staying with her.
Ignore her ranting about nonsensical/hurtful stuff, hard as that is.
Grey Rock sometimes boils down to "hmmm-mmmm" when she is blathering. Don't feed the fire, don't fuel the flames.
Let her burn herself out.
Get her to geriatric psychiatrist. If it's not dementia, then there is anxiety, depression, agitation going on.
It warrants investigation.
For someone who yells, just walk out of the room. If ‘sharing’ the kitchen is a problem, give yourselves a mini-kitchen (there are some versatile benchtop multi cookers, worth looking at). Make the room boundaries stick, with cuphooks on your side of the doors if you need to.
Find a new family doctor for all of you – not one who has known her for years. Write a note in advance of the reasons why you suspect mental decline.
‘We promised Dad’ wasn’t a contract. Dad didn’t know what this was going to be like, and neither did you. It’s about as binding as the marriage vow of ‘til death do us part’, when you then find out he’s a serial abuser. Your DH probably had even less idea that you did about what might be around the corner. It's all a great pity, but there it is. What are you doing to DH's life because of a mess with YOUR parents? Garlic isn’t enough to compensate!
Draw a line in the sand, look at NOW. What’s the best thing for all concerned for the future. Not one of the three of you is happy, and it’s getting worse. The money is a mess. Ask mother what she wants, to be based on what’s possible when you limit what you and DH are prepared to do and to tolerate. If it doesn’t all add up, face the fact that Dad didn’t want you all to live in misery. Start again to find the least worst outcome. That's the first step. Good luck!
Do what you gotta do to maintain your sanity and reclaim your life. Noone should have to put up with abuse from anyone. I empathize and wish you luck.