My sisters don’t understand that I am limited in the amount of time and effort I must be a caregiver. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and rheumatoid arthritis. An actual request from them. My sisters expected me to drive 1.5 hours to pick up my mom to drive her to an appointment that is 40 mins from my home. I would have had to drive 1.5 to parents, then 1 hour to and 1 hour from appt, and then 1.5 hours home. There is no extra bed for me at their house anymore. I feel like staying at my parents’ house creates more work for them, they lose privacy, feel like they are entertaining. They all live within 20 minutes of each other. I don’t clean my own house, how am I supposed to clean my parents'. My family have no idea how exhausted I am because they only see me for holidays when I feel ok. Anything I can do about dealing with their resentment?
No I can't drive to take mom to her appointment. No I can't clean moms house. No to whatever they ask.
Time to choose yourself. You deserve to be taken care if just as much as mom does. But you don't have to sacrifice and martyr yourself to care for mom to make your sisters happy.
If mom and your sisters aren't concerned about you and your health then that shows you the nature of their own characters.
Mom had her time and shot at life. Her time is running down. Mom should be looking out for the well being of her daughter instead of selfishly clinging to her life which is winding down.
Take care of you.
This is not as expensive as an in-home CNA. Homemaker/companions do not help with things like bathing, incontinence care, medications. They don't do hands-on.
Medicare will pay for homemaker/companion services if their doctor says they need it.
The doctor's appointments get scheduled during their homemaker/companion's shift. Doctor's offices understand this and will accommodate your parent's time needs.
I'm curious about one thing though. Why do you claim to feel okay during holidays?
You can imagine what a statement like that would make people thinks. Especially your siblings.
If I was one of your siblings and you said this to me as the reason for why you can't help with the parents' caregiving, I would tell you to suck it up and pretend it's Christmas because you'll feel better.
Say no when you mean no.
Say I can help with A.
But I can't help with X, Y, Z.
On repeat. Change what you can/can't do as your health dictates.
"But they are bitchy to me.."
So what? Really: SO WHAT!
You can't control them, their time, their words, attitudes, thoughts or feelings.
Don't let them control yours.
Unless someone has autoimmune diseases, they have no idea how debilitating they can be, especially Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. There are days you’re doing good just to get out of bed and get dressed. If you did what they are asking, it would take a solid week to recover. It is so not worth it.
Hopefully, they just didn’t have their brains engaged when they asked. If they live 20 minutes from your Mom’s house and can’t take her, maybe a friend can.
1) Find a way to make your own health problems and limitations more understandable to your family.
2) Have a meeting where you say clearly that you can’t manage their expectations and why. The move on to discussing different plans as follows.
3) Do they want to be paid for the extra work that they do? How can you all organise it?
4) Does mother (and you all) need to find in home carers to take some of the load? Or
5) Is mother’s care becoming too much for you all, and should you investigate appropriate facilities. If mother’s cancer is progressing quickly, that might include a hospice facility.
2. Communication obviously isn 't a strong point. I agree that a meeting would be great, but they wouldn't respond to my suggestion.
3. No one is being paid for the the extra work. The extra work is really dr appointments, cleaning, laundry, and projects that mom feels is necessary. (She decided to get rid of all of her old magazines.)
4. She is able to do all of her personal care, gardening, playing cards, etc. Mom and my sister interviewed a hospice service. They will be starting soon.
5. That is part of the hospice process but she wants to die at home.
“Sister #2 said she was at the house cleaning for 2.5 hours. I wanted to reply that I will have spent 3 hours in the car driving to and from my parents”. Why didn’t you say just that?
“I shouldn't have to prove to my sisters that I am ill”. Why not, if that’s the reason why they believe you don’t do your fair share?
“None of my sisters offered me a room”. Did you ask?
“I feel guilty staying at my parents home. There isn’t a bed and I feel like a guest at parents”. For pity’s sake, get a portable ‘bed’, and store it there. Many of us do the same when a parent dies at home – I did myself. Which will be worse? Feeling like a guest, or not being able to be there while your mother is dying of cancer?
And the first one: “My family have no idea how exhausted I am because they only see me for holidays when I feel ok”. Why are you so much better on holidays? Do you explain?
Posters on this site very very often write to an OP about taking steps to stick up for themself. One way is of course ignoring unpleasant unreasonable others. But that’s not the only way.
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