My mother has been showing signs of dementia for a couple of years now, but refuses to go to the doctor. She is the youngest of her siblings and she went through the same situation with my grandmother and unfortunately she knows all the tricks used.
For the most part I would not mind, it is her life and her body. Though the issue is she has this desire to want to go “home” which no longer exists, her home is less a location and more so a time. She wants to see her family, but her family hates my mother’s guts. I have plead and begged even tried to bribe them nothing.
Generally speaking COVID put me in a weird spot, cause my mother is on a fixed income and I use to make up the difference with her rent. Working kept her sane, even with her decline in memory she was and is still able to perform basic data entry level tasks—glorified button pusher. Though I do think the social aspect and routine were great for her. Problem is her old employer will not take her back she is 77 years old, and I made the largest mistake of my life I had her move in with my wife and I during COVID because my wife got furloughed and keeping up with our own expenses and my mothers rent was going to be tight on one income—not impossible but extremely tight. So in all my wisdom I opened Pandora’s Box, at the time my wife was okay with it, we have been together for 12 years, she saw my mother’s darkest side or so we thought.
Being around a person everyday really shows you the type of person they are, I have always known my mother to be a manipulative and not decent human being at all. Though she is my mother and she did choose to raise me and provide me with every opportunity she possibly could. I get it was not easy raising a child that is on the spectrum and has ASPD.
Though I am at a breaking point, her attention seeking behavior is causing a massive rift in my relationship with my wife. We have tried hiring aids from privately and from an agency, problem is my mother is for lack of better words an unapologetic narcissistic bigot. Which is frustrating cause she knows when and with who she can act up around. In short she treats the “help” as she refers to them like they are subhuman so they leave just as quickly as they come.
At one point one of the aids even had to call EMS when I was at work, and my wife was helping her mother—whom’s father just recently passed—due to her threatening to harm the aid and herself. They took her to general psychology she was released in an hour, I was told I “had” to come get her.
Generally they did say my mother is showing signs of dementia—which I already knew—so when I asked why are the releasing her then, can she not stay here and get a proper evaluation or at the very least a primarily diagnosis so I can potentially try to get her the help she needs. They mentioned unfortunately those are only done at an outpatient facility, and I mentioned yes I understand the protocol and procedures, but the main issue is my mother will not go. I explained I have been able to get my mom to see the doctors twice, once after her stroke, and once for knee. In both of occasions I explained the situation and concerns regarding my mothers declining memory so they each did a general assessment the PCP said she fine minus “general age related memory loss” what I saw did not seem to matter. The second was her neurologist, he mentioned that generally she has some deficiencies, but she also just recently stroke, so he did recommend a cognitive evaluation. I mentioned she is not going to do it, he said understood but nothing he could do without further testing.
So my mom walked off smiling as pleasant as could be. The system sucks, since from what I have gathered this is not completely uncommon and normally as she deteriorates it will become easier to get the help she needs.
Main issue is I do not have the time to wait for that, my wife yesterday told me I had to pick my mother or her. I get it my mother is not nice to her.
Thanks again for all the advice and information.
I don't know where you live, but eviction moritoria are being lifted and there are exceptions to these rules.
When (not if) your mother falls or becomes ill, call 911 and have her transported to the ER. DO NOT PICK HER UP.
Only reason I knew was because something was off with my mom. I know she does not meet the safety profile for tBA but I think both of us would have rather gambled on that instead of seeing her live how she is now.
Part of me still kicks myself for not finishing med school, even she mentioned in passing why did I not finish she would not be able to pull these stunts. I do not think would be the case it is a lovely and romantic notice to a degree.
I hate to say it I wish I had the foresight to do just that back in Aug. She was still still a pain but my wife and I felt sorry for her especially because her father had recently passed due to a stroke earlier that year. We let our guard down.
Does Mom have Social Security and a pension? If so, see if your area has HUDD Senior Apts. The ones in my Township are very nice. They charge 30% of her monthly income. She then is responsible for her utilities which would be electric and cable. She may qualify for Food Stamps. Maybe Medicaid for her secondary insurance. My state it covers health, vision, prescriptions and dental. My State also has a prescription plan (PADD) for those people who make too much for Medicaid. If you can get her set up in a HUDD apt or a low income one then call Office of Aging to see what services they provide, like a bus.
I suggest you get POA while Mom can still make decisions. If she refuses, tell her then when she worsens the State will take over her care and they will make all decisions for her. You will not be allowed any input. (I think you can put input but she doesn't need to know that) If she refuses, then don't worry about it.
You may want to see if you can be payee on her SS unless u rather not. But by being Payee you give out her money to her. This way you r sure her bills are paid. Maybe continuing to pay part of her rent. As she gets worse you can have APS evaluate her situation. If they find she needs 24/7 care you either allow them to take over her care which I would do if she would not assign you POA.
Yes, your wife comes first. You may want to tell Mom now that things are opening up its time for her to find a place of her own. Her living with you is no longer an option and its not working. If she won't look for a place, you need to do it. Then u take her there and drop her off. Maybe telling her a little white lie that ur going to look at a place. Once there, you tell her this is now her home.
The only responsibility you may have towards Mom is to make sure she is safe, clothed and fed. When it comes time her Dementia has progressed to 24/7 care, you place her in a NH on Medicaid.
Aye, my lawyer did mention that possibility but he has had recent experiences with such issues, that is why he said to move to just put the burden on the state. We have tried to moving into her own apartment, but I screwed up hardcore by letting her stay with me in my house. Getting her to leave is extremely difficult since she is not willing.
The main issue I have is unfortunately she remembers doing all of this with my grandmother. I remember once I even tried to pull a similar trick she used on my grandmother when we wanted to get her out. I said “Mom, want to get your nails done, and maybe go out for lunch?” She said sure. When I got her to the office because she is so into appearances she did not act out but once we got into the car she let me have it. “How dare you!” You asshole!” “I trusted you!” So I think the white lie part will be rough because her memory is not so bad that she has forgotten that case.
Generally I have given up on the POA, I have tried, but if it does get to that point I do think her lawyer will take over. She does have a lawyer protecting her legal and personal autonomy. Plus it also works out since my wife also does not want me to have to deal with anything regarding her in the future unless she willfully accepts she needs help and does what she has to do.
Nevertheless, I will be looking into those programs and see what my state offers, and I will also look into local agencies to see what is offered. Since finding a place is the most important step, once that is done I can worry about getting her into that place.
Has anyone here dealt with such a situation before and how did you navigate it. I spoke with my own lawyer and he told me to leave the state put the burden on the state to come and find me. Since I do happen to live in a state that has filial responsibility laws.
Problem is a part of me does not want to see my mother suffer, but I am 30, my own personal life is just beginning. Though if anyone has an idea that limit the amount of suffering my mother would face I am all ears. Thank you so much for your time and experience.
If she throws a tantrum and tries to threaten the examiner. her behaviors will become a part of the examiner’s report.
Look for a psychologist/psychiatrist/neurologist practicing specifically in geriatric management.
We happened to be able to connect with a wonderful practice locally, and a gentle and perceptive Geriatric psychiatric Physician’s Assistant was able to pinpoint numerous specific symptoms through conversation, casual questioning and observation, that lead to a helpful report.
The general “screening” tests given by general practice physicians, even those who are specialists, don’t zero in as the geriatric/specialist dual training folks can do.
If you love your wife and she loves you, don’t give up your relationship without a fight. Your mother is ill, her brain has been compromised, and she is not motivated to change in a positive way.
When you have the information you need about her cognitive diagnosis and you have considered alternatives (Assisted Living? Memory Care?) you can make the most lovable decision available for her, and although she will fuss, maybe frighteningly, she WON’T “SUFFER” once she realizes that you have made the plan for the safest and most comfortable living arrangements you could make, and that you and your wife will continue to live together by yourselves.
Start your research for a geriatric diagnostician. Today!
The reality is my mother is that so far off the rails so to speak that she does not understand what is going on her with. The scary thing about this and one of the main reasons why my own neurologist will not even see her on my behalf boils down the fact that he knows—been my doctor for 24 years—my mother is a general lost cause.
Based off her CT, and MRI back from when she had her stroke, general progression after the stroke she most likely has vascular dementia. The part that gets me most is that she is fully aware and cognizant of what is going on with her yet refuses any level of help.
A part of me wonders if this would be this hard if my mother did not go with this with my grandmother. She keeps citing her experiences with my grandmother and the reason as to why she does not want help. I have tried to reach out to my half brothers and sisters to see if they would be willing to just come in and sit down ease her through all of this. Though I get why they want nothing to do with her she abounded each of them to save herself.
Either way no matter my fears getting the diagnosis will better equip me with more tools to help me so I will be working on getting that diagnosis.
Now you have her on APS radar it will be easier to walk away. I would hope a SW will be checking in. Your wife is and should be #1. Her needs above Moms.
Either way once I told them that I have no means to care for her and my doctors and lawyer provided me with the documentation to present to APS, SW etc . . . they backed off from harassing me. Either way sucks I have to leave my house but not worth the effort getting her removed.
In the end she has shown how resourceful she can be so who knows maybe things will workout for her. I know she is too stubborn to just die or take this laying down. :P
Suse it possible but it will be fought which would require me to stay in the state or at the very least deal with her and her attorney. Leaving the home is just the path of least resistance which allows us to move away and be far away from the situation.
Rremoving someone from your house if they fight it is not that easy of a task especially if they have no other means to afford or have another place to stay.
In short it is clear from a medical sense but from a legal sense it is not as cut and dry. Since she is able to cook clean shop and even passed a road test I still took her keys away. It is not fun.
In passing I asked my mom if she would be willing to look for a place to stay on her tablet. She agreed she found a few places should would be willing to go. Each are private facilities so once again no insurance so the cost will be on me. Though we do have appointments to see each place this week. A couple are in the area and one is in NY and the other is FL. So this week we will see the local ones and after her evaluation we will take a trip to see the NY and FL ones.
I am taking the next month or so off so I can focus on this and take some real action steps to better my situation. I did not realize how expensive long term care is. On a side note I am glad my father told me from an early age to get myself covered in those regards early on.
How many 1/2 siblings do you have?
The places she has picked are on the higher end in terms of scale. Not sure 100% the cost still have to speak with my wife though their over the phone estimates are financially possible for me to swing not without sacrifice. Though if she really is willing to go without a fight then in the long run it would it be cheaper and less stressful.
Cause end of the day she has until next year to get her s*** together. If she willfully wants help and goes through the channels and does not fight I will manage her care as long as she lives.
Though if not I am done I have to pick my own future over hers.
I have five but she abandoned them as children so I do not blame them for not wanting anything to do with my mom. Granted I do believe closure might do something for her but somethings time does not heal and can never be forgotten.