What would you do?

Question

What would you do?

Follow

Share

After a 7 yr marriage, 6 years have been exclusively 24/7 caregiving. In 2018 he was hospitalized 13 times followed 4 times by rehab hospital.
Beyond the 4 major health issues of my 89 yr old husband, ( CHF, insulin dependent diabetes, stage 3+ kidney disease, multiple myeloma, delusional, parasitosis, 2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement and suprapubic catheter maintenance) ...ongoing dealing with a enabled family of adult children....I am contemplating leaving.
I am 82 and was in great health when we married & he was reasonably healthy. I love him, obviously one couldn’t do this otherwise. I have recently hired relief 12 hours a week .
I can’t seem to take the step to go, but I-know I need to save my life.
Thank you for listening.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Marriage Senior Health

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

46 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

Are there any other options? Might he be placed in LTC? Would you be able to visit him there? Or are you saying that this has not been the man you married for 6 of the 7 years and you must move on?
Make your decision, then see a lawyer to advice about separating finances, legal separation versus divorce, giving up POA if you are guardian or POA.
Is your husband capable of being aware of how he has changed? Have you and he discussed this? In a mentally functional person I would think there would be a discussion. If there has not been, then your first requirement is to let him know the truth. That you have really got limitations you were not aware of when you married and before things changed so suddenly, so quickly. That you will be separating (start there) and that his family and he will have to make the decisions about where he will live and who will care for him.
I think only you can make this decision, and I think you SHOULD make it. If you are his POA then draw his family together and tell them the simple truth. Do not expect they will not be enraged. They will be. You will have to have the strength to move past that. They should take on being his POA and his guardian. They can decide about home care versus in facility care for the remainder of his life.
I can only tell you that THIS is what I would do, myself. I cannot tell you what you should do. Expect the world to condemn you, because of course they will. That's to be expected. Then get on with all the move and separation; that will be quite enough for you to handle. I wish you the best. I am so sorry. I hope you will update us.

Helpful Answer (24)

Report

As always... your wisdom is on point!

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Alva asked some very important questions. And blended families with adult children are fraught with complicated emotions in these types of situations. Therefore I agree that they won't be happy with you leaving. And ditto to before you do anything definitely talk to an estate planner/divorce attorney to sort out the finances as this WILL BE the hot button with his children. When you are ready to tell your side of the story, it may be best to type it out and read it to them. The shorter the better. You don't owe them any explanation, but I think something is better than nothing: that at your age you aren't physically, mentally or emotionally prepared for the onslaught of his health responsibilities and now you're concerned that you yourself will decline to the point of needing someone else's help. So, who would be doing that? (Rhetorical question for his kids). If they've been keeping in contact with you two they can't deny what's been happening to him. Time will need to pass as they process all of it. I wish you all the best as you consider your options.

Helpful Answer (14)

Report

You are standing in a field of landmines. Very dangerous ground.

I, myself, lean heavily on Jesus when navigating such no-win situations. Listening to His promptings leads me through safely, peacefully. Remember, God still loves you no matter what you do. Put your dear husband in His hands.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I am happy for you if your faith brings you comfort, but God and Jesus are not taking over the hands-on care giving that has grown too much for sixyears.

(27)

Report

I was in this same situation. Stuck it out for 15 years. Finally, his medical team told me the only way I would get his adult children (who lived in the same town as us) to help was to leave. The one complication I didn't have was marriage. Due to age difference, we didn't tie the knot. Left in 10/20 & spent the winter alone. Miss him greatly but am moving on with my life. His kids did step in after I left. This is a very hard decision!

Helpful Answer (13)

Report

I have had to do that recently. We were together for 24 years and the last 7 and 1/2 years I was his caregiver and POA. Suddenly my 86 year old Loved One lost the ability to walk (dementia burned out that control in his brain) which helped me make the decision to enroll him in an assisted living facility. His adult daughters thought I should bring him home and get a few hrs. of in-home care. I told them I already had signed up for in-home health care but within that week of signing up the legs "went". I asked if they would take Family Medical Leave to help (we are in a different state than the daughters). The answer was "not at this time." I waited 30 seconds and said to them "I'm done." And a few minutes later they affirmed that I knew best. I'm lucky to have that outcome, but I've worked over the years to not expect too much from the daughters - their dad and I are not married but they consider me his caregiver and realize they just keep in touch occasionally. To your point, I am a fairly healthy 75 year old and have given all I can to my LO. Now the professionals are doing the job. After a month in the AL my loved one is content, clean and looking far better than when he was admitted to the facility. I know I made the right decision, at the right time, for the right reasons. I'm working on some health issues of my own and continue building a life for myself. The time I spend visiting my loved one is pure joy, no more struggles to shower, shave and trim his nails, etc.. He's with others to be entertained by, or not. He's happy, I'm relieved. Fortunately, the daughters are ok with all and I text pictures of him to them every 2 weeks or when the spirit moves me. I'm trying to not be resentful as those negative feelings toward the daughters do not help me or anyone else. I made my decision and stood by it. That's where the strength is, not with the daughters.

Helpful Answer (44)

Report

StandstoReason I admire you that you have made a decision for the well-being of your SO and yourself. It's tough to make these decisions particularly when dealing with extended family, sometimes it feels like you spend years rowing upstream.

I wasn't dealing with a SO rather both parents and the sibs and their offspring didn't visit Dad for the last 18 months of his life nor call frequently. Dad in his final years let my sibs contact him rather than calling them (for a multitude of reasons) primarily because "If I start calling them, I'll never get a call. They'll leave all the calling to me" And he was correct in thinking that way.

Dependent upon whether you want to have much contact with the daughters perhaps you should hold back on sending many pics for a bit and make them come to you. It certainly will give you an indication of how much interest there is in their dad (given that you send pics every couple of weeks I'm making the assumption they don't visit very frequently.)

Good luck to you and rest assured you did the right thing. As I often tell people, putting my parents into LTC was about getting them to safety.

(6)

Report

I don't think it is so much an issue of you deciding to leave as it an issue of you deciding that he needs more care than you can give and how best to get him that care. It sounds to me like it is time for your husband to move to some sort of care facility. I think that will accomplish much of what you are hoping for without you having to leave him. Honestly, I am surprised his doctors haven't already suggested this.

Helpful Answer (24)

Report

And who are you going to leave him with?

It sounds like he needs to be in a Nursing Home ASAP. Do it for him and yourself!

Helpful Answer (13)

Report

I am sorry that you are in this difficult situation. You need to consider your health. I agree with others that you should place your loved one in assisted living. You can still visit and oversee his care, but maintain your own health.
If your husband is a veteran, reach out to the VA for assistance.
Best wishes.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Hi, I can relate to what you are going through. I've been married for almost 25 years. We married when I was mid 30's and he was 42. He started having problems about a year into the marriage and has declined ever since. I was his caregiver. I got to a point with my own health issues that I could no longer be a caregiver for my husband. It was ruining my health and sanity. He is now in long term care and will not be coming home.

My advice to you is get your husband in a long term care facility. It's not an easy decision, but you're fighting for your health and sanity.

I hope this helps.

Helpful Answer (15)

Report

If I were you I would place him in a long term care facility where they have three shifts of folks who can take care of him appropriately. Don't ask his children, tell his children that you are 82 yrs old and can no longer physically or mentally be a 24 hour a day caregiver. Give them the name of the facility where there dad will be going and the visiting hours.

It really is that simple. I promise you that none of his children are going to jump up and say no wait a minute, I will take dad in and care for him...

Helpful Answer (32)

Report

Exactly

(4)

Report

I have been caring for my husband (married 34 yrs) in an escalating manner (he has brain cancer) for 15 years. Last fall I had to put him in assisted living-nursing home care was actually ordered by 2 physicians but as he is just 55, I couldn't do it. You will wreck your health...trust me. At 55 I feel 75 from exhaustion and yes, it has taken a physical toll. You deserve to have a life and most importantly YOUR health. You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm. Save yourself. You can still 'care for him' by getting him the best place possible, visiting, participating in care plan meetings etc. Take care of you because it doesn't sound like anyone else is!

Helpful Answer (26)

Report

Hal a loo ya.
Thank you for this response.
You are a living saint.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

I hope the 12 hours a week will become more...Like 30 or 40 hours a week.
that alone will give you a break and allow you to reclaim part of yourself again.

With several of the diagnosis he has he might be eligible for Hospice. If so you would also get help in several times a week with a CNA as well a Nurse that would check him weekly. You would also have the services of a Social Worker, Chaplain as well as other services AND you can request a Volunteer to help you out they can either just sit with him and read, talk, cards and such and or they can help you .
And also because it is me responding...is your Husband a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served he might be eligible for a little help or a LOT of help. Well worth a call to your local Veterans Assistance Commission or the VA to find out. (Oh, some of the regulations have changed and in many instances Spouses can now get paid for caring for the Veteran. Wish that were the case when I was caring for my Husband)
As you get used to having more help you might change your mind.
However....if you don't
consult with an Elder Care Attorney. to protect yourself as well as him. You may need a Special Needs Trust.
And you do know you will get all sorts of nasty remarks from "friends", acquaintances and and people you don't even know about leaving him when he is in failing health.
But you have to do what is right for you. It is your health that must also be taken into consideration.

And last comment...if you can not safely care for him at home placing him in a facility that is appropriate should not be ruled out. That can range from Assisted Living, Memory Care to Skilled Nursing.
And to clarify when I say SAFETY I mean your safety as well as his. If there is a possibility that you will become injured while helping him who cares for you and him while you heal?

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

It is for reasons like this that I recommend strongly that the patient decides not to have life-prolonging medical treatment but instead to let go, and they receive support from their families. Better die sooner rather than hang on and see the quality of the life decline so much.

The best gift of love is to let go.

Helpful Answer (13)

Report

All the suggestions written about getting help are good ones. Finding a care facility could give you the relief you need and effectively feel like a divorce, but if you feel you need an actual divorce instead, get one. This is your life.

What others think doesn’t matter. Your true friends will stay by your side and you don’t need anyone who doesn’t.

Your financial situation should be weighed before divorcing. Some divorce to protect themselves financially, of course others stay for security.

Alternatively, if his children have POA, they could divorce you even if you wanted to stay (to protect their future inheritance).

I would include your husband and his children in the process (but only) after you have made the decision that is right for you.

If you are leaving anyway, allow his children the opportunity to step up and take him in (before making other arrangements) or help pick a long term care option that allows them convenience if they choose to become more involved.

When the dust settles, they will be grateful that you have been there for these really difficult six years. They may already be wondering how you have been able to manage for this long.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

He sounds like a hospice candidate. Talk to his doctor.

Helpful Answer (12)

Report

How will you feel about breaking your vows? Is your life really in danger? Or is it your health ? I have been in your place. Hubby died last year. I have regrets, something I can no longer do anything about. Your leaving will just give you a different set of problems. You seem to be feeling sorry for yourself as I did but even though you are suffering your husband is suffering more! You should start thinking about researching what help is available for you for you need taking care of also. As an 82 year old woman and now a widow I can tell you I am alone with no one to take care of but myself. And this is important, I would do anything and do it better if I could have my very ill husband back. If you love someone as you say you do, you DO NOT leave! You keep looking for and find the help you need to take care of yourself and your husband. Your situation is far from unusual and though you are near a breaking point, you are not helpless. You do not leave a sick husband and live happily ever after. If your husband is physically abusive to you the situation is different but leaving is not the answer and you will have to live with your guilt and weakness the rest of your life. You sound unhappy, scared, and tired, and there is loads of things you can do just do the searching necessary instead of “saving” yourself. If you can post to this website you can do the research. If you want pity, you have it but pity self-serving and not helpful and a waste if not accompanied by useful suggestions.What you need is someone to tell you life is not fair and you are wanting to bail out of a difficult situation! I would like to know why you think your life is in danger! Perhaps this just means you want a better life. My husband passed away last year and I still want a better life so leaving will not automatically give you that. Most of my friends have passed away so as sick as my husband was I chose to find help for both of us, kept him at home with me, and found ways to make him and me happy. Was it easy?
. Heck no, and at one point I went into my room and screamed for five minutes, got angry with God, and scared the dog in the process! And then I went forward with my/our day!This is what you do when taking care of someone you love!!!!

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Breaking the vows? Do you really think this person needs a guilt trip on top of all she is coping with? Vow regarding "till death do us part" Whose death? Because this woman is going to wind up self-destructing at the rate she is going. It is one thing to love those we care for, to give it our all, out of love, for love, whatever. Many sons and daughters make the same sacrifices...but what will the plan be if the caregiver dies? Who will be there and fill the role then? I hate to repeat myself, but others have heard/read my story of nearly dying last fall, having been in good health, or so I thought, until I suddenly wasn't and nearly died of dissected aorta. I was rushed via rescue to the local hospital, airlifted to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic, underwent emergency surgery. Forced into rehab. Was away from those I cared for a month, traumatized, suffered. All of our family lives out of state. NEighbors were wonderful but only to a point. Sibling came in for less than a week, then blamed me for my illness that I should have known about per her opinion, did some other damages, and proceeded to tell others how SHE was angry at my (lifelong) inability to swallow pills(and yes, I know all the tricks). What works for one person doesn't work for another no matter the similarities. Hopefully this person will find some relief in respite, possibly be able to find and afford more. Your response reminds me of the ignorant people who respond to bathing issues with the "create a spa like environment". FInd someone to tell you life is not fair my a**. I'm sure this person realized this long ago. What she needs is a hug, not a know it all telling her what you do when you love someone, or how she sounds.

(23)

Report

See 5 more replies

I write from the perspective of the patient. I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago with Early Onset ALZ. My DW and I have had a couple of long talks over these past 5 yrs about what I want for my future care. I've told her once I get to the point that I am no longer an active participant in the day to day life of our family, I want her to put me in a MC facility at least 100mi from our home. Today my DW joins me in retirement and we'll now have time to go and visit a couple of facilities providing MC. I've told her I don't want o become her full time job 24hrs a day as my Caregiver. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me. I want her to be able to go on with her life and do the things she'd like to do. I believe this will keep her from regretting that she couldn't enjoy life the way she'd like to, and no I don't think of this as her abandoning me.

My opinion at this stage of the game, arrange to put your husband in a MC Facility and if you feel you need to get a divorce, do so. I believe you've earned some quality time for yourself. I believe you'd still be able to visit him in MC. at your age, you should not hesitate to do what is in your best interest.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Thank YOU for writing. No one could say it better than YOU.
We are on the outside looking in. You speak golden wisdom and support. I so appreciate you sharing your feelings here. Many will benefit from your kindness. Gena

(4)

Report

See 1 more reply

You are in a tough situation. Its time to consider placing your husband in a facility to receive the continual care he requires, or hire in home help 8 hours a day or more. Assuming his children have not stepped up to assist, have a frank conversation with them. You can't just walk away and abandon him, but you can take action to take the responsibility of another's life off your shoulders with a clear conscience.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

When the going gets tough!!

What if the roles were reversed and you got catastrophically sick.

You thought you were marrying a relatively healthy senior to spend your golden years together. I could understand that.

Research SNF. Because that’s the kind of care it sounds like he needs. Then you could look for a better opportunity.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

It is time to meet with an elder law attorney to fully discuss all options and their attendant costs. Clearly, 12 hours a week isn't enough respite for you. He needs placement in a facility or at the very least adult day care so that you can have a fuller safer quality of life.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Since you love him, I think leaving him completely is a decision you will regret. The answer lies in more care taking hours by professionals, whether it be in home or a facility. If you can get him into a hospice care facility you would be getting him quality care and much more time to yourself.
You don't mention your finances it would be in your best interest to have a consultation with a qualified elder care attorney to ensure you have the right documents in place, i.e. Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare Proxy, Will, etc
as well as give you advice on existing assets.
Last, stay on this site - it's a Godsend in helping you cope when you feel overwhelmed.
My heart goes out to you - let us know what you decide to do.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thank you for the legal considerations you mention. I had not thought through this aspect.

(1)

Report

sixyears...you care, or you wouldn't be trying to figure this out. I'd say, like "jacuiblu2," having also been married to a man for thirty years with genetic dementia; you can learn to shutdown or cope in some way; ultimately, though what kind of existence is that? Or, maybe that's it; existence not living. I need to make this decision too, and as I contemplate it and talk it through, this is what I'm thinking: long term memory care communities can take care of your husband in a way actually, that you cannot: visiting him, volunteering (if you have the financial means) with the time you have freed up while he is being taken care of beautifully...is the way to give. Your husband surely would want that for you. Life is not so clear-cut to say one thing is right for all, when really instinctively...you know what is best for him, and yourself. Let go and respect his memory from a distance while he is being taken care of by professionals because you are still vital to others who may need you healthy and one day, God willing, happy again. May you be guided and blessed in your decisions in this time of need.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Thank you so much for your compassionate reply. Existence is indeed a word I’ve added to my explanation of my life today. You give me lots to think about.

(1)

Report

I understand you're exhausted and feeling helpless, but I have a feeling that were you not with this man you'd still be 82 and not in the same health you were when you were 75. I hope it has occurred to you that your husband was 82 when you married, then the next year things went south. Are you so sure that won't happen to you?

If there's no love left nor commitment to the marriage, then you might as well walk. No one needs to have someone around who despises them for their infirmities.

If that isn't the case, then there are many good suggestions here to help resolve your problems.

Good luck.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I do not despise him or blame him for his illnesses. My commitment to him however, has left me drained and sad. This forum is helping me look at my situation from different perspectives. Thanks for your input.

(1)

Report

I completely sympathize w your situation. Sounds like your marriage has been all caregiving. It’s hard to continually do for a spouse when you don’t get anything in return. However, when two people get married, esp in the church, it is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, etc. Please know I am not judging you. I help care for my mom with dementia and I know how unbelievably difficult It is.

Does your husband appreciate what you’re doing for him? Can you get more help from professional caregiving agencies? What will happen to him if you leave?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Yes, he does appreciate me & the ongoing duties to keep him going. All his physicians remind him of my love for him.
your questions are a part of my hesitancy...trying to imagine his life without me here. Finances are an issue.

(1)

Report

It sounds like he does not have much of an existence himself. How long until his
2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement get better? Will he be getting better in anyway? Do you have any kind of a relationship with him? Talking, laughing, sharing? Or is that non existent now? I feel for you.

Can you approach the enabled adult children to help out with his care?
You leave and they come in and take full care, taking turns 1 week at a time.
You leave and go have a mini vacation, rest, relax just get out of the bubble.
Or get more relief help? Leaving is tough. Do you always feel like leaving? Or only when you just can't take it anymore?

I would really make an effort to get more help to the point where you are good and can continue to live a healthy normal life. Enough help so that you do the minimal necessary and can revert to the role of just being his wife and loving support as a companion and not a nurse.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes, we do still talk, share feelings and laugh at the absurdity of life. Much is changing as I feel more defeated & in truth, he understands. This is difficult at best. Thank you.

(1)

Report

Wow, I feel for you - YOU deserve this remaining time to be free of stress and have some peace. You MUST do this. Yes, you do love him, I am sure - but the entire situation is destroying you and that must stop at once. Instead of you leaving and giving up your home where you live, immediately find a way to place him - the family won't help so don't pay attention to what they say. If you place him, he will have care and you will have a chance to live in peace while you can. There is NO other way unless you get a full-time caretaker.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Thanks for helping me see through some of the fog. Thank God for this forum!

(2)

Report

sixyears

I truly sympathize with your despair. You stated you love him, but understandably feel overwhelmed and want to reclaim your life and health. Your husband has a lot of problems. In the most simplistic terms, you need practical help so you can retain the role of loving wife without being a full-time nurse, either in-home help or placement of your husband in some kind of care facility. I would seek counseling about how to best meet you and your husband's needs.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I'm guessing you don't love him as much as you feel obligated to him.
and perhaps your love has waned because you haven't felt truly loved in a long time.
But, if you were to leave, would you truly be free?
Use some of your newly free time doing things that make you feel good.
Join a gym, power-walk in the park, enjoy a cup of coffee and read a juicy suspense novel.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Leave yesterday.
As some have said (I didn't have time to read all the responses), place him and/or get the best situation / care you can. Then, LET GO and if inclined to believe, LET GOD. You've done more over these years than many would - value the quality of your own life and the time you have left to live. We are with you in spirit, supporting you to have a life, and life experiencing bringing you enjoyment or at least some peace and hopefully, a few laughs with old and new friends.
God bless you for all that you are and have done. It is YOUR time now.
Gena aka Touch Matters P.S. DO get into therapy during this transitional (thinking stage - to doing). It is not easy and get all the support you can.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Your understanding of my reality, touches my heart. Thank you.

(1)

Report

You have to take your oxygen first. Hopefully, he has children who care about him. Get a divorce or a separation or just go.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

What a great way to see my own future...take my oxygen first. Thank you!

(2)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

What would you do?

46 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions