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I personally don’t like diaper. We’re having a hard enough time encouraging my dad now that the bladder accidents are near constant. Underwear seems sufficient, we all know there’s more to it
I'd better explain. We have a tv advertising campaign running for Tena. I expect you know that Tena Lady is a sub-brand of Tena. The woman doing the voiceover, though, evidently doesn't know that because she stresses the wrong words in her script, so that what should be "Tena Lady pants" comes out as "Tena ladypants." It drives me nuts every time and the campaign's been going for weeks :(
You probably also need to know that in UK dialect pants is short for underpants, as in underwear.
I probably wouldn't use "baby" words with adults. example: diapers, but then again some of the incontinent products are just large diapers.
Disrespect comes in the tone of voice and your intent. Do you intend to inflict pain or the very least a wince? If NOT, then stick to words you know will not offend.
My mom used to call one grandfather "You old fart." You could hear the joking tone in her voice and he would laugh for 5 minutes. No one would call my other grandfather an old fart, though we would joke about everything, even aging and all that farting that goes along with it.
Would the caregiver or patient take offense at the "baby" part? Many would. Some wouldn't. So to be safe, consider another word.
Some are very concerned about references to aging when they are 35. Some just don't care what words you use when they get past 70.
But the older we get, the more we might command a little respect for what we have come through, and a thoughtful joke or two to bring a little laugh onto the bleak landscape would be appreciated by most.
I think one of the best ways to SHOW your respect to your elders is to ask them questions about their life, what it was like going to school, buying groceries, dating, etc. (not all at the same time) and then really listening to their stories. No, you are not allowed to roll your eyes when they wax poetic about trudging 10 miles through the snowdrifts to get to school.
re: babysitter--companion is good. So would friend, daughter, neighbor, human. So you say something like, "Mom had to go get her toenails done. So I jumped at the chance to have you all to myself!! Do you remember when we . . . "(You might even pull out a picture or two of the event, or the things needed to play the game you're talking about,) Take a selfie and share it with the family, especially if you're not a relative.
Just think about being kind and the right words will come.
Dinosaur is definitely one too avoid, don't joke their ancient, even if they have dementia never say their senile in front of them ,if you can smell or see they had an accident help them wash up don't ask if they have indeed had an accident its humiliating enough for them having one they shouldn't have to discuss it with you. If they have memory problems don't ask them if they REMEMBERED too take their meds you be responsible and give them too them its also humiliating. If you have kids don't tell them stuff you don't want the elder family member too hear ,kids will tell them or ask them you can be guaranteed of that. Don't treat them like children let them be stand back and be ready too help and support them don't boss them around alot.
Sometimes it isn't the word so much as the way you say it, I recently posted a rant on my dislike of elderspeak (the equivalent of baby talk). You know - that high pitched, extra cheerful, dumbed down way of talking.
this isn't a word. but I see a lot of ladies wearing bibs during meals. and I think its great that they don't care how it looks. they are protecting their clothes.
my mom on the other hand wouldn't be caught dead with a bib.(I haven't asked her but I know my mom) but she constantly spills on her shirt and pants at the table (AL)
In a seafood place it's probably okay to refer to this as a lobster bib, as people of all ages would wear it. It's rather an extra display of hospitality as opposed to being demeaning.
I know there is a lot of squeamishness around toileting and genitalia but I don't think we need to revert to baby talk - going potty instead of to the bathroom, referring to a man's "pee pee", etc. There are perfectly acceptable words that adults should use, and just like you and I the topic shouldn't need to be discussed in public or when there is company.
Although not quite related, this reminds me of something I read a few years ago that I think will merit a laugh or two: A young mother involved with toilet-training her small children answered a telephone call from her husband's boss one morning, but her husband couldn't come to the phone at the moment. The wife inadvertently told the boss that her husband was "on the potty" right now!
Even in the throes of dementia, my mother resented being called “honey”, “sweetie” or even “dear” by the staff. Everyone knew her name. I would have preferred they call her “Mrs. B—-“ instead of by her first name but that didn’t seem to bother her.
“Diapers”—I agree with that. It’s taught in classes to call them underwear. We were told by a registered nurse to not call them diapers to the person’s face. We had a post here once where the poster said they actually called them “Pampers” to their mom’s face! I would have smacked my daughter if she did that.
“Babysitting” or “Babysitter” Agree there, too. Even to say “So and so is coming over to watch you.” Watch me what?
You know there are a lot of younger women who resent the "dear", "honey", "sugar", but I, at the throes of soon turning an OLD 65 :), absolutely love that terminology. It's part of the southern hospitality culture, and I love it, just as much as sweet tea, cornbread and biscuits, and moon pies! But of course, there is an endearing way to say it, and the you-get-my-drift "Sugar" way of saying it!
What I personally do not care for is the dialect of old, senior, elderly ..... apparently turning 65 qualifies for all of that. I think there need to be differentiations but then, I myself can't think of when "old" begins. When I was 23, I remember thinking a fellow nurse of 28 was old... seriously! And especially the "30's". And as I do get older, "old" seems to be further and further down the road! My mom is 93, but she is a "young" 93.
I agree with everyone who said that it is more in the tone and manner of speaking rather than the actual words.
The old lady, grandma, the old man, grandpa, (when not related to you or used as a term of endearment). I feel that caregivers talking "about" them (not in their presence) in a negative manner exercises a form of disrespect that will spill over when in the presence of the client. That disrespect explains why the caregiver may be phoney and sickenly sweet in their presence, imo.
In agreement to use their names, last names preferred, Mrs. B. Mr. C, etc.
A nurse in my dad's NH used the term diaper in from of him and me one day. I was shocked as these are disposable pull up underwear. I made it very clear to the head nurse they shouldn’t be using that term and she agreed and said they knew better and would talk to staff. It really upset me!
Yes, they are taught in class to NEVER call them “diapers”. They all get that training, from the Registered Nurses to the STNA and CNA. Even the maintenance personnel and administrative staff don’t call then diapers.
This was a great question, thanks for posting it! And, thanks for all the great replies.
A side note...I don’t know how I’d manage without this website and all of you. Being able to come here to post and read y’all’s comments has helped me “deal with” being a care provider. Again, thanks...lots!
Agree. It was this site that gave me, a 70 yr old only child who lived 400 miles away, the reasoning and courage to move my mom to a memory care community in my city despite her denial, anger and confusion.
When I lived in the South as a middle-aged adult, young people called me Miz Julie. This felt both respectful and a term of endearment. I think young health care workers and other service providers should use the formal Mrs. Parker unless and until they are invited to use first names. This establishes an environment of mutual respect.
It sets my teeth on edge when the gum-cracking 20-year-old receptionist calls me Hon or Dear. Words matter.
Once in a local ER here in Akron, Ohio, a male nurse persisted in snapping and crackling his gum in my husband’s and my face. He called my (much older than him) hubby “dude” and called me “hon”.
A person with dementia/Alzheimer's is not demented. They have cognitive impairments or cog disabilities. A bib should be clothing protector Diapers are briefs, or underwear or garment. Babysitter should be helper. Companion is very good too of course Patients are clients or residents.
It is annoying, and yes, words DO matter, but how much? I am more concerned with meds being given on time, care taken when feeding the person, cleanliness, etc. I am not bothered with how I am addressed. There are sharks in the ocean; why worry about a flounder?
I think maybe the idea here is that the “casual familiarity” of a staff just might lead to too much casualness in other areas as well. Just my humble opinion.
So glad to know that "honey/sweetie/dearie" offends other people, too! All part of the process that robs seniors of their individuality and assumes it's OK to treat them like babies. Much prefer "ma'am" for general social encounters, or the person's actual name if there's any kind of relationship. I like the other poster's suggestion of "Miz xx": kind of combines warm familiarity with respect.
Here in the South, most of the nursing home residents where my parents live are addressed as Mr. or Miss with the first name. This is typical of how younger people address all people older than they who are friends of the family. I notice the staff also will call the women “Mama”. My mother doesn’t seem to mind as it is usually accompanied by a hug. I know there are some residents that they address more formally.
I noticed in my mom’s facility that the aides would often call the Senior residents “Mommy”. That-kind of confused my mom because she thought the person actually WAS the aide’s mom! 😊
When I speak to my grandsons about an elder, it’s always “Miss —-“ or “Mr.—-“ with their first names. I think that’s a fine way to show respect but not be too painfully formal.
I'm with you on "young lady". Once I told a new hairdresser my age and then she started called me young lady. She coloured my hair nicely, but then put in all sorts of curls with the curling iron - all over my head.. I couldn't wait to get out of there and comb then out. I didn't go back. Combed out the style was fine, but!!!!
I get what you mean about sometimes calling someone dear or love etc because they can't remember their names, but I've noticed that those with dementia will grin when the aides admit they have forgotten, I think it makes their memory problems feel less peculiar.
At both of mom's nursing homes staff will call people Mr/Mrs/Miss last name until given permission to use first names, either by the resident themselves or their family if the resident can't speak for themselves.
Wow. Interesting thread. I live in the South, and though I find it really annoying to hear "darlin', sugar. honey and sweetie..." it's just a "Southern" thing I guess.
My Dad calls the staff "doll" -- he's a product of his era, I guess.
However, I agree with the whole baby talk thing (although we lovingly refer to his... member as a Johnson -- that's better than his other sailor friendly references).
I don't like the term "bib" or "diaper" or the condescending high pitched tone, but I say nothing. Dad likes his "soft underwear" and "shirt cover".
Dad responds to "air" instead of oxygen, and just because he can't hear... don't yell and enunciate words ad nauseum. It's so condescending...
I agree with almost everyone's pet peeves. I must admit once after a visit with my grand baby I was trying to get my mom to let me change her and said "Mom you have poopy pants". Luckily she laughed and when Dad came in to check on her and asked what she was doing she started laughing again and said she was getting her poopy pants changed. I was more embarrassed because I said it than she was. Thank goodness!
When I had to get a treatment for a back problem the doc kept calling me darling. I had the biggest urge to call him sweetheart each time he did. Darling is definitely on my list for what not to say!
i love the answers and opinions in this thread. I am 68 years old, am in good shape. I was walking in the parking lot at Wal-Mart, and some 29-something woman was in her truck backing out of a parking space opposite me. She said, “Move your old lady ass out of my way.” Nice.
Hhahaha! Doncha love it! I think I'd slowly limp over, holding on to her truck for support and say, "I'm sorry, if you were talking to me, I didn't hear you very well, sweetie. Could you repeat that?"
OMG...what century is that Doctor living? Tell his nurse that you would appreciate it if she/he would make sure that the clip board...in large letters...you prefer NOT to be called Darling. Give the nurse a nickname you don't mind being called. Do this for each and every appointment until he just starts calling by the nickname or your name It's the Pavlov dogs effect.
Age appropriate words? What words or how did you answer questions when your child asked where babies come from?
My Mother, when I was in kindergarten when she was pregnant with my Lil Brother, told me that God places a seed inside the Mommy and Daddy waters the seed. Me...oh, it's good God puts the seed inside the Mommy so the birds don't eat it. I remember that discussion like it was yesterday! Our daughter...Mom, did your tummy split open when I was born? She was 8n the 1st grade. Me: no, my stomach did not split open. God give Mommies a special hole for babies only to come out when it's time for the baby to be born. Her: Oh, that's good Accepted answer. She did become very interested with the human body, so we let her watch a series on PBS about how the human body works....even the episodes about reproduction (my dad was the one who got all upset over that!).
Our daughter became an RN which she absolutely loves and has been for 13 yrs now. She became so interested with the human body she wanted to watch daddy gut the fish he caught! She even thought about becoming a Mortician, but way too much chemistry. She even asked the Mortician all kinds of questions, helped pick out her grandfather's casket when she was in 5th grade. My husband is Jewish so when we had the viewing she noticed grandpa had a cut on his face from shaving. The Mortician explained how grandpa's body must be cleaned because he's Jewish. Great! She thought that was cool.
You must decide how mature your child is to understand. If you feel he/she is able to understand that Grandma is just like a baby now. She can't get to the bathroom in time now, so she has to wear brown up diapers that look like pull ups you wore when you were little until you were able to wear big boy/big girl underwear.
Don't hide the truth, understand your child's ability to understand. You'll be surprised that you're the one who may be holding their understanding/knowledge back because your're not comfortable with your child growing up and wanting to know more about the world. You will need to think outside of your 9 dots if your child doesn't understand when you try the 1st time.
The 1 that I like is the bathroom [literally] is called 'the spa' where mom is now - even better than 'the tub room'
Words shape our impression - if you go shopping with a child & promise a stop on way home for a treat .... is that a reward or a bribe? - depends on who is doing it - it is the same thing but 'reward' has a better feel than 'bribe' does - we drove 7 hours+ to our cottage several times a year so the kids were allowed once to ask 'how much longer' & first time when we stopped for our doughnut & 25 cents was deduced for each overage there after we could hear them negotiating between them who had used up their turn & who hadn't - so was that a 'reward' or 'bribe'? ... it doesn't matter it gave hubby & I some peace
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I'd better explain. We have a tv advertising campaign running for Tena. I expect you know that Tena Lady is a sub-brand of Tena. The woman doing the voiceover, though, evidently doesn't know that because she stresses the wrong words in her script, so that what should be "Tena Lady pants" comes out as "Tena ladypants." It drives me nuts every time and the campaign's been going for weeks :(
You probably also need to know that in UK dialect pants is short for underpants, as in underwear.
Hm. Or... how about "waterproofs"?
example: diapers, but then again some of the incontinent products are just large diapers.
Disrespect comes in the tone of voice and your intent. Do you intend to inflict pain or the very least a wince? If NOT, then stick to words you know will not offend.
My mom used to call one grandfather "You old fart." You could hear the joking tone in her voice and he would laugh for 5 minutes. No one would call my other grandfather an old fart, though we would joke about everything, even aging and all that farting that goes along with it.
Would the caregiver or patient take offense at the "baby" part? Many would. Some wouldn't. So to be safe, consider another word.
Some are very concerned about references to aging when they are 35. Some just don't care what words you use when they get past 70.
But the older we get, the more we might command a little respect for what we have come through, and a thoughtful joke or two to bring a little laugh onto the bleak landscape would be appreciated by most.
I think one of the best ways to SHOW your respect to your elders is to ask them questions about their life, what it was like going to school, buying groceries, dating, etc. (not all at the same time) and then really listening to their stories. No, you are not allowed to roll your eyes when they wax poetic about trudging 10 miles through the snowdrifts to get to school.
re: babysitter--companion is good. So would friend, daughter, neighbor, human.
So you say something like, "Mom had to go get her toenails done. So I jumped at the chance to have you all to myself!! Do you remember when we . . . "(You might even pull out a picture or two of the event, or the things needed to play the game you're talking about,) Take a selfie and share it with the family, especially if you're not a relative.
Just think about being kind and the right words will come.
my mom on the other hand wouldn't be caught dead with a bib.(I haven't asked her but I know my mom) but she constantly spills on her shirt and pants at the table (AL)
The residents just call them bibs 🙄 lol
so instead of bib. its a cover up!
these ladies have home made bibs, ?? like made out of pretty towels?
“Diapers”—I agree with that. It’s taught in classes to call them underwear. We were told by a registered nurse to not call them diapers to the person’s face. We had a post here once where the poster said they actually called them “Pampers” to their mom’s face! I would have smacked my daughter if she did that.
“Babysitting” or “Babysitter” Agree there, too. Even to say “So and so is coming over to watch you.” Watch me what?
What I personally do not care for is the dialect of old, senior, elderly ..... apparently turning 65 qualifies for all of that. I think there need to be differentiations but then, I myself can't think of when "old" begins. When I was 23, I remember thinking a fellow nurse of 28 was old... seriously! And especially the "30's". And as I do get older, "old" seems to be further and further down the road! My mom is 93, but she is a "young" 93.
I agree with everyone who said that it is more in the tone and manner of speaking rather than the actual words.
I feel that caregivers talking "about" them (not in their presence) in a negative manner exercises a form of disrespect that will spill over when in the presence of the client. That disrespect explains why the caregiver may be phoney and sickenly sweet in their presence, imo.
In agreement to use their names, last names preferred, Mrs. B. Mr. C, etc.
Bib- apron, covering, crumb catcher, shirt saver
ANY BABY OR CHILD TERM should NOT be used by ME or by PROFESSIONAL CARE GIVERS when caring for my ELDERLY LOVED ONE.
(forgive the rant please, All. I HATE when this happens because LANGUAGE and TERMS OF ADDRESS COUNT!)
A side note...I don’t know how I’d manage without this website and all of you. Being able to come here to post and read y’all’s comments has helped me “deal with” being a care provider. Again, thanks...lots!
It sets my teeth on edge when the gum-cracking 20-year-old receptionist calls me Hon or Dear. Words matter.
😡
A bib should be clothing protector
Diapers are briefs, or underwear or garment.
Babysitter should be helper. Companion is very good too of course
Patients are clients or residents.
When I speak to my grandsons about an elder, it’s always “Miss —-“ or “Mr.—-“ with their first names. I think that’s a fine way to show respect but not be too painfully formal.
young lady drives me up the wall. I feel patronized. Miss xxxx makes me feel the same. Although im comfortable with mrs/ms and my last name.
Just call me by my first name or look at me directly and dont call me any name.
Or maybe just call me cranky ???
unfortunately everybody's different. So its really difficult.
bibs ??? I use one at work at lunch since im so sloppy so i dont know what to call those except bibs.
So hard but remember ... SOMEONE will always be offended :(
At both of mom's nursing homes staff will call people Mr/Mrs/Miss last name until given permission to use first names, either by the resident themselves or their family if the resident can't speak for themselves.
My Dad calls the staff "doll" -- he's a product of his era, I guess.
However, I agree with the whole baby talk thing (although we lovingly refer to his... member as a Johnson -- that's better than his other sailor friendly references).
I don't like the term "bib" or "diaper" or the condescending high pitched tone, but I say nothing. Dad likes his "soft underwear" and "shirt cover".
Dad responds to "air" instead of oxygen, and just because he can't hear... don't yell and enunciate words ad nauseum. It's so condescending...
When I had to get a treatment for a back problem the doc kept calling me darling. I had the biggest urge to call him sweetheart each time he did. Darling is definitely on my list for what not to say!
Change your diaper<Let’s get some clean clothes for you.
She said, “Move your old lady ass out of my way.” Nice.
Tell his nurse that you would appreciate it if she/he would make sure that the clip board...in large letters...you prefer NOT to be called Darling. Give the nurse a nickname you don't mind being called.
Do this for each and every appointment until he just starts calling by the nickname or your name
It's the Pavlov dogs effect.
Age appropriate words? What words or how did you answer questions when your child asked where babies come from?
My Mother, when I was in kindergarten when she was pregnant with my Lil Brother, told me that God places a seed inside the Mommy and Daddy waters the seed.
Me...oh, it's good God puts the seed inside the Mommy so the birds don't eat it.
I remember that discussion like it was yesterday!
Our daughter...Mom, did your tummy split open when I was born? She was 8n the 1st grade.
Me: no, my stomach did not split open. God give Mommies a special hole for babies only to come out when it's time for the baby to be born.
Her: Oh, that's good
Accepted answer. She did become very interested with the human body, so we let her watch a series on PBS about how the human body works....even the episodes about reproduction (my dad was the one who got all upset over that!).
Our daughter became an RN which she absolutely loves and has been for 13 yrs now.
She became so interested with the human body she wanted to watch daddy gut the fish he caught! She even thought about becoming a Mortician, but way too much chemistry.
She even asked the Mortician all kinds of questions, helped pick out her grandfather's casket when she was in 5th grade.
My husband is Jewish so when we had the viewing she noticed grandpa had a cut on his face from shaving. The Mortician explained how grandpa's body must be cleaned because he's Jewish. Great! She thought that was cool.
You must decide how mature your child is to understand. If you feel he/she is able to understand that Grandma is just like a baby now. She can't get to the bathroom in time now, so she has to wear brown up diapers that look like pull ups you wore when you were little until you were able to wear big boy/big girl underwear.
Don't hide the truth, understand your child's ability to understand. You'll be surprised that you're the one who may be holding their understanding/knowledge back because your're not comfortable with your child growing up and wanting to know more about the world.
You will need to think outside of your 9 dots if your child doesn't understand when you try the 1st time.
You've made a lot excellent points about several stages of life. Thanks for the thought you put into this.
Words shape our impression - if you go shopping with a child & promise a stop on way home for a treat .... is that a reward or a bribe? - depends on who is doing it - it is the same thing but 'reward' has a better feel than 'bribe' does - we drove 7 hours+ to our cottage several times a year so the kids were allowed once to ask 'how much longer' & first time when we stopped for our doughnut & 25 cents was deduced for each overage there after we could hear them negotiating between them who had used up their turn & who hadn't - so was that a 'reward' or 'bribe'? ... it doesn't matter it gave hubby & I some peace