My husband is in kid stage Alzheimer's plus he has walking difficulty but refuses to use cane or walker. He is having difficulty getting up from a chair due to his knees. So far does well with eating out and enjoys it.
We went out for an early dinner tonight. During dinner, just the two of us, he indicated he needed to use the restroom. Sometime had passed and he still was not coming out as I watched the door. A manager offered to check on him and came out saying he was in there and said he was ok. More time elapsed. No men going in or out, so I opening the door slightly and called out to him. He was in a stall. After much asking him if he was ok or needed help I found he could not stand up from the toilet. So in I went to help him. He was sitting on a regular height toilet, not knowing anything about the handicapped lavatory in the next stall. We have the higher toilets at home.
Thankfully he was able to reach the door lock and let me in. It took sometime for me to be able to get him up, because he didn't want to hurt me. I tried to explain to him about the handicapped stalls all public restrooms have, but any explanation doesn't register or is able to remember.
I handled it all very calmly and when we got home, I took him into the walk in shower bathroom with hand held shower. And found that he was ok with me asking him to take everything off and step into the shower as I used the handheld shower to make sure he was clean because through it all he had had an accident.
In the past he insisted on showering in the bathtub shower and for me staying out of the bathroom. 59+ years of marriage. So letting me help him has been a real break through. Not sure he will allow that again. But my thought now is that we will only be able to go out to eat with our son, so he can go into the restroom and see to it he uses the handicapped restroom.
I do not feel even a family restroom would work. He would not let me in and I don't know of a restaurant that has them. Another thing I am thinking of, is if he locks a stall door and needs help, no one could get in.
I can see eating out will not be possible without our son and that I will have to think of having delivery to our home or curb pick up. Which is no problem. I will adjust. It was just something we both enjoyed, but changes happen and this is a small change. In fact as I typed this, I do believe my last paragraph is the answer.
FWIW (maybe a few chuckles), I can still remember how embarrassed I felt when my mother took me into the ladies' room when I was a small child! I suspect I would be more receptive if I got to the point that I needed assistance when I got older (if I had anyone to assist me).
My Dad had PSP (similar to Parkinson's disease), and we traveled right up until the end. I often would take him into the ladies bathroom with me, just announce ahead of time "coming through with a disabled person ", and I never had a problem with it. Before it got to that point and he was still able, I would stand at the door to the mens room and kept calling in to see if he was alright, and often the men in there would give me "updates", lol, ah the good old days! People are usually so polite and understanding about it!
Once to the men's room. Only problem there was that it was difficult to get her, the chair, and myself in the stall and fold the chair to accomplish the mission.
And once in a hardware store where she had filled her underwear to overflow and left puddled on the floor. I told the clerk I would clean things up after I got wifey cleaned. He said he would take care of it and he did.
I never had to deal with uneducated people but I was prepared. I would tell them to find a woman to care for and clean her, change clothes if need be and if that was not agreeable then call the cops and management but I was going to take care of my wife.
Some states do have laws on this subject. I have seen rest stops with signs telling the public that a caregiver of the opposite sex is allowed to enter to care for a disabled person.
And we still ate out as long as she could walk and climb stairs. We only ate at one place.
Hugs 🤗
These options are more likely in new buildings which comply with new building regulations, and perhaps are more common in Australia than the USA, though they are often referred to in American home design books. Perhaps you could check the restaurants you like to find one with the options that would work for you, and stick to that one. And I would agree that I have never heard of any problems with other women, so long as the man is clearly disabled.
I share your husband’s wish for privacy for number two toileting if possible (and men often don’t see urination as an issue), but he let you help when it was essential. He may be more willing to compromise if you say it’s needed if you are ever going to eat out.
Best wishes, Margaret
Try working towards using a family bathroom and being ok to being one together. Maybe you'll need to be the one starting off using the potty. Then, encourage him to give it a try as well.
When he use to be able to walk (he is now in a wheelchair), I had a little business size card - that I could pull out of my pocket that read --
"My companion has a medical condition that affects walking and speech. Your patience is appreciated."
I could discretely show the card to someone - or hand it to a server (they were always willing to give us more time). You could customize your own phrase.
At most public facilities (office buildings / retail environment / even some medical buildings) - not just restaurants - it is an issue.
I've contacted governmental agencies and have asked other aging institutions, as well as caregivers - what they do. No one seems to have a great solution.
I do what AZPrincess does, but take it one step further. I open the door and yell - housekeeping. If there is no answer (bathroom is empty) - I have a typed sign in my purse and a little roll of tape. I put the sign on the outside of the door (with permission if there is someone to give it or without permission - if I can't find any one) - that reads something like -
Temporarily Closed
Will reopen in ten minutes.
(It's typed and looks fairly official - or at least we are giving warning...)
If someone walks in, they are just going to have to understand. I find it easier as a woman - to use the woman's restroom than the men's restroom. Women generally have a little more compassion than men. And, women are behind the stall doors - where as men are sometimes using the urinals.
None of the above or below are ideal situations, but we try to make the best of it.
Looking forward to reading additional suggestions.
I think it’s great that you and your husband can still enjoy going out to eat! I would continue as long as possible.
When your husband tells you he needs to use the restroom, you can say, “Well I need to go too!”. Take him with you into the handicapped stall of either the men’s or ladies restroom, and I guarantee you that no one will say anything. If possible, pick restaurants that have a family restroom or a single- stall locked bathroom. If you frequent the same restaurants often, the workers will treat you well and you’ll never need to explain your situation.
You’re kind of in the same boat with a parent of a small child who can’t safely use a public bathroom alone; it happens very often and I’ve never seen or heard anyone being rude or disrespectful. If you’re nervous about any questions, come up with a few short and polite responses and practice saying them beforehand, with confidence and a smile!!
You and your family deserve to continue this pleasure for as long as possible!!
Happy New Year and a virtual hug from Denver. Gretchen
While you might encounter nasty people who object to you being in the men's room or he being in the ladies' room, you do what you have to do. I think perhaps the best choice for when it is just you two is to use the ladies' room (no urinals, no peeking!) You can always check to see if anyone is in there and announce yourself/your intentions. My brother has to help mom if/when they are out (no real outings anymore) - he did say the one medical place she has to go has a "family" bathroom - when I used to take her and she was still standing/walking with walker, I used the ladies' room.
Having a door lock might become an issue. Perhaps if you go with him, you can offer to hold the door closed. There should be a way to open/unlock those doors, kept by the facility staff. There could be many scenarios where someone becomes incapacitated and unable to get out - what do they do then?
Your other choices that you came up with are sensible - take out, delivered and/or special occasions with your son. Disposable undies could be used just in case. When it came time for these, we didn't discuss it with mom. We removed all her underwear and replaced them with the disposables. Never brought it up and she has never said anything to me (unsure if she ever said anything to the staff, but as long as she uses them and doesn't harass me, good! She's even seen me bring in a supply.)
On the side, do read up more about dementia. While not everyone progresses at the same rate and not all experience the various symptoms at the stages they are listed in, it never hurts to know that you might encounter them and be prepared! It is like having a baby/toddler, where one might roll or start walking long before another - if you aren't prepared, it could spell disaster!
We don’t Eat out anymore unless we are with my children or adult grandchildren . We do take out or delivery , which is still a nice break for me and so much easier for my husband . Often the kids will pick up on their way over and we have a nice restaurant meal together but at home . After dinner we sit outside with our little dog and visit with our neighbors walking by , who all know he has AD and make it a point to stop and join us for a bit. It gets us both to socialize and chat . Luckily we are in FL so can do this even in winter. When grocery shopping I do grab a cart and bring it to the car so he can use it for support and feel like he’s helping me. Every time I feel I’ve conquered something tho I admit to having a bit of a laugh because I know that the next day , sometimes even the next hour, will bring a new challenge that never occurred to me to be possible.
If he still drives he will drive and get lost. It would be best if you can lock up the keys so he won't have a "code silver" missing persons.
What you can do is take him out shopping for groceries and let him hang on to the buggy as a walker. That will work for a while until he loses his ability to stand that long. Just make sure he has an empty bladder before leaving home. If I were you I would not let him eat out anymore.
Consider these the "good old days" because it is only going to get far, far worse. Been there..done that.
I know the nightmare of that. My dad went into the bathroom at a smorgasbord restaurant. He was in there over an hour. The manager checked on him but he wouldnt come out. It was very busy at the time. He finally came out and thought the couch in the outer room was a toilet. Luckily I got him not to sit down. His pants were coming down, but at least no one was around. He was acting strange all night so I made my mom take him to the hospital. Blood sugars all out of wack, and a uti and other problems.
It's not worth the stress. And that was extremely stressful. Mom insisted he was fine. I knew better. He had a 2 week stay.
Let your husband enjoy a special meal at home. No worries about falls or sending people in the bathroom after him. Or accidents and clean ups. That would be much more relaxing. You can have the son come over, have a nice meal and not cook. Do you want to take extra items in the restaurant? You can make a special time with your son, so you have backup when you go. Husb might be more receptive for son, than the wife. That happens a lot lol. Good luck.
One time I just had to go into a regular men's room with my DH. I announced myself quite clearly before entering and when another man came in after, I told him that "we don't peek" in our family. He chose to wait but he also thanked me for taking care of my DH instead of worrying about what others might think.
Tell your DH that if he won't allow you to go in with him, perhaps it's time for Adult Briefs. Do Not call them diapers!! My DH was 96 and he was no longer embarrassed for me to help him. Heck, one time I let him stand there the few minutes so I too could go. Turnaround is fair-play. We were giggling like schoolkids when we exited the bathroom together. Yes, it made quite a stir with the people in the waiting room but most were smiling at us.
Other than visiting, we hadn't ever lived together before. She wasn't content entertaining herself or watching tv, so I kept her busy out shopping, going to movies and eating at restaurants. Naturally, this necessitated sometimes using the bathrooms.
She thought herself completely capable and wanted to be in the bathrooms by herself, even though she couldn't be. I just acted really matter of fact, walked right with her into the handicapped stall and said, "I have to go to, so we might as well do it together. Here, we'll go in this bigger room made for 2 people." It worked. And after a while, I didn't even have to say that anymore.
It probably was a little simpler with us going into the ladies room because we were both "girls", but with you accompanying/leading your husband, I know folks will be understanding about that.
Now the next step will be to try and get him to use a walker. In the past, if I say, "The Doctor said so" I have gotten him to go along with some things with just a small fuss. I am going to the store that specializes in walkers on my own in a few days and hope to find two that would be good for him. Bring him there the next day and see if he will choose between 1 or 2. He loves to choose colors he wears so hope the color will be a help. If he doesn't select he knows I will select what is best, even with his fuss.
He likes to walk behind a grocery cart so I will call it his personal cart, rather then walker. My best to all of you. Keep smiling.
How about hubby starts wearing pull up briefs now 24/7? That will help with 'emergency' needs to visit the restroom and prevent accidents in general. We're still able to take my mother out to eat sometimes since she wears Depends. Before that decision was made, however, we had a lot of difficulties with her and the bathroom situations. The last time we went out before she agreed to wear Depends, we were on the elevator going back to her apartment at the ALF when she said she had to pee. Without warning, she then took a full elimination right then and there on the carpeted floor of the elevator. That was the last time she risked it and started wearing briefs immediately.
It may not be 'the answer', but it's better than nothing. It can give both of you peace of mind at least, and perhaps allow him time to get home before using the toilet.
Good luck!
Other times I would just walk into the women's washroom with my Husband I would explain he had dementia and I would take him to the "Handicap stall".
I never had an issue with anyone in the washroom. Less likely to be a problem a man going in to the women's than me going into the men's since because of the urinals.
I think at this time most people have an understanding and will not have a problem with you taking your husband into the Women's washroom.
Do you get a break? Are you his only caregiver? I’m sure you do miss doing many of the things you used to do with him
Sending you many hugs.