This may be an opposite situation of most dealing with an elderly parent my mother in law who is quite able to be independent such as driving, going to the store, walking up the block to the mailbox to mail her own mail etc. pretends as if she cannot. This all started when she finally sold her house I moved in next door to my husband and myself 7 Months ago. Up until that time She had always done everything herself but once she saw she could get others to do everything for her no matter how minor the task She virtually stop doing everything Including leaving the house if she doesn't have to. Unfortunately when is contributing to this behavior because she convinces and which is unable to do any of these things the problem is those of us who are Around when he is not know It's not that you can't he just doesn't want to and enjoys being catered to the problem I see this will cause her age prematurely then she would have due to having no purpose in life or interaction with others. Door to door service is great we need it and having everything but to you is as well. When you are perfectly capable doing these things yourself and you choose not to for the simple reason you don't have to is quite scary. To be willing to give up Your independence for the sake of convenience is something I have never heard of . Let's face it as we all know whenever the time comes when they are no longer able to Retain their same level of independence it is always way too soon way too soon than you want as it is. I have seen it way too many times how fast a Person can deteriorate when there is no purpose in their life And it's heartbreaking. We watch her walk perfectly fine when she thinks no one is around and then when she is with my husband she pretends she has difficulty walking. Of course as any son would do he continues To wait on her hand and foot and cater to her in every way possible. I'm sure this can't be healthy but talking to him about it is not even an option so what do you do besides stand by and watch or train wreck happen before your eyes?
When you are asked to do something you do not want to do (whether it's because someone can do for themselves or for any other reason), simply do not do it! That is so much easier said than done, I know. But always remind yourself, it is you who are enabling the helplessness.
Obviously, be kind in your refusal, but stand your ground..."I'm so sorry, I won't be able to get over to help you until ______." or "I wish I could, but I can't right now." The more insistent the requests become, the more apologetic you must become. "I realize you really want me to help you and I'm so, so sorry that I can't right now. I just feel awful."
Every time the ball comes into your court, gently tap it back.
"It's urgent? Oh, no! Let's think, then. Who else can you call? Could you struggle along on your own this time?"
ps – I agree with the other commenter about the driving. If she's given it up, there may be a reason you can't see or understand. Don't push her into getting behind the wheel. Call her an Uber! It's pretty affordable and a wonderful thing; especially if you could teach her how to do it herself. Getting out and about independently may give her back some of her sociability!
That said, if you can bring yourself to respond with love, you will both be happier. Lovingly offer to help her do the errand for herself. Arrange it so that she has to participate in everything, even if you do, too. Don't provide great service, and make her wait, but do so lovingly and apologetically. The more she feels loved, the easier she will be to live with. Make her come to the store to show you exactly what she wants.
DON'T try to make her drive. 70 may be too young to stop, but 80 isn't.
Be loving to her, not a servant. Pat yourself on the back for being a loving person.
You might start with her doctor. I would watch for little things to see if she really does have some change in her mental status. An evaluation by her doctor might be a good place to start. Maybe she has depression (some people hide it well), bladder or bowel leakage (it's embarrassing to many people), dementia or age related mental decline.
I suggest this because before we knew that my cousin had dementia, I was told by some health care workers that she was lazy and unmotivated. She had stopped coming to family events that she used to love. She stopped shopping. We later learned that she forgot how to pay for things and she got confused in the car. All of the things that she stopped doing was due to her fear, forgetfulness and confusion. It wasn't her being lazy or giving up. And she was only 62 years old! A person may say they no longer care to do it, but it's really due to inability. They may be too embarrassed to share that. Granted, sometimes they can do things. That's how dementia works. Rarely does it all go at once.
Of course, maybe there is no medical or mental reason for the behavior. Even if your MIL has just decided that she's tired and wants to take it easy, then what's the problem with that? Must seniors stay active to make us feel better? As long as her mental and physical health is fine, then why can't she live a life of leisure? If tending to her is problematic, then explore a service to help. At a certain age, I think we all should be able to settle down and relax. I think I might find out what she does she enjoy and try to focus on it.
If you're healthy, 80 is too young to give up on having fun.
I agree with Babalou that she should be evaluated medically. It may help her confidence level if she is pronounced fit to do things for herself. And if she is beginning some kind of cognitive decline, it would be very helpful for everyone to know that.
I'm only 70 but I find I have less and less desire to leave my nice cozy home. I very consciously plan some outings so I'm not completely isolated but I often don't leave the house for days at a time. Twenty years ago I could not have imagined having this attitude. Aging brings about changes!
I agree that neediness can sometimes mask fear, fear of the future and fear of her ability to function. You don't have to jump each time she calls, but you should try to find ways to support her. You may want to consider that she may be happier in a community geared to seniors with built in supports and services, just having those supports in place may give her the confidence to function more independently from you.
Try asking her if she is feeling ok because you and others have notice she is looking like she is 100 years old [instead of being whatever her age is] and maybe vanity will take over as she wouldn't want to be thinking that others think she is so much older.