Mom died 2 years ago, dads 80. Alzheimer's ran all through his dad and uncles and aunts. So far so good. Dad moved in 2 years ago, he is not as active as he was before as he was working full time. Now he sits all day. No physical or mental activity. He has a computer, smart phone, car and anything he needs basically. Trying to get him active, he is now active in a church which is great. Pushing him to get more active in clubs but he doesn't go much (always an excuse).
My wife and I went out for 2 hours yesterday. Came home and it looked like we got ransacked. Drawers in the kitchen open, scissors left out, lights on all over the place. Hall closet doors wide open and dog gate away from the steps with his shirt hanging over it. It was like he just walked through and left everything open intentionally. I asked him about it and he was like "I don't remember that"...... It was within maybe an hour. I asked him what was was ding and he said he was looking for an item to give a friend of mine (he goes to church with) and I assume putting dog food away.... "then I got tired" (it was between 2 and 4 pm).
He has always been forgetful and left everything for mom to take care of. This was totally out of the norm. My wife and I are going away this weekend. We are boarding our dog as he wont pay attention to her. My wife is very worried as he has previously left the oven on and fallen asleep, left the doors unlocked in the house. While he lived on his own for 2 months He used to forget his dog was outside and it would be out all night walking all over his neighborhood or.
I know I am probably blowing this out of proportion but it does concern me. I am trying to get him to walk or get active but he wont. He does see Dr.s so that is good but what else do I look for?' Do I get surveillance tools for the house? It was hard for me to get over the guilt moving him in and my going out and I am just getting to the point where I get out with my wife more often but now it is a different list of worries. I try to let him alone and be responsible for himself as mom did it all. An I try to give him space as we like our space (for now it works). He has his own living area but we eat dinner together.
I work at home so I see him every day all day. Now what do I look for? He does his laundry, drives handles his bills (I watch over them). I know what dementia and Alzheimer is and can see when it starts (have 2 elderly friends who are in the middle of it now). Tiers has been a long time coming but what are early things to look for? Am I just being over concerned?
Not a hypochondriac but concerned.
tgengine, when I read the later things you wrote on this thread you reminded me so much of myself when I was going through the adjustment phase of living with my parents. Things were different than I was used to and they just didn't act like I thought they should. Now, of course, both of them had dementia, so their behaviors were "off" because of that. And they were both very difficult people in their own ways. I was always thinking that they should be doing certain things that would be better for them. I could never convince them to do them, though, because it wasn't what they wanted.
What Jeanne wrote is true. It may be that you need to adjust your thinking to let your father be himself, then make sure that his behaviors won't cause harm to himself or your house. Since he got offended at the notes left by your wife, it may be that he thinks that you think he's crazy or incompetent. He is finding that offensive.
One thing I would do is think about how much might be your father's true level of competence and how much might be your expectations of him. If your expectations are too high, he will be sure to fail each "test" that you throw at him. Be realistic. If you are expecting too much of him and pressure him, it may be better for everyone if he were living in an independent living facility. Sometimes people can be like oil and water -- they just don't mix, though nothing is wrong with either.
If you decide that living together is best, one thing that can help you is to decide what is really important and what you can let slide. Lights that are left on can cost extra money, but it happens with older people. TVs get left on, too. Stoves being left on, however, are a totally different matter. You have to choose your battles and let the other things slide. Your dad is who he is and you'll drive yourself and him crazy trying to make him someone else.
We all know parents who wish their kid would be like the one who was featured in the local paper, who are constantly saying, "why can't you be more like your cousin?" who have a wonderful kid but who can't see it because they have other images in their mind of what their kid should be like.
What's the Big Deal with the doors? Other than the laundry is there some important reason the doors have to a certain way? (Your way?) And PLEASE stop trying to figure out the reasons behind his every movement. Is it depression? Is it spite? Is it mental decline? Is it a power trip? Does it matter? You love him. You want to find a way to cope with his behavior -- whatever is causing it. Concentrate on that.
He and I went round and round about closing doors in the house (civil conversation), I keep our laundry room door open while laundry is hanging dry so it doesn't get humid. He keeps closing the doors (many times a day I open them he closes them). I really think it is a spite thing. He can't close cupboard doors in the kitchen. So not sure it is a memory thing just he wants it done his way. It is like living with a child you can't yell at. I respect my father, I don't yell or raise my voice and I do let him know when things need to be done. We installed french doors in my office (now his living room) for quiet. Seems to work well to keep his TV noise from interrupting ours. He keeps his volume at a high level and watches every cursing show bleeping all day and evening.
Most times he just does what he wants, we have to feed and let his dog out. He wakes around 10 AM, we have to let his dog out of his room at 6 AM so the dog can pee because he refuses to let the dog out at night (unless we do). Again he feels its fine. Sorry venting right now. I read where 101 year old's still shovel their neighbors walkway. He is ambulatory but when it comes to doing something he cant move a muscle.
There are days when he seems depressed (I am sure he is). I try to get him to go to club meetings and join more activities. He went to one last night. I take him to ride along on a business meeting trip once in a while to get him out of the house. Any of the senior programs around cost money so he wont go. As far as seniors close by, he did friend a widow that I know that goes to his church. She was getting seniors together for dinner but she moved a few towns away. She was getting people together but I think she was looking for husband number 3 and found dad had no funds so that fizzled out. He was recently brought in as a deacon in the church but he does not seem too happy about it. I will talk to his Dr. about depression as well.
My aunt with Alzheimer's refused to give up her keys, was forced to take the test, failed miserably. It was a fight to get her to surrender the keys.
Yes there may be some underlying issues at work but I do try to keep them at bay. After all in 25 years I may be at that point with my kids.
Dad has always been taken care of so it is hard to change his stripes. We went away over night (the house didn't burn down) and I noticed he was a tad grumpy when we got home because my wife left notes (he took them down) like turn off lights, lock doors etc. (hey it is her house too). I figured out he just doesn't like to be alone. I get it. He went out to all his meals (good). Last night we took him out for my wife birthday dinner, he slurped down a bloody Mary in about 2 minutes. We did talk about how much sodium was in one, he said he never knew that until recently. I have to find that hard to believe (living with my mother). As usual he ordered the expensive duck (always goes for the expensive meal when someone else is paying the tab). I just let it ride..........
Today I take him to get his new sport coat and shirt I bought him (child dressing the parent). TBH I think he is loving the attention.
I am limiting his driving right now just to church and an errand or 2. If he wants to go on a trip my siblings and I are going to have to find a way to get him and his car to where he wants to be. I cant really trust him driving that far.
I will ask the Dr for some alternate testing. as far as is diet, he eats what he wants, it is not that I ban his food but as far as the rice pudding yes I had to, it was a medical rational not a power. He eats cake or pudding go right ahead but he is in no way losing weight and the more it goes the worse he will be. He is getting heavier and wants his other knee done., I watch him walk, he has to hold on tho things to walk so right now he is not a candidate for a knee replacement again. I did tell him the other night when he brought it up he can have the next one done with my sister since she is the nurse. Wasn't too happy about that but after 2 months of being a nurse for him I did my time.
My wife is a saint with all of this. She told me my mother asked her before she passed away if anything happened for her to "take care of dad".... my mother did not has her own daughter, she asked her daughter in-law....
Thanks for all the insight, it does take me time to see things. It is a fine line I have to follow. I look at my neighbors, they have all the money and more that they need and are declining in health and all their kids want is their money. They live on the other coast and just ask for money. Sorry Pop, you don't have money so all I can do is care about your health....
Got out of the truck and he stretched his knee he had replaced a year ago, As I have told him over and over and over again he needs to stretch and exercise every day. Not even one day in a year has he done anything. It is not that he is having mental issues yet, I just think it is coming after a few things. That seems to be the way it starts. We stopped at my friends house to drop things off and he made reference to something totally different.... but then again he has always done that.
Just exasperated....
A reasonable portion of rice pudding for breakfast or with lunch is not going to put him in a coma. 9 ounces a day, especially in one sitting is probably not a good idea, but try not to see this as all-or-nothing. Portion control is critical -- totally eliminating some cherished foods is a bad idea, in my opinion.
You are taking care of yourself in order to be in better shape in old age. Awesome! Keep at it! Dad is already in old age. In a sense it is too late to prepare for his old age! Eating better and being more physically active would be good for his overall health. But it won't change the basic fact that he is cognitively impaired (perhaps has dementia). Eating sausage and potato rolls for lunch is not going to make the mental decline happen faster, and eating a nice chef's salad isn't going to stop it.
Because he has diabetes it is important to help him keep watch on his carb intake. But that doesn't have to mean he never has rice pudding or potatoes. It means you gently help him control portion sizes.
Because he is impaired, it sounds like it may no longer be safe to leave him alone for an hour or more. This does NOT mean that you and your wife need to be with him 24/7. That would be risky for your marriage and your sanity! It does mean that it is time to start making arrangements, either for in-home help or possibly a care center. A compromise might be day-care center participation.
I wish you all the best as you enter this new phase of caregiving.
I did make a chicken pot pie today so he can have something he likes (I love it but cant eat it now). So life here isn't so bad. He wont cook for himself unless he can microwave it but he loves to tell everyone how he cooks gourmet.... funny, hasn't cooked since he got here unless you count the 4 quart rice puddings he was making once a week and eating himself that shot his sugars through the roof (I since banned him from making), I don't need him to go into diabetic shock.
So I am wondering if it is medical or mental or motivational.......... he can move when it strikes him........ Have to keep an eye out now.
Lat night he tripped while moving around his living room while I was working on his computer, he said "lost his balance". That in itself has me concerned. If he got out and walked, did some exercise I am sure it would help but he has no ambition. Yesterday he left his dog out. I work in the basement, I heard his dog barking for a while fully expecting him to let him out. I went up stairs and his dog is outside (small dog and freezing temps). He was in his living room. I asked him if he knew his dog was out side... "oh, I forgot"... it was probably 10 or 15 minutes but he goes and sits down and watches TV when all it takes is 3 minutes for him to watch his dog pee. Now I have to worry. He did his laundry yesterday and we had some towels in the washer, he just throws them aside and leaves them on the floor. So is this forgetfulness or just pain lazy? I put a key rack by the door for all the car keys (so I can move cars when I have to). He did good for a while putting his keys on the rack now its a crap shoot where to find his (yes there are doubles but he took the second set, this is not a new thing for him tho). Goes to bed and leaves lights on.... my electric bill is going crazy. I have timers set on heat at least.
I know I am being anal about this, my wife and I keep a tidy house for the most part (don't look at my garage). We keep it very clean and like somewhat order in the house like our mothers did. Dad is more of where ever it lands...... important papers included.
I have to do this all on my own, if I tell my sibling the nurse she wont believe me so I wont even start. She has no skin in the game so I will leave her out. She wont help anyway just tell me what to do from afar. He and I have the same physician so it will be easy for me to tell him. I do have to update the living wills and POA's, now a priority. My wife has put notes up like "close the door" which seemed to help after he moved in. I am thinking to post it note all over the house this weekend.
It is becoming over whelming. I deal with this with a neighbor (kids are other coast) as I help them around their house with repairs etc... I am already tied to the house for work. He has good insurance but not sure what it will cover. Plus no retirement just SSI. Thinking to get some surveillance cameras that I can use remote to keep an eye on things in the house.
Whatever doctor you take him to, also take a concise list of changes in personality or behavior that concern you, and see that he or she gets it before your husband goes in.
Seems as though things have changed, alarmingly. Memory lapses, confusion, not taking care of the dog, leaving the stove on....these are all indicative of more memory loss and confusion.
Your caregiving role is about to be changed; he needs more supervision NOW. I wouldn't even consider leaving for a weekend unless you can find a respite place for him. It's not safe for him, you and your wife or the dog for him to be alone.
If your Dad was always the absent minded professor, that's one thing, or as you had mentioned in your post your Dad always been forgetful so your Mom had to tidy up.
Sounds like your Dad was so use to your Mom tidying up after him that he never paid attention to shutting doors, putting things back in their place, turning off lights. My sig other is that way, too, his Mom and late wife had spoiled him to a point where he didn't need to learn to do anything for himself. That drive me up a wall, as I like my house in order.
One thing I found is that I had learned so much about dementia/Alzheimer's that now I tend of over-analysis what I see my boss, my sig other, my Dad, and even myself doing. Where in reality, it is just our normal age decline and nothing more.