What do you say when you are given a gift card and that 20.00 suddenly makes you an employee in the eyes of the giver?

Question

What do you say when you are given a gift card and that 20.00 suddenly makes you an employee in the eyes of the giver?

Follow

Share

How do you deal with being treated like an employee because you were given a gift card as a thank you for your contribution to a needful situation? I am utterly stumped how I should respond to the gifter of this 20.00 gift card when I have done what I have because I saw a need and I felt like I could help when I did not see anyone else stepping up to take responsibility.

I have spent untold hours, many miles on my vehicle and usually 2 meals paid for by myself on the days I am helping my friend. A full day every week for months now.

Now her family thinks that they can tell me what I need to do, how I need to do it, multiple times a week demanding that I do errands and all because they gave me a thank you of a 20.00 gift card. When I tell them I am not going to do it, they tell me that I have been paid and I need to do what they tell me, not even giving me the courtesy of asking.

How do you respond to the shear absurdity of this? I love my friend and I don't want to abandon her, but the multiple demanding texts and calls daily are just over the top. Is this normal in anyone's experience?

Thank you for sharing how you would address the nonsense of being viewed as an employee because you were given a 20.00 gift card.

Care Decisions Caregiving Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

82 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2 3

A gift card is not a paycheck. As an employer they should have taken out taxes, worker's comp, medicare, etc. Oh, maybe they consider you an independent contractor and can boss you around. So where's the contract? Maybe you should demand health coverage and a savings plan. This is really bizarre. Friend or not I'd tell them to buzz off!!

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

It is not my friend, it is her children. I do a full day every week because she was going down hill from the isolation and none of her 5 kids was helping her.

Yeah, being considered an employee because of a 20.00 gift card, given specifically as a thank you has really thrown me for a loop. It is definitely screwy thinking.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Unreal!!

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

Give the gift card back. This is absolutely bizarre!

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

How do you return a digital Amazon gift card?

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

It is absurd! I was bringing food at my own expense, my own family started demanding more, telling me I should be cooking it at home and not buying it out! Not offering any money whatsoever for gas, food etc. Telling me when to go, now! When the other family was telling me he could get his own food, feed himself, that I should not come at all. And my elder was saying, yes, come! And you all might wonder why I sound c r a z y !

That is why I had made it a point to never receive money for the care giving that was thrust upon me through default. The family did pay me a large amount once after a day of deep house cleaning, done out of love. I tried to return it to the POA person.

I stopped cleaning after that, mostly because I could not physically recover from the pain of over-exerting. And, it would have been unspoken, "she will do it!".

The whole circumstance was one hot mess for 4 + years. I could never tell the story here, as I was referring the families here to educate themselves on caregiving issues.

There were 3 sets of adult children, 6 in all telling me what to do.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I have never done one thing that they have ordered me to do.

(7)

Report

I understand your doing this for your friend, but you can't continue under these circumstances with this family. Return the card or the $20, plus tax if it applies.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I agree. I am trying to figure out how to return an Amazon gift card sent via email.

(0)

Report

Enlighten them with a piece of your mind?

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

ITRR-I agree with peace416. You should return the $20 and tell them you did what you did because you care for your friend, and will help again IF and when you have time.

What nerve these people have ordering you around. I imaging you still want to keep in touch with your friend to see how she's doing. Otherwise, I'd suggest you tell her kids to go pound sand, and take the $20 and stuff it where the sun doesn't shine.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

The thing is that they are not helping her.

I can't just walk away and not worry about if she has groceries or anything because her kids are whacked.

(2)

Report

"I can't possibly do that" comes to mind.

"I'm being paid? Am I a W-2 or 1099 employee?"

"Here is the phone number of a careging agency. Please use your mother's funds to hire her the help she needs. I can only be available to visit one day a week, when my schedule allows".

Helpful Answer (12)

Report

I can't throw my friend away because her kids don't have a brain cell between them.

She needs transportation she is healthy and active, she doesn't need a caregiver.

(0)

Report

If your schedule Allows.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Um. I think I'd give it back, with my compliments and a polite note saying there has clearly been a misunderstanding.

PS Is there any possibility of there having BEEN a misunderstanding? Might anyone in the family have somehow got hold of the mistaken idea that you are your friend's paid caregiver?

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

I'd be tempted to write up an invoice of all your time and expenses and hand it over along with the gift card. And block their number.

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

Fine minds think alike.

(3)

Report

See 1 more reply

I’d say that clearly there’s been a misunderstanding on their part, you’re a friend not an employee, and it’s unfortunate they’ve mistaken the two. It’s sad that users are everywhere, I’m sorry you’ve had this experience

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Thank you. Yes, it is so sad that people that are not even helping are doing things that make it difficult for the one person that helps her.

Her cousin told me that I was the only one that she could count on to help her.

Makes me very sad for my friend.

(2)

Report

I'm sorry you feel that you feel that I am your paid caregiver because of giving me a $20 giftcard as a thank you for helping my friend and your families in a time of need. If I would've known that by accepting your gift it would give the impression that I have been paid for my past and future time and expenses I would have never accepted your "gift". Please advise as to where and to whom I should return this gift so there are no longer any more misconceptions about the situation. I am not your employee, I am her friend who visits her and helps her when I can. Send as a group text to the demanding ingrates and see what happens next. Could it be that your friend gave the impression that she was paying you? When MIL moved in with us told her senior club friends she moved in with her son and this is my girl who takes care of her 🤦‍♀️. Another scenario is maybe something fishy going on with your friend's finances and someone is skimming funds from her under the guise of paying you? That's the reason for a group text, everyone on the same page, getting the same info at the same time, no he said she said. Or even worse, they fear that you will want compensation after your friend passes and some of "their" money will go to you. Some people's ignorance, arrogance, sense of entitlement really irks me. They either don't want or can't do for your friend but expect you to bow to their demands. If demands and orders continue, that's nice that you want me to do xyz. I'm sure you will figure out a solution to this, I have too much on my plate at this time. Can't help stupid.

Helpful Answer (12)

Report

Takincare, I never thought about someone stealing from her. That is actually a real possibility with her two kids.

Thank you for bringing that up.

I have tried to explain that I am not going to be able to do what they want done. I am talking to deaf people apparently. They acknowledge what I say and turn around and send an email or text telling me that I need to pick her up or go to the grocery or.....

(1)

Report

Really! Tell them that a $20 gift card as a thank u for your help, does not mean your at their beck and call. If it does than they can have the card back. I would also tell them that the two meals u buy for your friend on the day you are there, cost you at least $20. You already use a day out of YOUR week to be there for a Friend.

Say what you said here, you saw a need and because it was a friend you did not mind helping. You took the Card as a thank you gift. That does not make you an employee. And if it does, you have already worked off that $20. Tell them it would have cost them more than $20 to hire someone a day to do what you have done. Guess that saying fits in this situation.

"No good deed goes unpunished" Stick by your guns. Do you feel comfortable in telling ur friend what is going on?

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

I didn't take the card. It was an email notification. I would have absolutely refused it if they would have handed it to me.

It is funny that you mention the 20.00 paying for the meals that I buy her. I don't get out of a restaurant for less then 35 bucks a pop when I take her. She eats like she is starving and then takes the leftovers from both meals. I am happy to do it, I think that I would worry that she isn't eating properly if I didn't personally help her get groceries, bring her homemade frozen dinners and take her to eat.

I truly wish that everyone had someone that cared about their wellbeing and was willing to step in the gap.

Oops, she knows some of what is going on, but I really do not want to get involved where her children are involved. She loves them and she only sees them through that love. I am hoping to find a way to keep them away from what I do for her.

(3)

Report

Since it's a friend, and you've been helping out......it's a sticky wicket you find yourself in. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd say that I'd be happy to help out if and when I can, but ONLY if and when I have time. That while I appreciate the gift card, I consider it a 'thank you' and not payment for past, present and future services rendered. That anything you do for this friend is out of sheer willingness to help out, and that you only have a very small amount of 'free time' now each week/month (or whatever) to devote to helping out. Let most of the texts and calls go unanswered, once you've explained your limited availability. They should get the hint eventually.

And no, it's not normal behavior at ALL to give a small token gift to someone and then expect all sorts of services as payback! In fact, my DH once cut down a bunch of tree branches for a neighbor after a storm when the neighbor was out of town. When he returned to find the tree taken care of, he gave my DH a $40 gift card to Texas Roadhouse as a 'thank you'. He didn't start telling my DH what other chores he could do for him in return! LOL

It's too bad they're taking advantage of your kindness like this.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I kind of wonder if the card given meant that. I doubt it. It was just a gesture of thanks. Unless they said "I want you to take Mom to the doctor and this is what I am paying to do it." To me it was just a gesture. I don't think the gift card is the issue unless they said "Here's your pay". I think the problem is OP is knocking herself out, and becoming tired of doing it all. So I say just bow away gracefully and say "I just don't have the time to do this" or, if you want to, then do it, whether you get the occassional card card of GIFT card or not.

(5)

Report

See 2 more replies

Give them the gift card and do nothing further. Block their phone numbers.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I can't walk away from my friend until one of these bozos steps up.

She needs assistance and I refuse to walk away from her needs because her kids are whacked.

How do you return an Amazon gift card that was sent via email?

(0)

Report

You see, this comes under the file "Lessons I have learned".
When you do things for people you expect thanks and gratefulness and all that stuff, but the REALITY is that when you do things for people they come to EXPECT that A) You are doing this because you WANT to and B) It is a given: this is what you WISH TO DO.
So now the question becomes WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Because as Dear Dr. Phil always says "You are getting something out of this" and I don't mean a 20.00 gift card which has very little to do with any of this.
Here is what I would do. I would say to the giver of the card "I so appreciate the gift of the card. That was lovely. But I do have to tell you that I am just not going to have the time going forward that I thought I had. I just wanted to warn you that I will no longer be available to BLAH BLAH BLAH".
End of story.
I will tell you a little story. I had a friend who had a girlfriend (gay couple). They were living together and my friend was the "caregiver". She earned the money as a nurse for the household. She took her friend everywhere, did everything for her, including the cleaning and the cooking. Then, suddenly, my friend became ill. And that girlfriend of hers? She marched right on out of the house. My friend went to a therapist who set her straight the cheap and honest way--honesty. She said to my friend, "You know, YOU broke the contract. This was the contract. You do everything, and she lets your adore her. Now you want HER to do something? That wasn't ever the contract".
So I will tell you, you wrote your own contract. Now, don't sign up for another tour unless you want a "thank you for your service" and a 20.00 gift card here and there.
Wishing you the best going forward. Do only those things you WANT to do for your own reasons, whatever they are. Stop doing them with expectations going forward. And chalk this up to a wonderful lesson. Life is full of them.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Not sure if she does it to be appreciated or a thank you from a friend. It's nice when you get a thankyou and be appreciated for it but I have never expected it. I don't think OP does either. As she said "she saw a need". The GC was a nice gesture, but that's all it was. I learned long ago not to volunteer. For some reason people think that means your willing to give up all your free time. If asked, I do, but I don't feel it obligates me. I believe "what goes around, comes around". Hopefully I will get rewarded for the good things I have done, if not thats OK.

(4)

Report

See 5 more replies

Flipping unbelievable. I’d suggest that you flat just ignore them.
Anyone who thinks a cheap gift card means servitude is beyond having a conversation or reasoning with.

ITRR, I’ve gotta ask you.... to what biz was the gift card? Target? or Tractor Supply? Please share!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

😊

(0)

Report

See 2 more replies

The only thing I wonder is, if your friend has somehow given the family the mistaken impression that she is paying you??

Then it's a misunderstanding that can be unraveled.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I thought about that and actually have asked everyone involved if they understood that I was not being paid and I was acting out of my love for their mom.

Three actually said we are the ones that are paying you, we know that mom isn't giving you money.

I did say that I don't consider a gift card given as a thank you qualifies as any type of payment for what I have done.

(3)

Report

See 2 more replies

A teaching moment.
You could say to them, "While I do appreciate the gift, in the future you (all of you) might want to give your time and money to your Mom to help her yourselves."

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Quite frankly, I don't appreciate the "gift". It has strings that I never saw coming.

I will not be communicating with any of them. I will help my friend weekly and avoid her family like the plague.

(5)

Report

Calicocat may be on to something - the consensus that you have been paid and therefore owe them your time is definitely weird and I can't see even the most delusional people as seeing $20 as adequate compensation for even one or two tasks let alone payment for a continuing commitment. I think I would ask for some clarification about this "payment" just to CYA in case something funny is going on. And keep the gift card, your friend may have asked them to do that for you and even if she didn't the amount isn't enough to stress over.

Just coming back to add - if some of them have been lead to believe that you are being paid that could be a reason they don't feel a need to step up.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

They weren't stepping up. I watched for 3 months while this dear woman waited for her children to help her. It didn't happen.

I will continue to help her weekly, because she needs it and I love her. If they ever step up then I will deal with the situation for what it is.

Thank you for your input.

(2)

Report

ITR don’t use the Amazon credit or redeem it. Tell your friend what you can do to help her within your limits is free because you care.

Break contact with the manipulative family.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

My friend knows that I don't want any money. We have had the conversation because she wanted to put gas in my truck a couple of times.

This stupidity has not changed our weekly outings. They just want more and I don't have any more time to give. She never asks me for more than our weekly day, she has only changed the day 2xs because she couldn't get her doctor to schedule her for our regular day.

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.

(2)

Report

Manipulations always suck, and It sounds like you're in the midst of manipulations that involve a VERY outdated "employee pay rate."

Using a counseling perspective, another possibility needs consideration-->
Your friend might be manipulating everyone. She might be claiming to you that her family refuses to help whilst telling her family that you're a lonely person who is insisting upon helping. Her objective within that family system perspective would be to make all feel guilty while generating sympathy from everyone.

You wrote, "I am hoping to find a way to keep them away from what I do for her." Which presents a LARGER problem, your thinking that she is neglected when she is likely perfectly fine, perhaps pretending to be starving, to visually manipulate you into thinking she is desperate for help, thus far it's working out quite nicely for her, lots of sympathy and free restaurant meals.

Another red flag waving fiercely is shown thru your later response, "I can't walk away from her until one of these bozos steps up. She needs assistance and I refuse to walk away from her needs because her kids are whacked."

Maybe your friend is manipulating you into believing that her kids "are whacked." while manipulating her kids into thinking that you're "whacked." It seems, she is getting lots of attention from the entire situation.

Unfortunately based on my counseling experience, your situation has a VERY HIGH chance of getting worse; typically this type of situation warps into accusations of stealing and/or accusations of some sort of abuse.

In the end you'll need to get out of that situation, which means you'll need to realize that you're the only solution to your friend's situation.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Keeping them out of what I do for her was referring to them NOT asking me to do things outside of the time that I already spend.

If she needs a ride to a doctor's appointment, she asks me if I will take her. Her kids will call or contact me and tell me that she needs to go to the doctor and I need to get that set up and take her. That is the not their place to direct me on behalf of their moms appointments, talk to your mom, she will ask me if she needs a ride.

I suppose that you can believe that people are all up to no good. I don't believe that she is manipulating the situation. I have been friends with her for close to 25 years and she doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body.

She is a widowed woman that decided that she should not continue driving because she didn't want to have any accidents or hurt anyone and she truly believed that her kids would help her with her basic needs, that's all she was hoping for.

I offered to help her when she told me that she had to cancel another appointment because her daughter forgot to pick her up, she didn't hustle me or manipulate me in any way. She was sharing her situation with her friend.

Thank you for your input.

(2)

Report

I agree...ask them what exactly do they think $20 covers.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

As for returning the gift card. Did you contact Amazon and ask them? I understand you can't just let her starve. Have you called Adult Protective Services? I would do that right now. If you go down for any reason, car crash, illness, etc. There is no one to help her.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Searched Amazon web site, gift cards are nonrefundable but if you call customer service they may be able to return card to original purchaser. If not, use it on your friend. She may enjoy some new body wash or lotion, adult coloring books and colored pencils, a new throw blanket or slippers, that way she can have enjoyment of a special treat and you have the invoice showing their "gift " was used on their mom. Really sounds like something fishy going on with her kids and claims of them paying you when they're not. Does your friend have access to her bank accounts? Is she able to put groceries away if they are delivered? May be a fun way to kill some time on your next visit if she has access to her credit card. I know this is just one more thing on your plate but could you get her signed up for meals on wheels? At least she'll have something to eat if you can't get over there every week. When they sent you the gift card via email did they write anything such as thanks for helping mom? I would also keep all texts and emails from them along with your replies that you are not an employee to protect yourself. They may be stashing funds preparing for Medicaid, telling others you are being paid, win for them, they have extra funds siblings have no clue about, bad for you, uncle sam is going to want to know what happened to his share. You will be able to clear your name but it will be easier with messages to back it up. Karma will come to bite them in the rear when they get older, they are teaching their children how to treat and care for others. Keep loving your friend and visit her when time allows, know you are doing the right thing. Try to ignore her kids demands, take her to the grocery store answer with have groceries delivered. My pat answer for SIL when she made demands was that's nice ie I want you to do xyz, finally asked me what do you mean that's nice, told her it was nice she wanted me to do things on top of everything else I was doing for her mom's care. Told her want in one hand 💩 in the other, which one is going to fill up faster? Didn't hear any demands for about 4 or 5 days after that. Feel for the situation you are in. There are those that give and those that take and suck the life out of you, you are a giver who sees a friend in need and is there for her out of love, not recognition or financial gain.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I don't read into this that your friend is manipulative as screenname has suggested. I think she is a lonely 90 yr old that's family choses not to help. Its sad. And if anyone believes there is a God, he has put ITRR in the woman's path. I have a friend that if she only had $1.00 to her name and I needed it she would give it to me. This woman has not had the perfect life. I have told her that I wonder what she did in her former life to deserve some of the things that have happened to her. She is the one friend that if I called her at 3am in the morning she would come running. She doesn't know the word No. I so hope that when she finally needs help that there are people waiting in line.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Thank you! You are correct, she is not manipulating anyone.

I do feel very blessed that I am able to help her.

Regardless of what anyone thinks I do this strictly out of love with no expectations of anything in return.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

Thank them for their generosity on behalf of your prior help. Then set some boundaries. Explain that you help your friend because you are her FRIEND. Explain that you help when and where you can. If the family sees other needs to be taken care of, they need to make arrangements to do so. You are not being paid and if they bring up the gift card, send them $20.00 and explain you can't keep this in good conscience.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

It has been said again and again.

I have very good boundaries. I am to busy to be run around. They are not getting it and I don't want to have to get ugly.

I don't want my friend hurt.

(1)

Report

Caller ID. Do not answer calls from anyone but your friend. If one slips through you could always say "I'm sorry. That won't be convenient for me." and hangup.

People can't take advantage of you more than once without your consent.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

They haven't been able to get me to do their bidding, I am just curious how to get them to stop trying and what others would say.

Thank you.

(1)

Report

Just quit taking calls from the children. And if you happen to talk to them and they tell you to do something else, just say no. Not available. If they bring up the pay, tell them the $20 said 'gift' card not employee payment. Continue to visit your friend and do whatever you want to for her, but ignore the children's demands.

This is crazy

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Yes it is!

Thank you.

(2)

Report

1 2 3

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

What do you say when you are given a gift card and that 20.00 suddenly makes you an employee in the eyes of the giver?

82 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions