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Mom has Congestive heart failure, AFib, Aortic Anuryism and is in a senior retirement home right now for 2 yrs. (independent living). She's been declining in health since January and spent 37 days in hospital in the spring and almost died. All the professionals have recommended Long Term Care. All the paper work is done, which took months and we're now waiting for a bed.
Mom has had 1 good week now this past week and is insisting she doesn't need to move. If you cancel this, we have to start all over again which will take several months.
I've tried to explain to her that this is a short relief period for her and to enjoy it, but that the edema is going to come back (which all the drs have told her) and if we cancel we'll be stuck.
The retirement home cannot provide the nursing care she needs but every day she's talking the same thing over and over.
Should I just humor her through these conversations or keep explaining the need for change? I've been her sole caregiver since 1987 when my dad died and I'm at a point where I need this to end. I'm 76 yrs old and feel like my life is on hold because of mom. I have fibromyalgia and two bad discs in my lower back as well. I'm still doing her laundry and errands because of her incontinence. Her legs and feet were so swollen, she couldn't life them into bed or our car. Every time we talk about it, she makes me feel so guilty and I start second guessing myself.
We're just waiting now for the phone call that a bed has become available.
Any advice on how to respond to her in the meantime?

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"Mom, we are not canceling the long term care."

"Mom, we are moving forward with the long term care."

"Mom, when the bed in long term care becomes available, you are going."

"Mom, it took me a lot of work to get you on the list for a bed in long term care and I am not changing those plans."

"Mom, your expectations are unrealistic and this is what needs to happen."
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I think that you have to hold the line. It is a fact that all decent people suffer guilt in these times, but we cannot ACT out of guilt, because you know LOGICALLY what the facts and truth is. So that as difficult as it is, and you can tell her that you feel awful that she has to move, but that it is a fact. You cannot do the care, and they can no longer do the care where she is at. She will argue, fight, cry and mourn. What happens to us at the end of our lives is not fun stuff. We have a right to fight and cry and mourn. Not all things are good things. Some are worth crying over. And as you you, you will wish you were a Saint who has endless time, money and help. You aren't. And you don't. And you will feel awful. Allow yourself to feel awful, because the truth is that you KNOW what the best thing to do is, here. And if you do not listen to your logic you will kick yourself over and over, and it will NOT HELP YOUR MOM. Your feelings come out of your own love and caring and pain. Your feelings come out of your own DECENCY. Allow yourself to have your feelings and STILLmove forward in the way you know is best.
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Did a doctor sit down and tell her this is what needs to happen?

All good reasons why she has to go. No one to care for her.

This is now what she needs, not what she wants. No more discussions. She can't go back to Independent living. So sorry, I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done. You mention no Dementia but at 97 there has to be some cognitive decline and she really can't make a good decision. You may have to tell her a little white lie. Its not forever.
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Irish2 Jul 2019
Thanks so much! I really appreciate all the advice and support.
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The time has come for you to put your foot down. An authoritative voice and a stern stance can go a long way. Get the doctors and nursing staff to have a stern talk with her together with you
she probably thinks death will shortly follow if she moves and is frightened, but the time has come.
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Irish2 Jul 2019
I’ve decided, as of yesterday to do just that. I’m putting my foot down now & not discussing the issue with her anymore.
Thanks so much for all the advice & support. I’m now in a much better frame of mind. ❤️
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Mom are you trying to kill me?

If you don't get more care from LTC than you will be burying me.

Disengage completely from any LTC comments or conversations and lose the guilt, she has obviously perfected her ability to control you. She needs a village and that is how it is. Time to stop enabling the sense of independence that is just a lie, she isn't independent and hasn't been.

I told my dad that certain things needed to happen or I walk away and never look back. He is your age and is going to do it his way, cool you can do that and I can not assist, everyone involved has choices.
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Irish2 Jul 2019
Thanks so much for your words - I will be more forceful with my future responses to her.
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MY mother STILL doesn't need Assisted Living, or now Memory Care, certainly didn't need a walker and now SURELY doesn't need a wheelchair, how ridiculous! Regardless shes fallen more than 3 dozen times.....she can walk with no problem! It's OTHER, "lesser" people who need help.....she is still in fine form, regardless of the ugly truth. The truth has no place in her life, so it's not tolerated, no matter what. All the people in her Memory Care residence are NUTS and CRAZY, and she will state that real LOUDLY while in their presence. The lady she eats with PEES HER PANTS, dontcha know? Meanwhile, mother's Depends bill is $80 A month. There is no dealing with her. There is no room for discussion or argument. There is just the facts.....that she lives in Memory Care until either she passes away or her money runs out, at which time I will apply for Medicaid and place her in Skilled Nursing. It is what it is. At some point, logic leaves them completely and WE become the adults. It's time for YOU to take that stance with YOUR mother now. Enough is enough. And toss out the guilt card...you've gone above and beyond the call of duty. It's time to take care of YOU now!
All the best.
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Irish2 Jul 2019
Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate all the feed back I’ve had. You are so right on! Today my mother just exclaimed how diligent she is with taking her meds when today I caught her for the 3rd time since last Monday forgetting to take her noon meds but she never forgets - really?
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I would be truthful, tell her that is what is going to happen. You have more than paid your dues to her. I imagine that you have her POA. If not, I would take care of this.
Perhaps you should consider not visiting her every day, you might be triggering this thought in her mind. They seem to have a continuous loop in their minds, might be a way to break the loop.
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Irish2 Jul 2019
Thanks DollyMe! Yes, I am POA. Your words are certainly helpful. Thank you.
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Thanks so much! This is very helpful.
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An idea is to get your mother into respite pronto, preferaby at the facility you want for long term care. Best thing I ever did and this is the pathway to permanent placement for many parents with cold feet. This is a very good "try before you buy" aproach smoothing over the fears and apprehensions and she may very well decide this is where she wants to be.

If that fails, are you mother's POA for decision making? If so pull rank and make the decision because frankly, she is unable to make the decision wisely, she is incapacitated to see things logically. If she kicks up a fuss, say mother, the other option is to have your mind asssessed to see if you are thinking straight. Hopefully it doesn't have to proceed to that, but sadly sometimes people need to go that far to proceed. Someone in authority (a doctor) telling her how it is also usually does the trick.

The other option is to increase services in home. She has to pay for them if she has the money. Again, pull rank as someone with sound mind. If she has no money to purchase services to to plan A.
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Irish2 Jul 2019
Thanks so much for your input. Much appreciated!
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All so true! Thanks!!!
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