My younger sister is retired and takes care of my mother and I would love some suggestions what I can do for my sister and my mother since I live in another state. My mother pays for someone to come in at least 3 times a week to care for her. They live in New York State and the governor isn't allowing people from our state to visit unless we quarantine for 14 days, and we cannot afford to pay for a hotel that long. Thank you for any kind suggestions.
example, he might say that his friend mentioned or he read, etc. When he did, though, he would close with the the phrase, ". . . but you are the one with boots on the ground so do what you think is best." I also never had to answer to him as to why I did or didn't do something; but the decisions I advised him about were always supported as being the correct ones. He visited mom as often as he could and took over her while he was visiting. By that I mean that he sat, walked, talked and entertained her while I sat back and visited. Good luck and God Bless.
If we just jump in or assume, it might not be what works best for your sister and mother. All too often siblings don't ask. Some relatives or friends give you the old 'call me if you need anything', but never help out. You could even make a list from the suggestions here and run those by her. Gift cards for a nice restaurant (include enough to have it delivered.) Gift cards for the places they shop most. If items need to be ordered, offer to take over the ordering (should be set up for online order & payment, you just take over keeping track and placing the orders.) Gift cards for mom and sis to buy something nice for themselves. Ask if there's anything that needs to be researched and offer to do it.
The 'lending an ear' offer might be great too. My brothers not only don't, but get nasty when I tried to explain and discuss. They have no clue (mom is in a facility, but there is still a lot to take care of - YB's take is "they do everything"...No, they don't!)
Revisit the offer to help now and then. Things change, more needs happen. It IS always nice to hear from a sibling who WANTS to help, even if they can't be there physically! Don't change!!
In order to make sure that sister doesn't think you are trying to take over, I would on my next regular call ask her what she needs assistance with. She may have bill paying down pat but she might appreciate an order of groceries of maybe you could pay to have a caregiver for a few extra hours so she could have an unplanned few hours off. And if you want extra brownie points, try thinking of something to do specially just for your sister. Facial or relaxing body message, favorite scented calendar whatever. You know her so surprise with something you know she'll just love.
Hugs and Blessings to you and yours!
I visit Mom several times a week and am her Care Advocate. But the first thing she asks is "have you talked to your sister lately?"
help with. Also, tell her she’s doing a great job (seems like she is) LISTEN to her. She might tell you which service would be the most beneficial. Would cable help distract mom? Maybe your sister would like to go and get touchless pick-up food to get out of the house. Is she struggling with a situation in her own life, like a credit
card that was messed up or insurance issues that she can’t clear up because it
requires being on hold and mom might need her. Let her authorize you to handle them. Does she hate to drive? Give her some Uber credit. Use the money you would use to travel to hire respite help.
I'm the sister taking care of mom. What I find helpful is just someone to gripe to, who grew up in the same household and understands all the same references, without judgment or "helpful suggestions " (which I find usually means even more work for the caregiver).
Have you asked your sister, directly, what she would find the most helpful?
By the way- I think if one of my sisters offered to take care of the finances, I might be a little put off ( especially my if it were my middle sister), my thoughts might go to "well, that's nice, they trust me to do all the dirty work taking care of mom, but they don't trust me with her money". Unless you're absolutely sure your sister won't have that sort of reaction, I don't know if I would make the offer of "taking over finances" without a whole lot of conversation first. I personally would not agree to the caregiving I'm doing if I had to ask one of my sisters for money every time mom needed something.
Yes, they , Pam, gave great suggestions some of which I haven't thought of (thanks).
Another, big thing you can do is do any of the documentation work that you might need. You can check into Elder Options agencies and get a caregiver thru them or if in a military family go through the Veterans Administration. Also, make sure you have the living will, living surrogate provider. Have all the documents for if she needs to go into a facility. most want 6 months worth of bank statements and whatever assets she may have. Put some money on a safe deposit box bc you will need to have to lower the income in some instances and if you start now the better. If it's done before 3 or 6 months of entering the facility that's legal. You'll need to check with your state.
I also just found out that Hospice is a good resource and they offer in home care. I am going to look into that for my dad. Since, you can't see them towards the end of their journey bc of Covid I think that could be a great idea. You pay then thru contributions I believe.
Also, use facetime or whatever app you have on your phone so you all can see and talk to each other, it's wonderful. At the nursing home they use it. I am going to sign my dad out as he only went in for rehab.
My brother handles most of the documentation, calls, and I now have access to dads funds as well which was a heavy burden. Work together, that's the best thing. My brother didn't understand what I was going thru and I stopped talking to him for awhile. I was even going to have my minister call him (out of spite), when dad passed, but now I won't have to which is a great feeling.
You can send most anything in the virtual world these days even money and documents.
Also, you and your family should look into a caregiver training class. I took mine b4 the Covid but I think they went virtual too. It helped a lot and that's part of respite, can turn into a support group we had a great class.
I hope that helps, my dad is 95 so same generation.
Thanks you guys you've given me some ideas I never thought of.
Staying in touch via phone with your mom can also give your sister a break. Obviously mom has to be able to deal with phone conversations for this to work. If she can, find out from your sister when a half hour or longer phone call would be the best for her, then find entertaining things to tell your mom. My mom loves animals so I can watch funny utube videos and tell her about them, what does your mom love?
Does your sister enjoy a relaxing message? Maybe arrange one for her monthly while mom has paid caregivers.
What about ordering dinner and having it delivered at your expense once a week?
I want to tell you how much your efforts mean! Well done!
In addition to the types of delivery items mentioned, I’ve heard that ice cream is a good distraction for dementia patients and the elderly in general (barring any diabetes issues). I have a friend who has arranged for a milkshake delivery via Door Dash for her father. Your mother and sister might enjoy a treat like that together.
And I just want to say how wonderful it is that you are looking for ways to support your sister and mother through all of this. They are blessed to have you. Wishing you all peace and strength during this time.
Taking the initiative to ask on this forum is one thing to your credit already!
This is what I have help with now from them: pre-planning both parents' funerals, applying for burial at the local National Cemetary (for veterans), researching tax and medicare implications of a non-agency caregiver, selling Dad's car, closing extra credit card accounts, checking credit scores at the 3 credit score companies and looking into anything weird, looking for and interviewing, via zoom, an additional caregiver, face timing every day with Mom, but telling about their day, not asking about Dad. (If Mom had to tell that update 4 times a day she'd be even more exhausted).
Each of my siblings also encourages their own children and grandchildren to sent a card or drawing to Gramma and Grampa in the mail regularly. These bring so much joy to my Mom, much more than a Facebook post.
Best of luck to you.
Pamz gave great ideas. There may be laundry services that pick up and deliver, too, that you could arrange if they might like and are ok with that. If you can afford to pay for that, it may help, too. Even if you only do the arranging and/or finding, not the paying, that alleviates your sister finding help or doing it herself. Anything you can do to help arrange things, etc., find whatever either needs, ordering those to be delivered would help whether you're paying or they are.