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My mother is so use to me taking care of everything for her that she expects it. She will say sarcastically, "Oh it is good that you are so good at doing that." She has a habit of berating me to her friends and family all my life.
It is not as if she is grateful to have someone looking out for her or making her appts., paying her bills, ordering her supplies, taking care of a multitude of details, she expects it. There is not a shred of appreciation. She was diagnosed most of my life with depression and bipolar disorder and when I share more about her with others, they will say, it sounds like she is also narcissistic. If I ever try to share my feelings, she says "go home" and does not want to discuss it. I am 67 years old and I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude. It has scarred me.Thanks for your help and support.

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I haven't found a satisfactory answer yet, I'm afraid. My mum is the same; she ticks all the boxes for narcissism. We have a church friend who is busy but makes time most weeks to cook lovely meals for several housebound ladies and deliver them to their homes. Instead of being grateful, my mother just goes on and on to us and my brother about how tired she is of fish pie. And she was the one who, when we were growing up, was mad keen on good manners and keeping up appearances.

We think my mum may be depressed and possibly have early dementia, and wrote to her doctor about it, but when we went in all they did was take a blood sample.

I'm not even 57 yet and don't know how I'm going to manage another possible 10 years of this without getting mentally ill again myself.
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If she is not grateful - you stop. It doesn't sound like she is incapacitated - let her figure it out.
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Pamble1958 Feb 2020
That's what we did. My mother doesn't like it much but I'm loving it.
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Would you like to stop taking care of your mother's needs? This is a serious question. Really think it over.

Often we feel as though we have to meet a loved one's needs because they can't be met by somebody else. But actually, once you work through the list of requirements, everything almost always CAN be done by someone else and it becomes a practical matter of recruiting volunteers or paid services.

The thing is, your mother expects you to do all this work for her - and work it is, call it by its name - and gives you not even thanks or appreciation in return. But you know that this is her attitude. It is not going to change. Persevering in the hope that one day she will fall on your neck, embrace and bless you is... sad.

So. WHY are you doing this work?

If it's because you want to do it, regardless of your mother's attitude, then go ahead but change your expectations of her.

If it's because you long for it to lead to a mutually loving and supportive mother-daughter relationship - then change what you're doing, and work on building a relationship with her that is less damaging and exploitative.
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helenb63 Jan 2020
I would personally like to stop doing most of what we do, but we feel that it would be selfish of us as we do have some form of duty to care for our parents in old age. Also, to be honest, we are slightly afraid that refusing will make us look bad and cause ructions with my brother, who - as the golden child - does far less than we do but isn't really in a position to do much more because of work and a dysfunctional family.

We got carers in when we went on a long holiday and Mum threw an emotional scene saying she was so unhappy and wanted to die just because she thought my husband was never going to take her shopping again. She complains every month about paying them, even though they are probably on minimum wages.

I have actually accepted that my mum's attitude to me will not change, though it's hard to undo the damage her narcissism did to me when I was too young to understand why she acted as she did. I don't think we're sad but we are certainly a bit cowardly. I am trying my best to find a way forward that will meet some of all our needs, but it isn't easy. It's easy to say 'build a relationship that's less damaging', and it's good advice, but I'm not a therapist and don't know how to do it.
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Sometimes we just need to walk away, let her hire a caretaker or go into AL. She will not change, it appears that she has complete control of you, this is a dangerous thing. You do have a choice, let this continue or take a stand.

I wish you the best.
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" I am 67 years old and I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude. It has scarred me."

How old is your mother? She doesn't live with you, right? How far away is she, and how many times a week do you have to do things for her? How many hours in a week does it take?

My mother in unappreciative of what I did for her, too. She gave me her car (Blue Book value $3K), and for that expected me to do all sorts of driving around for her. No gas $. She wouldn't let me do things like grocery shop for her (which would have been easy to do when I did my own grocery shopping). No. She had to come along and pick out every item, check every expiration date, etc. It took HOURS...

I set limits on my driving (to weekly Mass, medical/dental appts., one shopping trip/week), and she didn't like it at first. But she adapted.

When I mentioned payment, she got angry and practically hissed at me, "You don't pay family!" She said my time wasn't worth anything. One time she ordered me to do something that involved Internet research, and I suggested my most do-nothing brother do it. She did her crying/shaking/shaming/blaming number on me. "NO! *HIS* time is valuable!" (This brother's time was so valuable that he went 5 years one time without seeing my parents and was heading towards nearly 2 years without seeing my mother when this incident happened.)

Do you feel like this, too? Honestly, I remember something going very still inside me when this happened. It was yet another part of a wall going up inside me. More distance between us that I felt was necessary to protect myself.

BTW, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I, too, lost my son, almost 9 years ago when he was a young adult. And you are so right -- this is a loss one doesn't ever get over!
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helenb63 Feb 2020
Thanks for sharing your experiences. My mum hates paying for care or taxis and also thinks we should do it all for nothing. Isn't it odd how the less-present 'golden child' isn't expected to do as much... my husband is expected to drop everything and drive mother to all her appointments but worries endlessly if my brother drives the 46-mile round trip to see her because 'it's so far and so tiring for him'. My husband also rarely gets any petrol money, whereas Mum - clearly a pensioner - still pays for a cleaner for my brother's family, who earn about USD 90,000. (I don't want her money - just pointing out the odd way she sees things.) I have built a freelance business from scratch over 20 years, but it's not a real job in my mother's eyes, unlike my brother's work.
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Dr. Les Carter has a great series of videos on YouTube regarding handling the narcissist. May give you good ideas on how to deal with her.
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Laurellel Feb 2020
He is the best! So positive and practical and professional. Unlike so many self-described "experts" that just feed the anger and anguish of those who have to deal with a narcissistic family member. He has saved my sanity.
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Do what you do out of love without regard to receiving anything in return.
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helenb63 Feb 2020
I don't think it's about receiving anything; most of us don't expect that. But neither should we have to be subjected to a barrage of abuse of friends, carers, anyone really - and sometimes of us personally. All we want is to provide the care we think we owe our parents without its causing damage to our mental/emotional - and then physical - health. After all, if we go under, who will help them then?
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Please accept that the only one capable of change here is you. Sadly, your mother cannot change, if this was possible it would have happened long ago. It’s great that you still have a desire to be of help to her, now you have to decide how that will need to look in order to preserve your own mental health. Just because she has an expectation of something doesn’t automatically mean you must meet that expectation. Do only what you feel that you can commit to, no need to justify or explain yourself, don’t be baited into arguments, do what you can and then leave. Answer the calls you want to handle, nothing more. You’re a fully grown and capable person, deserving to make your own choices and not be berated. She can’t appreciate you, so appreciate yourself. Make time for activities and people who bring positive things into your life. I wish you the best
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Harpcat Feb 2020
Fantastic answer!
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My mother had severe agoraphobia, and often was unable to be “like other moms”.
I often resented her absence when I was a kid, and as I recall, I was a VERY TOUGH KID to raise, which no doubt made things worse.
She herself was from a family of 7, and there was always some dear aunt or uncle to fill in the gap when she wan’t leaving the house, sometimes for months at a stretch.
My father was my closest companion, and I doubt that that helped her too much either.
When he died, as her adult daughter, many of his tasks fell to me, and over time, she and we began to grow closer. When she was 90, a badly broken hip and vascular dementia made her my dependent. Although I took care of her for a year at home, I understood by then that she wasn’t able to monitor her own conduct, and although my life was exhausting during the 7-8 years she was more-all care, I was willing to deal with it, I guess feeling grateful for the fact that she did begin to express some feeling for me.
Tough situation, no matter who’s on what side. A chronic complainer is never ever really happy.
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Your Mom has trained you to do what she expects of you. You are now yourself going into your latter years, and you have lifelong reinforced your Mom's expectations of you. It is not going to be easy to change the dance when you two both know the steps to this particular dance so well. There is generally "some benefit" to the person who "does for" the other person; often it is only in being seen as the devoted one, the good one, the saintly one. And in being able to tell the story and have people's pity. If you truly want to change things at this late stage it will be enormously difficult and would take a GOOD professional psychologists helping you all the way to set some limits, gain some self esteem that is not dependent on your Mom, and move out to make some friends independently and get some joy from life. I am so very sorry you are so miserable and I wish you all the luck in the world going forward.
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keepingup Jan 2020
Your replies are always wonderfully practical and kind at the same time. Exactly what a caregiver needs to hear.
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When it gets toxic, step away and get grounded. Stop the toxicity from spreading. It sounds like you can leave and go home. That is a blessing.

A few years ago I put a stop to the berating. Mom was loosing her independence but her complaints increasingly focused on me. I talked to the ones she complained to. I asked them directly to tell her to stop. If they passively listen and support these false narratives, I explained it was hurtful to be on the receiving end of all blame as the daughter taking care of her business. For example, I would experience her complaints, then she would call around to see who would listen again, then I would get a call recounting it again. This wasted my energies.

Even when it came to doctor's appointments about her health. We were not at her doctor's appointments so she could complain about me. Partly it was cognitive decline but also in line with her personality. I had to ask the doctor to do the cognitive assessment tests rather than accept her complaints as family stress.

I had to become more involved over time with her daily needs when it was clear she was giving things away inappropriately or being influenced into questionable arrangements. I felt an obligation because she is my mother to protect and find the best care for her, but have realized there is a limit. When it comes to bad behavior, don't argue. Learn to walk away.
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nitsirk9898 Feb 2020
This was very helpful to me. This is what my Mother is doing. Then her friends call me to talk about it like I’m the one that is doing someone wrong. It’s so frustrating, I’m exhausted! All my visits with her turn into an argument. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Go First, you've got to remove yourself from daughter and into caregiver mode. We spend so much of our lives trying to make our parents happy.
Now that a caregiver is needed, you need to go into a caregiver mode and emotionally remove yourself from daughter mode. You are the capable adult so take the reigns and do as a caregiver should.. Not as a daughter should. If no one likes it, do as a caregiver could. Step back and let someone else do the job. Caregiving is a thankless job. Don't let ANYONE control you. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. It certainly works for me. Good luck to you!!!
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Tina03 Feb 2020
Think of her as a tenant in our home...that is what my husband and counselor told me. MIL lives with us and I continue to do her wash, clean her room and bathroom, take out trash and supply her with ice cubes. But I’ve come to the point that “working on a relationship” is not healthy for me. MIL is unwilling to do her part...it’s all our fault, she’s innocent and won’t change her mind.{this isn’t a reply to flowerhouse1952- I was in agreement with your post. I don’t know how to repost it...}
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bpearl, your mother sounds very similar to mine. I'm 63 and my 93 year old mother is likely narcissistic. My best advice is to set boundaries and slowly enforce them until they're in place and then don't waiver. It takes time and you have to be one step or more ahead of her. Make it clear to everyone that you are her caregiver and need their support. I have a strong support system in my husband, sons, friends and family who also help me when she tries to drag me into her drama. Learn about how to deal with a person who is like your mother. For instance, don't confront her and agree with whatever is reasonable and acceptable to you. Rest and rejuvenate and sort through feelings you have about her and how she can make you feel (these are deeply ingrained since childhood, but learn to recognize when she's being unreasonable). Learn to detach from her as best you can and set limits as to what you will do and won't do for her. I've learned that there is no point in sharing your feelings with my mother. Narcissists don't see you as a person, they see you as an extension of themselves to do their bidding. For example, my mother will call me a "martyr" or "childish" when that is exactly what she is! It's laughable sometimes and humor can help you through this. You've gotten lots of good ideas here, and I wish you the best. I come to this site often to renew my spirits and see that I'm not alone. Remember, you have a life that you deserve to enjoy outside of your caring for your mother. Thinking of all here who do our best to make sure our loved ones are safe and healthy. Happiness is their choice and comes from within.
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keepingup Feb 2020
YuYuhYuYuhavYuYuhYuYuhave outlined a narcissist and the steps to deal with her beautifully. Detachment/Boundary setting was the most difficult but necessary step. Your natural human reaction is to respond. That is where support becomes vital. And knowing it's your right to take care of yourself as well. Such smart people on this site!
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Women have been treated like second-class citizens thruout history.<Fortunately things are changing>- a bit too slowly, for sure.Boys are idols and girls are servants and, for millennia, women have bought into it too. Don’t take it from anyone anymore!! History will be on our side. You do what you can; Mom thanks & respects you for it OR you hire help & step away. Your life HAS to come first.
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anonymous912123 Feb 2020
This is so true, the part that bothers me the most is that women still buy into this platform.
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ok...you are reaching out here tells us you have had enough. That's the first step to change but only you can decide what that change will be. If you only complain and do nothing in the way of changes, then all you are is a complainer. Don’t be like your mother. Sit down, reflect, involve your husband and decide what is absolutely necessary to do, and what can be done in a more reasonable way that is to your benefit. Your mom has had her life and it sounds like she’s made your's miserable. Only do what you can so that you don’t jeapordize your health. You actually have more control than you realize but you’ve acquiesced it to her. Take back your power. Let us know what changes you are making. Also, see a therapist if you need help to set boundaries and deal with toxic behavior.
this book is a start by psychologist Dr. PAUL Chafetz called Loving Hard-To-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents. It’s a thin handbook and worth buying on amazon. It will help you understand her behavior and how to deal with it. He also does Skype sessions.
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I agree with some of the other posters...it is time to stand up for yourself.  Remind her that you are 67 yrs old and that this is getting to be a bit much.  Tell her that you will still help her with certain tasks...(you need to pick what you want to do..if anything) and that she needs to hire out the rest.  Tell her you're tired and need to start taking care of yourself.  She might be surprised if you stand up for yourself and take the reigns back.  She might say some hateful things, so be prepared, but stand tall and realize that you are in control of you.
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If she's really that narcissistic and toxic, step away. If you need her appreciation and acknowledgment, walk away.

Im not certain why you would think she'd change at this stage. She won't and you know this.

If you want to do the right thing and keep on taking care of her, then suck it up and know it's never going to change.

Sorry, but you've really enabled it too long at this stage.
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CTTN55 Feb 2020
"If you want to do the right thing and keep on taking care of her, then suck it up and know it's never going to change."

I disagree that bpearl has to do the "right thing." Just because you sacrificed yourself and your health to your mother, doesn't mean that everyone else has to (or that it is the "right thing" to do). bpearl has been emotionally scarred by her mother, and in my mind the "right thing" is for her to step back from her toxic mother.
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My Dad passed in '87 . I had to give up my job to come home and help my Mom ,because she'd cracked a vertebra trying to get him out of the chair. So for a while I had both of them, then after my Dad died I had to take care of my Mom full time,though initially she was capable. She was on oxygen, and the hose was fully able to get it to the toilet and tub, and of course I offered any help she might need. But no, after years of showering suddenly going to the toilet and showering became claustrophobic to her. If itd been necessary, I would gladly emptied her bedside commode, and helped her shower with bars and a seat, but no, so I emptied it and kept her wiped off. So, her hair didn't get washed, she went dirty, though I offered practically every day. She ordered her meals like I was a waitress, and one time threw a plate of food at me. I was ready to die...I couldn't leave the house, except for her, I couldn't do things with my daughter or husband, she wouldn't allow it unless specific people stayed with her. She's been gone since '96,and I still have ptsd symptoms. Now I'M becoming like her in so many ways, though I've encouraged my daughter to get out and live, which she has done. Is anyone out there still having mental symptoms of self hatred and destructiveness?
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
I struggle but I sought therapy. I have a ways to go yet. Have you spoken to anyone?
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So sorry for your lack of support. Seems you mom is self-focused so much to the extent that she can not appreciate you or your efforts. Do what you need to - taking care of her. Also, do what you need to - taking care of yourself. Seems a little more balance in the direction of self-care: time with your friends, time doing activities you enjoy (probably without mom), time to yourself... would help keep you from burnout. Your friends and caring family will let you know that your efforts are appreciated, even if mom will never express it.
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I think that's what I would do---Go Home. You don't mention if there are any other siblings, or how old or disabled your mother is. What keeps from handling her own affairs? Not that it changes much. Some here will probably tell you about establishing some boundaries and limitations. Some parents would be like this and not have the mental health issues your mother has. I've read for a long time about how we have to take care of ourselves to the point it is nearly cliche...but you know what? Illness will sneak up on you; your resistance wears down, and you will/can get sick. I'd be deciding on the limits, like I'll be there one day a week, get the bills to be paid, take her shopping or to appts made only on that day and that's it.
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Unfortunately if she has any dementia, this disease removes the person's ability to reason and often whatever issues they had prior to dementia only become worse.
I can count on one finger the times I have heard thank you or please from my father.
He like most others with dementia cannot feel much except anger when you try to explain things to them.
Keep doing the best you can. Watch some Teepa Snow videos on dealing with dementia.
Hugs and prayers lovr
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Take a deep breath. Repeat.

We do not OWE our assistance to anyone not appreciative - we do not OWE for the privilege of being born.

That said, one reason your mother may talk down about you to her friends is due to being embarrassed that she is needing so much help and doesn't want her friends to know. However, this does NOT excuse her being toxic to you when you're alone with her.

In your place, I would tell her that since she isn't happy with me, she can hire someone to do all the chores you've been doing for free. You deserve to be happy too.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Love your answer!
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I have the same situation, my mother is a true passive aggressive narcissist, she now has Parkinson’s at 78 and lives with my paraplegic 46 yr old sister. I am disability retired and moved to their city to help. I have hired 3 rounds of caregivers and they quit within hours from my mothers abuse. I have been going around the clock with appointments, medications housekeeping and they both mostly complain and it takes a toll on my health. I haven’t had time to find my own doctor here in town as I can never get them situated. My mother says she’s getting me back for running away when I was 13, I never moved back, that was 40 years ago I didn’t even remember. She’s chased off all the other family members and says they left bc my sister was disabled. I ran away bc she was abusive and berating. I’ve been watching a lot of you tube videos on passive aggressive people and it seems to help, I’ve taken a break the last week. Otherwise it’s 24-7 of crisis that could’ve been avoided. This is a great topic, we can’t be the only ones. Also there is a book, Dealing with a difficult older person/parent.
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My heart goes out to you. I am enduring the very same thing with my mother. Plus, my husband is in early alzheimer's. I am 70, and she has lived with us for 5 long months. I wake up in the morning just as tired as when I went to bed. Nothing I do is good enough. All I hear is "When are you going to do __________? You forgot _______! I have learned to walk out of the room and go do something else. There are plenty of chores. I do cry alot. This morning my husband told me things would get better. How? They will both get worse healthwise. One of my close friends who was a caregiver for her grandma and then her mom told me I was my mother's and husband's angel. So I keep thinking that, and I sing encouraging songs to myself and pray alot. Just remember you're not alone. We all pray for each other.
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Seems like so many of us are caring for the same mother. Wouldn't it be a story to tell if we could get them all together for a day in the same room?!!
As for me, I wake in the morning resenting Mother. I go through the day trying to understanding the tapestry of her life. At night I fall asleep sad knowing that she is too old to change and scared that my feelings will transform me into her when I am where she is now.
Mostly, I have resolved that she will never just give her love to me as she is incapable. So, I try as best I can to tell myself this is a job. I just take care of business. It's not easy to detach emotionally like that, but I have come to realize it's a way to shut down her covert narcissistic behavior. 😐
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Mjustice98 Feb 2020
Amen
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To start, when someone calls you to share nasty comments that she has said, you need to put a stop to that. Nip it in the bud and tell them that you don't want to hear it any more because it is hurtful....you are doing the best you can....you have already heard similar comments directly from the horses mouth and they hurt the first time, too. Turn the tables: Tell them you believe having others around more often to help her out and talk might get her in a better mood and ask if they could schedule any time to spend with her. More than likely you won't get any more reports (or help) from the callers.

If you think about it, the people who decide to tell you something negative that someone said about you are being as mean as your mom. Birds of a feather pretty much sums that up and I don't think you need any additional birds in your aviary right now. Figure out what you will say so you are prepared for the next call.

You're already aware of her past diagnosis - both explain her current behavior. Does she take meds for these problems? You might need to ask the doctor, via phone call or email, prior to next visit so he can talk around this area. Maybe meds can be adjusted.

When she tells you to go home, do you go? Or do you fall into the common trap of apologizing for what you said and you remain with her. Next time, go home when she tells you to. Trust me, she really doesn't want you to go home because that leaves her with no one to be negative with.

Perhaps talk with a counselor to help you find better replies to things she says. Someone told me about using the statement 'That may be, however....' when someone tosses out a totally different subject when they don't want to address the problem at hand. It acknowledges that they tossed the comment out there, but reels you right back into the current issue.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Excellent point!

You reminded me of a “Go home” story with my kid. When my oldest daughter was young she was friends with the child next door. This kid was a couple of years older. She was four, an adorable blonde with curls and blue eyes. I swear she looked angelic!

My daughter was two and just as cute! The neighbor kid would go for the jugular and loved seeing my kid cry when she told her to go home.

I tried speaking to the child’s mom but she wasn’t one that wanted to hear about her child’s behavior and acted like her daughter was a little angel and my kid was overly sensitive.

They were kids that wanted to play but had lessons to learn. I wanted to give them a chance to work it out.

So, I had a little chat with my daughter. I explained that her friend next door got a kick out of seeing her cry when she told her to go home after five minutes of playing.

So I told my daughter to invite the child to our house and when she tried to bully her that she had my permission to tell her to go home. She did! Sure enough, the kid tried to bully my kid and my daughter knowing that she had my permission said in an angry voice, “Go home!”

The kid freaked out and ran to me crying and said that my daughter just told her to go home. I looked at the kid and said, “You heard her. She asked you to leave so leave, so go home. When you learn not to tell her to go home, you can play again.”

The next day she asked if my daughter could play over. She never went for the jugular again! She never told my kid to go home again and my kid did not come home crying because she only got to play for five minutes. They ended up being great friends!

Oh, her mom, she ended up telling me that she was embarrassed to have a bratty kid and did not no how to handle it. She said that she was so glad that my daughter told her daughter to go home and that she was the one crying that day because that was the only thing that stopped her bullying.

The neighbor child was the kind of kid that always had to have her way. She did not know how to take turns when playing a game. If my daughter tried to take a turn she would order her to go home. Her mom tried to tell her to be nice but she wouldn’t listen.

Kids are trying to find their place in this world and it takes time for them to learn. Parents have to learn too. We can read a million books but parenting is a challenge.

My second daughter was strong willed like the neighbor kid who is a very smart 33 year old woman in the business world today!

They are a challenge. Some of their strong willed qualities take them far in life but they drive us crazy as kids! Hahaha
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Hi Helen,
Maybe I shouldn't ask this here, but I noticed your British spelling of mum, so just wondered if you are British :)
Anyway, your post registered with me on several points. My brother is also the golden child in our family (just the two of us). I was over at mum's from Thursday night til Saturday. I went over to give her some potatoes. She had called earlier in the day on the Thursday to say she was almost out of food I was going shopping with my friend and offered to pick up what she needed and that was what she told me. I had also been there last month and she uses paper towel to cover the bottom of the kitchen window at night because the blind broke months (maybe years) ago and hasn't been replaced so I took a pair of curtains that I no longer use over as well. I doubt they will ever get put up as she never uses anything I give her even when she's ecstatic about getting anything. Why my brother, who lives with her can't put drapes or a towel rack (that I gave her several years ago for Christmas) up I will never know. He's never held a job, I don't even know if he got his grade 12.he has had MS since he was about 40) He's great at authority but not responsibility. I'm the one that feels responsible, as the oldest, but I don't have the authority to do much because mum always defers to him. He's good at telling her what food is downstairs (in fact, he brought up a bag of potatoes around the time I arrived.) But he only lets her have whatever it is when he decides she needs them. There is so much I want to say about this last visit, but here's the crux: I offered to take her and drop her off at the grocers and then take the cab home (I can't drive--now she wishes I could, or had a boyfriend that could.) well she hemmed and hawed about it until it was too late. We ended up sending out for chicken and I stayed another night. Saturday, my brother finally decided to go to the store. He freaked out because he couldn't find the shopping bags. Swearing and yelling at me and mum. Anyway, after he left mum said he was upset because he couldn't sit in the living room when I was there. And tried to convince me that he and I have never gotten along (we do now). But I have never said I didn't want him in the living room and that that was his problem, not mine and I have often talked to mum on the phone and she's said she's alone so I've asked if Mike was out and she's told me he's in his room. She won't knock the door and ask him to come out and be with her. That's been the problem, our family was just four people sharing the house.
I try to help mum now but my brother steps in and undermines everything I do. The last few days has seemed like roller-coaster. I want to get off but except for changing my phone number and/ or moving far away I don't know how. I've tried not calling her and turning the phone off but I can always expect a call or one more missed call (it's always her) except perhaps on the weekend, but that isn't true all the time anymore. I'm 63 and not trained to deal with this!!!!!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
So sorry, Helen. It’s so hard.
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Get over it, or get out.
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Davenport Feb 2020
Oy, that's harsh. True, but there are a thousand steps between getting over and getting out, and every single step is he**. In my experience.
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Dear Carer,
I can sympathise with you totally, i had the same experience. For your own sanity just do what you think is right but take care of your own wellbeing also.
if you ever want to talk i will keep in contact with you.
when she says go home, then go home once you know she is safe, fed and watered and takes her meds. That is all you can do!

sue x
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You are not the only one who is going through this. I took care of my grandmom for 30 and plus years. She did not lose her wits until about 101 or so. We did not lose her not because of her age to everyone s shock, but to negligence and indifference at a nursing home which claims that they are still the best. My grandmom raised me so I sacrificed not raising my family. In fact my wife divorced me because I was putting lots of attention to grandmom. I loved her a lot. Now I am going through the same thing with my mother who seems to alternate from normal to dementia sometimes, but who also curses me. When she is ok she is able to reason. When she is not she talks even about witches and hallucinates. The bottom line is that as long as their blood work and everything else in their body is stable you can relax and breath, but if they are sick you have to move fast and find an explanation for their illness. I know everything so far about my grandmom and mom. I can tell you that it does take work, persistence and a lot of sacrifice. I am alone now, but I still have my mother whom I love also with all my heart and soul the same like my beloved grandmom. You just need to remember that when they act funny it is not them it is the illness that is affecting them mentally. It is not directed at you. Dont take it personally. Love them the way you always did and ignore those comments that they make. No one else will take care of them better other than their own family. If you put them in a nursing home you will have a nightmare with those insensitive people who claim they work there, doing nothing, and who care only about the money that they get from the insurance companies.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Was it worth losing your wife? Your life? I don’t understand this.
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