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I was single, an only daughter, employed as a nurse. But would have had to give up my job, my only source of income, and hire much extra help. My father had money but needed more care than I could give by myself. He was unhappy in the nursing home (a very good one, by the way). I didn't blame him. He was alert, well oriented, but very hard of hearing and nearly blind. He could not walk, eat or even toilet unassisted. Has anyone faced something similar? I felt angry at my brother for suggesting this to my father without consulting me and guilty for not willingly taking on the full responsibility for the father I loved.

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In this case, it's better if you get explore another facility and find a facility to see if the residents are doing all that well there. Your brother doesn't realize that it can be a full time job caring for a senior who shouldn't be left alone. I think he looks at this type of work as 'women's work'. So you have my sympathy. A care facility is less expensive than 24 hour home help.
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Your sibling is relinquishing the care of your parent to you. 24 hours a day! Pool whatever resources you may have (being a nurse means a lot of contacts) and move forward with providing the best care possible and have no regrets or guilt. Explore your options as there are so many. Find out what services your community provides to seniors and their caregivers. Research what aid your father may qualify for. It's silly to imagine doing 24 hour care by yourself. Only people who have never tried it would suggest you go it alone. Talk to your dad's doctor and include your dad in these discussions. The three of you together can come up with a plan. It's your dad who deserves a say about his future. The doctor can readily explain why 24 hour care with no relief isn't feasible for one person to tackle and move forward with other options. Work as a team and if your brother isn't available to be on that team that his problem, not yours.
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I tried to take care of my mom at my house when it was evident she could not be alone.

I couldn’t do it (and I’m retired). It was way to much. At that time she was
mobile but not very good. EVERY time she used the restroom I had to clean it and her hands and her clothes. There was feces EVERYWHERE. Don’t know how it got to the places it was. She asked about her pills constantly and although I understood she didn’t remember I already gave them to her she would have a fit if I didn’t give them to her. She fell several times and once I had to call fire department to help pick her up because my husband was not home.

There was massive amounts of laundry and she was picky about food. She also didn’t remember she had been fed. Every time I left the room she had a fit. She was very argumentative about everything.

Finally took her home and hired 24/7 help but it was very expensive. $25 per hour. We opted for 3 eight hour shifts so the caregivers would not get burned out.

Since we have finally placed her in a care facility. $3,500 per month instead of $18,000.

I would see who has Medical POA. Asked doctors for letters of incapacity then decided about placement in a home again.

As far as your brother I think some men (not all) still think that the caregivers roll belongs to women. Maybe that is why he volunteered you. You would really have to ask him. But I hope you are able to find help for your situation. Good luck:
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I believe with the problems your father was having your brother was acting out of caring and realizing the need of care in convalescent. You love your father and want to reach out to him. I just suggest you visit him and realize what his incompacities are. Also your brother also may not of been able too take care of him. Be thankful that he is in a good place. A lot of times older patients it is hard to adjust and in a convalescent. There would be dissatisfaction even if your brother could. When you see him talk with him listen to him and try helping to see some good things that are being done for him. You still always love your parents and the know
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I would let your brother know that you cannot and will not take on that responsibility unless HE does first for about 6 months without any other help. Sounds like your brother might want some money that would other wise be spent on the NH that your father is in, shame on him. But everyone is different and thinks that someone can do something that they themselves would never want to do. Keep your father where he is and let your father know that right now is not a good time to leave the NH and that he is better off there regardless what the brother/son says. then change the subject and go onto something else. wishing you luck.
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How can you possibly do this? It would be a nightmare, you don't deserve this. Think long and hard. Good luck.
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You have to want to do this. I am a full time nurses aid, and I love my Job, however its very difficult , if your heart is not in it , you will burn out real fast. Does his insurance pay for a caregiver to come certian hours of the day.
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Dosmo13 Sep 2021
Swnursesaid2021--I also worked as an aide before becoming a nurse. I could do the care, but... add the hiring and supervising of others, purchasing (or renting) equipment, managing doctor visits and insurance, trying to keep things running smoothly...I could not have done it well by myself. He was better off in a good, well-run nursing home, I think, than with me.
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This is where you put on your expert nurse face and say to your dad that your brother doesn't understand the extent of care he's actually receiving in the nursing home and that it isn't something you can't replicate at home. Dad has 24/7 care now with the entire staff of the nursing home available to help. They are also paid to do that job which is why they're able to do it. You, however, would not be paid, and will not be able to eat or pay your bills.

Just lay down some common sense, and that should take care of the problem. Just because you have a nursing degree doesn't mean you're Wonder Woman.
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Michelle2828 Sep 2021
awesome answer. straight to the point, and the absolute truth. (former RN here.)
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Imho, my own brother said "I won't do the out of state caregiving," leaving it up to me. It was very difficult.
Your sibling is wrong.
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If my sibling did that to me I would be livid! Fortunately I have a wonderful brother who would never do that. Before doing anything you need to talk to your father and your sibling. Tell your father that you need time to think about what would be best for him and you. Do not make any promises until you've had time to think things over. Then you must inform your sib that it was not their place to speak on your behalf. To expect you to provide 24 hr care for someone who is bedridden is asking an awful lot. Tell them that you are not going to assume all responsibility for father's care. Your father needs to be in a facility. If you were to try to do it all on your own you would put your own health at risk and you would never be able to have a life of your own. Tell your sib that he/she needs to step up to the plate and do their share. This means helping to find a suitable placement, financial support if needed and emotional support for your father. Do not allow anyone to put all of this on you! Good luck to you and your Dad.
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Him volunteering your services without proper consultations paints a picture of someone who thinks he has carte blanche with someone else’s life. The job, as we all know, is tedious and continuous, so feelings of guilt aside, make sure what the heart dictates and the economy provides. It’s certainly asking a lot from another person, and your sibling seems to be pretty good at offering the service of others but not of himself. Maybe he is swimming in money so he can contribute to the cause too, it is certainly easier with hard cash, specially from this sibling who apparently thinks his word is law. Pray for enlightenment but do not bring your guard down. Best for you.
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I would inform the brother to lead by example. You will volunteer equal to the hours He volunteers. As well he will be responsible for paying for the extra help.

As far as your father is concerned it is time for him to grow up. He cannot live on his own then he has to be in a nursing home or hire someone to help him. If you are giving up a paying position which you need to support yourself and your family he needs to compensate you for your time.
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That was just plain wrong of your brother. He should have offered himself, not you. You have no reason to feel guilty. As long as you are visiting your dad and making sure he knows he is loved, but that you cannot give up your life any more than your brother obviously can, I believe he would understand. I have seen this type of full time care devastate a family. If I were you I’d ask for a social worker to give you advice and look for support groups who may have great suggestions like this one! I wish I had solutions, but this is a good site for suggestions so I will pray that you see some good suggestions from those who’ve been through this. God bless you and your dad and open the eyes and heart of your brother.
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Bottom line if you and your siblings never discussed the “what if mom and or dad need home care” you’ll have issues and likely permanently strained relationships. It shouldn’t be a contest or pissing match over who is in charge and who participates in caregiving.

Am dealing with this firsthand with 2 siblings 15 minutes away from parents and I am 3 hours. Let’s just say they’re choosing to not help. Both have the time and ability.

Good luck but like I said if you didn’t discuss prior it’s going to be rough road filled with resentment and disappointment. Try and put your parents best interest and needs in front of your sibling issues for your own sake. Because you’ll feel better knowing you tried.
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My siblings were very happy to leave all caregiving to me. And it became too much, what started as a bit of help grew into a mess, not good or safe for anyone. So I drew my line about what I could and would do, and the rest was on someone else, either hired or volunteer. No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. It doesn’t change your love and concern for your dad.
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Michelle2828 avatar
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Michelle2828 Sep 2021
all three of my sisters did the same to me. you have to put your foot down, and let them know.
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Your brother is taking advantage of you, knowing that you'll likely 'give in.' His behavior is unacceptable. And tell him that. You need to stand on your own two feet and not allow him to do this. The alarming question is WHY would you feel guilt taking on full responsibility when there are TWO of you adult children involved in your dad's care. In other words, isn't it the responsibility of both you and your brother? Yes, it is.
* I'd feel angry too.
* What would I do. Hire an attorney if necessary.
* Get POA status and take over.
* Have witnesses to all interactions with your brother.
* His stance is disgraceful. "If" anyone would feel guilty, it would be your brother although he doesn't feel it. He would rather dump on you. Do not allow this.
Gena / Touch Matters
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My sister just did the same. She had already orchestrated/guilt-tripped me into coming home from overseas job to live with my parents. (Another story). Now they are in a very excellent home. We had them to my apt for dinner. My dad was sharing some of his complaints and she says, “….I’m sure if you don’t like it there, you could pay us to care for you.” WHAT??? I had already tried to live with them for 1.5 years and it did not work. We FINALLY have them settled…and she brings up an “option” that is NOT on the table. I learned my lesson. I called her afterwards and spoke directly. I told her I was NOT willing to do that. I told her she should not tell them options that are not there. I suggested she think about how you would communicate with kids. Her response, “I was just kidding.” Hmmm. I told her to please not “joke” about these matters. And if she must to please keep my name out of it. All to say, you aren’t alone….be sure you clearly state what you can/can’t do.
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Your brother’s playing you. He’s not willing to be inconvenienced so why would you be expected to manage a situation you can’t manage?

Tell your brother you told dad he’d be better off living with your brother. Male bonding. Men understand men. Brother is stronger to lift dad.

After he balks, tell brother to cough up the money for dad to have a companion visit dad at AL. He sounds lonely rather than poorly cared for and if you bring him home, you’ll be free 24/7 caregiver and entertainment.
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Oskigirl Aug 2021
Love it. I was going to say snidely, "Volunteer your brother".
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1 - Tell your sister that was not kind of her to offer your help without consulting you first.
2 - Explain to your sister and father that he needs more care than you could reasonably provide. If you tried, you would be burnt out quickly and then he would be back in a residential facility.
3 - Probe into why your father is unhappy in his current home. Maybe there could be some small changes that would make him happier. If not, please consider having him evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for depression. Many seniors suffer from depression and his "complaints" may actually be "cries" for mental health help.
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You did the right thing. I was in a similar situation, but gave in, and did it. It was the most physical & emotional draining thing I ever did. I'm still not over it, and it is two years since my Dad passed. My back is ruined, and now I have been given the same problem with my Mother. When it gets bad with her, she will have to go to a nursing home PERIOD.
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I understand you are feeling a bit guilty thinking back but you did the very best thing by discussing with your father and having him understand that though you loved him it was not feasible for him to come live with you. Likely your brother was somehow stuck in the past where women either didn’t work outside home or did it only as a hobby or additional income and not as a necessity. Also , as a nurse , of course why wouldn’t you be able to care for him — kind of like how people think that if you are a nurse you know everything about medical care no matter your specialty. ( I always told people I could answer their ON or newborn questions only lol). Also, somehow your bro didn’t consider how a lapse in employment might affect YOUR future and possible need for care .
You could wish tHaT you were able to have had the same kind of discussion with your late brother that you had with dad— write him a letter and then burn it , place at his burial site, or even send it ..then Forgive yourself and forgive your brother . Be at peace with your life and enjoy it ..
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Both you and your brother are in a very upsetting situation. People in difficult situations often speak out of turn and make mistakes. Don't hold onto a grudge, it only lowers your Immune system and can increase your chances of sickness and disease. it sounds like you are already stressed to the max. And holding onto agnry feelings, ultimately does not solve the problem. Forgive your brother and then have a serious talk about the options. One option: Does your father still have money? If so, use it to get him home care. If no, if you can afford it, split the cost with your brother( if he can afford it). Good luck!
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You might want to point out that offering someone else's labor without their permission is known as trafficking. That should end the discussion.
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The definition of a volunteer is
Noun: A person who freely OFFERS to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task.
Verb: Freely OFFER to do something.

By both of those definitions another person can not volunteer someone else to take on a task or do a job.

One of the people that you can be angry with is your father who being alert and well oriented wants his children to give up their lives and care for him.
You can be angry at your brother for not discussing this and not taking into consideration your feelings.

Put your foot down and say that you can not take this on.
Find a Skilled Nursing Facility that will care for him. Tell dad that you can not care for him, it will not be safe for you or him

You mention in your profile Assisted Living but you say he is bedridden. That is why I suggested Skilled Nursing Facility. If he is bedridden most AL will not take his as he would require equipment to care for him and I think most states so not permit AL to use equipment.
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Dosmo13 Aug 2021
Grandma1954- Think you confused my post with someone else's. I did not say Assisted Living. He was already in a nursing home receiving skilled nursing care around the clock. He was miserable, but he was not the one asking to move in with me. It was my brother's idea that he should move in with me.
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Just say no. Assert yourself! What are you afraid of. Tell your brother youwill sove
the problem by volunteering him to do the job.
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Just let him know you can't. Tell brother Father can live with him and use his own money to hire help or Live In to care for Dad at his house.

Nusing Homes are only if you have no loved ones willing to take you in.

I wouldn't want to live in one, they are always understaffed and if you're considered to be any trouble at all, you will be medicated.

A person is always happier and feels more love being able to live in their own home if that's possible.

Have Dad Hire a Live In or 1/2 Day Caregiver
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So many elderly will say they hate the facility where they are. That doesn’t mean they need to be moved out. They are often lamenting the fact that they don’t have the lifestyle that they previously had and remember. While it is difficult as the child to hear these complaints you have to toughen your self and remember to think with the head and not the heart. Guilty you say? No you aren’t. You didn’t create his health issues, you didn’t create his state of being unhappy. You are guilty of nothing.

I just read further down that this was a past issue and now both are deceased. I am not sure what advice you want from us, but perhaps if you are still carrying some remorse, you could benefit from some counseling to be able to work through it.
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So many elderly will say they hate the facility where they are. That doesn’t mean they need to be moved out. They are often lamenting the fact that they don’t have the lifestyle that they previously had and remember. While it is difficult as the child to hear these complaints you have to toughen your self and remember to think with the head and not the heart. Guilty you say? No you aren’t. You didn’t create his health issues, you didn’t create his state of being unhappy. You are guilty of nothing. What you are doing is making yourself feel responsible for these things and if you are realistic you will realize you are not responsible for it. You let brother know that this is impossible. Your dad is where he needs to be with eyes on him 24/7 and safety is paramount. Your brother is being extremely unrealistic.
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Nurses put in long hours and exhausted, and you cannot possibly care for him safely because you are away from home a great deal. You MUST talk to your brother you CANNOT care for him and speak frankly to your father you are not a multimillionaire who can just quit their job. Either your brother take care of him or he must stay where he's at.
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You are the only one who can volunteer your time.

Don’t feel forced - all these choices are 100% yours.

Your brother overstepped his bounds, but he was just trying to problem solve. Gently and firmly set him straight so he only speaks for himself going forward.

Dont make any apologies - this is your life and you get to choose it.
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