We just placed my father into an assisted living facility. He is being promiscuous with another resident. How can I get him to stop?
My Dad has lived a well respected life and is very well off financially, so we placed him in the best home available. He has dementia and I could no longer care for him daily.
He has been in assisted living fir 3 weeks and my Sister and I received a call that he had started a romance with another dementia resident.
They caught them in bed together and had to inform both families.
I know if I speak to him, he'll forget the whole conversation an hour later. He still asks daily when he is coming home.
The resident nurse is saying if this behavior continues they'll have to remove him from the campus.
What can I say to him, that he will remember, that will drive home the fact that if he doesn't stop his promiscuous behavior, we will have to find another, much worse, place for him?
I'm besides myself as this has been a year journey to get him onto the best care.
Thsnks for listening.
Dylan
When the shock wears off.. check in again with staff. Strong attachments can form between residents, opposite or same sex. Romantically minded or platonic. Concent is a moving target though... Staff have to be on their toes to ensure any intimacy IS consential, that day, that time.
When volunteering in a medium level care home, I saw a sweet couple. Would watch old movies together in the afternoons, holding hands on the sofa. I asked staff how long they had been married. Staff informed me both their actual spouses lived 'outside' & these love birds got together in the care home! Both spouses came to accept this, still visited but staff had to 'socially engineer' things to ensure paths didn't cross.
See what this is. A one-off. A new romance that both agree to. Maybe it was a man-crazed lady who took a liking to him. But if he is harrassing all the ladies, a visit to the Doctor to discuss medication is often suggested.
Please remember, with dementia the brain is broken. Like you said, your Dad won't remember your conversation with him on that subject, or any subject.
Tell the facility that you don’t care to be involved with your dads sex life unless they have evidence it is nonconsensual.
My daughter had two residents that thought they were married and you could not separate them. Each had a spouse who visited. She even walked in on a couple having hanky panky and walked out.
This post will start a string of replies one being why do they not separate the men from the women. Good question. Another they have Dementia they can't consent. True. But it does happen and the facility should know how to handle it.
You say this is ALF. It may be that memory care is needed for one of them?
This is a medical issue if your father is suffering from dementia. There can be hyperactivity of a sexual nature for many patients. Medication can help.
The facility itself has some responsibility when this is memory care, to know what is happening. And I am assuming that they "know" that the "lady friend" is not the one initiating this activity.
There are many facilities where couple become convinced they are spouses while visiting REAL spouses are relegated to "That nice person who comes see me". This isn't unusual. I would speak with admins about what they have done in similar circumstances to keep things safe.
You don't tell us a whole lot about the mental capacity of your dad or his lady friend. I must tell you that my son in law's mom is in ALF and has recently "moved in with" her boyfriend there. This is in AZ. The couple has traveled together, and been great companions for some few years, and they have decided they can cut costs by sharing a one bedroom place. No one is demanding a marriage certificate.
It is not OK for demented people locked in facilities that have no memory of the last day or hour to be allowed to have sex. It is plain wrong.
He was dressed this time and called me into the bedroom trying to get touchy feely. I left him alone to go make a phone call to the office. I was told to leave. He looked sad, and I sort of felt sorry for him, but I didn't know how far he would have taken his advances. You can't just smack a client, so I had to excuse myself carefully. I felt dirty and violated. The agency tried to give me another client they couldn't keep staffed, and I was like no way! All it takes is one time for something like this to happen to me and I refused to go back to work for them. If they couldn't protect their home health aides in these types of situations, why should I work for them.
I've never experienced anything like this before. I had all elderly people back in the eighties, but nothing to this extreme. When I got back to the office, I found out that I was the third aide he did this to. I told the manager do not send anymore women into that household! Yes, he needed help and that they needed to send a male aide instead of a female. Even though this man was early dementia, he still had enough cognition to recognize that he was wrong.
Unfortunately, this type of scenario goes on in nursing homes and even though they refer to it as consensual between two residents, I have a problem with this. Dementia clients and elderly people are there to be helped in these places. However, sexual encounters do happen in these places, and I was taught in training if someone is enjoying a bit of intimacy to close the door if they were both enjoying the encounter.
However, this is not consensual if it involves two residents that are in cognitive decline. Hypersexuality is a symptom of this illness.
There is a particuar type of dementia (FTL I think?) that can bring hyersexual behaviour.
There was a man (in his 60s) recently admitted to MC (where I volunteered). Meds were still being trialled. Management seemed to have a good plan in place. Suprvision in the day room & checked on regularily when in his own room. No resident or staff memeber ever to be left alone with him. Two staff to attend to him at all times. Maybe even three when showering.
Your local Dementia Organisation may have something? Be good to see what the ethical standards are where you live.
I found a couple of good references for sexual concert matters with dementia from UK & Australia. I'd guess these may be more influenced by Europe, as Netherlands & other countries are leading the way with dementia-friendly communities & dementia care.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/sex-consent-dementia
"The most important part of sex and intimacy is consent. A diagnosis of dementia does not mean that someone automatically lacks the ability to consent to sex and intimacy. However, they may have the mental capacity to engage in sex at some times, and lack it at others. Both partners must consent to sexual activity".
https://www.verywellhealth.com/should-people-with-dementia-have-sex-4156679
This sites covers ethical considerations.
Certainly it is an important issue.
I support freedom & human rights. Sexual needs are part of our basic needs - but safety from sexual abuse needs to be taken very very seriously.
LOL that is the stupidest thing I have read in a long time. How will they know if the demented person is consenting each and every time? If a person is so demented that they can't legally sign a document or remember things then they are too demented to consent to sex. Hypersexuality does not mean consent. It just means they can't control their primal impulses.
This has nothing to do with human rights or freedom. It has to do with making sure no one with dementia is RAPED because they couldn't say no or they can't remember having sex or even consenting to sex.
I would ask the facility if they have seen courtship behavior. Do they eat together? Go to activities together? If so, let them be.
Is it against the rules?
His girlfriend will have to be moved to a different area or he will have to be. Or he'll have to be medicated to supress any sexual urges. Or he's past the care AL provides and now needs to be in memory care.
There's really nothing you can say to him about it. Move him to memory care if he needs that level of care and make something up about why he's leaving the AL. Tell him that they're closing and all the resident have to move.
Care facilities don't like to have difficult residents that require supervising and watching. When they have them, pressure is put on their family to place them elsewhere.
They are incapable of reasoning and aren't anchored in reality. They cannot give sexual consent.
You are correct...talking to your father will not work because of the dementia. Talk with is doctor instead.
I'm not sure why the care facility does not allow this.
Perhaps you can find another assisted living where residents are free to live their lives and socialize and even begin romantic relationships with whomever they choose.
If his (or his romantic partner's) dementia is to a point where they are not able to make reasonable decisions, this would indeed be inappropriate behavior and could be considered sexual harrassment.
As Freqflyer pointed out, perhaps Dad belongs in a Memory Care facility.
Have you reached out or spoke with the family of the other person involved in the affair? Unfortunately it is part of the disease, their inhibitions goes out the window, I had the same situation with my father as you are going through. I asked the director to reach out to the family to arrange a call with me. The family did contact me and we agreed there was no harm no foul.
In theory if the other family agrees that it is OK and you are OK with it; there are no problems and the AL should not interfere; if consentual among the 2 families and the other resident.
Keep it in mind that once they move into memory care more of their inhibitions might go away as well. It is not uncommon to see residents strolling around the hallways unclothed, with staff chasing them down to get them dressed again, I have seen it many times in very reputable and well managed memory care facilities.
From being the sole guardian/conservator for my father this past 5 years now I can tell you, it has been a learning experience and an emotional roller coaster not for the faint at heart.
Best wishes
Things like this are one reason why STD's can spread through long-term care centers.
Your father needs Memory care. ALs are not set up to "watch" residents. I am surprised Dad was excepted. They assist. They are not babysitters. Some people in ALs have cars. Its like living in an apt but someone there to help when you need it. Ex: you can get a shower by yourself, but u need some help getting in without falling. I know a woman who was living in the AL because of her husband. He passed, she chose to stay.
I agree with Burnt, those with Dementia cannot make a decision to say yes or no. I am very aware it happens but where do u draw the line. Maybe the woman did not consent just is in shock. Personally, the only old man I want touching me is my DH. My Mom did not like men once Dementia set in so I am sure she would never have consented.
We call "independent living facilities" where residents don't run, can completely take care of themselves and yes, even some have dementia but early onset. The idea is to get them as used to the facility as they can be so that it becomes home. My mom who has Alzheimers, lived in IL for a year before getting covid, which caused her to cave so she had to go straight to MC. I think if she hadn't gotten Covid she wouldn't have had such a drastic decline because she was doing really well in IL.
If he is "forcing" himself that is a different story.
If the two are "companions" and acting as a couple I do not see a problem. (more on that later)
I realize both have dementia so "consent" is sort of out of the picture but you can tell if advances are forced or unwelcome. If that is the case then I can see where they would ask one or the other to leave, or if there is another MC wing a move to there would be an option.
Now is dad actually having intimate relations? If so next Dr appointment as embarrassing as it might seem ask that he be tested for STD's.
As humans we all crave a touch, a hug, an embrace. It is nice to be able to have the comfort of another person. Unfortunately many elders are missing that even from family caregivers we stop touching in a kind gentle way, we touch as a means to get a job done, a soiled brief, a bath, getting someone dressed. We don't touch a shoulder, we don't rub a back.