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Five months ago my ex spouse was diagnosed with lung cancer. He sold his home and had no place to go, so I took him in. Over the last 14 years we have maintained a friendship and his family and my son sort of expected me to do this. It has now come to the point where my own health has been affected. I have extreme anxiety. I wake up shaking every morning. I’ve moved my work into my home because of this full-time job. He had a mild stroke two weeks ago in the hospital. Once again, released him to me. This is more than I can handle. I reached out to his family tell them I need help. I’m going to be checking out an assisted living place, but it’s so much money. He has no funds, so I was going to pay for it because I just need to save myself now.


I just want to know if anybody has any ideas on how to let go of the guilt anxiety and fear?


Thank you for listening

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Apply for Long-Term Medicaid. Call your local Social Services or go by and get the application. It's a lengthy application and requires proof of income, bank statements, expenses, etc. He can't have any more in his bank account than 2,000 dollars. His money will need to be spent down or he could give it to you for staying there. I would say that he is temporarily staying with you, but does not have a residence on the application. Then start calling around to nursing homes and let them know that the Long-Term Medicaid application is pending. You will get knowledge for what is available. If he is too ill and can not physically take care of himself with incontinence, the local hospital has a Hospice unit that can come in and keep him comfortable with medication until goes to be with God. Hospice is usually considered end-of-life and the service is usually 1-6 months. Hospice will have to do an evaluation/assessment of him. They are true Angels. I had a neighbor that took in her ex who had stomach cancer. She went to work everyday and left food for him until he passed. God bless you for doing this.
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Even if/when divorced the bonding words 'til death do us part' sink in deeply; and you want to honor your son's need for his dad to be OK. That said, those vows don't mean you sacrifice your life for the spouse; instead, do what you can within your limits, which you are fast becoming very clear about, to make sure this other human being in your life gets what is needed for him now. That does not mean you use your money, upend your entire life, now that it's become clear your former husband needs more care than just a place to hang his hat, you switch gears and look into all resources/options for his care. If he's hospitalized you can tell the hospital he cannot come back to your house; they then will take the steps to place him. You 'took him in' out of compassion; the compassionate thing now is to recognize a change of plan is in order. No need for guilt, it's just reality setting in; you stepped up and now you must find the best alternative. His family, your in-laws, must do their part as well.
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I agree that you should not use your own money. An alternative is to take him to the hospital and then have them find a place for him some there is no way you can take care of him. He is your ex and you have no obligation to take care of him. His remaining family is responsible for tracking his care. You are responsible for you.
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Donnab426: Absolutely do not use your own financials for your ex's care.
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I hope his family responds well to your reaching out. This is not your responsibility. Was he manipulative during your marriage and cause in you this knee jerk reaction of jumping in to help? Is he a narcissist? Is your son still young, such as in college? Your ex should go on Medicaid or have someone (not you) help him apply for disability if he is still in his working years.
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Maryjann Mar 2022
I just read about Joe. You should be able to get him on assistance. And he DOES have other people besides you. What if you were to move to Antarctica tomorrow? Whoever would take care of him in that event should care for him now.
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This should be between him and his family, primarily his son. Is there any reason his son may be trying to unload his responsibly into you? It feels very manipulative.
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Definition of Guilt - The fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.

Please clarify. What are you feeling guilty about?
It sounds like you may truly be a horrible person that committed a crime you didn't confess to here. It would help to know what it is.
Guilt, please, did you punch him. Did you rob him?

Also what do you mean by "sort of" expect you to do this?
You have the best teacher's there although none of you are aware of this.
Why don't you learn from them and "sort of" expect them to help out at least a sick woman by taking this "X" (Come on, it's you who can't let go) off of your hands.

Sweetheart no one expects you to do it. They look to you, with puppy dog eyes maybe, because THEY don't want to help. Man, not even to research resources. What a great bunch you have there.

Are you feeling guilt because you failed as a martyr?
And now you want to compound your initial mistake of taking him in with another great idea, martyr yourself some more by spending your money on him.

You are not feeling guilt. You are feeling sorry and badly about his situation. You must learn to differentiate between guilt and feeling sorry and let Medicaid take over. Do not accept responsibility and take him in again.

How to let go of fear you ask? Fear. You over exaggerate again. Guilt. Fear.
Is some bad person going to take your away your allowance or send you to bed without supper? Are you going to get a spanking in the town square. Sell tickets please. Is someone going to talk badly about you. Did you see anyone volunteer to help? Boy, do they have your number.

You're turning yourself into a wreck and a probable burden for someone else with your self-induced anxiety.

During turbulance put your mask on first. Then help. And then check around and see who's checking to see if you're okay. It's a lesson that must be learned only once and well.
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Do NOT pay for his care.
If needed he can apply for Medicaid or his family can step up and assume the job as caregiver.
Next time he goes to the hospital you say LOUD and CLEARLY that you can not safely care for this man any longer. You make it clear that you are NOT responsible for him or his debts. (I hope you have not signed any papers saying you would be responsible.)
You have done more than what most people would do.
If his family will not step up and he can not care for himself contact APS and inform them of the situation and make it clear that you can not continue to care for him.
If he is a Veteran contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what benefits he is entitled to. (It is possible that you could get paid to care for him and with that money you could hire other caregivers, it depends on how much the VA would provide)
If he is no longer getting treatment for the cancer and is not in remission there is a possibility he may qualify for Hospice. If that is the care the Hospice Social Worker might have ideas to get him placed in a facility. But in the mean time you would have the help of a CNA and a Nurse that would come on a regular basis. And you could request Volunteers to come and stay with him while you get a break.
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Why would YOU pay for it? If he has no funds, he’s eligible for Medicaid. Is he a veteran? If he served during war time ( viet nam or dessert storm) he’s eligible for VA benefits. Take care of YOU right now and as bad and guilty as you feel, remember there’s a “ reason” why he’s your EX. Now his family needs to step up to the plate for him. You’ve gone above and beyond.💜
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Donna,

No. I don’t know how to “let go” of the anxiety and guilt and fear until you take action. Once you take action you will feel better.

You might try an urgent care for yourself and ask for an anti anxiety Med if you haven’t already gotten one. If you have a good primary, perhaps all you need is a phone call to them. When things are especially bad, I find it really helps. Don’t ignore your health and btw, who do you have to take care of you?

Focus on the solution and not the fact that you feel so alone in this. Make a list of all the suggestions and do make a call hourly, just make it one that is “goal achieving and not just tension relieving”.

You have notified the others and they haven’t taken it over.
Just make a list of names and numbers and relationships for anyone needing that as you go forward. They most likely are no better equipped than you to manage his care at this stage. You have gone beyond what anyone else has been willing to do. If he has a POA, that person needs to be involved.

Was he in the hospital for three nights? If so, he qualifies for rehab. If it has only been two weeks since discharge, I think he is still eligible. Contact the hospital and ask that he be transferred to rehab. There are patient advocates, the discharging doctor, the ER, etc. keep dialing until you find someone who knows the drill. I might even take him back to the ER depending on how bad the situation is.

When I get the run around, I ask for the hospital administrator. That will usually get you the executive secretary. I tell her my issues and she connects me with the right department. When that department sees whose extension is ringing, they answer. I have only done that on weekdays but someone might answer even today.

If that doesn’t work out…It could be that your ex is eligible for hospice which could make it easier for him to get SNF care on Medicaid and could get you a small amount of help immediately.

You could call a hospice to see if you can get an evaluation from them now, as in today. The hospice will have a social worker and other staff that can get you headed in the right direction.

Your ex needs a permanent residence and the ALF might only be temporary and as others have said, you should not spend your money on his care. There are resources available. It is a matter of finding the right ones.

Have a sense of urgency when you ask for help for him and be very clear he must be moved. You don’t want to confuse anyone else that you are the solution.

Before I spent money on an ALF, I would see a certified elder attorney. Take your son with you if possible.

Good luck, let us know how it goes. You are going to feel so much better when you get him the help he needs. There are many ways to help someone. You don’t have to do hands on to manage his care or put him where others can.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
Let’s be clear about a few things. Medicaid is not immediate… it takes a long time and extensive paperwork and an elder care attorney is extremely expensive. I know because I’m in the process of both with my husband. Medicaid is backed way up due to the pandemic. The “ way to go “ is a hospital admission thru the ER if possible and say, “ I can’t take him home or care for him” then LEAVE. The case manager will take over and have him placed from the hospital. Wipe your hands of it or it will become YOUR PROBLEM. Do not sign anything !
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If he has "no funds" then he should qualify for Medicaid to cover assisted living. Ask the facility person to help him apply for Medicaid and then move forward.

Is is receiving SSI (disability)? https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/disability/
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Put him in a rehab where he Belongs . He should never Have been released to you after a couple small strokes . I would contact a social worker and case management at the hospital and say " He needs a rehab facility and Physical therapy and you can't take care of him as he is not your relative . " There is a reason he is a X - make a List of why you broke up . My X has tried to get back with me Multiple times in the last 5 years . No way am I giving up My life for a Mooch . If your health is failing you and your having anxieties it is time to Bring him to a rehab/ skilled Nursing facility . I am sure he has medicare. this guy is not your problem . Let it go . Don't be a sucker . it seems nice people get taken advantage of by selfish people . Unless you truly Love him but I am not getting that vibe .
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Contact a local social worker who can advise you and him on his (and your) options. I believe you are not obligated to pay for his living expenses or put him up in your home, as you are no longer married to him. You don't say how old he is. He should be on Medicare if he has no money and is disabled. Can he be released to a rehab instead of to your home? There are senior residences that accept Medicare (there may be long waiting lists). Please don't spend all your money on him. Save some for yourself and your own medical and retirement needs. His family and son should contribute if they want him to be in a specific senior residence. Seek therapy for yourself, as you do not seem able to set boundaries that you need for your own survival.
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KNance72 Mar 2022
Right On Nancy
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You are an ex but continue to act in the role as a wife. Why get divorced if you are expected to continue to play the wife role after the divorce.

He has a family, but it seems like you were the only one designated this role. You are no longer legally his wife. Therefore, you are not responsible for paying his bills or making these types of decisions. It sounds like you have reached your breaking point. You can seek out Medicaid for his long-term care. You will know when it is time to draw the line with caretaking duties. We all reach this point sooner or later.

It is admirable that you continued to play a vital role in your ex's life for his and your son's sake. However, you became an ex-wife for a valid reason. Don't let false guilt keep you from making the decision to save yourself. Another alternative is to get him hospice care in your home until you can get him settled in a long-term care facility. Explain the situation to hospice that you two are divorced and this was a temporary living arrangement. They can provide respite service for you in your home by sending a Home Health Aide so you can get a break from the caregiving if you are not ready to make the decision to let him go to a nursing home. As his health continues to get worse, you can have him admitted to hospital palliative care with the help of the Hospice Social Worker. Get him on Medicaid first, so you won't be paying out of pocket for his expenses.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
She should not be the one to do all that is required to get him on Medicaid. It’s a long tedious process and his son or POA should be doing the work… not his ex. What a shame for her to have to worry about him when they are no longer married . My heart goes out to her. She’s being “ used”
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You certainly are in a pickle!
DO NOT pay for any facility out of your money!
The next time he has to go to the hospital, tell his social worker that you can no longer care for him. Then it's the hospitals responsibility to find him a placement. In the meantime, his family will not ever take on the responsibility yet expects you to? Why?? You'r e divorced! You have no obligation to this man.
Guilt and fear is only a state of mind and you and no one else has allowed yourself to feel guilty. Stop it! You've gone above and beyond. Don't let his situation draw you into a situation that you don't need or can't afford to be in. You've got to take care of yourself first until you can get him out of your house.
I'm assuming you and your ex are elders?
I'm not sure if an elder care attorney could advise you on the best way to get him out. ? It could be the best money ever spent so you can succeed in the right path for
both you and your ex.
Good luck and stop feeling guilty. You've done nothing wrong!
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So there's LOTS of help for you and ideas. Been down the lung cancer road with my dad, so have lots of ideas.

It's great that you are helping him, but you should NEVER take on his financial responsibilities. And if the hospital is releasing a stroke patient without first releasing him to a rehab hospital, next time demand they do. And refuse to take him until they release him to one.

Assisted living is not where he should go. Depending upon his diagnosis, lung cancer takes 'em quickly. What he needs is either skilled nursing or a speciality hospital (that's what they are called) that handles end of life cancer patients. A doctor has to authorize assisted living and it's not a place for people with medical needs like his.

As far as paying for his care, there are LOTS of options. And you can get home health care help as well. Here are sites that list a lot of different options. DEFINITELY check them out. There is all sorts of free programs for lung cancer patients. Even your state may have assistance. A friend of mine had another type of cancer, didn't have insurance and was able to be enrolled in low income insurance with the state that paid for all his treatments. So there's LOTS out there. Try these sites:

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/finding-and-paying-for-treatment/managing-costs/programs-and-resources-to-help-with-cancer-related-expenses.html

https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/financial-considerations/financial-resources

Cancer Assistance
https://www.cancerfac.org/

Social Security Disability for lung cancer patients:
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/finding-and-paying-for-treatment/managing-costs/social-security-disability-income-for-people-with-cancer.html

Search for resources:
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services/resource-search.html

If you need more, just post. But there ARE options out there and looking them up will make you feel better. What you should do right away is hire home health care. If that came out of your pocket, only for a little while, it would give you some time off. Then go get a massage, go out with a girl friend, etc. He'll be OK and if he's not, he's back in the hospital.

It will feel like he's rolling down a hill and you're chasing after him, but you can never catch him. And it will go on like that until he passes. Anything you do for him is a blessing and you know he appreciates. It will be extremely overwhelming, but it won't last forever. Keep telling yourself that and scheduling home health care or skilled nursing until you find him a good specialty hospital to place him.

Also if he is 'placed in hospice' meaning his doctor has confirmed he is terminal, hospice will pay for everything. Did with my Aunt when she was diagnosed with it too. So realize you have power, you have options, and you don't have to go it alone, even if his family doesn't help you. There are great caregivers and nurses out there, and organizations that can help you!
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Katefalc Mar 2022
And WHO is gonna pay for home healthcare and skilled home care? Home health aids are $32 an hour! Nurses are MORE. I know because I’ve hired them for my husband. NO ONE works for free.
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We talk about guilt, but this is a journey about self-respect. As women all we learn is to put our needs second to others. But your life is no less valuable than his. Your needs are no less important. It’s tough when it comes down to a zero-sum game like this, but it’s you or him. Choose yourself.
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We talk about guilt, but this is a journey about self-respect. As women all we learn is to put our needs second to others. But your life is no less valuable than his. Your needs are no less important. It’s tough when it comes down to a zero-sum game like this, but it’s you or him. Choose yourself.
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I want to add that if he lands in the hospital again and is there long enough for rehab, send him to rehab. Once there ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If found he needs care refuse to take him back to your home. Explain that his "stay" was not a permanent thing. That now with this new problem you cannot care for him. He will need to be transferred to Skilled nursing. Where I live Rehab and the NH are in the same building so transition is easy. Give them ur sons number and walk away. Any calls you get from them, block. If they continue to call, you can return the call explaining that ur an Ex and as such have no obligation to him. That he has family and a son. So please, no more phone calls. YOU ARE DIVORCED! After that, its harassment.

Not sure if you can drop him off at the Hospital and leave him. My daughter says where she has worked that Hospitals are not under the same rules as Rehab/NHs which is they cannot do an "unsafe discharge". Meaning if a person is deemed 24/7 they cannot discharge them home without 24/7 care. You Ex cannot afford this care and you cannot provide it.

Again, DO NOT pay for his care. Tell your dear son that circumstances have changed with this stroke and you will not care for his Dad so he needs to find an alternative. Tell him your health is now being effected. That Dad is not your responsibility because..YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Guilt is self-imposed. Why should you feel guilt for a man you divorced for a reason that has a son and family. Its not like he has no one. The anxiety I can see. You are doing something you don't want to do. Fear, is that because you think u will end up doing the caring?

Your son should feel guilty for putting this responsibility on you.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
AMEN !!!
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Donna, where is the money from the sale of his house?

You divorced this man for a reason, don't let anyone, including your son guilt you into taking care of or supporting a grown man.

He has other options but, nobody will ever think about them as long as you are being the solution.

It is okay to say this isn't working and you need to find a different living and caregiving arraignment for yourself to your ex.

If any family member tries to lay a guilt trip, ask them what time you can drop him off at their house for them to take over since they are so concerned for his well-being.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have the right to stop being a doormat for this situation.
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DO NOT USE YOUR OWN FUNDS!!!
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What happened to the funds from the sale of his house? Will AL be able to provide enough care for him? Can he manage all of his self care, dressing and toileting and showering? Just needs a little help with meds? Since he had the minor stroke 2 weeks ago, was short term rehab considered instead of discharging him back home? It might be the fastest way into a facility, a skilled rehab facility. One option, contact discharge planner case manager, social worker at from last hospital stay. Or bring him back, say: I am not able to care for him at home. Needs rehab. When rehab over, they can work on discharge plan to next level or apply for Medicaid.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
Once he’s discharged from the hospital, it’s too late to call back and ask for help. He needs to be readmitted and discharged from the hospital with the help of a case manager/ social worker.
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An Ex is an Ex for a reason. What happened to the proceeds of selling his home? Why would your son and Exs family feel you are responsible for his care? YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Does anyone have POA. If not maybe your son can be assigned.
Take DH to his Doctor and ask if he is considered 24/7 care. If so, DH maybe able to be placed in a NH with Medicaid offsetting the cost. Exs Social Security and if any pension will go toward his care. Once in the home all his needs will be taken care of. You can then walk away and block the facility

DO NOT spend your own money. Make it clear to your son that you cannot care for his Dad and neither should you have to. He is no longer your husband. Any responsibility you had towards him stopped when those divorce papers were signed. Your son needs to find options. You have no legal rights and I shouldn't take them on.

I remarried so taking on the care of my Ex would never have happened anyway. I doubt if I wasn't married if I would have taken on his care. He was a taker not a giver when we were married. Doubt if he changed. The man died in his home sitting in his chair with beer cans around him. Died of CHF at 69.
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I think you are trying to do a noble thing here, but at your OWN expense, literally & figuratively. Once you divorced this man, that was supposed to be the END of the relationship. After I divorced my ex in 2002, he developed stage 4 colon cancer. It never even occurred to me to take him into MY home to care for him, to be perfectly honest with you, even though we DO maintain a friendship, he & I. My son wound up taking his father in for about 6 months while he underwent chemotherapy. I don't give a flying fig WHAT 'the family' may or may not 'expect' of me, either, b/c again, once those divorce papers were signed, he and I were finished being responsible for one another: 22 years was MORE than ENOUGH on that front!

Why not tell your SON to take his father in if he feels it's still 'your' responsibility to do so; what about HIS responsibility in this case? It's HIS father, not your husband anymore! Furthermore, I find it rich that your ex's family 'sort of expects' you to jump in and care for this man you DIVORCED. I think YOU should fully expect THEM to jump in and care for this man who IS their family member currently & forever, since divorce is NOT an option in their case! Put it back on them, is what you should be doing, rather than burning out and waking up every morning shaking~!

And, last but definitely not least, you SHOULD NOT BE PAYING FOR ASSISTED LIVING FOR THIS MAN. Under NO circumstances! That will leave YOU high and dry for your OWN old age and/or infirmity! What will you do if YOU wind up in HIS situation?? Who will pay for YOUR Assisted Living, should you need it? Have your son or your ex's family members apply for Medicaid on his behalf to have him placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility; THAT is the right answer here. Not for you to go broke in a noble effort that is above and beyond what is or should be 'expected' of an ex wife.

Then sit your son down for a nice heart-to-heart talk about what divorce actually means, and what his role is to you as his mother. He can step up and do whatever he likes for his father, w/o putting YOU on the spot to keep caring for a man you divorced long ago. He needs a wake up call FAST. Neither one of my kids EVER asked me to do one single thing for their father when he was diagnosed with cancer. And, by the same token, they haven't asked HIM (who's cured now) to do one single thing for ME now that my husband is in need of a liver transplant & has had cancer and all manner of other health issues since 2019. We have separate lives now, which is as it should be.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with YOUR life and getting your ex out of your home and into one of his own.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
ABSOLUTELY the BEST answer and honestly stated.
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Whatever you do… do not pay for his care!
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Words matter so try changing what you feel to the right word.
It isn't guilt you feel; you are not an evil doer, a felon, a person taking joy in the pain of others. Guilt belongs to the felons who never feel it at all.
You are experiencing another G-word called grief. Grief that you cannot make things all right, that you haven't the power to fix this, make it better. That you are human with limitations and that your ex is suffering in ways you cannot prevent.
I am so sorry. Anxiety and fear is a part of this. You cannot run from it as it will keep coming for you. Allow yourself to feel it.
So sorry for all you are both going through. We on Forum see the word "guilt" so often. As though you designed all this, as tho you take joy in its pain; simply isn't the case. You are suffering for another. You aren't a Saint and not everything can be fixed. Were you a Saint we would likely fill you with arrows, then pray to you forever to make everything better for US.
You have told him,, his family, how sad you are for them; all of you are hurting. I surely wish you the best and I believe you are making the right, the only decision for yourself.
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Donnab426 Mar 2022
Very well said. It is grief too. Thankyou for this
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Legally, you have no obligation to care for your ex-husband. Be realistic and disregard your guilt feelings.
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Donnab426 Mar 2022
Thankyou for that. Trying to let the guilt go. Family pressure
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Talk to social services for your county and tell them about your situation. First, he may qualify for some in-home services to help you out in the short-term. But you need to stress to them that he needs a guardian (not you) so that you can be relieved of this burden and recover your own health.

Or maybe he needs hospice care at this point? Has he been assessed?

If in the meantime he goes back to the ER or hospital be sure to let the staff know he is an "unsafe discharge" and then DO NOT GO GET HIM. The problem with this strategy is that your home may be his legal residence if any of his mail has been delivered there with his name on it, so his family could conceivably bring him back to you if he contacts them for a ride home.

Honestly, if I came to a dead end with this situation I'd pack his bags and drop him off at his relative's home and then change your locks and block all their contact. Tell them YOU are now sick and are no longer willing or able to care for him. Why would they "assume" you into this position? No one is making you do it against your will -- you are volunteering for it. Do not feel guilty since you've done nothing wrong and ending the *temporary* caregiving is his problem, not yours. You aren't responsible for his happiness. He had his whole life to plan responsibly and apparently didn't. That's on him. He's the one who should feel guilty burdening you without a thought.
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Donnab426 Mar 2022
You are so right. He never was good with planning his finances. I was thinking since his family is far away in another state and do not want to come here to share in the burden I’m going to make sure that multiple times a day I just keep calling them on the phone they’ll get the hint I already told them that I’m going to be placing him in assisted-living and they need to step up to the plate
your words were spot on
thanks
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