Hello all - my 87 year old mother has an Alzheimer’s diagnosis and is getting steadily worse. In recent months she has decided my husband is stealing from her, stalking her, you name it. I am an only child and we moved her to an IL building near us two years ago, thinking we could spend final years enjoying each other’s company. Not so. When I see her now, the conversation always devolves into attacks on my husband. And I. Can. Not. Stand it. Seriously, I no longer care if her brain is broken and she thinks green is blue and cats are dogs. I don’t care if she tells me multiple people are coming into her apartment and taking her things, or that ghosts come out of the vents and play cards all night in her dining room (all things she has said). I can learn to tolerate that, maddening as it is. But hearing her trash my husband makes my blood boil. I don’t want to spend rare free time from a taxing job dealing with this anymore. So I am wondering, is there any use in trying to set ground rules that we will not spend time together unless there is no such discussion? Or should we just stop spending time together at all? What have others done? Too often I see advice alon the order of “humor them” and “enter into their reality” or “come up with a fun and distracting game.” Not helpful, I’m afraid.
Her. Brain. Is. Broken.
What you choose to do with that is your decision. You can try to guide the conversation by simply not "hearing" what she says and talking about something entirely different as though the conversation was always on the other topic, but getting angry is pointless. She can't help it.
One thing I've heard of some people doing to get their loved one off a particular track is to get up, walk out of the room for a minute (or even just out of their sight), then come back in as though it's a whole new visit. Sometimes that works to reset them a bit.
Maybe it is time for an assessment and a move to get more care for her.
You DO NOT have to entertain the hatefulness that she is spewing about your husband, broken brain or not. If it creates to much stress and upset for you then you need to tell her to stop.
Her having hallucinations and delusions can be very dangerous for her and would cause me to consider a higher level of care. (Actually, if she's in IL, she's not getting any care). It might be time to consider assisted living at the least.
I am with you. I just had to block my mothers phone # on my landline to stop the nasty demanding and racist messages..
She spent an overnight at the hospital last weekend and took all 3 tv remotes with her to hospital because she thinks staff will steal them. My mother does not have AD but some dementia.
. Good luck
Well, in 1980 she was 50 and doing this, so no, I don't attribute it all to dementia.
Last year I went with DH (he was going to pay me $100) to keep him company while he once again fixed her computer.
She was just on me like white on rice. Nasty, horrible things. And there I stood, on a little brown throw rug she used for her dog. I was not allowed to sit down, I had to stand. After about 1/2 hr my back was screaming in pain. I asked for a chair and she refused, DH said "Crying out loud mother, let B have a CHAIR!" You have thought I asked for a pint of her blood.
Long story short, neither she nor DH wore their hearing aids and were shouting back and forth and it was really unpleasant for me, b/c in between their comments, she was slowly but steadily running me down.
The final moment came when she asked me when my cancer would come back and I would die...I couldn't believe this--WHO DOES THIS? I looked at DH and he hadn't heard her.
I got up, slapped her on the back and said "V, I am giving you the gift of your lifetime. I'm going to leave and never see you again. Have a great life". I took a Diet Coke out of the fridge (she had denied me one, but gave one to DH) and I slammed out the back door and walked to my sister's.
Haven't seen V in nearly a year and NOW Dh gets it. She picks on him, is mean and hateful---and has broken his heart. He begs me to come with him when he simply cannot deal with her, but I'm DONE. 46 years of kowtowing is enough, thank you.
Yes, NOW her brain is broken and there's not point in even talking to her. So why should I take myself into that toxic and painful place?? She's NOT my mother, she hates me and I don't need to have that in my life.
I can do this b/c she IS NOT my mother. My own mom? I pick and choose my visits, full well knowing she doesn't like me nor want me around. When she gets mean, I walk away. But I feel obligations--to a degree with mother that do not exist with MIL.
hug!!!!
If she is safe in her living situation, then you can stop visiting and taking all of her calls.
If you and your husband go over there and a rant starts up, walk out and leave. Then don't take her calls. Let them go to voicemail.
You're only a human being. At some point the viciousness and asinine ranting gets to us all. You don't have to be around it. If her behavior gets worse the housing will tell you and then it will be time for a nursing home. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about it.
Tell Mom you love her and want to visit as long as your visit makes her happy, but when she is not happy you will have to leave. Then do so. When she starts on the nonsense tell her "Mom, our visit isn't making you happy, so we will go and we will be back in a few days when you are feeling better". Kiss kiss. Hug hug. And go. And make your visits fewer and farther between.
NOTHING WILL CHANGE this. Her mind is broken. If she was once a happy and well adjusted person, then this loss is a tragedy to witness. It is one more loss for her in a life that will soon enough be ended after loss after loss after loss. It is sad. But it cannot be fixed.
Redirecting the conversation is about all you have. Maybe next time she brings up hubby's name, tell her you don't remember that guy. Or that he moved away years ago. I'm not sure what you mean by IL building, maybe Income based apartment?? If she is living alone and she believes all these things are happening to her, could it be time to put her in memory care or a NH facility where she can be observed throughout the day and night? Before wandering, leaving burners on the stove, etc happen? Maybe you could agree with all the things happening and tell her you found a safer place to live.
And about the rest, its the Dementia/ALZ. She may think your husband is someone else. Someone she doesn't like. They get something in their head and you can't sway them.
Thankfully my mother didn't get too bad with this. Before I knew anything about dementia, there were several times she mentioned some guy doing work on her place stealing from her (some broken jewelry she was going to cash in if possible.) Most likely she just misplaced it OR actually did cash it in and forgot! But I just listened and didn't really comment. Not too long after she accused my OB/family who had stayed there for a week visit of stealing her tweezers! Of all things, TWEEZERS! Again, I knew nothing about dementia and didn't make the connection until later when it was clear she had memory issues. I did question her as to why he would take them, being all of maybe $2 just about anywhere!
I bought her another one, to shut her up. Later, after we moved her to MC, I found THREE of them in the bathroom drawer and about 5-6 in a plastic container in her dresser drawer! During my learning and being on this forum, I connected those incidents to the dementia and realized these were early very subtle warnings. Of course it didn't make sense at the time. Hindsight!
This past week he became short tempered, fussing about everything and in general driving me up the wall. I noticed tonight that he hasn't been taking his morning meds. I ask him usually every morning and evening if he has taken them and he says yes. He has an appt with his dr in 2 weeks and I am going to ask about adjusting his meds.
He has been accusing me of stealing "his" money and blowing it. Every 3 months the statement comes in and I give it to him to go over in thM hopes that it stops the accusations. It hasn't. He talks to our children sometimes and when they tell him something that he has already been told he denies I told him. Or he says I told him something completely different. It's not going to get any better and I know how bad it can get since I went thru this with my mom and started caring for my husband during that time also.
I told my dr last week that I wanted to climb into my car and drive until I was forced to stop and rest. I don't care what direction, any would be wonderful and somewhere I might find peace. He puts everyone down, refuses to talk to anyone unless they come here or call for him specifically. I remind him to call his brothers and sister and sometimes I actually dial their number and hand him the phone as soon as they answer. They don't know I am behind his calls to check on them. I too am tired of the "humor them", "think like they do" info. My dr put me on meds for depression and said I need rest. Yes, I knew that but, how do I get it? I can't leave him here alone or he tosses things out and I can't find things. He won't eat if I don't cook or buy his groceries, he won't bathe if I don;t try to get him to and he will try driving even though he was told no more by the dr. Our kids work long hours and live 1/2 hour from us and have their families to care for. We have paid for our final expenses and told our kids DO NOT TAKE US INTO YOUR HOMES TO CARE FOR! MC with work just fine for us.
This past week he became short tempered, fussing about everything and in general driving me up the wall. I noticed tonight that he hasn't been taking his morning meds. I ask him usually every morning and evening if he has taken them and he says yes. He has an appt with his dr in 2 weeks and I am going to ask about adjusting his meds.
He has been accusing me of stealing "his" money and blowing it. Every 3 months the statement comes in and I give it to him to go over in thM hopes that it stops the accusations. It hasn't. He talks to our children sometimes and when they tell him something that he has already been told he denies I told him. Or he says I told him something completely different. It's not going to get any better and I know how bad it can get since I went thru this with my mom and started caring for my husband during that time also.
I told my dr last week that I wanted to climb into my car and drive until I was forced to stop and rest. I don't care what direction, any would be wonderful and somewhere I might find peace. He puts everyone down, refuses to talk to anyone unless they come here or call for him specifically. I remind him to call his brothers and sister and sometimes I actually dial their number and hand him the phone as soon as they answer. They don't know I am behind his calls to check on them. I too am tired of the "humor them", "think like they do" info. My dr put me on meds for depression and said I need rest. Yes, I knew that but, how do I get it? I can't leave him here alone or he tosses things out and I can't find things. He won't eat if I don't cook or buy his groceries, he won't bathe if I don;t try to get him to and he will try driving even though he was told no more by the dr. Our kids work long hours and live 1/2 hour from us and have their families to care for. We have paid for our final expenses and told our kids DO NOT TAKE US INTO YOUR HOMES TO CARE FOR! MC will work just fine for us.
I wonder why she's picked on him to be her pantomime villain? Is there another male figure handy you could have a go at substituting?
I would suggest a firm, clear, loud.
"Mother _____ is my husband and I depend on him to take care of ______while I am here with you. He's not doing the things you are accusing him of. If you persist in this, I will have to leave you and start spending more time with him to confirm that he is doing these things to you instead of spending time with you"
My mother is 94 and lives in Memory Care herself. She has moderately advanced dementia. I don't try to figure out the 'reasoning or logic' behind 'why' she's saying or doing the things she's saying & doing because guess what? There IS no reasoning or logic behind ANY of it! There is a brain dysfunction at work here, that is what's behind the madness, nothing else. So the main thing to do is this: Make sure mom is properly cared for and safe in her place of residence. Then figure out a plan to visit that won't cause YOU to have a nervous breakdown in the process. For me, now that in person visits have started back up again, DH and I go on Thursdays at 3 pm for up to 45 minutes, depending on her attitude. Last week we stayed a tad too long & things deteriorated after 30 minutes, so we should have left. Tomorrow, we'll play it by ear and leave immediately if/when things start going south. I bring her a few treats in a bag (or necessities or both) and we visit for a while, and then leave. I speak to her on the phone nightly, check in to see how she's doing and listen to how she's packing to go visit the dead relatives across the country, and then we hang up. She's safe & well cared for at the AL, and I manage her life from my desk at home.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan that works for you and DH when dealing with your mom.
Clearly she has some fixation about him, could be some imaginary figure, could be someone he reminds her of, but the bottom line is seeing him is a trigger. Best not to bring him along.
Secondary is knowing when to leave, if visits devolve into anything that impacts YOU. There's no reason to stay and get upset. Make excuses, bathroom, work, appointment, whatever and/or just leave. She likely won't remember anyway.
It might be best to get her into MC asap. It would be preferable to have someone else do the actual move, but since you're an only, that could be difficult. Any other family members, who might be willing to move her (anyone can move her stuff) from one place to another?
After the move, stay away several weeks, and return alone. It is possible that seeing you might still trigger the response, if her brain wiring still associates the two of you. Try to stop her, but if no go, leave. You could also try some fibs, such as playing dumb when she mentions him and asking Who? Or say he left years ago.
Hopefully it is only when she sees him, and he doesn't visit anymore, so it stops. Sometimes it isn't even a relative who does this. There was a woman in mom's MC that used to come up to me and say stuff, very angrily. Even the very first time! No idea what her issue was, or even what she was talking about, but sometimes it impacts them this way.
I struggled to break free from so much heartache.
Their delusional thinking causes so much anxiety for everyone.
In my opinion, I feel that there are many contributing factors regarding their behavior.
My mom seems to be much calmer thanks to meds that have been prescribed for her.
We have to utilize everything that is available to us for their peace as well as ours. Otherwise, it’s very stressful to endure the scrutiny placed on us due to their misguided reality.
Wishing you peace as you face this challenging situation.