His anger usually only lasts one day because maybe he realizes the absurdity and he apologizes, but what is the best response in the moment to the situation? Ignore the untrue accusations and his feelings of anger and betrayal? Stand up to him? Deny everything that is untrue? Laugh at the absurdity? I know reasoning doesn’t work well, but some of it does sink in later.
Of course some of this depends on the person and the degree of memory loss. Mine has vascular dementia, and he has a lot of mental capacity still to remember things that happened earlier in the week, but not what the weather is like or things that happened 5 years ago. It seems like random memory loss.
What response have you found that works?
You could go for a ride around the block, take a short walk, or even just go outside for awhile.
Then lets sit down and talk about this.
Get out a pen and paper and sit down together and start going through all the things you have done and use this opportunity to "divide" memories.
You can start by...I remember when we met...and write down your thoughts about that. He may respond by saying I remember...my first car, first job....and write down his thoughts.
This is also a good way to possibly pull memories that you were not even aware of.
Next time he mentions this you can "divide" the items in the room..get him to name things in the room he "wants".
Some of this you can say...Ok, lets talk about it after lunch, or dinner...
You can laugh about it.
Sometimes you can say...oh, let me think about this and leave the room for a moment.
There were times when my Husband was doing things I would try to distract him from doing and once I just broke out into a laugh..a real belly laugh and for some reason that stopped him in his tracks and he just started laughing as well. And funny thing was that was the first time I had heard him really laugh in quite a while. His mood changed for quite a while. So I would sometimes just laugh for no reason and it did the same thing. (maybe laughter is the best medicine)
But please, I hope this does not hurt your feelings or that you take this seriously even a little. Yes it might hurt for a second but I am sure you know deep down he does not mean what he is saying.
does anyone help with him? Maybe take a few days away? Or even a respite week? If this got really bad there’s no redirecting that will work. Time is all that helps. I will be following to see what you learn. ((Hugs))
Perhaps, you can tell him that you and he already got divorced several years ago. And now you're just here to take care of him out of compassion. Will that work? You can print an "official divorce decree" form off the internet which you can fill in your name and his to show him and pass it off as the real thing. Hopefully, this phase will pass and he will stop asking eventually.
Some types of dementia can cause a person to become violent. If this ever happens..even just 1 time you need to consider placement for him.
A very dear friend of mine was seriously hurt by her husband and to this day has physical problems. The proverbial straw that broke the camels back was when she woke up when he had his hand around her neck and a knife in the other hand. She realized then that this could not continue but it was a while before she could get her children to accept the fact that their dad was doing these things.
I always said I would keep my Husband at home as long as it was safe for him and safe for me. This meant any kind of safe. Physical safety was just 1 aspect.
Ok, off my soap box for now.
Just be safe, think about who will care for him if you are injured or worse...and who will care for you..
I've found that distraction is the best. If you know anything about his favorite sport pick up the paper and point to an article and mention something. The TV. Try to find a program that he might like. What you're trying to do here is change the subject. If he's memory isn't good, he'll forget what he was talking about.
If you can busy yourself with folding laundry, would he help?
He may not do this if you have company. Try and have a friend stop by. The biggest thing is distraction.
If (when) it happens again, we will see how it goes, and afterwards I will ask my hubby to suggest other ways for handling it.
Him: What were you doing out after midnight?!
Me: I went to the grocery store at 4 in the afternoon
Him: Suuuurrrre you did. I won’t put up with adultery!
Funny afterwards, but his hurt is real. And it hurts me, too.
I think the best plan is to state my defense and then remove myself from his immediate surroundings. He will be offended by me excusing myself, but I can reiterate that I would never do what he’s accusing me of, and I am in this marriage for the long run, and since we disagree about the events, I think it’s best if we are not in each other’s company for now.
Oh my! The things we put up with!
Once I read a response from a wife when her husband with ALz threatened to kill her said "ok, but let's have lunch first"...then he forgot.
I'm so sorry - it must be sad to have him say this to you.
I believe God will bless you.
To me in this state of mined.....they are out of it.....try not to argue with them....and could say well who would take care of you. The 2 people lasted
each 7 yrs like this. Soo sad to see the brain act like this......discuss with your
doctor.....there is medicine out there to control this....it is an anxiety medicine. Calms the person down. My dad just passed away......We had to give it to him
when he was getting out of control on his thinking.....We found out he was
considered Hospice which medicare paid for a nurse and nurses aid to come
in and check up on him......Had a choice of the hospital-nursing home-or home....he picked and we picked for him to come home.....they set up a bed for
him....was getting weak....we had to feed him. When my dad said something mean.....he then apologized....we mainly told him once.....not yelling....figured if he did not get it.....he was not going to get it......It was no use.
Hope this helps.......do not let him get to you.....do not get stressed out.....remember you both got married for a reason.....Better or Worse-
you are in the worse Phase....Talk to the doctor....to give him something to
calm down. Will be alot peaceful....... Save your money.....on getting the divorce.
Just say something like 'well maybe next week as I don't have time to do that this week' & leave it at that as he'll forget soon enough - if you do a mild agreement first then a postponing phrase you won't set up an argument issue
"Give me the name of your attorney and I will take care of it".
Or,
"Don't you remember?" We are already divorced!"