For 10 years I’ve been helping a neighbor with all things electronic when they stopped working. In May, I found out she has cancer and is currently at home in hospice. She is estranged from her family. In this case, I started to help some. That has since evolved into a toxic situation, nothing done for her is right, she wants me on-call, and boy, she does call! If I can't meet her demands, boy oh boy, the guilt trips. I totally understand the dynamics involved, but now it's taking an emotional toll. I have my children with me this week and she's asking when they're leaving just about every day. I know why, because I'm spending time with them. She's making me out to be the bad guy, so what do I do now to get out of this?
If there are days or a day in the week that you can set aside to help her, then tell her so. Say .."Mary, I can help you out on Monday and Thursday from 9am until 3:30pm. If she needs help out side of that time frame she can hire someone.
If you do not think she is taking care of herself other than when you are available you can report her to the Elder Abuse hotline in your State. (Self neglect is reportable) Or you can report her to APS.
If it has also gotten to the point where you can no longer safely help her tell her that you are unable to continue helping her and that she need to hire someone.
(By the way if you do want to continue I think she should be paying you)
I agree with calling APS; this woman should not be alone.
You may just have to be blunt with her. "Mary, I cannot be at your beck and call" I have my own family and responsibilities. When I say No I can't do that, you have to take No for an answer. You are too demanding of someone who is just a neighbor"
Now you can see why the woman is estranged from her family. Again, talk to Hospice. Explain you cannot be there for this woman the way she wants u to be. Ask if Hospice has volunteers that can help her? Maybe the aides can stay longer?
At this point I know backing out completely would be wise because this woman does not understand boundries. Its a shame though, she is terminal with nobody and you can see why. Maybe it would be better if she did Hospice in an AL or LTC. It would mean her paying for the facility. But she would have other people around and you could visit. Really, she may not need someone with her 24/7 at this point but she may near the end and Hospice needs to understand that there is no family and you will not be doing it.
Please update after talking to Hospice.
If this patient has told the Hospice Nurse and Social Worker that her neighbor is "helping out" they may be satisfied that she is getting help she needs.
A Volunteer would come for no more than 4 hours and probably no more than 1 time a week. They can do no "hands on" care.
You do not need to explain yourself to her or to anyone really but for some mystifying reason, many people caught in your situation seem to be saddled with guilt for feeling the normal feelings associated with another person crossing our boundaries.
You can tell her honestly that you do not need to explain yourself to her. You do not owe her an explanation for how long your family is staying and, that if she continues to intrude upon your private life and time, you will have to end contact with her. Be upfront about how generous you have been with your spare time and that you feel that she is taking advantage of your generosity and kindness.
Just because she's dying doesn't give her the right to be ungrateful.
You've done so much for her, my hat is off to you. Please don't feel guilty for quitting this unpaid job now. Enough is enough.
I think she is using the whole 6 month thing to keep you at her beck and call. You sound like you have more health issues than her and your description of her mobility and other things doesnt exactly shows person who is on deaths door.
My MIL has lung cancer stage 4 and has had it for almost 3 years now and sounds and acts healthier than ever since her diagnosis.
I would report her to APS and let them know she is a vulnerable adult and has no one else and that her only current help -- you -- are moving in September. Then you can block her calls or let them roll into voicemail.
Getting "out of this" won't feel good or comfortable but you've done yeoman's work for her out of the goodness of your heart. Now you need boundaries because she won't or can't respect them from her end.
My father would call me at work and want me to leave work to come and fix his remote. Or at least come right after work, but I had kids in daycare that had to get picked up....and no I didn't have someone else to do that for me like he thought. Everything to them is an emergency.
I think you are going to have a hard time making this woman understand that for the next month you are not available. Do not answer that door. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door. Concentrate on getting things done. Is anyone coming to help you? If so, let them answer the door and tell the neighbor "sorry Baffled is not feeling well" "sorry, she is busy packing and can't come to the door"
So sorry you are going thru this. I saw the writing on the wall when I was helping a GFs Mom and then my GFs family. Once you start, its really hard to back out without hurting feelings. I got out of it because I started babysitting my grandson. Then I had care of my Mom for 3 yrs after that. Then Mom passed and Mrs S kept saying I should stop by. By that time Mrs S's husband was gone, GF and her husband were gone and granddaughters were worthless. Mrs S was an only child and GF was an only child. So no family. I KNEW if I stopped by Mrs S would ask me to do this and that. She was in her late 80s, a nice woman that needed someone. But after caring for others for 4 yrs, I wanted my life back at 68.
Keep us updated on how things go. Hope your moving is a smooth one.
And yet they continue to do as you've described. I wonder why. Perhaps it is easier for them, saves money, etc. I will add hospital discharge planners to the list of those who listen to the cognitively impaired patient saying "Yes, my niece is going to be moving in with me and helping me shower and get up and down, cooking and cleaning, etc." instead of the niece who is shouting "NO, NO, NO, I am NOT doing this! I live 50 miles away and have a family to care for! She lives alone and has NOBODY to stay with her!"
I do agree that you need to decrease the time spent immediately, but use the Indiana Jones substitution method. This is what I might do:
1. Research local sources - city, county, state- to see what they offer, but don't filter it by reading it all and making recommendations. Let her do that. Not only will it gently force her to make more of her own decisions, but you're not leaving her in a vulnerable position as she'll have the chance to make arrangements before you move. And don't back down.
2. If she continues to contact you, you might answer the first few calls but ignore her requests for your assistance and instead focus on what results she's had from contacting the entities on the lists you gave her. Don't ask if she's called; help her realize that you're backing out.
If she continues to call, continue the same inquiry, then announce you have to pack for the upcoming move and although sorry, just can't spend any more time helping her find assistance (not "providing" assistance, but finding it elsewhere).
3. Send her a lovely card stating how much you've enjoyed her friendship, taken pleasure in helping her in the past, and are now going forward, as you plan to continue your life elsewhere. It may not be possible, but try to focus on the fact that you're done, although you've made efforts to aid her in transferring reliance elsewhere.
Good luck.
If you know the hospice organization, make sure they also know you'll be leaving. She may have told them she has a support system in place (you), so let them know that's not the case. Tell them you're leaving at least two weeks before you really are going. You don't need to deal with her stuff up until the minute you leave.
That's a joke I read sometime ago. But seriously, Baffled, you mentioned you have health issues of your own. Then, use that as the reasons to not work (for free.)
"Sorry, I'm not feeling well today."
"My __ has been hurting so much, I can't do anything today."
"I've got a doctor appointment that I need to go to."
"My medication makes me so dizzy, I can't focus today."
"Sorry, I am busy today. Lots of things to do to get ready for the move."
"Sorry, I'm gone."