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I'm on the mend after major surgery for cancer. As I do better, I am working on preparing for the future, getting things in order that need to be faced. I respect that my parents did just that and want to follow their lead, in that I truly want to think about my funeral arrangements, burial arrangements, living will, etc., and try and get things in place ahead of time. I don't know what's coming down the road, though am ok, able to work and care for myself for the time being.


I've approached both my husband (husband and I are estranged, living in the same home) and adult daughter and neither is ready to discuss this. Otherwise, I have an adult son but don't know that he would be open to discussing this; he pretty much keeps boundaries with immediate family and I'm pretty much the only person he communicates with regularly.


I can and will do the prep work myself, make arrangements, and get things in place.


My thoughts are that I just want somebody in my family to know what my plans are and to talk about it with them.


Suggestions will be much appreciated. Thank you.

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I wish I sat down with my dad when he asked me years ago. I said to my dad I did not want to discuss it and he will be fine. Fortunately my father had a book with all his financial planning, navy information, insurance policies, deeds, money, bank statements and so on. He told me about the book before he died. I wished I went over things years ago, and that I do regret. I would ask family one more time, and if they still do not want to discuss it, I would start planning and writing important things in a book. It helped me so much. I think it is great you are planning ahead. The best to you.
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Talk to your son. He may keep his own counsel he may also have bit more compassion than the others.
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People don't usually want to talk about death, funeral arrangements, POA and other things. Medicaid wants to you pay for funeral ahead of time to spend down your money....other wise the nursing home will get it all. Look into putting everyone on bank accounts, check books, property, etc. You'll probably going to have to do it yourself. Get copies of everything and log it in a book. I bought a book called Peace of Mind Planner.... there's another called, I'm Dead... Now What! it's Peter Pauper Press... lots of bookstores and mail order have them.
Lots of information goes in this book for loved ones when we're gone.
We can't escape death, so why not be ready.
Glad you are feeling better after cancer.... Stay strong.
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Write/type out your wishes etc. and attach any documents, wills etc and send to your family member by e-mail. I sent copies of my will to my siblings just in case something happened etc., even though all left up to spouse and son. This way they have your wishes to read instead of speak of in person which may be hard for them.
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Respect, thank you so very much for bringing this up. MANY of us are in your position! Of 3 sisters, I'm single and don't have the financial security or children that my other 2 do. So, I'm saving up from my quite frugal budget to pay for professional services to help me in my situation. I'm looking forward to other forum members' input on this. Namaste.
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Respect2honor Mar 2020
Kudos to you.

I'm moving slow on looking into this, using being too busy with work and such as an excuse. I tend to move slow but I will get there eventually.
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I'm sorry you've gone through cancer and its treatments, but I'm relieved for you that you are coming out the other side!

You gotten a lot of great advice here so I won't repeat it. It sounds like the main issue is you can't get your family members to listen to you and interact with you on this topic. No matter the stage of life getting your end-of-life items together is always a rational thing to do.

I recommend bringing up this topic every few weeks to desensitize them to this topic. Plus, you can also recommend that they should work on their own end-of-life papers. This will help them to separate your working on these documents from being about your cancer. We never know when our time is up.

*hug*
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Davenport Mar 2020
I LOVE your point of bring up 'the topic' occasionally to desensitize my sisters [even though we are decidedly not close]. Well, also to make clear to them that I don't have any expectations from them anywhere along the line--up to dissemination of ashes. This is a small price for me to pay overall, as I've lived for 65 years independently just by virtue of us sibs being so different and distant, and I'm single for the first time since I've been 20. It's expensive, but my life has been WELL worth not 'having a family'.

P.s., fellow members, unless you don't know me, I recently removed myself from being primary caretaker for my 87 y/o mom. I had no support from either sib, so I had to save myself. Yes, it was dramatic of me, but I gave them 30 days notice to figure it out between them. It was all very businesslike, no expression of emotion or opinion, just the way our family always functioned.
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This is a common issues - no one wants to talk about such matters and people generally don't know how to start a discussion or what to say. I worked in hospice and after retiring wrote about this with suggestions how to go about it and some suggested language. All things that have been tested and used over the years. Have a look at the book overview on Amazon. It will give you the answers you look for plus more information on other things you need to do and how to do them. Its only $3 for the Kindle version which is great value for this information.
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Davenport Mar 2020
Thank you, Alan. I did just now buy your book. 2 years ago I also have made a major relocation, geographically. Moved to a VERY distant location in the U.S., but I took my 2 cats (we're a family), drove for 4 days, and settled in together. We're happy!

If only for that niggling detail of living beyond my financial ability, and being alone ... : ) But your info/book is part of my new job of research :) I feel sorry for myself, but also I'm quite excited to take on this challenge! : )
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Hello, R2H : ) Thanks for bringing this up!!! And thank you SO much for posting as a caretaker who's also in the position of taking care of ourselves. Thanks and gratitude in advance for all other input!
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Respect2honor Mar 2020
Very nice. Thank you, as well.
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Please write your wishes down and have your document notarized. A copy should be filed with your physician.
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Best get it in writing and legally-- it matters to you if you have a funeral or a memorial service and if you end up in nursing home where the nursing home makes lots of $ from Medicare and that neither will be accountable to anyone in the family as long as the nursing home/assisted living facility is milking the government for all it is worth while you are now a 1/4 of the person you were when you and yours entered into a "deal" with those devils. Put it in writing and get witnesses including your family doctor to agree to make sure you are not just a pawn in a unholy joke at the end of your life but that you have 100% of say in how well you live to the end of your life and also how you wish to be remembered-- with a church funeral service or just a family gathering. Even if you do not wish your less than faithful husband to attend which ever rememberance. Be true to yourself. Good luck.
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Davenport Mar 2020
Thanks, Duggan. Best wishes to you and namaste.
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Close friend, lawyer, banker, Financial person. You should have a person you name as Power of Attorney for yourself and Healthcare Power of Attorney, which you can do online. You can write a signed, dated, sealed “In the Event of my Death” that states your wishes, leave it with close friends with contact info of your family.
Dr. Gross
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Davenport Mar 2020
I'm on that mission now to save up [v-e-r-y] slowly for a lawyer, banker, financial person to take care of everything. My 2 sibs have never been close or friendly, and I'm recently single after 40 years (2 men). In 5 yrs., my whole live has been jettisoned financially; mom is going strong at 88; I was forced to retire at 59.5 (age discrimination does exist) and couldn't find work, so ...

Thank you. Namaste.
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First of all have you put your wishes in the form of an advanced directive, or aPOLST? Physicians orders regarding life sustaining treatment. In either of these documents, you can name a surrogate who can speak for you when you are no longer able or name no one at which point it is your written decision alone for the basis of treatment. I would suggest that a copy of this document be given to your physician, your hospital where you receive treatment, and the l8cal ambulance company. You could also go online and request a vial of life. This comes with a sticker to place on your door or front window alerting emergency personnel that you have wishes in place. The vial itself is accompanied by paperwork that you complete, place in the vial, and store in the refrigerator. If your family will not discuss these issues with you, how about a close and trusted friend? If they are willing, they could also be your surrogate. Please keep in mind that advanced directives or a POLST can be modified at any time if eventually your family becomes more open to a discussion. However, please remember to discuss it with your physician and provide everyone with updated documents.
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Write your wishes down and have the form notarized with witnesses. Obviously, this is a sensitive thing for your family and your estranged husband most likely feels very uncomfortable and maybe even a tad guilty due to circumstances. So just decide what you want, write it down on a legal pad, make copies for all of family members, and do the living will. Give a copy to a close trusted friend too. I wish you well and hope your surgery was a success and that you will find that you are a cancer survivor. I hope that you have close friends outside of the family for moral support.
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You are so brave, and wise to have things prearranged while you’re competent and able. I’d suggest talking to a lawyer and creating a living will and spelling out what sort of procedures you’re ok with in the event of a major health complication. Determining whether you want to be cremated or buried is necessary to know. How you want your estate handled and by whom should also be set up. Check into assigning powers of attorney for health and financial matters when you can no longer handle those responsibilities. It may be uncomfortable to talk about now, but impossible to discuss once you’re gone! Good thinking- way to be responsible😊
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Going through the same thing. Putting written instructions in the hands of those who I've asked to take charge after my death. (I asked their permission first.) Minimizing the conversation until I have the details set up because I know I can't get their attention span for longer than a few minutes. My folks did the same - left me with a booklet they filled out and pre-paid for everything. Made it a lot easier on me.
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An excellent resource for starting the conversation with loved ones is www.theconversationproject.org. It's also important that you consult with an elder law attorney who should be willing to do a deep dive conversation with you on end-of-life issues. It is critical that you have someone who is willing and able to be your health care agent. I am an elder law attorney and when I have these conversations with my clients, I talk in great detail about the characteristics that make a good health care agent. It often is not the spouse or adult child. Sometimes clients don't have anyone that fit the role. In those instances I recommend they establish a relationship with a professional care manager as I know they are capable of carrying out a client's wishes.
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See a pastor. Many larger churches have a pastor that deals with memorials/funerals. They can be a caring ear to listen and a sympathetic, informed person to help you discuss end of life issues,
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It is a hard conversation that some people just don't want to face. Write it down as you think of something. Or use a recorder to say things as you think of them. There are documents on the computer you can download (such as pdffiller.com/jsfiller-desk17/?projectId=410730592#bf73f237a513436f538b17526233240f ) to record this or jog your mind as to something you may have forgotten. One thing might be passwords and user ID for any of your online accounts. As long as you keep all pertinent documents in one place (perhaps a plastic tub to avoid water or dust damage) your family should have pretty much what they need to carry out your wishes. Go ahead and talk to your son and be honest w/him that you have a need to discuss with someone in the family and no one else wants to have the talk. Maybe he'll step up to the plate. -- I hope he is willing to help you.
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Dear Respect2Honor,
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ 4 years ago. My DW and I were in the process of setting up our estate, when was diagnosed. We had been referred to an excellent Law Firm that specialized in Estate Planning. We put all of our property in only the name of my DW, we did Pour Over Wills, Advance Medical Directives, Durable Powers of Attorney for both Financial as well as Medical Proxy.
Our attorney recommended that we sit down with our adult children and have a little coming to Jesus discussion. This involved having each of them read through all of our legal papers and a Q & A session so that they could ask questions, and that we could verbally tell them we both supported the others Estate Plan. After the end of the discussion we told them, we left no areas for second guessing our wishes in terms of end of life treatment, burial wishes as they apply to our Catholic Faith.
I didn't stop with the above issues, I went on to tell them that they should not cause trouble for my DW when she decides maybe she wants to begin to date or remarry. Life is for the living, and we all need to move forward because in the end, we all do die. I would also not hesitate to tell your family members that dealing with these uncomfortable subjects is a big part of adult life. Confront it and take control of it and prepare for what will soon come in the future.
Me, I'm entering the next stage of life, where I have become a dependent again and turning in my keys to the car. Yes, life will be different for everyone else, but I have to do what is right for everyone, especially those, that I don't even know. The good thing is nobody told me it was time to turn the keys in, to their surprise I brought it up last week without anyone telling me to give the keys up. My neurologist says, she's never had a patient that ever gave up their keys of their own volition.
Maybe someone else will read these words and do what is best for them. I hope this has been of some help to you
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Marylepete Mar 2020
Your writing is beautiful. What wonderful steps you have taken for your family. I am sure it has given you great comfort. This disease has really taught me to live in the moment and enjoy the best of those times. Caring thoughts are being sent your way.
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Get yourself a basic cassette recorder, tape record your wishes. Let family know your final wishes are on the cassette. You could even have someone transfer your words onto paper as well for a back up.
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My medical doctor has been helpful in addition to my minister. Wishing you well.
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I went to a lawyer, had my will and living will prepared. Also prepaid my funeral arrangement. Those where the most important to me. I left a letter about everything else along with the wills and the name of lawyer and crematory. I am glad to hear your are recovery after surgery. Best you can do is live life to its fullest and value every day. Best wishes
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Invisible Mar 2020
You may want to put the letter in the hands of the person who needs it. If I left a letter at my house it would be years before anyone found it.
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Tell them you need to discuss this and plan things out. If they refuse, do it without them. Do you need their signed permission to do the planning without them? My mother, who passed away last week, refused to discuss these things. She told me more than once, "When Im dead, Im dead. Do with me what you want." That was the extent of that discussion.
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Now that you have recovered from major surger for cancer you will be getting stronger every day. It is very possible that you may out live all of your Family so there is no real rush to hurry your will and final funeral arrangements. It is understandable that Family do not wish to discuss this topic with you as they can not bare the thought of Life with out you. Live life to the full and enjoy every moment, and remember that you are Blessed.
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Marylepete Mar 2020
Many find having things in order, or planning ahead gives them comfort. We have not only all legal papers done but our prepaid funerals and burial arrangements done and it was not a sad time but it gave us comfort knowing it would not be a burden on our family, financial and otherwise. We felt it was not a good idea to sweep it under the rug or put off. Comfort to us was why wait, get it done, then one can get on with life and enjoy it in comfort. Everyone's thought process and stage in life is different. Each needs to do what they feel is right for them, when they feel the time is right. Enjoy every minute of everyday.
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Try writing a letter to your family. Keep it short and heat felt. Wait and pray. You are ready for this discussion. Now give your loved ones times to prepare for that discussion. Good luck to you and your family.
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We found that using “The Five Wishes” was a wonderful way of communicating my father’s final thoughts and wishes. Through the remarkable guidance of the suggested topics posed by the Five Wishes document, it was a constructive, positive and reassuring way of discussing dad’s final wishes as well as touching difficult and sensitive areas we found awkward to talk about generically as a family. We had our pastor there to help guide us through the suggested items but you could easily handle the topics alone. It meant so much for us to be able to have clarity in a gentle and compassionate way before it was too late. It’s worth exploring.
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Talk with your son and if he isnt open. Call an Attorney and add your wishes with your will.

You make all the decisions and have your Funeral Home picked out and Funeral Pre Paid then I would not only hand write everything but I would also Video it.

I would mail a copy to your husband and daughter as most people will read a letter even tho they may not talk about the subject.
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I would write out what u want, get it notarized and put at hospital and funeral home. Sorry u are having to do this alone but putting it in writing is ur best option. I would send one to your pastor to hold in the event of your death.
Praying u have many healthy happy years remaining.
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See an elder lawyer and have your wishes written up. Then tell your family where they will find them and that you expect them to follow them not put their choices on you. Good luck.
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Respect2honor Mar 2020
TaylorUK: Thank you for the helpful information.
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I think that if you are ‘on the mend’, people who care about you will want you to be positive about surviving the cancer. They will be thinking that going through all this is not the frame of mind that will help you. It might help if you think things through yourself, but leave it a while for the talk. It would be easier if you could say ‘I’m feeling so much better now, but the cancer was a bit of a shock to me. Now that I feel sure I am OK, I’d just like to get things in order, so I don’t have to go through that again. It was horrible thinking that there was so much to be done, at a time when I wasn’t feeling good at all’. Best wishes in getting things sorted out.
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Respect2honor Mar 2020
MargaretMcKen: Thank you.

That makes sense, " They will be thinking that going through all this is not the frame of mind that will help you."

I'm focused this way, since I am now a senior citizen and feel it's good to be realistic and prepared. Otherwise, in that I've seen other family members, who've died from cancer -- I observed all energy being focused primarily on just getting by each day when dealing with cancer; my thoughts are to be prepared, in case that should happen.

Even if the cancer does not recur and if nothing else serious happens for the time being with my health, I still feel the need to get things in order. I definitely am going on with life, however short or long that will be. I'm back to work, appreciating my job more these days, spending more "quality time" with people I care for and who care for me, and making plans to do some fun things this year. I'm not ready to give up just yet.
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