What does your PWD do all day?

Well, you don't have to convince anyone, just say "I've had enough figure something else out".

Seems the DIL gets stuck a lot of times, the husband can distance himself easily when someone else is having to do all the work.

How about senior day care 3 days a week? She can blab to others there and you will get a break.

I know many women who just can't shut up, they talk non stop, it drives me batty, peat and repeat, I have their stories memorized, fortunately I do not have to live with them and honestly I wouldn't.

"Complainers (noun):
Making their issues seem more important than everybody else's
one excuse at a time."

Try this one (with a friendly smile) on your LO:

"Sorry. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints."

Well, do what hubby does. Walk away.
Surely there is a group somewhere you can find, whether knitting, sewing, quilting, bible study, book club. Just about anything. If not, volunteer (just not at a Nursing Home where you will hear lots more of the same!!!)

I am pulling your leg a bit, but you will have to take care of yourself here; clearly no one else will. Let them all know what times, hours, afternoons, days you will be gone, and go. To movies alone, out to eat alone, to the zoo, beach, woods, photography class, college class, even a nice quiet library where I love to catch up on newspapers. Have a "ROOM OF ONE'S OWN" where no one can disturb you. Sew kimonos there. Do crafts. Write the next great memoir". Sound proof it and lock the door.

As to the complaining? What else is there for them? There's no upside and they are losing things one at a time. My brother said of his assisted living that it was like a commune. Each self -absorbed and wanting to argue how things should be, each complaining about their own aches and pains or complaining about food or that Irma wants the shades up and Maria wants them down. TV too loud of not loud enough. And on they go.

Whatever brings you joy--cooking class--ANYTHING. Find it. And see to it that you have at least 24 hours of it a week, no matter at what hour.
Zumba. How about Zumba?
Sit in the park and people watch. Foster animals.

Good luck, Thinking, and tell us what you find out there in the world. My city is loaded with museums. Makes me LONG for the dark woods. I am wishing you the best. Even a 30 minute walk can turn your head round. Honestly. I promise you.

Your profile says she suffers from a Dementia. If so, not much they can do. My Mom was an avid reader. Used to say if she ever came to live with me, she would be happy with a room ogf her own and a pile of books. With Dementia she lost the ability to read a book. Never a game player, not a crafter or liked puzzles. And once Dementia sets in, can't be taught.

See about Adult Daycare. I had my Mom in one 3 x a week. Monday, Wed and Friday. Then I placed her in an AL where she could wander all over inside the facility and have some socialization.

You could do what I've been doing for a long time. Tell her that you're done listening to her complain and talk crap about others, and if she can't stop then she can go sit in her room. Then ignore her.
Why is assisted living or memory care not an option? It's always an option.
Why should you have to deal with her? She's only your MIL. Tell your husband that there needs to be some other arrangements made for her. Like she goes to adult day care a few days a week. Ot he can sit and listen to her, and you go outside. Or go hang out with friends, or whatever.

If she is living in your home, then you absolutely have a say in how she is to behave in your home. You're not "just the DIL". Can always suggest to MIL that since she's complaining so much, she might be happier somewhere else besides your home.

It seems common that when a mother or MIL moves in, she immediately expects to be in control. Doesn't matter if her kids are adults. In her mind, she's the mother and you are the children. At the very least, she sets the tone. As someone one here says: A house cannot have two queens.

Barring that, do as your husband does and walk away.

When my mom drives me crazy I think about how this can not last forever and that someday I will thank myself for showing compassion to an old woman. I also think it is likely that someday I will drive my daughter crazy and I pray she will be compassionate with me. As for the moment…I change the subject gently to “wow did you see that beautiful red bird? Or how about a little walk outside?….often that does the trick. Good luck. This is a tough job with a definite ending.

Take turns “sitting outside”.

"I'm just the DIL and can't convince anyone of anything."

We'll come back to that.

What can you do? You can only change your own behavior. I can't tell with 100% certainty. Is she living with you in your home or are you and your DH living with her in her home? Either way - there ARE things YOU can do to impact this situation. But you have to be willing to commit to it. For the long haul. And decide to what extent you are really ready to do this.

It seems to me that your DH - HER SON - is escaping while you are the one that hearing all of her stories. Is this true of other caregiving tasks? Are you the one that is her primary caregiver? Is this just about entertaining her? Or are you the one that is always with her so you are the one that hears everything because you are there- while he finds other tasks to occupy himself so as not to have to deal with the tasks that have to do with his mother?

The answers to those questions will impact how you approach your next steps. But high level - YOU can change your approach. YOU don't have to be the one that is with her. YOU don't have to be the one that is responsible for entertaining her. She is NOT your mother. She has a son that is perfectly capable of seeing to his mother's needs and when he starts to leave the room - you stop him and say "I am going to do X, Y and Z. You stay with your mom for a while." or "Your mom needs X, Y, and Z and I'm busy." It does not have to be your responsibility to take care of her. Wherever you are living - her home or yours - HE had a hand in making the choice to be there and he owns responsibility for ensuring that his mother's needs are met.

Now as far as "just the DIL." I don't know...maybe I'm a bulldozer. Or maybe menopause just hit me a certain way. Or maybe our personalities are just different. But when something impacts MY life, I believe I have a say in it. I may not have the full decisioning powers. But I also don't have to sit back and keep my mouth shut and not get a vote either. No, she isn't your mother. But it sounds to me like you have somehow become at the very least her partial caregiver. And that makes you invested. And while you may not be able to "convince" anyone of anything (and who exactly is "anyone"? Your DH? His mother? His siblings?) that does not mean that you have no power. You have yourself. You have the things that you contribute to her care.

People often don't realize that when they are doing something for someone else - with nothing in return - that it holds value. It holds power. When you do things out of the goodness of your heart, people will take advantage of that all day long. They will take for granted that you will ALWAYS do it. And that you will never speak up and say that you can no longer do it. And they will progressively expect more and more from you. But you do have a voice here. YOU can stop doing what YOU are doing. If you are her caregiver, if your DH doesn't provide her care...if you stop providing the solution....what happens?

We say here often - if you stop being the solution they will have to find another one.


Good luck from one "just a DIL" to another!

This negative thought behavior is only a symptom of a chemical change in the brain. I am not a scientist, but I have researched this enough to understand it. Taqi kynan, is a chemical released in the brain when there is minimal stimulation, same atmosphere, and little mobility, among other factors. This isolation and atrophy allow negative thoughts and behaviors to become the new norm. Research has shown it to be present in solidarity confinement, and during original covid-19 isolation duration for example.
There are neurological medications to treat this, I have not considered for my mother at this time. However changes in tastes, smells, location, music and positive stimulation are proving extremely helpful in my situation.
If any of this is possible, I recommend it. If only calming music is available it might improve. Read to them. Change the subject. Tap into previous interests and be creative.
What do you have to lose other than your own sanity.

You can get proactive and ask for Adult Protective Services to evaluate her and present their findings to the family (or those who care about her). Since there is a big mood swing, I would ask her to be evaluated for Bi-polar.

If you're on this forum, you're much more aware than most. My MIL was bipolar and schizophrenic...........if I knew then, what I know now, I believe I could have steered her to a better place to live out the final chapter of her life, because I wouldn't have dumped her off and left her to become a zombie.

Day care sounds wonderful.....if you can afford $100 per day (insurance doesn't pay), and then there is the problem of a 2 year wait once you get on their waiting list! Simply not gonna work for some.
I have a set routine I do with my sweet husband. Breakfast, then a dice game where he has to count up the points (I encourage him to keep score, because it really doesn't matter who wins). Then he has a choice of coloring, dot to dot, or stickers. He can't make a decision, so I put all three in front of him, and assign each a number (1,2, or 3), and help him get started with that. Once I have him started, he's usually good for a little while although after 7 what is the next number. . Yes, I have to pick out a couple of colors from the crayon box...he can't decide what color, plus he is now having trouble identifying colors. In the afternoon, I have him read a little to me. He doesn't retain anything, but I think it's keeping his mind working just a little. He can set the table for dinner if I put everything out on the table. Anything I can find for him to do, as he is always asking if he can help. I have him fold sox, wipe down the windowsills, shred old papers I no longer need, put away silverware from the dishwasher. Just find something he can't hurt himself on. I know it takes effort to find busy work for him, but at least you have a few minutes of peace of mind

Hire someone (cost I know) or call any friends or relatives of hers to sit with her for an hr or 2. Take the help of anyone that offers. So wish I took my own advice, lost my mom in late February, at age 69 to Early onset AD not genetic. 4yrs (1.5 yrs bedbound) while raising children preschool to high school aged.

My sister's activity of choice is crocheting.
She would be content, I believe, to sit in her chair making slppers and placemats 14 hours a day. (A bit OCD about it).
It is good brain exercise, but it will be a sad day when she loses this ability. She can do word search puzzles sometimes, read sometimes...but not often any more.
We used to do large piece jigsaw puzzles, but she seemed to get nervous and annoyed when I'd try to distract her from her crochet. She is happier doing what she wants, so be it.
Her PCP requires she takes a break from crochet each hour to walk in her apartment hallway (prevents her from getting sick in that repetitive loop).
I do require she help me with simple house hold chores...folding clean laundry, washing dishes, dusting furniture. She never thinks to do any of these things on her own any more, but she is capable of taking direction and does a good enough job of it with a little supervision.
One of her favorite OCD things (when on her own) is rearranging contents of the freezer and refridgerator. Today I arrived to find she'd crocheted liners for inside refrigerator door - ha!
I feel lucky, and am happy for HER, that she can still find and feel some purposeful activity to her days.

ThinkingOutLoud: You, too, need a break outside. There wasn't much that my legally blind mother could do. I kept her entertained listening to Lawrence Welk.

Portland Water Department? Philadelphia Water Department?

What the heck is PWD?!

Test

Could the person go to adult daycare at least a few days a week? It would probably be good for both of you.

One thing I've seen, both with grandmother and now husband with dementia, is that things that might have seemed deathly boring when they were younger are suddenly capable of helping them focus on something for hours.

My late grandmother (a dear sweet person -- her dementia just made her sweeter, although she reverted permanently to the world she inhabited at about age 8) spent her last couple of years sitting by the window watching hummingbirds come to the feeder and other birds pecking at seeds on the ground. That is truly all she did. When it got dark she watched whatever was moving around her and then went to bed.

My husband now can't concentrate on anything complicated so he's started reading trashy western novels on his Kindle (print can be made large, background bright). I recently discovered that he's read the first book in a series at least 4 times. He doesn't remember doing it before. Maybe that's a secret advantage of memory loss: like a small child, it allows a person to do the same thing over and over and be entertained each time. Otherwise he naps or watches TV game shows at a volume that nearly blasts my eardrums out. I have to wear those noise-reducing ear covers that people wear while guiding airplanes in.

But I do think the gossip and complaining would drive me outside to sit beside hubby. Somebody below suggests crocheting. If you could find just one thing (like my grandmother watching birds) that would focus her attention, maybe it would give you some relief. Otherwise -- could you wear really good ear plugs and just occasionally nod or say "Oh, I see" while she's talking? Or does she expect full participation in her gossip-and-complaining?

There is a thread to help with acronyms and definitions. Sometimes it gets lost. But PWD will be added.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/do-you-wonder-what-the-heck-all-these-acronyms-are-470966.htm?orderby=oldest&page=4

In the early stages, my mom was energetic as always & she had no hobbies (except books & volunteering). She was unable to entertain herself. With dementia she couldn’t read her books anymore. So I took her in the car a lot for ice cream, out to eat (you don’t have to spend much, just a cone or go during Applebees 1/2 price apps, etc). She went on every errand, we went dog walking (eventually in a wheelchair), to picnics (also cheap w/food from home) & I just looked for 1-2 activities a day. It kept her having fun & free from restlessness. I had kids at the time & we visited every playground we came across, we fed ducks regularly & just looked for inexpensive, fun for all activities.

My PWD (parent who's dingy) watches The Sound of Music, does word search puzzles&complains she's tired all day.
2 days a week she goes to a senior center respite program and really enjoys it.

It's very true that people with dementia often tell the same story and ask the same questions over and over. Their minds go into a loop. Sadly, people with dementia are also very dependent on others for stimulation and entertainment. If you have a safe, protected place (out of the sun and wind) where your MIL can sit outside, that might be an option if the weather is mild. Not good in extreme heat or cold, of course. My mother with dementia liked to listen to classical music. I got her a radio which we could tune to a good channel for her and just left it on. It was calming. TV is also a possibility with movies and nature programs that are not frightening. Up to a certain stage with her dementia, my mother liked stuffed animals, and liked to look at pictures in magazines and books. If your MIL can still do things, you can give her simple tasks like folding towels. Don't try to correct her if she doesn't do it well. People with dementia have difficulty learning new things, due to their short-term memory loss. My mother was in a memory care facility where they brought in people to play music and sing to the group, do simple exercises, do art, etc. But these are not things the residents would do by themselves. If there are adult daycare programs in your area, perhaps your MIL could attend. This would give you a break and might be interesting for your MIL. Give yourself some breaks so that you don't get burned out. All the best to you.

My wife of 47 years does nothing all day but lay on the couch and watch TV. She has a commode next to her so she doesn't have to go far to use the potty. I fix her breakfast EVERY morning along with giving her , her meds. I have a great group of friends who have volunteered to sit with during the day while i am at work. Some of them have nursing experience. She still thinks that she goes to work. She hasn't worked since July of 22. She is now officially retired at the age of 68, but she doesn't know it. I'm still adjusting to doing the housework, cooking, laundry, bathing her and of course , Shopping. I try to remember to do some PT with her, but i don't always do it as often as i should. I just try to keep her as comfortable as possible. Her short term and long term memory are very spotty. I really thank God the peace that that i have in the midst of this strange situation. I don't like to use the D word around her because she gets upset when she hears me say it. She is not aware of the constant repetitive questions that she asks each day and in every conversation we have. I try very hard not to be annoyed, but there are those moments. This is the first time that i have put this in writing, and it feels good to let someone know who can understand my situation.
I know that I'm on a journey of discovery about her situation and also mine. I know that i have grown more these past months and am grateful for the level of maturity that has increased, but sometimes i wonder, am I able to do what must be done to take care of her properly. This forum lets me know that I am not alone.
Along with the mental issues, she also has a stomach ulcer. She is scheduled for an Endoscopy to check it out next week. By the way, I'm just starting to learn some of the abbreviations that are used on this site. Well, it's time to empty her commode before I go to bed. What a life.

When I’m staying at my mom’s for my one month stint I sit with my mom no more than half an hour a day. That’s all I can handle. Im not capable of worrying about her having activities. She interacts with the aides and watches TV. That’s it. I worry about what needs to be done so she can live ‘independently’.

Same goes for my dad at the nursing home — no more than half hour visit. The NH has activities but most days he seems to prefer staying in bed. He’s old and if he wants to stay in bed that’s okay too.