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This has been a challenging situation. First, I love my mom. We have always had a rocky relationship though, always arguing, rarely see eye to eye, but we’ve always been there for each other. She is divorced and single for a long time. Awful with finances but even still enjoys the finer things in life. Needed upgrades for her townhome, had to buy an expensive vehicle, when she shouldn’t etc. We’ve tried talking to her about these things but there’s a fine line as she’s a grown adult and I felt I was impinging on her privacy when opening discussions and just led to arguments. She had a full time job and was struggling many years ago when in her 60s. There were no options to help her other than have her move in with my husband and kids. It was a challenge, we always fought etc. We couldn’t do it anymore and she found an apartment (luxury). (She has two pets so it’s hard to find apartments that’ll take those pets.) She lived there for a few years and fast forward to now, my husband and kids moved into a larger home to accommodate our needs. At the same time, my mom got laid off and she is essentially retired and again, needed somewhere to live so she moved in with us again, no other options, thinking a bigger home may help give us more space, although I knew it may not. She is 72, in good health but has no hobbies other than the internet. I’ve tried to get her to get out of the house, join a club or something, so we have some more privacy during the day (I’m a homeschooling mom) but she sits in the living room much of the day. I understand she’s retired and wants to do nothing but it drives me nuts. I have a brother but he has a small twin home and neither one of us can afford to help her financially at this time. She refused low-income housing years ago and now there is a three-year wait list. She is now filling out the forms for it. I’m trying so hard to make this work but it just feels like I can’t relax or be myself in my own home. The other issue is she has two elderly animals, a large dog and a cat, that create additional noise and problems. Her dog peed twice on my carpet and now has diarrhea. We have a staircase and I know this will get even more challenging for both my mom and her dog as they age. My brother is looking into some moves he can make so she can live with him as it’ll be a one-floor rancher (better for her and dog in the long-term) and she has a different dynamic with him than with me. I can’t imagine they’d argue the same as her and I. Thing is I am not certain my brother’s plan will pan out. We won’t know until January. She says she is continuing to look. Just trying to wrap my head around all of this because of course guilt sets in. I want her to be with us but it just feels so hard because sometimes her presence alone stresses me out because I’m always on edge around her. (She has a nervous type personality/energy that I can feel.) I’m so torn. Thoughts?

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I totally know how you feel about not being able to be yourself or relax in your own home. It’s like that with my father. I hide in my husband’s and my bedroom just so I don’t have to interact with him. The one room in the house that he is not allowed to
go in. I do my very best to try to look after him and most of the time it’s ok but the passive aggressive remarks and self pity really make me want to scream. I hope that I can one day enjoy my marriage again.
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About the incontinent dog: why would anyone want that in their home? If it's your own lifetime pet that's one thing (been there, done that with love), but taking care of someone else's pets that are destroying your home is quite another. She is not entitled and you are not obligated. I think it is cruel of Mom to put this on you. Get rid of the pee, the poop, the noise and the mess. That includes Mom too.
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I hope I am not too late here to reply, I was looking on this site for support as I am going through something VERY similar and thought I need to reply to this! I am going to make a separate post but somehow it's easier to give others advice than take your own. I moved my mom into my house and she has been an absolute nightmare. I did everything I could to try to make things good with her here and I am a very quiet, agreeable person so she is not used to me setting boundaries. I feel like I have had enough so I am going to live for myself now. For years she would tell me if she needs something done and I would just do it. She will get mad if I don't. I had enough and spent a good amount of money in therapy the last few months, so I am hoping to save you some by telling you that even though you will feel guilty, you shouldn't. You tried and you need to do what is good for you now. She is way too young for you to give yourself this life sentence and she needs to take responsibility for herself. If she can afford a small place of her own she needs to get one. My mother cannot even afford to rent a room somewhere here (she refuses to live anywhere outside of this expensive city) so I am paying half of her rent and she thinks she is entitled to it. If your mom can afford a place she is lucky, and I say good for you to get her out of there.
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That comment Kimbof made about teenagers below got me thinking.

Live in your home, eat the food, pay no bills, have no job.

Life is GOOD!

Expectations that it will go on & on..

Until Stop. Enter *Tough Love*.

Until you assign chores, stop doing their chores for them, insist they get a part-time job to pay for socialising, clothes & takeaway food. Then charge rent. When I told my kid that rent was to be charged next birthday "well I'll move out!". Well, if you must... 🤣🤣

Now I may be blunt & even appear mean at times, but not so mean as to suggest you send your 70yr+ mother out to flip burgers..

But having to pay her way, live within her means bring dignity.

It will be a rude awakening. So it is for any person with 'champagne taste on a beer budget'.

Maybe while on that 3 year housing list Mom has to downsize to a small bedroom at your brother's or a one bed/bedsit apartment to wait?
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MargaretMcKen Jun 2022
'I'll move out then' is exactly what my younger daughter said, when I set a contribution for household expenses. She didn't, she paid, after her older work colleagues told her what they thought of her when she complained to them.
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Love2022: As this dynamic is not working, let your mother show you the effort that she has made looking for housing since she is on the internet.
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Please read any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud. Your mother has some problem behaviors that you and your husband need to address. I like their books since they outline a good process for identifying and applying solutions for problem behaviors. It might also help to see a counsellor short term while you are coming up with your plan and implementing it.
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Love, you say ‘Being an animal lover myself, I’d never ask her to re-home them (two elderly incontinent pets). They’re her life'. This makes re-homing HER extra difficult.

Every time I say something about pets, I get howls of disagreement. BUT… These pets are NOT ‘her life’. Her life is propped up by you, not by the pets. This is just another part of “you can’t do this to me". If one of them dies naturally, she is quite capable of buying a replacement ‘to keep the other company’.

Our farm’s neighbor breeds cattle and dogs. Madam brags that ‘she makes more money from the dogs than he does from the cattle’. I’m not saying that it’s an abusive puppy farm, just that they are a product bred to sell, like their cattle and our sheep. Buying one is not a case of adopting a child, and does not have those responsibilities.

Do not let these pets be something else that forces you to assume yet another ‘had to’.
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Do you have the room in your back yard or over the garage or somewhere to build her a tiny home?

A good example is my cousin, who built a separate but attached suite onto his house for his grandmother. She had her own entrance and porch, kitchenette, bedroom, living area, bathroom and small attic. There was a door into the main house and he would take her food into her little suite.

I applaud his boundaries. My aunt (his grandmother) was cared for and wasn't alone, yet his family had the privacy that they needed.
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MargaretMcKen Jun 2022
Many posters who have the ''attached suite" have found it impossible to keep the connecting door closed. Mother wants company, family don't get privacy.
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I think most people have some degree of boundary issues with their parents. Your mother apparently has few when it comes to your home. Time to set up your own boundaries.

One thing you might start out with is to have her see her PCP if she hasn't had a checkup lately. If you're making the appointment, get across to an appropriate person in the office that you have concerns she may have some depression. (I know, HIPAA.) I recommend not bringing the issue up directly with her unless you think she would be open to it.

If she makes the appointment, go with her if she will allow you, pull the practitioner aside, and suggest she be checked. It may be standard to check anyway. I don't know.

If she's mentally and physically healthy and just likes taking up space in your house, you can always sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you need some time alone in the house. She has to find something to do for a certain number of days for a certain number of hours. If she can't or shouldn't drive, have her use a cab or an Uber/Lyft. I suggest that you not come up with a list of things for her to do. She can do it. If she fights about it or just refuses and you really don't have any options for her to live elsewhere, I guess you're stuck until January. The likelihood that an apartment will take incontinent animals is probably low.

Okay, now the animals: Take the dog to the vet yesterday. Peeing inside is not good. Diarrhea is especially not good. Elderly animals often need care. If she can't afford it, help her find a low-cost clinic. It is unfair to the dog to neglect it's illness. Take the cat too, if it's elderly, even if it's not having problems right now. If nothing can be done about the peeing and diarrhea, you're just stuck. There are a number of excellent products on the market that remove pet stains and odor. I swear by Nature's Miracle but there are others. If your mother loves the internet, ask her to research behavioral methods for dealing with a dog that pees indoors. Best wishes.
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It certainly seems mother needs to move or be moved out of your house. If that requires waiting until low-cost housing is available, you may have to grit your teeth until then but at least you can look forward to this chaos having an end date. Don't let guilt cause you to second guess this decision. Your mother's living with you is not going to get any easier with time, Bear with it for now if you have to, and help expedite moving her out.
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My 90 year old mother lives with me and her independence really didn’t reduce until the pandemic when she got sick a number of times. I lost my job during the pandemic, and am working from home now in a new venture. While it works for us, I get exhausted with some of my own health issues. My biggest problem has been her retired friends that call all day long. If they can’t get her, and she struggles with the fine motor coordination of the phone, they call me, text me, stop by and bang on the door. All attempts at boundaries causes conflicts that take more of my time. I am considering moving to another side of town with her. And yes, some are looking for money from her. I have a slogan now “beware of retired people”. Some of them are like teenagers with no responsibility, but they have money!
I think in your situation there are multiple problems and you can’t deal with them all at once. You need to build a team of support, including your kids and husband, and hold some family meetings. Discuss these matters with them, write out goals and game plan. Also, go to your doctor for advice, a family friend or even a personal lawyer and accountant. My advice is this is a myriad of problems that require multiple solutions and you can’t do this all at once. Get a big notebook for this too. If you put her in low income housing she will hate it after where she has lived and keep calling for help all the more. Affordable housing nearby might be better.
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JoAnn29 Jun 2022
My daughter is working from home. To keep from being disturbed she has told everyone, if her front door is closed do not knock. My other daughter made her a sign to that effect. Block Moms friends from your phone. Put a sign on the door "Working, Do not disturb"
Maybe you should have a little get together. I really think the elderly forget they worked at one time. Ask Mom how she feels about calls. Explain that working from home is just like working outside the home. You clock in and you clock out. You must be at that computer if a boss tries to contact you. If Mom does not answer her phone, there is a reason. Explain her problem. When she can, she will return ur call. They are not to call you from 8 to 5, you are working. If they continue, you will block them. They are not to come knocking on the door from 8 to 5, ur working and the door will not be opened to them. And please, no asking for loans. Mom is in the same place they are when it comes to income. They need to respect the boundries you have set.
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First of all, please ditch the guilt! You are doing the best you can to care for your mother. Forgive yourself for not being superwoman. At 72 years old your mother is still a comparatively young woman. If her health and mind are good, she should be able to live independently. If the dog is old and becoming incontinent, talk to his vet and your mother to find out if it is time to put him down. You need to be able to enjoy your home, too. Seek therapy for yourself as a caregiver so that you can learn to create boundaries for yourself and deal with this situation which you are trying to make work. Is your mother helping out around the house? She should be. Can she get her own breakfast and lunch? Get connected with a local social worker who can explain what resources are available for you, as caregiver, and your mother. Perhaps a social worker can expedite the applications for a senior facility for your mom. Does your area have senior centers where your mother can go to meet people her own age, and to give you a break? All the best to you and your family and mother.
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Kimbof Jun 2022
Yes my mother helped much in the house until she was 88 and her disability increased.
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Your Mom's plan for old age (even though she isn't old) was HER responsibility, not yours.
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My 83 year old mother-in-law who is now wheelchair bound with many other health conditions has lived with us for the last 7 years. My husband is an only child. The first 4 years went by smoothly. However, the agreement between the 3 of us when we bought our new house was, that she could stay as long as she could take care of her own personal needs. She has since passed this mark and now we are responsible for all her meals (making, cutting up and serving), laundry, medications, baths, daily dressings, financial responsibilities, and medical appointments. She had some major health issues last year which required hospitalization and thereafter rehab. I begged my husband to transfer her to a nursing home at that time as it was my belief it would be easier to do the transfer from the rehab facility then from our home. I guess he tried to have this discussion with her during which she told him that if he moved her to nursing home she would commit suicide. So my husband caved and told she could come home. How awful to lay such a burden on your only child. Is he not entitled to a life? We both work fulltime and so we had to hire someone to come in to help us three days a week for a few hours because that is all we could afford, and even with the caregiver she continues to be a heavy burden for us. She does not feel good and is very cranky, demanding, and unpleasant. We cannot do or go anywhere without making arrangements for her and her dog that she cannot take care of. Our girls are in college in different cities and unavailable to assist. We have not had a vacation in 5 years and I am exhausted. With no end in site, I feel like our life is slipping away and I worry that we will never get to live our life as a married couple after working so hard and raising our kids. My body and spirit are broken and my marriage beginning to crack. I pray everyday for a break that will never come. So my advice is if there is any other option than living in your home that you seriously consider it. Good luck. All the best Heather
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
HR,

Please put her in assisted living or a nursing home of she needs a higher level of care. This is ridiculous that you have to live this way.
Your MIL weaponized suicide threats and uses them to hijack your lives with. This is pretty common with seniors. Remember people don't live to become elderly when they're serious about suicide.
Tell her she's leaving and if threatens to commit suicide tell her that this is even more reason for moving her to a nursing home so she can get care for her mental health also.
You could also call 911 when she's threatening suicide and have her brought to the hospital for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. That will usually disarm the suicide threat weapon they're using to manipulate their family with.
You feel like your life is slipping away because it is. Your MIL is holding your lives hostage. Either she gets what she wants when and how she wants it and you live your lives according to her plan or she'll kill herself. She knows her son will give into her demands. STOP!
The three of you made an agreement about living together. That she could stay as long as was independent and could do for herself. You and your husband becoming caregivers to her was not part of that agreement.
Find a facility that will take her. Or set her up in a handicapped accessible apartment that allows pets and hire a live-in caregiver. If this isn't possible, there are volunteer organizations that will take her dog, care for it, and even bring it to visit her.
Everyone has options here. You are not the only possibility.
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I think August 1 is PLENTY of time.

Consider consulting a lawyer about a formal eviction. It doesn't sound like your mom is taking your deadline seriously at all.

"Not up to par"?

Oh, my. Have you ever heard the expression "beggars can't be choosers"?

HER sense of entitlement does not equate to YOUR misery.
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reallyfedup Jun 2022
FYI: Laws differ but usually eviction of a "guest" means going to court. Some courts have a mediation service and this might be helpful. In fact, some courts require it before they will hear the case. If the judge makes a judgment for possession, you have to file a writ to allow the sheriff to remove her and her things. Onto the street, if the mother hasn't made any arrangements.
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She has done a great job of guilt tripping you! She is only 72 she could live for another 20 years, are you really wanting to deal with this situation for another 20 years or more?

If she is in good health, why can't she get a part time job to supplement her income? I have many friends who are in their 70's and still working.

I personally am 75 and have my own business, plus I serve on two HOA boards and 1 corporate board, the latter which is a paid position.

You are trying to figure out how to take care of her, while she is not doing a thing, it is her responsibility to plan and handle her own life, not yours.

Of course, if she has extreme dementia then she will need guidance/support but this does not seem to be the case with her.

Yes, perhaps therapy will help you to understand how to set boundaries and enforce them, these things are never easy but a solution is out there.
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Love2022 Jun 2022
Thank you! No dementia or other issues at all. She does need to figure it out. I just sent her a bunch of apartments but she refused them all essentially because they’re not up to par according to her. I told her she may just have to deal with it and get a part time job if she wants something nicer. I certainly want her to live in a safe area. Finding something affordable like that is challenging but she needs to do it. She keeps discounting anything I have sent to her.
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I have some questions...

1. How long has she been living with you this second go-around? How long did she live with you the first time?

2. Does she pay you an appropriate amount of rent? Does she pay anything towards utilities, food, pet expenses?

3. You gave her a deadline to find somewhere else to live? When is that?

4. Everyone is right; don't depend on your brother to ever take her in. It suits everyone else (your mother, your brother) the way things are right now.

5. And, finally, I hope SHE is the one to clean up after her dog. Is she?
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Love2022 Jun 2022
Here are answers:
1. The first time, about 3 years, this time, 9 months. She literally moved in as soon as we bought the house as she lost her job at the same time so we really haven’t had a chance to even enjoy it on our own.

2. The rent is actually good. We agreed on $700 which is helpful and I’m grateful for the extra income but Honestly, the money doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m at the point I’m sacrificing my life for hers, and I refuse to do that anymore no matter how much it is.

3. I gave her August 1. She keeps telling me to be patient as if she won’t be able to find something but I’m sticking to it. I gave this deadline about a month ago.

5. oh yes! I don’t clean up after her animals except for the pee in the hallway one morning. She doesn’t even seem empathetic about this at all. It’s the weirdest thing. She gets mad at me for complaining about it.

If you have any other thoughts or feel
I am out of line in any way with deadline etc, please, feel free!
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Read up on F.O.G. That stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You mom, like many manipulative people, is using this technique to coerce your behavior.

Yes, finding a therapist would be a good step.
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Love2022 Jun 2022
I will look that up because I started seeing this more clearly a few months ago and this is exactly what is sounds like. Sometimes when the dust settles is when you can finally see things for what they are. Thank you!
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Did she do that for her mom or did she say she would have?

There are plenty of standard apartments in good areas. Just because she thinks she deserves better doesn't mean she can afford it. I'd like a condo in Bermuda but I am still in NJ.

Stop with the 'had to' attitude. The only person who 'has to' do anything is your mom. Start making her. Maybe it is time you start looking for places for her.

How does your husband feel about the lack of privacy?
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Love2022 Jun 2022
Thank you for your response and giving me a swift kick in the butt about stopping the “had to.” You’re right. She didn’t do that for her mom as she lost her mom when her mom was in her 50s. Way way too young, I couldn’t imagine. (That’s another thing I have worried about as well because she has brought that up as to how young she lost her that I never want to feel I didn’t do enough to help my own mom. Thinking about it, she has really placed a lot of these thoughts into my mind whether directly or indirectly that I probably could use some therapy!) I always think about how she’d handle it if she had to move her mom in with her and my dad in the past. She says she’d do it in a heartbeat, but it’s not so black and white. It’s as if she doesn’t realize there are other factors involved, like a husband and two kids. It’s add additional stress to the home, additional noise. She wants to be like the Brady Bunch and although that sounds lovely, it’s not so simple. My husband always had the idea that it’s the right thing to do to help family, but at that point, I don’t think he thought it fully through either. I’ve started looking for places for her but it’s so hard to find affordable ones that allow two pets. Being an animal lover myself, I’d never ask her to rehome them. They’re her life.
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Thank you everyone so far for your advice and suggestions. I’m taking it all in. I do want to mention that she does pay us rent every month from her SS so she’s not entirely mooching but it doesn’t really change how I’ve been feeling. I’m looking forward to reading more from you all. I need all the advice I can get!
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What blows my mind is all the bending-over-backwards you've done for mom, and all the taking advantage of you mom has done. Where were the compromises SHE'S made? Not being able to afford 'luxury' yet moving into luxury houses ANYWAY, now being 'in need' of moving in with you yet again. Had she lived within her means, like the rest of the mature adult world, she'd have had her living arrangements worked out by now and not have been 'in need' of a darn thing from her children except love & dinner together once in a while. Instead, she's a moocher once again, along with two pets who are now YOUR problem, and you're back on the roller coaster ride thanks to her immaturity and your inability to set boundaries down & use the word NO.

Your mother 'says she is continuing to look' for housing. How so? Talk is cheap. If she's on the net all day, let her SHOW you how she's looking for apartments. Talk to your brother right away and see what plans he has in MOTION to get his mother moved into his home. January is 7 months away; what happens then that makes moving her in a possibility? It sounds like another way to postpone her move-in and string you along THINKING it may happen when he knows for a fact it will not. Nobody 'looks into moves' that happen 7 months down the road......not in my experience. If he wants to move to a larger house that will accommodate her, then DO IT NOW for petesake. Don't wait for HIM to make something happen here; work on making something happen YOURSELF!

In the meantime, don't be torn about making a decision to get mother out of your house. You shouldn't have taken her in again knowing what you know, having the experience you have had with her in the past, and the rocky relationship in force that you do have. I say that b/c I too had an oil & water relationship with my NERVOUS NELLIE of a mother and vowed NEVER to take her into my home, so I didn't. She tried every trick in the book to get me to cave, but I refused. She lived in IL, then AL and then finally Memory Care AL the last nearly 3 years of her life. She died in Feb of this year at 95 years old. NINETY FIVE. Your mother is 72.....

I had to move both my folks to my state 10.5 years ago when dad had to stop driving, so I could help them (only child here), and I did just that. I just did on MY terms, not mom's. If she had her druthers, they'd have moved in with me, lock stock & barrel, and ruined my entire life. Yeah, no. Not happenin ma. I loved her very much but we'd always had a dysfunctional relationship which I KNEW would continue if, God forbid, we lived together again in the same house. Once was more than enough as a kid.

Make plans now to get mother out of your house, one way or another. Whether it's your brother who steps up or you find her an affordable studio apartment to rent, or whatever. YOU may have to 'look' yourself b/c if you leave the looking to her, it may just take years on end to actually HAPPEN!

Don't let guilt drive your decisions here; let common sense and a desire to SALVAGE your relationship be the determining factor moving forward.

Best of luck to you.
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Love2022 Jun 2022
You’re right, and I know it. I should have said no from the start. Fear kept me from saying no, fear of where she’d live, if she’d be safe, etc. Other problem is she has always placed guilt on me regarding her relationship with her own mom, how she’d do anything for her mom, etc., and basically made me feel sometimes that I suck as a daughter when growing up. That’s always in the back of my mind and honestly is a huge part of why I allowed this to begin with, feeling that it’s my duty to help her because that’s what she’d do for her mom if that was the case. Now I see that that is a form of manipulation. It’s wrong and I’m feeling resentful of that as well.
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You need to establish strick rules and boundaries as you are really working at home and that should be uninterrupted.
Your Mom is 72 and wants to do nothing? Well, I know people closer to 80 and they work, travel, enjoy life.
Perhaps she needs part time job, or volunteering, some social clubs?
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Love2022 Jun 2022
I have suggested those activities to her more than once! She wants no part of finding anything outside the home. Extremely frustrating.
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I really don't understand that caregiving and move-ins were already occurring when Mom was in her sixties.
Now at 72 it is being contemplated AGAIN when it didn't work out the first time.
Mom has another good 30 years left in her, though they will be a downhill slide all the way.
Is this what you want for your life?
I think that both you and brother are making decisions for your own lives that I would not contemplate for a single second, so I am likely the wrong one to even comment here.
Mom has lived her life. You are now living yours. Or are you living "yours plus Mom"? Honestly that choice is all yours. You have already written us a post that tells me you know exactly what you are getting into if you do this.
I can but wish you the very very best of luck. And I DO mean that.
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Love2022 Jun 2022
Thank you for your honesty. I agree with you. I see this can’t be a permanent situation. I’ve had sleepless nights, where I thought about all that you’re saying. It’s a shitty situation to be put in when your mom is that young to begin with, beginning in her 60s. I used to tell her she should date or find someone to spend the rest of her life with. She never wanted to do that as well. These are all her choices.
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Your mom(by her poor choices)made her bed and for some reason you felt obligated to not let her lie in it. People will never learn by their mistakes if someone(you)keeps rescuing them.
It's obvious that you haven't learned how to set boundaries with your mom yet, and for that I would recommend some therapy to help you with that.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON YOUR MOM SHOULD BE LIVING WITH YOU!!!! She's a grown woman for Pete's sake and has to learn how to do life on her own, along with suffering the consequences of her poor choices.
By you continuing to take her in you are enabling her bad behavior. It's like someone who continues to go out to buy alcohol for an alcoholic, thinking that they're in some way helping them.
So take a step back, look hard at yourself in the mirror and decide today that mom has to go. And the sooner the better. You cannot wait until your brother supposedly makes room for her(as that will more than likely never happen.) She is not his responsibility either.
If she has to live in a small one room apartment because she can't afford more, well than so be it. She has done that to herself and you owe her nothing. It's time she grows up and starts taking responsibility for her own life and quits depending on her children to clean up her messes. Enough is enough!
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Love2022 Jun 2022
Thank you for this thoughtful response. I do feel setting boundaries is an issue I’ve had but I’m learning more and more how to do that. I agree with all that you’ve said. It feels hard and it hurts, but I have given her a date with ample time to find another place.
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72 is not old! (I am 72) If she just got laid off from a job then no major health problems.

Its not your fault that Mom spent her money unwisely. That, as a single woman, she did not put aside money to take care of herself when she retired. Its not your responsibility to support her. Where I live there id HUD apts. You pay 30% of your monthly income towards rent. Your responsible for electric and cable. Cable can be very basic. There are so many free streaming apps you really din't need a lot of channels.

Mom is just going to need to live a simple life. Her days of extravagance are over. She brought that on herself.

At 72 don't think Mom is ready for an AL.
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Love2022 Jun 2022
Thank you!
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Hello, welcome to the forum! Your mom always had other options, it's just that you didn't feel emotionally good about them so you kept rescuing her.

Animals being incontinent is one thing, people being incontinent is another and very likely in her future. Elders lose their filters, and mobility, etc. and it can go on for years. I'm making a point of bringing this to the forefront so that you are more motivated to find other arrangements for her. Please do not have her move in with your brother, either. That's not a solution.

Would she be able to function on her own in AL? Can she afford it? If not, the solution is NOT for you or your brother to pay for this, as it is unsustainable and robs from your own futures (and maybe even present). This may be the time when she and you and brother visit a certified elder law attorney to make sure all her legal protections are in place so that you/brother will be able to make decisions in her best interests if/when cognitive (or medical) impairment sets in. She needs a PoA, and a Living Will. If she doesn't agree to create these protections, you'll have another poop storm looming on the horizon.

You should also consult with a Medicaid Planner, as it seems inevitable that she will need it at some point. You and brother paying to prop her up may disqualify her. That is the poopiest of poop storms.

You can also contact your local area's Agency on Aging for resources for her, and maybe consider talking to social services (a social worker) for your county to see if she qualifies for an Elder Waiver for some in-home help.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You, your own husband and your children are the first priority, not your mom. She lived an irresponsible lifestyle and now you're paying for it -- and that needs to end. I wish you mush clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you work to find a realistic solution.
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Love2022 Jun 2022
These are great tips. I absolutely didn’t feel emotionally good about the other options. You read my mind. I was scared if I didn’t help, something bad would happen and it would be because I didn’t help. (Anxious thinking.) Thank you for this advice.
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Welcome, Love.

I'm struck by the number of times you said "had to" in your post.

People make choices. Your mother makes poor ones and now YOU feel coerced.

Start out by finding a therapist who can help you break out of the unhealthy relationship you have with your mom. She's an adult.

The incontinent animal-- has it been seen by a vet? This is mom's problem to solve. Vet, canine/feline diapers, additional training or the animal needs to be re-homed. I trust it's mom, not you, cleaning the mess.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
I have to disagree, rehoming a senior animal is cruel.

It needs to see a vat and have it diet monitored to figure out what is going on.

I do agree that mom should be cleaning it up and she should be paying more attention to the signals that the dog is having when it needs out.
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