What do I do with belongings that can't go to Assisted Living?

My 91 yo mom moved to a facility back in 2018 and is now in AL. When putting her house up for sale, my husband and I were the ones who had to go thru her and my dad’s lifetime of accumulations (which included many items from their parents). It becomes overwhelming in a hurry, especially if you allow sentiment to influence your decisions. Being overwhelmed can then cloud your judgment and you may wind up throwing out treasures or valuables. First suggestion, get someone you trust to help you go through and catalog things, if at all possible!

The other thing I learned from my experience is that when it’s time for family members to go through things, most don’t know or remember the backstory of inherited possessions (and my mom’s memory of them was no longer accurate). If you or a sibling do know about an item’s history, maybe writing it down and attaching it to the item may intrigue and help younger generations to connect. Isn’t there a saying that goes something like, “how do we know who we are if we don’t know where we came from”... ?

Ltlmrmd: There were a number of ideas and methods I used when had to market my late mother's home out of state. I used donation methods for furniture, household goods, food stuffs and elder care items. To some family and friends, I did give mementos. As an aside, I had to live there to provide care for her.

We put things in storage until my father passed and then let everyone in family take what they wanted, prioritizing with the adult children. Many trips to goodwill and then found out how hard it was to get rid of furniture from public storage. Don't have high expectations from an auction. https://www.nextavenue.org/nobody-wants-parents-stuff/

Might want to set up the auction and allow family members to come the day or week before the public auction. Decide in advance which items they may select from and how much they may take in either total value of the items or number of items. Before anybody takes anything, remind them that the goal is to have a momento or 2 to remind them of mom and that the profits off of the rest are to pay for her care.

Discuss it with them - tell them that she will need to sell items to help pay her fees, but if they would each like a momento then that would be nice, however after that you will need them to pay for anything they take at an auction price. If they want something extra look the item up on a selling site and reckon that price will be twice what you would achieve at auction or gather a list, take photos and get the auctioneer to give you expected achievable values. Then he can clear the rest for you. Its sad to see someone's things be dispersed and disposed of, but you are being very considerate to the family, hopefully they will be supportive of you with this difficult job.

If your mom is able to make decisions, start going through things with her to label things specified for certain family members or friends that she may want to have a certain something. Set all those things into one room.

If you are talking about siblings who would want to go through things, tell them that the move is making mom anxious enough. If they know of something in particular they want - tell you now. I think it would be most difficult for me to have a lot of people in the room at the same time asking for my things. I would be able to sort it out better in my head if I had a list and then could make the decision...especially if 2 people want the same things.

Another idea might be: You know the difference between her cherished items and bric-a-brac that older people accumulate over the years as a non-cherished gift item. Sort the family heirloom things into one room and all other items into other rooms. After mom makes the move, allow the family members to tell you items they would like to have..if only one wants it, label w/their name. If two or more want certain items, see if they can work it out or just draw a name to get it.

My mom has a LOT of 'stuff'. Then she has quite a few items that have been very important to her for over 100 years. I know the difference - more than likely all my siblings do. I think I could sort it rather quickly.

First, this stuff belongs to your mother. Everything she owns should go to pay for her care. Period. Unless some of the items are family heirlooms, then your Mom should decide what to do with them. Tell the vultures this.

I rented a small storage locker and moved anything Mom wanted to keep there and would pull things out for her if she asked for them. After her death most of it went to donations. Most of it had value only to her, usually as a memory trigger.

You can either donate them to a nearby Salvation Army or Goodwill store or thrift store or you can put them into storage or burn them as a last resort.

When it was determined that my mother could no longer live alone in her home, we moved her 100 miles away from where she had lived 25 years. My mom was a sentimental saver.........as many parents are.
My brother lives in Indiana and I live in WI. We moved her to be closer to me, her only "family" left around her. We weren't able to bring along her "church-family", but they keep in contact and occasionally visit.
My brother came up with a trailer an picked out the items he and his wife would like. There weren't many things either of were coveting enough to cause any problems. There are so many things that were meaningful but not things that were practical for either of us. We offered our 2 children anything they wanted....they aren't even sure about OUR things!!! Times are really different. Kids want what THEY want, unless there is a special memory or Grandma and Grandpa. Gratefully, our children remember times with them, not things. Besides, they'll see them again when they go through OUR stuff!
Mom wasn't really attached to "things" (now that she didn't need them) and was willing to have her friends share her Christian books, or really anything left in the house that was useful to them. She had no need for lawn chairs in a nursing home. She also had them go through her cupboards ...pans that were a different size than they had, unused canned goods", assorted "stuff" of no use to her and of little value or need for her.
I was overwhelmed with the idea of cleaning out the remainder of her home. Our family decided that anything looking like remainder of grocery items would go to a food pantry. There was a Good-will type store nearby and a neighbor and I packed as much as we could to donate. (everything from furniture to knick-knacks ,dishes, rakes...there isn't much that someone else doesn't need) Any blankets and towel-type stuff went to the humane society.
There were collections of spoons, some antiques, old clocks (not functioning) lamps furniture, Pfaltzraff (entire set for 12), office stuff and desk, some silver-plate and pewter things, books and bookcase, home decor etc.,etc.,etc that I knew had value, but I was not capable of handling the pricing, selling and whatever else was necessary...especially long-distance!
I determined the best way for me to handle this was with one of those transition/sale outfits. (We chose Caring Transitions because of the other sales of theirs that I had visited. The pricing seemed fair.) They determined that with the remaining items, it would not be practical to do an "open house" type of sale in our case and instead put the remainder on auction. A "picker" and some of the volunteers did a pre-sale and the rest was auctioned over a period of time. Part of our contract was for them to dispose of the remaining items (probably another trip to a thrift shop), The final invoice mentioned they donated a number of items. Mom would have too, if she was able. They were "things" to her. The ones with memories I probably have......after I go through all the boxes of pictures etc. that I have.....someday I'll probably get to them. I am still using my great-grandmothers mixing bowl for large salads and "meatloaf-making.! - it is REALLY large compared to today's choices. I never new her but I love it!
Because there was no way I could handle getting the house "sell-able", they completely emptied, cleaned, washed floors, walls, cupboards etc. The garage and basement were immaculate according to the neighbor. I never felt the need to "check-up" on their services.
This home wasn't the home I grew up in, so I had no particular parting issues. It was the ending home for both mom and dad . Gratefully we were never brought up to be "thing" oriented. Mom would just say, "It was just a house, the people made it a home. We have memories and had a roof over our heads. IT SERVED IT'S PURPOSE."
She is now 98, in a nursing home and has with her the things that she feels she needs.

I think it’s a great idea. As others have said, if she can have any input, that is what will make things easiest for you, because then they are HER gifts, and they’re not squabbling over who got to get first pick and so on.

When my grandmother passed, she had a detailed list and gave one cherished prized possession to each grandchild and child (I received my great-grandmother’s wedding ring, now 105 years old). My father was executor, and then once those were put aside for people, allowed family to walk through and choose other mementos.

If it were me, I’d go in order of birth, because there’s a logical order that is unbiased.

An elder wanted to understand what each family member might want and proposed:
1. Give each person a set of colored stickers (1 color per person)
2. Draw straws to see who would go first, second, etc.
3. Let family members take turns stickering items they wanted (which forces them to decide what’s important with differing dollar and emotional values).

If the items have serious price discrepancies, take them out of the equation*

*son-in-law, who is the only pilot in the family, whispered to his wife “sticker the plane” 😂 😂 😂

Is mom competent? Does she get any say in what happens to her things?

Ask HER if she's OK with giving a few things to relatives. Let her know what those folks would like and let her OK it first.

Be cognizant that someone moving to AL or any nursing home is losing EVERYTHING -- their home, their possessions, their independence. It's a very, very hard thing to do, especially if they're from the Depression era where you hold on tightly to everything you have because it represents security.

Involving Mom even to a small degree in the distribution of items to relatives would make it easier to let go of some of those things. Yes, the bulk of the stuff needs to be sold for her upkeep, out keep in mind always that these are HER things first and foremost.

I think your heart is in the right place. Depending on how well your mom is doing financially you have more options. If she’s hurting for funds, you’d probably better sell more and see that it benefits her. Follow your heart- you won’t go wrong!

This answer is not specifically on point, but nearing 80 myself and a caregiver for my husband, we are taking a
pre-need approach to things we have gathered. Our
children have always indicated what they have interest
in, through their comments over the years. We recently
downsized for convenience, so instead of giving gifts over the coming holidays that they may not want or use, we
are giving items we know they will appreciate and enjoy
during our lifetimes. Especially important to a grandson
who is now driving age is his grandpa’s 17-yr-old truck
that has been maintained in top condition but isn’t really needed. Helps grandson’s family and reduces our auto
insurance costs. This is just one example … everyone has
a tendency to keep things as they age, but we decided
that after several years, even practical items if not used,
are just stored. Most important aspect of this process is
that we are making these decisions together.

Garage Sales are a lot of work and there is always left over, low return on the dollar.
Auctions get 30% of proceeds and charge 10% to each buyer no left overs.

When my mom went to assisted living, I did a 3 day yard sale after I invited her sisters and brother and her close friends to come and pick something that meant something to them. I also asked my siblings who all lived out of state, what they wanted me to set aside for them. What was left, we donated. The money went into a bank account in my brother’s name so it wouldn’t affect her Medicare. Whenever mom wanted extra she had access to a pool of money.

Well, just based on the one or two sentences, I would plan an auction then allow family members to buy items that can't go to your mom's apartment in assisted living. Not knowing how much is there or the value, keep in mind assisted living can be expensive. Will proceeds from an auction be a significant help? Make sure your family understands that proceeds from an auction will go 100% to out of pocket expense for your mom. Keep good records and offer to let anyone have access if they feel hesitant to understand. Very important to do this, to make sure they understand YOU aren't the one benefiting from selling her "stuff". Mementos maybe can be separated from furniture, kitchenware, clothing which can become the more important decisions with siblings. But again, it will be very important to make everyone comfortable with an auction by keeping really good records. Lastly, dont be in a rush to have an auction if it can remain in place or storage for a short period of time. Good luck, I hope your family is not like most and there always seems to be one who is suspicious and likes to be a thorn in the process without offering to be part of the care itself.

Wouldn't your mom rather her prized possessions be kept in the family or with her closest friends than carted off by strangers?

Keep in mind several things about her "stuff". Tastes change. For a while, 1800s furniture was all the rage until mid-century modern came back into fashion. Depending on what style her "stuff" is, it may be worth a lot or a little. But that's not up to you. It's up to the people buying it.

Are you hiring a professional auction house or planning to run the sale yourself? Even a garage/estate sale is a ton of work if you want to fetch top dollar. Things need to be organized, cleaned and presented in a way that entices buyers.

I see that you're in Newport, VA, which leads me to believe that you can have a garage/estate sale/auction before the end of the year.

FWIW, when we moved my in-laws to independent living, we hired an estate liquidator. They had valuable pieces of furniture and collectibles that fetched a good price. But before any of that, every family member was asked if they wanted something from their home as a memento.

IMO, most people are not vultures and don't want to be treated as such. When my best friend's mother died, I asked her to pick something for me as a memento because her mom was such a special person in my life. I got a 1960s hand-painted, silk scarf from Paris that she wore. Now it's mine and I treasure it. If there is a black sheep in the family, you can deal with that person one-on-one.

When my mother died, my father had a"Round Robin" among the four of us for choosing momentos. He began with the oldest one of us and we took turns selecting one item each round. Could you do something like that with your mother's things? If you need money from an auction sale, the items that might bring some money could be excluded from the auction.

Change the locks on the door if others have a key to the house.

Tell all family members your plans to have an auction and tell them if there is something specific they want then they can let you know and you will let them know the price you're willing to let it go for or, they can wait and go to the Auction.

If you are the executor, you will have this job eventually. It is okay to distribute these items now. (Putting them in storage would be fiscally irresponsible).

Distribute according to her wishes (if they are known). It is not appropriate for you to read her will while she is living unless you have power of attorney.

If her residual belongings are to be distributed among a group of people equally, a fair solution is to allow the eldest of the group to pick first, go down by age and when you finish the list work backwards through the list. So, if there are three people, the selection goes 1-2-3, 3-2-1, 1-2-3, 3-2-1 and repeating.

This has been proven to be the most equitable distribution mathematically.

if you were to sell these items at auction you would get pennies on the dollar. A cupboard that is priceless to many may only cover a few months of hairstyles.

An alternate solution is to have an auction where the family participates. The problem with this solution is the wealthiest family member is advantaged and the people who need the items most are disadvantaged.

When the family is done with their selections, offer mementoes to friends and other relatives before donating the leftovers to charity.

Again this is a job for an executor or someone with power of attorney. If it is not done properly or fairly, you might wind up in court. If your family is litigious, angry or aggressive, have them agree to this in a simple contract drawn up by an estate lawyer before any item is removed.

Why wait until after death? Why not gift them right now? I am starting to give things away to my children and grandchildren.

When my mother passed we had bills to pay so everything went to auction and family bought what they wanted. There is no free lunch anymore. Make them leave things alone as she needs the money.

Have mom 'gift' special things to specific people and either donate the rest or pack it away in a storage unit.

An auction could be great or it could be a total bust--in my life every 'estate sale' I've ever been involved with brought in far less money than time was worth. Better to sell everything not given to family to an auction house and let them cut you one check.

And yes, change the locks on the house, or move the more valuable items out of the house. My OB vultured through my gma's condo and stripped it bare before mother even had a chance to take inventory. AND grandma was still alive--just in a NH, so for a short period of time there was talk she'd be able to go home. AND here's her place--stripped of all the valuables.

It's kind of sad, but really, most our junk is just that (to our heirs)..junk. The stuff they 'want' is all funny little tchotchkes that are of no monetary value. My girls are already 'fighting' over a set of small brass elephants.

One of the early things I did was change the locks on my parent’s home, exactly to deter some family vultures. I had family members come a couple at a time to get items special to them, and I wasn’t shy about saying something was off limits. It’s a great idea to have an auction and be clear to all that money is needed for her care

Is your mom capable of being part of this decision? Is she able to designate certain items for certain people prior to the auction? Family members need to understand that auction proceeds go to pay for her care. Who has access to her home? I would secure it if this is a concern. My 102-yr old aunt has had her nieces and nephews put their names behind and under items they'd wish to have after she passes. She is enjoying "giving" the items to her family while she's still here to receive their appreciation. I knew a person whose grandmother hosted a family lottery for her most desirable items.