My sister and I are caregivers for our mom and step dad. The other sister lives an hour away from mom and has made it very clear she is not into caregiving but will come down every month or two to "clean" mom's house. Her cleaning leaves a lot to be desired because the floors and counters should be cleaned a lot more often, so caregiver sister and I end up doing all the cleaning once a week and don't mention it to Distant sister because she'll cop an attitude how we are not letting her help. Distant sister rarely visits and when she does, she makes promises to our parents that she either cannot or will not do. She's always in a hurry to visit and leave because she has so much to do in her yard. (my sister and I also have our homes and yards to keep up and I'm a widow) She has no children and hires the neighbor boy to help her. Her husband isn't into working in the yard like she is. She has 1 year before retirement and promises to drive to mom's 1x week to help out. I highly doubt she will. She reminds us to please keep her informed as to what is happening with mom's decline.
I'm at mom's 3-4 days a week and caregiver sister the same but on different days. I make notes on an email to distant sister then send it once a week.
Her response is always the email I sent her with highlighted bits and pieces pointing out this is a way she would not want to be treated. Example.....when going shopping (before virus) I was helping mom make up grocery list. I asked dad 4x if he has his wallet and checkbook (mom has Alzheimer's and dad has dementia) he would say yes he does, pat his pocket and say no I don't then go to bedroom for it and get distracted and come back out without it. Mom was being very difficult that morning but we were working through the list. Finally, dad said he did have it so we got on the road because we had a foot Dr appt. My fault ...I did not follow through to see if he had his wallet. When we got to our destination, he then realized he didn't have it and wanted me to take them home so he could get it and I refused to drive 1/2 hr back home and another1/2hr back into town for shopping. He was mad at me but I just paid for the groceries myself and he paid me back.
I mentioned this to my distant sister and there seemed to be no understanding of what my caregiver sister and I go through daily...just complaining about how I should have taken them back home to get his wallet because it was my fault it was forgotten I the first place because I didn't follow through to make sure he had his wallet. Also to make sure I knew that I should have taken them back home because that's the way she would treat them because that's the way she wants to be treated. She does this everytime I send her an email. She doesn't seem to get the point of the email about how much they are both declining. It's gotten to the point where I don't keep her updated because I know what her response would be. I don't have time for her nit picking. I'm tired. Now she tells my caregiver sister that I don't keep her updated. Caregiver sister doesn't respond and doesn't want to get into the middle of it because she totally understand where I'm coming from.
So...my question is: do I continue to keep distant sister informed or just save myself the hassle of emailing her with an attitude pointing out to me how I've failed in my caregiving duties. I'm trying as hard as I can but I'm human...I make mistakes... My feelings are to keep her updated and ignore her response but I'm starting to resent her attitude because my sister and I are doing the best we can and we are both pretty disgusted with distant sister. Thank you all for listening to me ramble on.
My husband was the 2nd oldest of 6. We lived about 90 minutes away and his two youngest sisters were living with Mom & Dad on the family farm. We did what we could when we visited to give them & Dad a break when Mom was sick. We made sure they knew how much we appreciated what they were doing and that we could not begin to understand the difficulty. By the time several years later it was time to help with Dad our son was older and we could spend more time helping until he need to go to a SNF.
1.If you could seek out a family counselor to act as a third party between you two that may greatly help. Think about this, something I did. Contact your local elder abuse agency. Start a report, meet with an agent. Get their email. You are being abused as well! Keep good records, and the most notable derogatory highlight emails from the sister. When you send an email, keep it short and copy the agent at the senior abuse agency. When I did this my brother went berserk but backed off.
2. Or put an elder abuse attorney on retainer and copy him/her.
3. Try to find trusted third party, maybe a family friend to copy all emails to.
4. Create a "update' list of email friends and other family members. Iclude your sisters derogatory ones. Let he know that others are reading her emails...this should stop her.
5. Don't accept phone calls from your sister. Insist that any of her correspondence be in writing. this sends a strong message that you are documenting her abuse to you.
6. Check with a couple care provider agencies and get written quotes on how much it would cost to take care of your mom. Share these with your sister.
Are you neing compensated for your work? If not, why not? There's other parts of this situation that have not been explained like finances, capacity, etc. If it is just a creepy bullying sister, then write her to stop bullying you.
let me share my mantra with you:
”Show up or Shut up!”
You have been such a gem in taking care of your parents with your other caregiving sister. Politely tell your absent/occasional sister to visit if she would like to see how your parents are doing.
We all have ideas of how we would handle certain situations until ,that is, we become involved intimately with those situations.
Just as in learning, book knowledge is one thing and the practical application of that knowledge is another.
You do enough as it is in taking care of your parents. Please don’t worry about emailing your other sister it’s just one more thing to drain your energy especially dealing with her commentary.
Bless you for doing what you do and let the nit picker “Show up or Shut up”❤️
Maybe find other tasks she can do that can wait for her visits. Agreed, that floor cleaning and other tasks like that need to be done more often. Keep your list of shopping needs and let her take the parents when she comes into town. When you know she is coming, make the dr appts and let her take them to that. If nothing else, when she arrives feign an illness and tell her you aren't up to it that day and she has to do it.
If you cannot find enough tasks, then let her spend that day with them doing whatever cleaning she wants to do while you and the other sister stay completely away from the house for a break.
You will never win with a non-caregiver, so figure out how to use whatever they are willing to give. Some don't even show with intent of doing anything. IF IF they show up, it's what I call a drive-by.
I am also in the same situation w 3 of my siblings, let's refer to them as the privileged ones. ( if anything just for a laugh bc God knows you need it in these situations) . There are 7 of us, 4 siblings are communicating about mom's care. At first I was asking the privileged ones if they wanted to be updated about mom. Mom is 88, (Mexican version of Mommie Dearest) She has beginning stages of Alzheimers.
I am very lucky to have lots of friends. One of my very best friends said to me "it is NOT your responsibility to tell your siblings how THEIR mother is doing!" They know her number and address. BAM! Hit me between the eyes! I let go of that burden and we haven't heard hide nor hair from the privileged ones.
I took care of both my parents on my own at the end of their lives —(Not looking for a pat on the back, just setting the stage). As my parents aged and declined, sibling by sibling dropped off from communicating with our parents, then with me. I begged for help, then begged for mere communication (first to us all, later just to parents) and ended up with “crickets.” Nothing from any of them, even though I had experienced lifelong closeness with each of them and their children.
Dad passed first, Mom survived for another three years and now, after the fact, I know that when they cut off contact with us, some of them were meeting with each other and lawyers, brainstorming about all the ways they could sue me after both parents passed (I live comfortably and mom and dad had saved carefully and they were strategizing about how to get the most from me and the estate, both).
So in the throes of mourning, I was visited by the local sheriff serving me with papers (by two sibs only, thankfully) alleging all kinds of things, including that I PREVENTED them from visiting and even calling my parents. I was completely stunned.
Fast forward, I prevailed in each of two lawsuits (and so did my lawyers). I should mention that those two siblings were living comfortably - I am still befuddled by their actions.
Why am I writing? Because you should put everything in writing. When your sister doesn’t show up, send her an email, acknowledging that she failed to make her commitment.
if you pay for groceries or other items your parents need and later get reimbursed, take clear notes and keep photos of the receipt (receipts rub off or “fade”) and also snap a picture of that reimbursement check. It may seem like a pain, but it could save you later.
Please learn from my heartbreak. Focus your attention and love (and expectations) on the sibling that is there for you. Write the other sibling off. You will likely come around to this in the long run and doing it now cuts your losses. You don’t need to contact or notify her. If she sends any emails or other written communication that accuse you of not providing updates, respond and tell her that you are busy taking care of your parents and you need her help, and even a visit would be helpful and if she wants to know how they are doing, she should prioritize a visit and find out first-hand.
Thank you for being one of those wonderful children who is there for your parents. You are a true hero. Remember you are doing in for your parents and not for “Sister-Ex.”
I have one, very wonderful sister who I communicate with daily. I have many wonderful nieces and nephews. My sister is worth them all and I would do anything for her. Save 100% of your sister-love for the sister who gives you her all. You are so lucky to have her!
One hour away!
Save yourself &
Hug the real sister there in trenches ~
With Distant Sister, I would limit my updates to bullet points, no details. "Everything went well this week. Went to the grocery, doctors offices. Doctors were please/changed meds, whatever. Hope you are having a good day." Don't give her amunition. If she asks why you changed your tactics, just say "It was too much to give you details all the time. The weight of caregiving is heavy enough, I don't need to rehash it all in my mind/on "paper" weekly. Sorry, that's the best I can do."
I like the idea for you and sister to write a list of chores for her.
It is TMI (too much information) to report the details you have.
It is an invasion of Dad and Mom's privacy, imo.
The whole wallet fiasco should have never been told to her.
I know that you need to vent, it helps us make sense of our feelings and we might even get some input that will help us be less adversely affected in future. Your sister is not the person you should be using as your sounding board.
I would send monthly updates about how your parents are doing, keep it sterile, like you are telling the doctor about things, leave you out of it completely. That way she has no ammunition to fire at you.
If she says anything you can politely tell her that any deeper information can be had by putting in a couple of weeks caring for mom and dad and giving everyone a break. She can only control you if you let her.
Take care of your family and yourself during this time. It is easy to fall into the routine that only the elders matter and that is not good for anyone.
It's your sisters problem not yours. That's her way of wanting to feel like she's contributing. SISTER, YOUR NOT HELPING. GET IN THE TRENCHES WITH THE REST OF US.
I finally got to the point where I didn't want to hear it anymore and told my sister, "If you think you can do better, you can take the lead for all of their care".
That was the end of that.
I sent emails, short and to the point unless something is revalent. No point in trying to help them see what you are going through, they never will accept that they are not doing their part.
You seem to be doing great. The situation will never be perfect. There are some things we have no control over especially how we want our siblings to be in regards to our parents care.
It took a while for me to "Let it go". It made me stronger. I will not allow to be criticized. I trust/hope you will eventually do the same. GOD BLESS!
As for her once a month help. Make a list throughout the month with your caregiver sister of tasks that neither of you can handle or want to handle. Email her a list once a month of those chores she could do - maybe doing something in your parents' yard, windows, gutters... anything that is harder to do while also watching your folks. Then, she is getting things done that would take you and your caregiver sister longer to do. Should be a win for everybody.
Since he preferred to not know (& then say melodramatically, “I had NO idea; no one told me”), we decided to keep him out of the loop because his “help” was really of no value. We did tell him of major changes, but not of the daily grind. 3 of us plus an aide took care of Mom at home for years. To keep each other informed, we maintained a notebook with daily information. Sometimes it was 1 or 2 sentences, other times it was a full page per day. It was interesting reading material for the long-distance, didn’t-help-but-knew-it-all brother who would visit once maybe twice a year & expect Mom to wait on him like she always did his entire life.
As to house cleaning, we finally hired someone to come in once a month to do the cleaning. Well worth the $100/month cost.
You & sister who share caregiving responsibilities get to decide the who, what, where, & when of Mom’s care. Stop with the rambling emails; they only invite criticism. You’ll never get a Thank You from her. How does your other sister keep the long-distance one “informed”? If she doesn’t, instead leaving that up to you, then you stop as well.
She doesn’t want to help so she puts blame on you. Sneaky. If you can, and I wish I had, keep her informed but do not expect anything from her because you won’t get it. It’s easier to keep doing what you are with parents with no help from other family members that disappoint and anger you. If she wants to clean house could you say, oh that’s ok. We have it taken care of. Maybe she just wants to visit and not help. possibility.
Sorry you are going through this I hope your situation gets better
Then keep updating your sister and don't read her responses at all.
on another note, it would help you tremendously if you would get an additional debit or credit card that you keep to make purchases. That way you don’t need to worry about his wallet. Also take photos of his Medicare and health insurance cards in case you take him to the ER or doctor's office and he doesn’t have them. I have a whole album on my iPhone photos of my dad's stuff.