What has been helpful to you in overcoming anxiety or depression in caregiving?

Time and time again, we see postings about siblings that don’t help the primary caregiver. This is sad but I think it’s helpful to let the negative emotions regarding this matter go.

We can’t ever change anyone else’s behavior. We can focus on getting additional help when needed. That is more important than trying to receive help from siblings who may or may not be able to help and choose not to do so.

Sorry Need,
I didn't see your reply. Things have been crazy here.
We went to my friend's salon/spa. Various places have them. I really did find it relaxing!
I also live for a hot bubble bath. I light candles and our exhaust fan is also a bluetooth thing where you can play music so I like to listen to music.

I am a very rational person, and can be surprised by alternately my lack of emotions, or intensely excessive emotions. This during the roller coaster of mom's dementia, which we are grateful to see ending with her passing last week ( yes - of course its sad, but all of us are at peace, and can begin to heal after 18 months of mourning, guilt and helplessness).

To help my rational self deal with my irrational emotions, I wrote this little poem (which I posted elsewhere in this site). I keep copies in various places...

Feelings Are Facts.
Just let them Be.
Observe them & Respect them.
They have their own Cadence.

Please feel free to keep it, use it and share it!

***** Best wishes to all of you, dear wonderful people, you have been a great help to me during these past 18 months of the dementia journey. Thank you ****

Get involved with a caregiver support group. In person if possible. Also, take time for whatever brings you comfort. For me it is music, dogs, and soft blankets

Need: After my caregiving ended, I sought short term psychiatric help with short term medication. Not only did I have to care for my mother out of state, but I also had to plan her funeral and market/sell her home. There was a point where I just shut down physically and emotionally after people came back to her home and my DD took over making coffee and pastries. The moral of the story is that no one is perfect. My Dear Daughter found this forum for me while I was an active caregiver!

Ativan,,, when my Dr learned my folks were moving in, she said "girl you are going to need this",, and sometimes I did! Not always,, but just having it was a blessing

Exercise, meditation and CBD..............sticking to a regular schedule of eating and sleeping, and obtaining an education on this website.

The short answer is:

* Do not try to push these feelings away, rather invite them in. Feel through them . . . process through them which is with awareness and acceptance. Then, they move, transform, relax, know you are there listening to them (and they thank you by easing up). ... or get on medication (too).

* It is the resistance, numbing out that adds fuel to that fire.

* Give yourself breaks. Real breaks. Sit down. Turn the music on (or not), get comfortable and sit with all your feelings - without judging them.

* Get up and out - M O V E

* Be self-compassionate. Talk to yourself as if you were your own loving, unconditional loving mother (or father). You need to be your own best friend.

* Every moment is different... nothing that worked 10 minutes or 10 days ago may work (to relieve stressors/mood change) now. Be present in the moment and know it is within YOU to heal.

I am doing this myself. Anxiety and depression, separate, mixed together is challenging to say the least. Know that each moment is an opportunity for HOPE and ACTION. Even non-action is often the 'best' action. Sit quietly. Breathe.

Personally, I 'see' that many of my responses / feelings have to do with resisting WHAT IS and not feeling the GRIEF that is lurking / stirring inside. Be with it is what I try to do ... as much as I feel exhausted and sad / grief stricken. Humbling myself to life and 'what is' ... being in the moment ... knowing when i need support and get it (from within and from others) ... all this makes a difference.

FIND pleasure in little things. I am very fortunate in that nature illuminates my being - trees, wood, earth colors... that beauty is ecstasy to me. Find these moments - these jewels that bring a sense of calm and beauty to your inner world.

Gena / Touch Matters

What you guys say is so relatable!

I struggle with anxiety and depression and in this years-long stressful quagmire I do make sure to exercise, grab moments of fun no matter how small, etc…etc…and it is a constant conscious effort . I still feel barely afloat .

Promised myself an electric assist beach cruiser bike when this was over, then developed dizziness. Hormone based for sure but I also know it’s from years of caregiver stress. I said to myself, right, that’s more than enough sacrifices ….to hecka with it….so yesterday I ordered the bike! One can pick colors for the bike so I set out to make it look like a duck. This was the best self created problem ever. Spent some evening free time looking up mallards and playing with colors.

Not the most fiscally responsible move but if I’m dizzy I can still run some errands with panache. I figure how bad can the day be overall if I’m riding a duck bike. First thing I’m going to do with it is ride to the store, buy flowers, a bottle of wine, and a baguette, and stick it in the front basket for the ride home.

My future vision was riding a beach cruiser around a village but with the stress related issues I’m keeping my promise early.

So yes fresh air and a bike that looks like a duck is my depression/ anxiety strategy!

I've been caring for my mom and living with her for the last 5+ years and in the past year she has started a downward spiral. Her dementia has progressed a lot and she is so much less with us. It's so hard and sad and depressing every time she takes another little step downward.

I find that what helps me is acceptance. To just accept her condition as it is, as the new normal. I really try not to think of her as she used to be, and deal with things as they are now.

I also find that I need to talk about my experiences: such as a crazy messy code brown and how I dealt with it, or the time Mom used my braid as a rope to pull herself up when I was changing her. Not many people want to hear about that stuff! But my partner who lives here with me listens and that support is what I need. He also helps take care of me by doing all kinds of household chores and doing things for me. He's not hands on with my mom, but his taking care of me is keeping me going.

This forum is another place where people listen and understand and are very supportive. It has really helped me feel less anxious, and I've also gotten so much practical advice. I think knowing what you're doing and feeling competent at it, even when times are depressing, helps with anxiety. At least it does for me.

Emotional distancing . Seeing the person you care for as not the person they once were or that they will never be the dream parent you never had.
doing the care out of your own love and not requiring any thanks ( that they can’t give) often they fight you because they deny they are older and not as capable.
Always prioritize taking breaks for yourself. Seriously you can’t deplete yourself and People with illnesses often pull you under with them .especially remember you are not trained as a nurse or doctor . If the work gets too hard - have a plan before it gets to that point . Search for allies- aging program resources, churches, volunteer services, meals in wheels and hospice.

What has been the most helpful to me has been Dr. Nataldi's videos on You Tube. Dr. Nataldi is a dementia care specialist, Ph.D. She has a series of educational videos in her Careblazers series. She has been more helpful to me than my mother's doctor and care taker. Dr. Nataldi can also contact you directly. I am not selling a package here. I also joined one or two dementia online care organizations. Also forgot to mention, my mom's social worker has not been much help either. There is a lot of info on the web these days and reading and researching info at the library helps also in addition to joining a organizat ion where members can give you advice and feedback. This is an area that is different for everybody with no quick fix solutions because dementia patients are individually different in their behaviors. I do not live with my mother. I tried to move into to help her but she is stubborn and I would have to sacrifice my pets, all of them. I know one day I will have to go back when she gets worse, so good to plan ahead if you can. I wish you the best of luck. Keep you in my prayers. If you are on AgingCare.com you are in a good place.

Best. Thread. EVER!

I think for me it’s reminding myself that I am not superhuman, I am doing my best and my best is enough, my life matters too, and trying to take it day by day and not think too far ahead. This part is hard as we are constantly having to plan for the future not knowing what exactly that will be. Caregivers live in a constant state of high alert. Finding ways to calm your mind and cut yourself some slack are very important. We tend to jump on every little problem, trying to fix it immediately. Try to give yourself time between “stimulus” and “response”, and train your mind to not treat every problem that comes up as an emergency. If I get a phone call with an issue the first thing I ask myself is, “Is this urgent? Does this require immediate action or can I sit with it for a while?” Yesterday my father hit the emergency services button on his RAZ memory cell phone 8 times in a half hour. I have him signed up for a service so when he does this it goes to a call center and they determine if it’s an emergency and if 911 needs to be called, but the caregiver is alerted. I got the alerts, called him to make sure he was okay, reminded him not to push the big red banner on his phone, and then silenced my phone for the other alerts that were coming in until I saw it has stopped. Deal with it, and then let it go. There is only so much you can do.

I think the most stressful part of caregiving is the feeling that your own life is slipping away from you in service to the person you are caring for. It’s a loss of control. You become emotionally, financially, socially, and often medically stressed because your life has been taken over by the person you are caring for. It’s important to remind yourself that you have a CHOICE. You are allowed to CHOOSE how much you give of yourself. This does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. You are entitled to live your life. Remind yourself of that as well as all the people telling you “what you should be doing”. Usually what they think you should be doing is sacrificing your own existence to make things easier for them. Ignore those people, and tell them immediately that their advice is not helpful. It’s the reason I will NOT uproot my life and move 3000 miles away to move in with my father. I could not live with him 24/7 and keep my sanity, my profession, or my own support system. Not going to happen. He lives alone, will never agree to leave his house, so when an event happens that triggers placement I will deal that. I love my father, but I love myself too, and I the life I have spent decades building for myself.

Our loved one’s journeys will eventually end, and we have to have lives that we have maintained to carry on with when they are gone.

The best is to separate yourself from the situation. I was getting
depressed, anxious, and not functioning on a high level which I
need to do. Fortunately, my partner does not need help with daily
living. However, being around all the forgetting, confusion, and
mood swings was more than I could withstand. He is now in our
apartment and I am in another location. He visits for long weekends.
You should consider not being a caregiver. Try to get someone else to do this.
You are sacrificing you mental and physical health. You will be
ruining your life and it will only get worse and not better. Also getting
massages for stress really works. Make sure to have long term care or
critical care insurance so you can afford to get help!!!!!

My struggle mom with Alzheimer’s daughter with ADCY5 rare movement disease.
find time for yourself do something you enjoy even if it’s for an hour or a few!!! You and your mind needs a break from it all, to re boot!!!
Have a mind set at taking one day at a time and if your having a bad one, remember tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be better!!!

Counseling two times a month has greatly helped my coping skills! My co pay is $25 a session….money well spent.

I went online and found Inspire.com. This site josts groups with all kinds of peoblems, physical and emotional. There are other support groups online.

Mindfullness breathing exercise for 10 minutes in the morning. I was given this exercise from professional counseling for anxiety. Look it up on YouTube and search for the 10 to 15 minute ones. I tried a 30 minute one and it put me to sleep

This has been very he helpful for me. I just was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My dad's 92 with lewy body. He pretty much lives in his delusions now. I'm not his primary care caregiver, as I live far away. But I am his health and financial POA. He calls constantly about being kicked out of al, being sued, being arrested and getting the death penalty. He is always worried and if you solve one issue, he comes up with another the same day. It is wearing. I'm getting my meds checked to be sure none are contributing to my problems. Next I think I will find a analysis to talk to.

I went through struggles as my mother's caregiver for the years 2008 until 2013 at ages 88 to 93 with her multiple health conditions, the worst being heart failure and osteoporosis. I was never appreciated for all my work and detailed record keeping but did my best as long as it lasted. Mom suffered bipolar most of her life and told me she wanted to die in her own bed at home.

Unfortunately, that's not how her life ended and worse yet, she did not even want any hired help in our home despite several falls at our place. By April 2013, a fall injury sent her to rehab, then a nursing home when Kaiser, her doctor and two of my remote siblings (lives in TX and OR States) would not allow her back home for her safety since Mom and I lived alone in CA and I at age 57 had to return back to work.

Mom got very nasty and bullied me blaming me for not allowing her back to what she called "Her Place" and tried to throw me out in spite of the fact that we owned our property jointly. I proved our shared ownership with county records I still could not convince Mom! Heck, I spent nearly as much hours caring for her as with my past employment. All the fun we enjoyed was in the past. Mom always wanted control and fought when things did not go her way. I did not put up with one ounce of her complaints but offered to do what had to be done as her financial and medical POA at the time.

My remote family helped with Mom's permanent facility placement since I could no longer care for her. I lost 15 pounds from trying to help keep this lady home who was my mother. I both loved and hated her by her unexcused behavior.

In late 2013, our mother was moved to an OR facility near his and his spouses home, then my brother took over as her POA when I could no longer handle decisions. One year later, our mother peacefully passed away in her facility private room at age 95, one week before Thanksgiving. We were relieved we no longer had to struggle with her!

Get a Good therapist who can support you and help you find services Like a CNA to Bathe and Light Housekeeping . Getting a Personal shopper and House cleaner . I went to community acupuncture Once a week to Heal myself and get support. Self Care Like eating Out Once a week , riding My Bike to the beach , swimming for exercise , Cooking healthy Meals . I Joined a support group for dementia Caregivers. The social workers were good . There are Life coaches who can help you too. Read about the illness . Get a Good elder attorney , POA and health care Proxy . Occasionally I got a massage for stress That helped release the tension . A Good Nights sleep . I have a Great chiropractor which you Need . get as Much support and services that you Can . I Loved when the Physical therapy Ladies came and we talked . Stay Upbeat . Facebook Has a support group for caregivers and dementia . Buy Yourself Plants or have a garden . Hobbies . Its a 24/ 7 Job.

I have suffered from anxiety for years. My father has had mental health issues his whole life. A lot of his disease was taken out on us. I've gone to therapy, taken medication, attended al-anon and participated in various women's codependency recovery groups. I have read alot of books on family stuff, some of them have been good and some of them are junk. I am not on medication now and don't plan on taking any ...but who knows. Medication did help my brain reset. I have done all these things over the last 30 years. What helps me is not hanging out with toxic people and that does include some family members. Someone wrote about putting people on the back burner well I bought a brand new stove. I quit a book club that was so nasty and catty that I won't join one again for a long time if ever at all. I have learned that I don't have to fix everyone and rescue them from themselves. I don't even have to rescue my parents. ( thats a big one for me) This week has been a long one I spent a lot of time with my mom in the ER and at doctor for follow up appointment. Ruled out UTI. She is also refusing to get out of bed and take her meds. The ALF is calling because they have started documenting her refusals. I do have some worries but I still carried on with planting my winter/early spring vegetable garden, planning next supper club and just doing what needs to get done. 4 years ago I would have just ended up on the sofa completely wiped out. That is what is different.

I have specific coping mechanisms I utilize for dealing with caregiving and it really helps me

I'm lucky, however, I didn't realize it at the time.

1. My brother, sister and I get along and we recognize each other's faults, insecurities and strengths. Although there is jealousy and competition, we never let it get in the way of a relationship with each other. Therefore, when my brother told me that he could no longer take care of my mother by himself, I told him what I needed to move to where she was, and he took care of finding me a place to stay. I even gave him power of attorney to use my signature.

2. Once I arrived, I took over seeing my Mom every day. Unbeknownst to all of us, my brother fell ill and died 2 years later. However, during those 2 years, he supported me mentally, and he and I planned for her future. He was the favorite child so during those 2 years, I said a lot "<brother> told me to do this" and my Mom would comply. At one point, he told me that I needed to find a support group, and I did. It really, really helps to have someone from the outside, just be blunt. It hurts, however, there usually is some truth to what they are telling you. My sister is the catastrophic thinker. I spent a lot of time talking her down the cliff. That took my mind off of my Mother....my brother couldn't deal with my sister's catastrophic mentality.

3. Early on, my brother and sister determined that all money decisions went through me. This had to happen because my mother would tell one person something and another person something else. There were several bills that were paid, that didn't have to be paid and now I had to follow back up to get the money back. My Mom was promising large sums of money to grandkids that she needed for her own care. This was the biggest decision we made. Now when my Mother asked for anything, they referred the request to me. It took a huge load off of them and me, since I could make simple decisions, like what prescription drugs she took, on a moment's notice. My Mom was pissed, however, the siblings and grandchildren referred all monetary decisions to me and she had to accept it. BTW, I still gave "gifts" to my brother that my mother had continuously given him all throughout his life. He didn't ask, I asked him. It wasn't prompted by my Mom and he knew.

4. Somehow, counselling found me. I don't know how. The person helped me understand how to deal the anger that I felt after my Mom's refusal to do what I asked. Everyone touts exercise. It doesn't work for me. However, what does work for me is repetitive tasks. The counselor helped me find more tools, like mindfulness.

5. As previously stated, I moved states (and culture) to be near my Mom. My Mom was experiencing some health issues that I knew could be medical. However, the people in my home state said it was normal. Talking to friends back at my "adult life" state really helped guide me to resources. After discussing with my siblings and SIL, we knew the direction we wanted to go. Therefore, we were all informed of decisions and why and could discuss future decisions with the knowledge from the past.

6. My sister, the catastrophic thinker, still has lots of contacts here in the "home" state. I relied on her and my sister-in-law to find resources, when I was too emotionally busy dealing with my Mom.

7. I have taken month long trips away from my Mom. My sister and sister-in-law are backups for care during this time.

So it takes a whole family with different strengths and weaknesses and a lot of trust from each other, to deal with the anxiety and frustrations. It doesn't stop my depression, however, I'm learning to work though it as my depression is completely within my control.

As I said, I'm lucky.

My mother is 98 and I started this journey of caring for her remotely and now in person 7 years ago. It has taken a huge toll on me, financially, emotionally, and physically. I find comfort in the fact that other people here understand this type of suffering, and have been through it as well.
So those are my qualifications...now I'll skip to what's been helpful:
1: Putting siblings and other non-contributing family members on the back burner... expectations create resentments: I spent a lot of time trying to send the perfect update emails with very little response from my siblings. Then tried to update grandkids on group messages. I found very few of my mother's 40 grandchildren were interested, and my siblings would usually not respond. I now just ask them for money, and I've stopped updating everyone. I post photos on Facebook for people who follow me and that's it. If people want to do video calls ...they have to do it on my schedule. For years, the stress of expectations of other people caring about what I was going through was eating me up inside. I finally decided to just focus on myself and my mother and ignore everyone else and that's been very helpful.
2: Al-Anon meetings online have been very helpful in helping me to detach and let go of control. If you go to the Al-Anon website there's a list of Zoom meetings. I find most of us qualify for Al-Anon in one way or another... In my case my mother was the child of an alcoholic, and those unresolved issues from her past have come out in full force at the end of her life.
3: Therapy on a short-term basis, just to deal with the stress...online, because I don't have the time to travel to a physical location.
4: Hiring outside caregivers to help though it has been very expensive. I feel guilty asking my siblings to contribute, but I get over it. I need to have other people see my mother for her sake as well as mine because I lose my temper more rapidly when I'm taking care of her constantly. Again I'm aware that's not within everybody's budget but I went to my siblings and just said they had to help pay.
5: Meditation and other apps. I resisted meditation a lot of my life because I misunderstood it. I thought it was about zoning out-- but it was more about being aware of how destructive and negative my thinking is, and that awareness would help me reset a bit during my worst moments with my mother. I like using the Calm app , and there's something called Tapping Solution which seems a little woo-woo at first but is also very helpful.
6: Reaching out to friends who understand... This is very hard because people who have not been caregivers of elderly people have no idea what an entails. It's like taking care of a 2-year-old, except it's sad. You are enmeshed in the darkness instead of hurtling towards the light.
7: Exercise ...even when I don't want to... Even if it's just walking on a treadmill at the gym it helps immensely.

For everyone going through this experience I send love and support. Today was a hard day for me. My mother was supposed to have 3 to 5 months to live When I moved out 5 months ago...and I woke up suddenly terrified that she would live another 3 to 5 years. Since I've moved out to be near her she's improved immensely. I'm sorry to say that this causes me great anxiety. Financially as well as emotionally and personally this is an incredible strain. But I've also determined that this is what I need to do in order to save myself from the guilt and remorse that I had with my father by not being there. I truly believe I'm doing the right thing for myself... so please no judgment from others. We do what we have to do for ourselves.

I exercise, joined a caregivers support group, joined a knitting group and a quilt guild. Have my attorney on speed dial. For the last four years I have not spoken to my brother, his wife and their daughter. Well my brother once because momma was in the hospital. Talk to my sister some but have to keep her at arms length.. Also blocked them from Facebook and my phone. I only talk to momma about once every 10 days or longer. She is in assisted living and I let them and my brother take care of her. Had too. She is just as bad as the rest of them. Protect yourself.

an indomitable spirit.
i fell down? i get up again.

fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

I am a worst case scenario person, and ask myself what’s the worst that can happen - realistically. Pros and cons. Now and later. I’m a serious overthinker, but learned to trust myself to do my homework and let go once a decision was made. Frustration and sleep deprivation made me cranky enough to defend my choices to anyone. I refused to be bullied anymore. (except by my mother)

That cathartic moment came when I acknowledged to myself that:
- I cannot be everything
- I cannot fix everything
- I cannot make her happy
- I can focus on keeping her safe

I didn’t realize how much my mother’s combative nature left me depressed and anxious until she went into care and I was still jumpy, and kept waking during the night, certain she was calling for me. That has faded over the year since she went into care.

Before the pandemic I played hockey because skating hard and slamming guys into the boards blew off my stress. I like to sing my moods. If you hear me wailing hard rock while stomping about, flipping birds, I have had a very bad day.

I spend time in the woods. I plant trees (over a thousand so far). I sit outdoors on a clear night and ponder the stars. I volunteer with dogs. In the summer I float on my back in my pool and stare up into the sky. I have shed some difficult people. I have changed my perspective and priorities, simplified, and become more reclusive. I have given myself permission to live my own life, my own way.

When I feel depressed or anxious, I remind myself that this moment will pass. Then I focus on finding one thing to look forward to.
Caregiving certainly has been a struggle for me. I had always been resourceful and resilient, but caregiving for my demented mother 24/7/365 blew through all my inner strength in a flash. Something I learned on this forum is that caregivers don't need to do all the hands-on care. Seeing to it that mom is well taken care of is also caregiving. That realization made all the difference. It was suddenly clear that I needed to place mom and I set out to make that happen. Looking back now, I see that taking care of mom started out as an act of love, which soon became more of an obligation, which quickly turned to resentment and drudgery with no end in sight. I had naively assumed I would get help from friends and family, but that never materialized. I lost all hope. So, long story short, I arranged to place mom in AL/MC and that has given me a light at the end of the tunnel and motivation to get my life back. I had underestimated how just seeing the finish line could lift my spirits. I am grateful for the help I found here on this forum.