We have the space to take in my grandmother, but my husband is vehemently against her moving in with us and thinks it's way too much work. What do I do?

I might have professionals evaluate her to see what level of care that she needs. If she is crying hysterically all through the day, I would have her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. Mental distress is just as painful as physical pain. I'd explore what treatment there might be to help her feel better. My LO, who suffered with Vascular Dementia, also had a lot of anxiety and depression. Daily meds really helped her feel better and she became very content, without feeling drowsy at all. Also, keep in mind that your grandma likely calls so much because she forgets that she just called. So, a plan should be worked out to address this.

I would caution you that people with dementia can't be left alone for even a short time, past the early stages. They are like a toddler. They often have sleep disorders and stay up all night, they normally become incontinent and have to be changed every couple of hours, and may ingest non-food items, mishandle appliances, or harm themselves by accident. I'd read a lot about what their care entails and discuss it with your family, before taking this on. I would also question having a young child with you as you care for her, because often they lose control of their boundaries and filters and their behavior may be unpredictable. It's a lot to consider.

I'd question if the facility she is in is watching her enough. That many calls of her in distress is disturbing. Why haven't they tried to address this? I'd arrange a meeting and get their input. Maybe, they aren't equipped to handle someone with her progression. Is this an Assisted Living or Nursing Home? I found that a Memory Care facility served my LO so much better. She got the constant attention that she needed and really settled down when she arrived there. If the resident is not getting the proper level of care, they seem to be less content, imo.

I'd read a lot of the personal stories on this site about others who are doing what you are considering. It will give you a lot to think about.  

If your husband is vehemently opposed, how can you consider this?

Danielle, I'm sorry your poor grandmother is feeling so unhappy; but you need to realise that putting her into your home wouldn't cure that. She *still* wouldn't know where she was, it would still frighten her, but the difference would be that 24/7 you'd be responsible for dealing with her fear.

Your husband is right, this is way too much work. Grit your teeth, visit her on a regular schedule, turn your phone off when the calls get too much (give the NH an alternative number for emergencies), and wait for this phase to pass. I hope it'll be soon.

I thinkyour husband is right.
ive lived with someone with dementia because her daughter couldn't cope after six years of having her live with her at her home and its got so bad emotionally it was hard to watch to see how much her condition has taken everything from her.

I had her move in with me and it got to point where even I couldn't cope she has gone to a well good home since and we visit it all the time but she cant even walk and doesn't know who we are.

I know what your going through and its a kind gesture and all what your trying to do but it will mess your health and emotionally take it out of you.
I thought about what I did and it didn't do any good despite doing the best we all could. and I think about when I wasn't not well and I need help who's there for me?? carers care but who cares for the carer?

They need 24/7 care and you cant turn your back for a second its harder than its made out to be especially when they move into your home its nothing like working with them at a home because end of shift people can leave and go home and live a normal life but its exceptionally harder when its a loved one.

if you let her move in id urged you it should only be for a small amount of time.

I'm sorry if my advice isn't great but Id wanna make sure you do right thing but think of the welfare for yourself and your family because believe me when I tell you its not a walk in the park.

I'm 25 and I'm so knackered that most days I'm very depressed now and am going through other things too.
hope you do right thing and look after yourself. 

You are very sweet to want to help grandma--BUT, the needs of your family (Hubby, baby) MUST come first.

Do have grandma evaluated to see what might be done to make her more comfortable where she is.

She isn't going to "improve" as she ages and having twice weekly care isn't nearly enough. You will get dragged into it and you'll come to resent it, and her. Dementia patients can't be reasoned with, so you'll spend a lot of time with your 2nd baby. I know this is hard, and you already are doing the best thing you can for grandma. Bless you for stepping up!!

Danielle, you've gotten good advice. I'd like to shift the focus for a minute and raise the issue of her living in a basement guest room. Some issues to consider:

1. Safety. Unless the basement has a walkout option, available bathroom and kitchen, and is insulated, heated and air conditioned, she'd have to be climbing stairs every time she needs something that's not in the guest room. If it's not a hazard to her health now, it could become so as she ages.

2. In addition, there are certain code standards for living space in the basement, specifically, window escape access in the event of an emergency.

3. If an emergency were to occur, do you think she'd be able to use the escape window? People tend to become frantic in emergency situations and her dementia might spike and confuse her even more.

4. She's now confused as to where she is. Another move to your home, even with you there, might increase the confusion. It's entirely possible that the confusion as to where she is will continue if she moves in with you.

You've obviously in a difficult situation, especially when your husband disagrees. And unfortunately when dementia is involved, situations don't get better.

Please do not even consider this. Your husband is strongly against it and that is the first priority. As others have pointed out there are several issues that make such an arrangement unsuitable - your young child needs your love and attention, a basement suite has features which don;t work for a senior, dementia which progresses to require more and more care. The frequent calling indicate that she is agitated and probably has memory problems. She needs an assessment to see if her meds can be adjusted to help with the anxiety she is experiencing. She is much better off where she is, with 24/7 staff. It is way too much work for you. Keep advocating for her at her facility. She is very fortunate to have you.

If she is in a nursing home,, why are they letting her call you 40 times a day? How does she get anything done, like eating or activities? They should be engaging her more, so she calls you less. I would address this with them, and perhaps see about removing the phone? They can call you if there is a problem, or allow her to call you once a day. The must know she has dementia? My fairly with it 87 year old mom moved in with hubs and I a few years ago.. and our daughter is an adult and out of the house, an it has been stressful. I dread when her memory gets worse,, her frailty is hard enough.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Absolutely NOT. This will be the biggest mistake of your life!

I have my 94 year old stage 7 Alzheimer's mother (end stage before death) living with us and we are barely able to keep our heads above water! You two are way too young to have your lives irreparably disrupted. You would be doing your 1 year old son a huge disservice. Mommy would be too busy with grandma. He would have to vie for his mother's attention because "grandma needs this or that". That's just wrong. To have a dementia victim in your home is like having a child but one that doesn't learn and can't be reasoned with, their behavior only gets WORSE. You will have to have eyes in the back of your head and, even though you are young, having her there will take a huge toll. She also could potentially cause a dangerous environment for your small son with her confused behavior.

In the end stages of dementia you will be feeding her, changing diapers, bathing her, dressing her, walking with her to make sure she doesn't fall. Every need will have to be taken care of by you. That should scare the begeebers out of you!

You say you work from home-well, forget that. Is your mother-in-law going to watch your grandmother too, so you can work? See, this arrangement WON'T work.
You will be SO tired that your relationship with your husband will suffer. You won't have ANY time for him because you'll be trying to divide your time between your son (whom you SHOULD be interacting with) and your grandmother. Hubby will become resentful and start to back away from you, believing that all this is your fault. It's hard to regain the intimacy that you once had.

Compared to you guys, my husband and I are old (late 50's and 60.) We've been married 10 years. We have more life experience than you but we are having a most difficult time managing this family situation. Mother screams out any time she feels like it. She becomes combative when things don't go her way. This is not unusual behavior for late stage Alzheimer's. Don't forget that dementia is ongoing, it only gets worse. THEN what? Put her back in the same nursing home that she came from? I can tell you from experience, they DO NOT adjust easily to changing residences (or any other change, for that matter). She will "fit in" in about a month and a half.

Read the book; The 36 Hour Day, A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer's Disease, Other Dementias and Memory Loss, by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins. Your hair will stand on end! I'm telling you, there's a big difference changing the diaper of a 1 year old and changing the diaper of an 80 year old who is screaming obsenitites at you in the bathroom as you're trying to clean her up. THIS will be your life. Is this what you want your toddler to see?

Last thought; Do NOT go against your husband's wishes. What if he won't help you? You WILL regret it. This time, he is right. He is considering the impact on his family and has found it to be too stressful. Smart man! DON'T sacrifice your little family's lives for an old woman who will adjust to the nursing home in time. You did the right thing by placing her there. You're a good granddaughter. God bless you for caring and stepping in for your (sick) folks.

Talk to the facility to limit her phone calls to you to a couple of times daily. If not possible, turn your phone on silent or block her for the hours you would be doing other things. Dementia victims WILL manipulate you to get what they want.

I believe your thinking is motivated by guilt for placing her there. Your child is too young to manipulate you yet but kids play that game too. If she begs hard enough and long enough, you'll cave and give her what she wants. You've got to be the adult and stand your ground (with grandma and later, son) when you don't believe what they want is in their best interest (moving in with you or a big candy bar). Life's hard and sometimes you have to be the "bad guy" who says "no". Hang in there.

Dementia only gets worse. While it is amazing that you love Grandma so much and want to care for her, you need to understand fully what that will entail.

You can never leave her alone... Never. My husband and I care for my mom with Alzheimer's. He and I made this choice together and we take care of her together. Earlier on, I could do most of it alone but as she progressed, I needed more and more of his assistance. She went through many stages along the way...some nice, others quite challenging.

She is now at stage 7. My husband and I rarely go out together...but we do spend lots of time together at home. We have to take turns going to weddings, bday parties, etc. One of us goes, one stays with mom. Mom is cannot walk anymore, actually she can't even sit up without support. She is a dead lift to get her from her bed to wheelchair to recliner. She is double incontinent, so we have to change her every 2-3 hours. To prevent bedsores, she has to have her position changed every 2 hours. She can not control her hands so we hand feed her and give her drinks. Her legs are contracting, stay bent, so it makes moving her even more challenging. She has a delayed swallow so we have to carefully watch her as she eats and drinks so she doesn't choke. My mom sits and rambles verbally all day... It sounds like she is yelling at you but I think she is just working so hard to try to tell us something. It breaks my heart. 

Full-time caregiving is extremely time consuming. I would not change my decision to care for my mom but do not think it is doable for all people. I certainly would not have done this without the total support of my husband. Read up about what all is involved and only make a decision that both of you are ready to support.

All good reasons not to take her in. You cannot watch a toddler and a person with Dementia. It's like having two toddlers. Leave grandmom where she is and if she has a phone take it away. If her short-term is so bad I am surprised she remembers how to use it. If the staff is allowing these calls, then you need to stop it. Tell them u work from home and have a toddler. They probably will appreciate it. Your husband and child are ur most important thing as is ur marriage. GM will only get worse.

It is so great you have compassionate concern for your grandmother. One of my great regrets, decades later, is that I didn't visit my own grandmother more often in the nursing home.

I urge you to act on your compassion, but in a way that is best for everyone. Visit her often. Bring her or send her little gifts. Bring your baby for her to see, if she would like that. Be her advocate (if your parents or someone else is not already playing that role). If she seems so anxious she is calling 40 times a day, talk to the director of nursing about what can be done to help the anxiety. Also block her calls, to protect yourself, but try to help grandma, too.

If you can visit at a time some activity is going on, perhaps she will do it with you, and then maybe do it next time when you are not there.

There are many things you can do to improve your grandmother's life where she is. I wish I had known that and and acted on it for my own grandmother.

Your husband`s right, it is great to see family willing to pay the price and sacrifice, but decisions have to be made on a realistic level, for many reasons. The toll of handling a memory care patient is high, and it can create a ton of issues for your own family.

My mother in law lives next door to us. She moved in 5 years ago when my father in law passed away. She has dementia. He was her caregiver. My oldest was a freshman in college, my middle son (who has autism) was a freshman in high school, and my youngest was in 7th grade. Please consider your husband's point of view. My mil had to live in our house for three months. We were supposed to be switching on and off with my brother in law who lives 20 minutes away but his wife had two little ones and it was too much for her. My son has had an awful adjustment period and to this day, he goes to his room when my mil comes for dinner every other night. My husband is trying to take care of her house and our house by himself. He is literally split between two houses. Once he was supposed to take my daughter driving and could not because he had to do something with his MIL and my daughter said, "It's ok Mom. Dad checked out on us long ago. When Grandma moved up here." She now can no longer bathe herself and we have caregivers through the week but on the weekend, I do it. We have had police to our house because she wandered into my neighbor's yard and picked his flowers. He has accused her of taking his mail. She walks into our house all of the time because she is lost. We have had to add extra caregivers' time. It is really hard. You have a one year old. Your responsibility is to your husband and child. If I had to do it over again, I would never have agreed to this.
Plus as I understand, people with dementia can grow mean. I am fortunate that my mil has remained her same old sweet self. However, I have changed. I used to adore her and now I just consider her an extra chore. That is an awful way to feel but I cannot help it. I have lost privacy, freedom, and the ability to relax. It is very stressful.

There's a firm and loud consensus here. NO. PERIOD.
Very thoughtful of you to think about caring for your grandmother, but we can promise you that in time you will never regret keeping her in a community that can best meet her needs. Do not sacrifice your immediate family's we'll being to this insidious desease.

If your grandmother was of sound mind, she would be the first to tell you your first responsibility is to your child and husband. Do not burden your family with her when there is a safer alternative for her.

I have never, ever witnessed one example where moving an elderly relative into the home worked out OK. Ever.

Thinking while in the time of trouble is very difficult. Your husband may be the best advisor you have. How long can you tolerate the times she would be asking you questions, how will the one year old son understand the mothering he needs? I could go on - don't forget your son. He needs a real mother that will be able to help him grow up and be a great husband like you say you have. Think twice and make an informed decision before taking on even more is my advice. My wife is in Assistance In Living because she has Vascular Dementia and it gives me the opportunity to be the care partner and not the caregiver. Staff really appreciates what I do and it gives me time to live.

Danielle,
You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I agree with most of them that taking your grandmother in is something you would regret. You sound like you have a great big heart. Who wouldn't want that in a granddaughter? But your husband is correct on this. It would be a lot of work. You have your child and husband and personal "sanity" (!) to consider. Not only that, your grandmother will be safer if she has the 24/7 care she probably needs. If she is calling you at all hours, that is a big sign that she needs an even higher level of care than she is getting now. My mother (mild dementia and physical problems) needed to exit a rehab facility and go into assisted living. It was a hard situation, as she was resistant and wanted to go home (couldn't). I briefly considered taking her in to our home with my husband and myself, but knew she would be in a better situation in an ALF. We are senior citizens ourselves and were both working. Mom is very social and needed people around her, plus she needs daily care and attention. Also, she and I always got along like oil and water, and it's an understatement to say I was not her favorite person at that stressful point! My husband was adamant against her coming to live with us. Weighing everything, an ALF seemed like the best consideration. It took a while to get the finances straight, but we managed with the help of a good elder care attorney and the state Office for the Aging to apply for Medicaid, etc. Mom is in a place she really likes, she has "friends" around her, and overall her care is good. I can sleep at night knowing this, and I see her twice a week to make sure she is OK and has what she needs. It was a much better decision. Mom and I have a much closer relationship now, which is great. Consider everything, have her assessed by professionals, and remember you first need to be there for yourself, your child, and your husband.

You work part time and have a young child. It sounds cold but you think you can handle her but the elderly are sometime a full time job. And having a stranger aka Caregiver in your home is also a stressful situation. I had one come in and she was very nice but later on after a year she started asking us for loans. It was very awkward. You never know who you are getting even going thru an agency. Moving someone takes time to let them get to know the place. And ask at the nursing home for help or resources. Also check out other places in the event you end up not liking this place you put her in.. Good Luck

I’m at the other end of the age spectrum from you. I’m 69 and my Mom has lived with us for the past 9 years. The hardest part for me is being tethered to the house. No spontaneity allowed. Imagine if you just want to take your baby to the park. Sorry! Can’t leave Grandma alone for that time and she may either not want to go along or be unable to. It would be impossible to push both a wheelchair and a stroller, when she gets to a point of not being able to walk far. Supposed you and your husband want to have a night out. No longer as easy as calling a teenager to babysit. The teenagers’ Moms are often not willing to have their child risk caring for someone elderly because “what if they die while she/he is there”? Even if that’s not realistic, it’s a concern that they fear will traumatize their teen. And if it IS realistic, so much the more concerned. What if your family wants to take a vacation? The cost of getting a caregiver in or of putting her temporarily in AL or NH while you’re gone is exorbitant? Does your budget allow that? And finally, while dementia is a terminal illness, it tends to be a long and drawn-out progression - one book calls it “The Long Goodbye”. We’re talking REALLY LONG!! Imagine your baby growing up from age 1 to age 15. You now have a teenager and you can’t attend his events or go shopping with her because you have to be on hand for Grandma. Or what if you want to have additional children? Where will you find the time and energy for another baby, a toddler, AND a grandma who is, for all intents and purposes, a baby who will not be growing up, but rather becoming more and more infantile. For me, it is time to put Mom in a NH and I am procrastinating due to guilt. Had I left her in AL, even though sisters and nieces weren’t visiting her and I grieved over her loneliness - she would have adapted. Now I grieve instead over my own lack of freedom. I grieve over the retirement years that I am spending taking care of a big and helpless baby adult instead of traveling with my lovely husband. Certainly, I could not have done this without my husband’s full support and he has been wonderful. When I think of trying to do it in the same household with someone who is vehemently opposed to her being there — well, that would define a life of misery, heartbreak, and ongoing conflict. Such a very hard decision, but do imagine yourself into the future — not with a romantic notion of taking care of Grandma, but rather with real details of the enormous limitations you are placing on yourself and your family. You can commit to visiting her and being good to her without committing to letting her disease take over your life. Above all, don’t make an emotional decision! Make a logical and well-considered one. Your husband is not “the bad guy”. He is protecting his family from losing what he dreams of for you all. You chose him and you chose your child. Grandma did not choose this disease for herself. She is lucky to have your love. I hope you won’t decide she needs to steal your life as well — because that IS what this disease does - it steals the life of the caregiver while the one being cared for is oblivious to that fact.

I would seek a free support group in your area to deal with the guilt. Keep your life for your child(ren).

If you were to do this and I STRONGLY urge you not to but these are a few things that you need to think about.
1. Does the basement have an easy way to get out of it? If it is a window egress she will probably not be able to climb the small ladder that is supposed to be used.
2.Is it easy for her to get into and out of the basement now? She will begin to have problems with stairs so you will probably have to install one of the motorized chair lifts.
3. Is there a bathroom in the basement? If so is it large enough for a walker and later a wheelchair? Is there a shower that does not have a step to go over to get into it? Trying to step over even a 1 to 2 inch edge when your balance is not great or when you are wet and the floor is slippery is dangerous.
4. Is there carpet in the basement? If so that poses a trip hazard and it is not easy to push a walker over carpet.
5. The lighting will have to be improved. As she begins to "sundown" lighting is important as well as just having poor vision. And with many forms of dementia lighting is important to help discern floors from walls and to tell where thresholds are.
6. Social Security check will not be enough to provide caregiver 24/7 when it is necessary. So I am guessing you will take up the slack. And probably at night. You have a young child and you need your sleep, in 8 months, 9, or 24 you will be up at all hours tending to the needs of your Grandmother. (And probably doing an extra1 or 2 full loads of laundry every day just for your Grandmother) If you were to have asked her 10 years ago would she want you to be putting her before your family and children I am sure she would have said no.

These are just a few minor things that you will have to consider.
One of the important things is how this will effect your marriage. You also have a young child to consider.
This is a full time job you are considering and not just a "9 to 5" job but a 24/7 job.

If all she has is Social Security help apply for Medicaid, you can do this with the help of the Social Worker at the Nursing Home she is in now. They need to know that although you would love to take her in you can not possibly do it at this point in your life.
Look for a facility that will take her.
You can be a loving Granddaughter and not the tired, sometimes angry caregiver.
Your heart is in the right place.
In your head I am sure you know that this idea is full of pitfalls.
Let your head rule over your heart.

And as strange as this sounds use this as a starting pint to talk to your Husband about your future and his. Play the "what if" game. Would you want your daughter to have to care for you if she has a young family? Would you want your husband to spend 24/7 caring for you? Would he want you doing the same for him?
Look into Long Term Care insurance.

Don't do this!! Grandmom is safer where she is. Having
Her in your home will cause nothing but chaos, resentment
and endanger your other relationships. You will be
tied down..she will regress as your child gains more
Skills. Visit often. Work with the staff and please, don't
feel quilty. You are to be commended for being her advocate. Good luck!

What is your value system? Do you believe it's better for family to take care of your grandmother vs an institution?

I ask this because I was brought up to believe that family always cares for family and that placing a family member in an institution is just "wrong". So...... as my parents aged I moved half way across the country to be near them and care for them. I intended to stay a couple of years; it ended up being 20 years. After they passed, I moved back to the area I loved, but had lost contact with most of my friends.

Lessons I learned: (1) First and foremost it was the right thing to do and I would do it again, but that's because it was my value system. (2) It was HARD. (3) All my free time and energy were focused on my parents. (4) I was able to work, but only part time and I did not have the emotional energy to put into making new friends because of my commitment to family.

Being primary caregiver/caretaker is one of the hardest things people do. It is even harder when dementia is involved. For me, it was a tremendous sacrifice and unless you and your family are totally committed don't take this on.

It's a good idea to listen to any concerned individuals within your household. If anyone in the household feels that this shouldn't happen for some reason that concerns them then you probably shouldn't do it

Where's daniellej? It's been 4 days.

Please don't do it. It is a lot of work, you already have a toddler in your home. She is only going to get worse, leave her where she is and visit her

Ten or fifteen years ago(when your grandmother was more cognitive thinking) would she want you to put your one year old child's care at the bottom of the totem pole? Or would she want you to do your best in raising that child to be a well adjusted and caring person? Doing that, putting the child's needs first, is what most grandparents would tell you to do. I am assuming that she played a part in your upbringing. It is most unfortunate that her condition and your young son's needs coincide at the same time. That is the individual circumstance which separates your life from other caregiver's life. Moving a dementia patient often causes more harm than good. In my own case, that pushed my husband's dementia further ahead. But as I am in a wheelchair it became unavoidable for both of us. So I made that decision. I do have some mild regrets, but time is helping me adjust. Time, and your husband and child, will also be there to help you as she progresses downward even more. Best wishes.

Please avoid this. It will end up being the most wrong decision. The elder will age. That is a certain.