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I have been going out of my way to accommodate my 84yr old mother food requests. I am understanding about taste buds issues of the elderly. My mom will ask for food to waste it. Then turns around within 20 min asking for something else. She remembers wasting the other food. She also refuses to eat leftovers. We can't afford it and I'm over it after 2yrs of it.

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Cally, does your mom live with you? And how would she know if something is ‘left-over’? Can you pack her refused food up and freeze it until the next time she asks for it?

Better yet, maybe give her a nightly menu with one simple option, for instance,
Tonight’s menu:
(Whatever you’ve planned for your family), or
Grilled cheese and tomato soup
Period.
You can dress it up however you want, i.e. Four cheese panini with tomato basil bisque!
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Beatty Sep 14, 2024
Your meal or the ONE alternative: bread and water.

My Grandparents cure-all for fussy eaters.
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Watch the Bugs Bunny cartoon, "Shiskabugs".
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Peasuep Sep 13, 2024
I know this is not a laughing matter to Cally but omg cover, you made my night!
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'Wasting food' usually means leaving dished food on the plate. If you use serving dishes, and only put a small spoonful at a time on her plate, she can't 'waste' so much. What's left in the serving dishes is clean, untouched, and can be dished up next time. It's not 'left-overs', it's what's available. You aren't running a short order cook shop. Don't produce food you know she dislikes, but forget the 'special requests'.

I've been doing this for 30 years, with children and adults. It saves a lot of food and a lot of annoyance.
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Cally2024 21 hours ago
I don't give her food she dislikes and I already give her appropriate portions
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I think you should feel lucky that your mom still has enough of an appetite to ask for food. Since at some point she won't.

As someone else suggested, get her whatever she wants but only dish out a small portion of it. If she eats it all, then give her more. If she doesn't, keep it in the fridge and give it to her the next time she asks or eat it yourself. You don't have to let her know it's leftovers. Just tell her you just got it.
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anonymous1768885 Sep 14, 2024
"I think you should feel lucky that your mom still has enough of an appetite to ask for food. Since at some point she won't."

Lucky is not how I would describe it. More like frustrating and annoying and irritating. I can't believe OP has been catering to her mother for 2 years. That's a long time to continue being a slave to her mother over eating 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
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Sounds like you live with your mother or she does with you, but either way, since it's up to you to provide food for her, just give her 2 food choices(that you yourself would like since you'll be preparing it and hopefully eating it too)like would you rather have a hamburger and small salad or piece of baked chicken with mac n cheese for supper/lunch?
If she says neither, then you tell her that those are her ONLY 2 choices and if she doesn't want those she'll just have to have a bowl of cereal. When she gets hungry enough she'll take one of the 2 choices given to her.
As long as you continue to give in to her whims, she'll continue to take advantage of you, so put a stop to it today, as someone has to be the adult in this situation.
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MargaretMcKen Sep 14, 2024
I'd forget the 'two choices'. My kids got 'dinner', not a choice. I've never heard of a family meal where there were two options, though with serving dishes it's always possible to 'skip the rhubarb' if you don't like it.
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I agree that you give her a choice and after that, she can access whatever "easy" food is available, or snacks - nothing that requires even microwaving. My MIL and SFIL used to have apple slices and popcorn for dinner every Sunday night. Now you can buy popped popcorn in bags at the grocery store. Yogurt, etc. At 84 I wouldn't fret about "nutritious" meals for her too much. I used to tell my family "The kitchen is closed!", meaning I'm done helping you find, prep or cook food. Then walk out of the kitchen and get on with the rest of your day.
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Today's Menu;

Take it or Leave it!
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Cally2024 21 hours ago
She does threaten to tell people I'm not giving her enough food and I'm being mean to her. I'm not being mean to her. I don't want to get into trouble just because I can't be her food gopher and can't afford for her waste
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I would prepare very small amounts. I think that the appetite leaves. There is much craziness around the broken brain and food. I doubt mom is fully competent now. If she is, that eases the answer here: you prepare food, she choose whether she will eat it now or later or not at all. If, however, she no longer has a fully competent mind I think Geaton has some great ideas for you.
Have healthy fruits around, even dried fruits, and yogurt.
Remember, the appetite usually lessens and the need for sleep becomes more. That's aging.
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I greatly appreciate the responses. Ive tried most if this. The fresh fruits only work when they're first bought after that she doesn't want them. Once they have spoiled says can we pick up some fruit. She lives with me (and can't walk on her own. She had a stroke 2 years ago. Fell broke her femur bone 1 yr ago) So She knows wether I'm cooking or not and she knows if she had it the day before. Her mind Is pretty good for the most part. She doesn't say outright she's not eating leftovers. She says she'll eat it later or tomorrow
So when give it to her she says she full or has all she wants of it then within 20min asks for something because she hungry. When i say why didn't you eat your food i brought you then she says it has no taste or doesn't like how it looks. Its triple frustrating when I make something just for her the way she likes it. No one else wants it. I try to accommodate her but we can't afford it for her to just waste it. Even when i make her small portions. I've explained that to her. My dad wasn't rich. We didn't go without but she didn't let us waste as kids. She didn't grow up rich either. Right now we don't have much freezer space. But I'm not making a bunch expecting her to eat it for a week or anything. When I straight call her out about it she says I don't eat things I don't want to.
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Sounds like from your reply mom is losing some reasoning skills. It’s kind of you to want to accommodate her, but it also needs limits for you. You’re a care giver, not a short order cook, no sense in constantly trying to find what food she’s in the mood to eat. Offer what you think she’d enjoy, if it’s rejected make an easy snack available near her and get on with your day. The appeasing will soon exhaust you and the budget both.
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Cally2024 21 hours ago
Ohh believe me I know I feel that short order cook thing. She threatens to tell people I'm not giving her enough food and I'm being mean to her. I sit the snacks or fruit in by her she says she needs real food. That or she only wants to eat that candy they call old time Christmas candy. I cut het off of that and portion it out.
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Cally, if she is hungry, she will eat. It won’t matter if it is spoiled, or if it has no taste, or if she doesn’t like how it looks. When she turns food down, she is not hungry. She is bored, and for some reason she has found this way to control you. Just stop. It will only take a day, at the most two, for her to learn that she eats what you give her, either immediately or when she really does get hungry. It won't do her any harm.
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Cally2024 22 hours ago
I have tried that to an extent. She threatens to tell people I'm depriving her of food and im being mean to her. She says "your not giving me enough food." "Im hungry " She may really feel that way because she wastes instead of eating and wants stiff every 20min-hr. I say ok let me get (whatever she asked for earlier) and she says "I don't believe I want thet right now. I'll eat it later" or "it doesn't have any taste to it" I have explained to her I can't fix your taste buds it's not the food. We cannot afford for you to waste food. She says I don't eat stuff I don't want to. I'm like well I know you didn't grow up rich and I know we weren't poor but we weren't rich either do I don't know where you're getting this from. I'm like you didn't let us kids or the grandkids waste. It changes nothing
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"She does threaten to tell people I'm not giving her enough food..."

Is she underweight?
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Cally, I've posted again below that this is about 'controlling you', not really about food. This may already not be the only part of it, and more will quite probably come. It's a big problem with ageing. You need to be confident about doing the right thing, but not jumping when she says 'jump'. You need to get better about standing up for yourself, or your life will not be worth living. You are not a child who obeys mother, you are unfortunately no longer in a sensible adult-adult relationship, you are now the one who must make the decisions.
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Cally, your mom is yanking your chain. She can only do that because you put the collar on yourself and put the chain in her hand.
Honestly, who cares what she tells other people?
My great grandpa told anyone who would listen that my grandma never fed him. This, about a woman who never let a human being or animal leave her presence without PIE!
We all knew he was “full of beans”.
Look at other options for her care. You might not have the will to stand up to her and that’s ok; mother/daughter relationships are super complicated. Going around and around like this isn’t healthy. I would be willing to bet that she will not be nearly as difficult in a different setting with someone else.
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Just read your replies, truly baffled why you care if mom threatens to tell others on you, doesn’t want the food you provide, and why you’re trying to endlessly reason with a person who cannot be reasoned with. This is like some strange cat and mouse game for you and mom. The only solution is for you to stop playing the game. She will not starve, and others will understand you’re not the bad guy (but really, who cares if they don’t?) This would have exhausted my efforts a long time ago
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Cally, I'm curious what kinds of meals are you making for her? Are they simple things like soup and half sandwich. Or full course meals?
My Mom could be the same way when she stayed with me at times.
It seems sometimes our elderly Moms can only threaten when they don't like something, not just food. It's a control issue. You will never get it right. Sometimes but just enough to keep you trying.
Another thought is that she's lost her ability to fix her own meals and that's frustrating for her.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Caregiving is challenging in the best of circumstances.
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I sympathize with your situation, but just trying to reason with her may not solve the problem. You can make some light food and put it next to her.
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MargaretMcKen 13 hours ago
Or biscuits!
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Before my 100-yr old Italian-American Aunt with advanced dementia passed away, she had coffee with either corn muffins or bran muffins every morning. For years. For lunch she had half a can of Campbells Chicken and Rice (or Stars) soup with an egg in it. Every day for years. At night she ate whatever meal the family caregiver prepared. If she refused it, she got the other half of the can of soup. She was extremely healthy for her age. I'm mentioning her Italian heritage because of the psychotic level of attention we tend to give to food in general. At 65 I'm finally (mostly) over that myself. My point being that a focus on food and quality and variety at your Mom's age is overrated.
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