My mom has been in MC for a month now. One of the parishioners of her church spoke to my dad and he told them about her move and dementia. Now I’m getting calls from the members that want to visit her and bring her gifts. All overwhelming. I am being very kind with them but it’s getting very intrusive and pushy. My mom is starting to get used to the MC and I don’t want to aggravate her. Ideas to help fend them off would be appreciated.
If your (collective) concern is that it is still too "soon" for mom to get visitors, because she is still adjusting to her new home, then I think honesty would be your best policy here. "Dad and I so appreciate your wanting to visit mom, but for the very short term, it's best she have limited visitors so she can get used to the nursing home. Dad and I would LOVE if you would hold off your visit for (xxx) amount of time, to give mom the best odds in a smooth transition. In the meantime, if you could send her a card or a note, that would be very kind of you."
I wouldn't be too quick to totally discourage any future visits, because for many residents of a home, these are too few and too far between. Even if mom can't remember who they are, future visits might cheer her more than you could imagine. Obviously, if the visits distress her, then that's an entirely different scenario. But she might very well come to a place where she can get visitors without undue stress.
Was your Mom or Dad very close to these people? Especially the pushy ones? Most of my sunday school group have known each other for years, having raised kids in the church and now having grandkids and great grankids. Many have had health problems. Two members, at least, are living with incurable cancer and come every week and are active participants. They all love, support and pray for each other. Thy have spent the majority of their adult lives together and been there for each other through good and bad. We share news about people's situations with their permission. Some celebratory, some mournful. I doubt people in your parents age range are naive to dementia issues and are gawkers.
I like the phone tree idea a lot. People want to be supportive, and if your Mom could enjoy visits, maybe later if not now, it may be of comfort to her, your Dad or even you when things become even more difficult later on.
My phone is sometimes busy with text messages for prayers, meal trains, and updates from this group. It can feel overwhelming at times, but I know they would be doing the same for me. Better than no one caring.
I pray things go as well as they can under the circumstances for you, your Mom and Dad.
So you tell them that you're sure your mom would love to see them just not all at once. Perhaps they can space out their visits to just once every other day for the time being.
And don't worry, if it goes as usual, those church visits will eventually taper off to next to never anyway.
Say that you feel that it is too soon for a visit. If you don’t want to close the door entirely, you might also add, that you will let them know if the situation changes.
Keep a list of names and numbers. Or, get email addresses and send a group email.
If someone is calling that you feel would not be good company for her, say that the staff has recommended that she shouldn’t receive any visits from anyone outside of family.
If you really want to cut the conversation short, you can say that she isn’t receiving any visitors without any explanation. You don’t owe them a reason.
I understand how these calls feel like an invasion of your privacy right now. The family is trying to adjust to this situation alongside your mom.
If you change your mind about visitors later on, that’s okay too. What do you think your mom would like?
I suppose your dad wanted to tell them about his situation or that they asked him about your mom and he told them.
If your dad needs to talk about his feelings, ask him if he is interested in participating on this forum.
Another thing you could do is ask if they have a choir that would be interested in making an appearance to perform for the residents.
When my mom was in rehab in a facility, the residents really enjoyed the chorus groups that sang hymns.
I am also uncomfortable around people that make immediate assumptions without knowing what is actually going on.
Perhaps, they do mean well but lack tact, and have poor communication skills. Nevertheless, it is insensitive to your needs during this transitional period.
How does your dad feel about visitors? Does he need time alone with your mom for a while?
I think it's great they want to visit her, but I totally understand how it's impacting you. Maybe you can refer these friends to an online sign-up app or ask someone at the church to manage this schedule so you don't have to field calls.
Is your Mom on any meds for mood/anxiety/depression? If not, this may help.
Explain to them that this is all new to mom and that she needs to get settled in and used to the routine.
You can also explain that if it does become overwhelming that visiting will be more limited.
Trust me the vising sadly will not last long as these "well wishers" will go on with their lives.
The ‘visiting tree’ sounds like a good idea, to pick up on later. For now, ask callers if they would be willing to organise it, or if they know someone who would do it. That will also help to sort out people who really care.
Are you certain she would not want visits from them?
Or is it that her dementia is so far advanced that she would not know who they are, and would be upset by the visits?
In either case, this isn't a very difficult problem. If you and Dad are her POA you simply go to the Pastor of the Church and ask that there be an announcement that she cannot receive visits and that they are confusing/upsetting for her, but that their loving prayers are appreciated.
You can also let the Nursing Home know exactly who CAN visit and no others. They will turn people away at the desk.
Best to you.
In other words, don't call me, I'll call you.
Only you know what will upset or aggravate your mother, not a bunch of forum users on the internet. Plus, nosey gossiping women DO exist in life, even in churches! I know that for a fact.
Only you or Dad will know when Mom may respond well to visitors .
My mother with dementia did not want her neighbors or her few friends visiting her at all . She specifically told me not to tell them she was in AL . Mom was embarrassed . Mom’s desire to keep her location private never changed .
Perhaps after your Mom adjusts , you could ask Mom who she would like to visit her from church if any . Maybe Mom can express the names of those she considered to be genuine friends , or can recognize names of people she is comfortable with if you tell her names of people at church . If not maybe Dad can weed out those that are just curious .
After Mom adjusts more , asking Mom about who she would like to visit her may be a good way to see if she is ready for visitors. The subject of visitors can always be brought up again , one “No” from Mom doesn’t have to mean never .
I didn't want visitors in the first two weeks after surgery. I needed to sleep and take care of myself, and I asked them to stay away. My neighbor didn't want the whole neighborhood dropping in after her husband died. People respected her wishes. One of the worst days in my life was when I brought my firstborn home from the hospital, and our dear friends came "to see the baby" and stayed for three hours (I'd had a difficult childbirth, didn't want to talk about it, and thought it would be rude to ask them to leave so I could rest). Another neighbor wanted people to drop in and stay all day every day during her recovery from surgery, so she wouldn't feel lonely.
It's an individual thing. Do what you think your mom would want.
I asked the OP in an earlier post how her mom felt about receiving visitors.
I agree that the family should require certain stipulations be honored if they decide to allow visitors.
If people weren't visiting your mom before she was in memory care, I would be careful about introducing a new slate of visitors for her. Was your mom a social person before? If not, consider just one or two people who will commit to visiting her consistently for the long term. This would allow them to accumulate some experience on how to support her and be sensitive to her ever changing abilities and needs, and allow your mom to adjust to them. It's not all memory loss and repetitive conversation, it can also be very uncomfortable talk of confabulations and paranoia that some visitors might feel compelled to report or gossip about, such as "someone stole your mom's wedding ring", or "she said no family has visited her in weeks" (my dad, even though I came almost every day). Limited visitors would also allow your dad to receive meaningful feedback. Most people with cognitive issues need consistency and routine, not a parade of even more faces every week.
I continued (paid) "social companion" visits for my dad when he entered memory care. Even when he was getting these visits in his home, we limited it to three individuals. I was startled when after about a month in MC, one of the staff said the visitors were taking him out of the routines of the home like dining with the other residents and joining in on "fitness" games, that this might slow his adaptation to his new environment, and that sometimes my dad slept through their visit.
In retrospect, I believe I insisted on keeping the socializing service to help ME feel better. The visitors were a second set of eyes and ears to report back to me (in addition to the staff). Also, it was very hard for me to admit that my father had declined to the level that I perceived the other residents to be at, though of course I could only see on a superficial level how the other residents were functioning. I felt the visitors allowed him to continue to function at a higher level, and I still believe it did, for a while. The visitors also allowed me to take more time for myself.
I believe supporting your FATHER needs to be at the center of this decision. If your father is getting adequate support, your mom will be too.
We should respect people’s wishes and protect their privacy even if they haven’t asked for it.
You have a right to this and any right-thinking person would gladly honor your wishes.
This is a personal choice for your mom to make. Regardless of visitors good intentions, she shouldn’t feel pressured to receive any visitors from the church if she doesn’t want to see them.
One of my dad’s brothers had horrible memories of his childhood church.
My father and his brothers grew up in a rural part of Florida They went to a strict Pentecostal church. My uncle stopped attending church when he became an adult.
My uncle made it known to everyone that he didn’t want visitors from a church or any kind of clergy visiting him.
I remember my uncle asking the hospital chaplain to please leave his room. My parents told the hospital staff not to send clergy to his room.
My uncle did not believe in God. He knew that he was dying from cancer and told my parents that he was donating his body to science. He didn’t want any religious service when he died and my parents respected his wishes.
Before my mom was diagnosed with dementia, my husbands aunt developed dementia and she lived an hour and a half away and we ended up moving her closer to us so we could manage her care as we were the only family she had. We never dreamed that we would need to tell people that this was a locked down memory care unit and we were not allowing random visitors to show up unannounced. Her church loaded a bus of people and drove the hour and a half and visited her without us knowing. She was a very private person and carried herself in old school style with hair set and dresses with panty hose every day, etc. Very prim and proper. Obviously in late stage dementia she was no longer able to maintain herself in that way. She would have been mortified that those people came to see her had she been in her right mind. They obviously didn't understand that she no longer knew them...she didn't even know us. She was incontinent, she was cursing which was totally out of character for her and they are the last thing she needed walking in the door unannounced. These people are pushy and you have to be firm and upfront with them and just tell them no.
Your obligation is to your moms wellbeing...not theirs.
Set up a group chat on social media. When a person calls, tell them you'll put them on the chat and to not call you again. You will update everyone on your mother and anything new. Then don't take anymore calls.
Put it in the chat that if they want to send cards to send it to you and you'll make sure she gets it, but please do not send gifts. If they want to contribute a cash donation to her memory care/nursing home in-house account for things like hair cuts and other incidentals then set that up for online donations that go through you.
And . . . it takes a toll when people are warehoused and removed from their friends. It is really heartbreaking when you see people who are mildly challenged placed in an environment where most of the other people are significantly or extremely challenged.
Random visitors from the church could be disorienting and irritating for her. On the other hand, a friend from the church who she is familiar with, and who intends to visit regularly would likely be a good thing.
I visit a friend with AD weekly. Her son visits probably 3-4 times a week. My friend has told me directly how much she appreciates my visits. Sometimes she is too tired or otherwise not interested in a long visit, and I leave. Sometimes I take her out of the facility and for a drive along the coast and once in a while we sit under a pavilion by the beach. She loves that. I rarely see other visitors at the facility. Residents there are happy to see me even though I rarely spend much time with them -- but a smiling visitor who says "hello" seems to really make a difference, even if for a moment. I am not surprised.
You are doing the right thing for your father. Thank you for your post and your detailed description.
I took care of my Mom for about 7years in my home. She was a sweetheart. At times it was very easy. However, there were multiple ambulance rides and hospitalizations and dr. appointments. The last 3 months of her life was in a nursing home, and I visited 2 times a day. I helped to feed her, combed her hair, bought her new clothes and tried to bring in home cooked meals. I also brought her home for Holidays. She felt loved and said so. My sister, brother and father (her husband) may have visited only one or two times. My son and daughter visited multiple times. The other grandchildren although welcome never visited.
I think our personal stories are useful as an educational tool for others. Your story is one of love, positivity, compassion and insight. I wish you and your dad the very best.