My mother-in-law is 67 years old and in the early/moderate stages of dementia. She lives at home with her husband, and we live next door. She also has type 1 diabetes, which coupled with the dementia means really high and low blood sugars sometimes when she forgets to eat, or forgets she took insulin and doubles doses herself. She has a dexcom which has saved her life multiple times this year by alerting me and my husband when we need to go intervene. Her husband is supposed to be her main caregiver but he just doesn't seem to be getting it as far as what it means to be a caregiver. He doesn't do anything around the house as far as cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He's supposed to be in charge of when and how much insulin she gets, but it's an inconvenience for him so he doesn't. When we have them over for dinner her husband makes rude comments about how he's "so thankful you cook for me. She doesn't cook for me anymore". She'll ask questions about things that have already been discussed and he'll say things like "don't you remember?!" or argue about things of no consequence because "she's not right. What she's saying doesn't make sense." My husband and I don't think it's safe for her to be driving anymore, but his dad thinks having to drive her 10 minutes to visit her mother, or taking her to doctor's appointments or the grocery store is too inconvenient. So he lets her drive. My husband has had several conversations with his Dad about how needs to drive her and accompany her to appointments because she isn't in a place to be making medical decisions. He assures us he will, but then the next time we talk to them he hasn't done any of the things he said he would. We've sent him links to memory care classes and articles, and at the last memory care appointment my husband accompanied them and he and the doctor had a very serious conversation with his Dad about what it means to be a caregiver. But nothing seems to help at all and nothing has changed. Do we just give up, and take over her care and he gets a free pass to a selfish life of doing whatever he wants? At this point, I feel like his inability or unwillingness to be a caregiver is putting her and other people in potentially dangerous situations.
The OP & DH are not happy to FOLLOW the current plan of neglect. So the choices left are LEAD or GET.
Who has POA? Is it activated? Is the Dementia dx formalised & noted that the POA is now required for decision making?
Could be quite a hostile takeover due to Dad's denial?
Then again, he may be relieved & actually waiting for someone to fix all this for him.
The GET option may be temporary.. while awaiting a crises to get the opportunity to actually LEAD.
This is similar to the information received I received from a Social Worker. Told me to GET for now, to be 'legal-ed up' if possible, to have made notes, have Doctor contact numbers ready. To be *ready to roll*. And so I wait...
He'll have to take over mom's diabetes meds. His mom & dad are both incapable of it. Does he work at home? Can he track it?
I think if he takes the lead it will be better. And that way it's not all dumped on you. I'd be very careful bc it might be. You don't want that. And if you step up, the FIL might start fighting with you. It's got to be the son.
I think it's horrible the husband thinks it's OK for her to drive. She could hit the gas and kill someone by accident!
I had to wait till dad had major diabetic incident, and ended up in the hospital. He passed out and couldnt get up. He was in that bad of shape the hospital refused to send him home ever. I had a talk with nurses not to send him home. I think they threatened mom/sibling with police action. They said he's going to nursing home and staying there. I think they were both too afraid to move or remove him. So he finally got help.
So you might have to wait till she passes out, or gets a uti, and an ambulance is called. But dont be surprised dad tries to bring her home. You have to block that. Your husb needs to get POA.
If she is having bowel and bladder issues, who is taking care of that? She could be getting skin scald an horrible ulcers. Has anyone checked? Has anyone checked the house for urine and feces? Maybe that's a way to get her help. Does anyone know if she's having accidents in the house? It's possible. I don't think you will ever convince the dad. It's to easy to stay in deep deep denial and do nothing. He doesn't want to change.
Good luck. Keep us updated.
You could call adult protective services but I'm not sure that will work. If the dad is a narcissist, he can talk their way out of anything, and turn it around on the son as being vindictive.
Maybe you can get someone in for a few hrs a day? To keep an eye on her and what's going on?
Good luck.
I think the dad is in deep deep denial. I was never able to convince my sibling or mom.
Agree. Mom can't look after herself & Dad won't.
This is an unusual suggestion..unorthodox, ok......just because someone has type 1 diabetes, and/or dementia going on, doesn't mean they cannot recover.
Did you know that via Proper Nutrition, zero sugar and meds, that most people can and do recover from diabetes and dementia? The meds would need to be Slowly decreased over time as the need decreases.
Sugar is the main culprit and common denominator of most diseases and ailments today.
BUT, both the afflicted person and their caregivers need to be on the same page! Nothing works if there is disunity, disagreements, etc....all parties must be in total agreement before embarking on a totally healthy, holistic lifestyle/diet, ok.
If there is unity in the camp, and all sides agree, then I strongly recommend my own YT doctor, Dr Eric Berg. Start watching his older and newer videos on how to achieve good health via good nutrition!
There ailments can be and have been reversed in many hundreds, perhaps thousands of people who comment after his videos, and I'm one of them.
Please start watching and changing what you do foodwise, and be on the lookout for absolute miraculous improvements in your loved one's health! It's truly miraculous! Our bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made by our Great Lord and Savior, Creator of all that was made, Christ the Lord! Given proper nutrition, our bodies will respond and improve! We don't need sugar, and/or meds to function well....in fact, we do very well without them!! Please give Dr Eric Berg a try...watch, learn and change the game!! To your Great Health, and, Shalom! 💜🕊💜🎶💃🎶💜🕊💜
Now my Dad, Mom waited on him hand and foot. TG he went first because he would have had the same attitude and expect me to care for Mom. Loved him but he was self-centered.
Yes, to make sure MIL gets her insulin you may have to do it. I would get a pill planner for her meds and instruct him that he is to give them to her. Aides are not allowed to give shots or distribute meds. They are not medically trained unless medtechs.
She has a husband and he is her caretaker. Her doctor needs to sit down with him and tell him she is not capable of doing the things she used to do. Dementia is killing her brain. That if he is not going to step up to the plate that he will need to hire people to care for her and that does not mean his son. If he feels he cannot or will not do this, then he needs to place her. His marriage vows say "for better or worse". This is the worse and he needs to learn how to deal with it. If not, your going to be taking care of her and him.
Rather than feel slighted by Dad's callousness, accept that he can not handle the job of caregiving. Talk with your spouse about how to transition this care to yourselves or a facility before addressing it with Dad.
I remembered when my Mom was placed in a nursing home, that evening I got a call around 8pm, it was Dad saying he was hungry. Now here is a man who was brilliant, an inventor, but he couldn't figure out how to put together a sandwich. The next day Dad agreed to have caregivers come in to help [he was in his 90's and a major fall risk].
The care your MIL needs is way beyond what your FIL can do or give anymore.
Has your FIL ever done housework, cooking, laundry? If he hasn't then don't expect him to suddenly start showing an interest. Hire a cleaning service so you won't be upset with him. (Use his money.) Meal delivery service? Take her keys away or disable her car. Make sure their paperwork is in order. Trusts, wills, POA etc. Start looking at options for both of them. Do something before it all falls apart.
You might have to give up an inheritance to pay for their care. Don't be in such a rush to give up your life.
Many men will be in denial when their wives get any kind of illness. This is especially true when it's dementia, but at this point your FIL is choosing to stay in denial because the doctor had the dementia talk with him.
He can get a free pass to the selfish life by staying in denial of his wife's conditions. If he wants that then try to talk him into giving over POA for her to you and her son so the two of you will be legally making decisions for her and not him.
Starting now you and your husband keep her insulin at your house next door and one of you start testing her blood sugar and giving her the insulin. You take the keys to the car because she's not driving anymore. You bring in homecare help in the house. If her husband has a problem with it, here are his choices:
-Take proper care of your diabetic, dementia wife yourself.
OR
-Go pound sand.
I had a client with a husband like your FIL. His wife was out of it with dementia and an invalid. He refused to do anything for her. Of course none of us expected him to get her out of bed into the wheelchair or feed her a meal at the table, but he would do nothing and he was capable. If there was bad weather coming, I made sure there were easy meals for him to simply microwave and heat up for them both. Or pre-made sandwiches in the fridge. I made sure her diapers and wipes and everything else was right there by her bed. I could not have made it easier for him.
Well, yes I could have made it easier for him by staying overnight if there was going to be bad weather. I refused because they refused to pay for the extra hours.
He would not change her. He would not feed her. He would not reposition her. She had a hospital bed in the living room with a hospital tray table for it. He's leave some cookies on it or half a sandwich. She didn't have sense enough to pick it up and eat it though. Food had to be cut into bite-sized pieces for her.
Myself and her other caregivers would make it in after the roads and their driveway was plowed. She's be laying in her own mess with cookies on her table.
I told him that I would have to report on him and that his wife would get put in a nursing home. That put the fire under him. When there was a snowstorm and I'd get back to them, she would not be laying in a mess. He wouldn't put a diaper on her, but at least he'd put a clean bed pad under her. There wouldn't be any stale cookies or sandwiches on her table tray, so I assume he was feeding her something.
Maybe your FIL needs to be threatened with being reported on. That might put the fire under him to get with it.
You can hope that he does but meanwhile MIL is progressing. You and your DH are going to have to make some tough decisions.
If I were you I would find a CELA level elder attorney who is well versed in Medicaid in your state. Try to get a DPOA for MIL if the attorney will agree she is still competent enough to appoint your DH. It seems he is already involved so maybe you have this already. MIL is so young and could live a long time needing 24/7 care. Medicaid will not leave FIL destitute but this has to be managed properly and done now. It has already been a year. She will not get better.
I would also get FIL in for a neuro exam as he sounds very thick, callous and failing himself. I would NOT be doing for him if he doesn’t snap too on the seriousness of the situation. He clearly is exhibiting signs that he thinks it is not his concern. His unwillingness to help indicates he thinks it is someone else’s job.
Managung Diabetes1 is a tough enough job in itself.
You clearly see the writing on the wall but it is so hard not to do for someone who is being neglected. Figure out where you stand or the next 20 years of your life will be sucked up.
Many folks with the early stages of cognitive impairment lose their folters and don't see the consequences of their actions.
I think MIL would be far better off in a good AL with medication management, rather than you guys taking on her care and resenting them both.
If AL is not an option b/c 'FIL can't bear to live w/o her', then she needs to have in home caregivers coming in to help her every day, at a minimum, in my opinion. Qualified people who can cook, clean, run errands and even drive her where she needs to go. MIL definitely needs to stop driving b/c all it takes is ONE accident to kill herself and/or others. FILs denial and selfishness can easily lead to such a crisis happening. Perhaps HE is also developing dementia himself and that's why he's so closed off to learning about the condition and/or dealing properly with his wife and acting so selfish. Have you seen him exhibiting any signs of dementia?
Common early symptoms of dementia
memory loss.
difficulty concentrating.
finding it hard to carry out familiar daily tasks, such as getting confused over the correct change when shopping.
struggling to follow a conversation or find the right word.
being confused about time and place.
mood changes.
I suggest you & FIL read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. I realize you can't 'force' FIL to read this, however.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Perhaps YOU can glean some useful tips from this book that you can pass along to your FIL.
I don't think you should 'give up' and give FIL a pass to do whatever he wants. I think you should tell him, point blank, if he refuses to be the caregiver for his wife, then she will HAVE to go into Assisted Living, and use up their nest egg as a result, in order to get PROPER care moving forward.
Best of luck getting through to the man, or making him understand perhaps they BOTH need Assisted Living now.