Why does the family scapegoat almost always end up as the family caregiver?

No one has to take on the caregiving role - but i think the whipping post child has the hardest time saying "no" because they have not been listened to in the past and are used to doing what the parents want. They also are likely to seek approval and do what the parents expect.

I hope, if this is you, that you will say a resounding "NO" to what you do not want to do, and a yes to what you are willing to do OF YOUR CHOICE AND WITH LOVE.

We take on or we accept or we create roles for ourselves.
There are especially in families dealing with alcohol, whole books written about how one child assumes the "rebel" role, and one the "good child" and another the smart and another the bumbling, and so on. As many roles as there are kids. The peacemaker. The disruptor. The caregiver. The negligent, the responsible, the irresponsible.
We teach people directly how to treat us by how we ALLOW them to treat us. If we post a sign "kick me" on our forheads someone will kick us. NOW comes the question about what we do. Do we say "Sorry, I will try harder; if I fail please kick me again" or do we say "Do that again and you will never see me again".
It is quite honestly, in any relationship, necessary to tell someone what we expect and what we will accept. To stand and say "I don't deserve that; I am a good person. If you ever do that again you will never see me again". This holds true in any relationship. Say one of abused spouse, male or female. And we have to be ready to walk away.
I think the honest truth with children is that our parents form us as though we are malleable as clay. And it is hard to grow out of the form they shaped. They tell us either "You are strong and capable and able and good and can be anything you want"
OR
they tell us: "You are weak and ugly and bad and dumb and you better be better or I won't love you."
I have told the story about a girlfriend who did everything for her female partner. EVERYTHING. And then became ill and needed help. Her spoiled girlfriend left at once. When my friend ended in the shrink office the shrink said : "YOU are entirely at fault. You told her who you were, that you would do EVERYTHING for her. Now you have broken the bargain the two of you made. You let her down. YOU broke the contract".
THAT is a life lesson that is devastating to hear, but it was the beginning of a new life for my girlfriend. Due to getting good help she never made that mistake again.
I think honestly the only way out at some times, the only way for us to stretch out of our awful but "known and comfortable" roles, is to get professional help to shake us up.
Have you ever sat and honestly thought "Why am I continuing to do this?" "What do I expect to happen?" "What is the best things that could happen?" "What is the most realistic expectation of outcome here?" Do you journal at all? I don't mean journal a litany of the unhappiness of the day, but really ask yourself the tough questions, make the lists of choices.
So sorry; it's all so awful, but there is one thing likely guaranteed. We don't change people. And people seldom do change what they are at the core. And the choice, finally, is in our own hands. Stand up for yourself. Get help for yourself. And make a good and decent family of good and decent people you choose for yourself. People who will treat you as you treat them, with love and respect.
So sorry; these are such hard times anyway, and dealing with all this makes it seem impossibly hard at some times. I surely do wish you the best. I know my telling you that this is in your hands isn't a gift, it is only one more burden, and I am so sorry for that, as well, but it will do you no good for me to say "Someday they will know how good you are and they will tell you so and you will be all healed", because that just isn't how I see it happening out there. Hugs, Burnt. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry for your position in the family. I was the middle child and always got the raw deal ("he's older, if you don't like it, don't put up with it," (when we were elementary school) and then when he would punch me, "well, what did you expect?" and "She's the baby , let her have her way." What comes to mind is the Christmas wish book - I never got to look at it, but this isn't about me, sorry.

Anyway, in our family, I am now the caregiver but my mom has dementia and doesn't remember that I wasn't her favorite child. She rather likes me now and says I'm the only one who has seen her naked (not true, my sister used to take her to her house for a bath and has helped clean her up here).

If you choose to be the caregiver, perhaps you'll be "lucky" and the one you are caring for will forget you're not the favorite.

Otherwise, like someone else said, it would be good for you to set boundaries, which is extremely uncomfortable for those of us who are used to doing what everyone expects.

I am glad you posted. I have found this is a safe place to vent and get support.

I think its the personality. And I think in the back of your mind and others, you are hoping you now will be appreciated and maybe find out your loved. Or, look, none of your "golden" children care. You are not the only one on this forum that is going thru what you are and you are the last people that should be caring for a person that has abused you in the past, by word or deed. I have never heard anyone on this forum that is in the same situation you are say "my LO now loves me for all I have done for them" The ones who have finally realized that nothing is going to change have walked away. Was it easy, no, but they are a little happier.

Great question!

You have answered your own question in your posting.

The grooming started long ago. People fall into a role that they felt was their responsibility because of a sense of obligation and guilt.

Hopefully, one day their perspective on the situation will change.

Unfortunately their perspective usually only changes when a person becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I’m sorry to hear that you were abused. I feel like God really made you stronger. The others are really weak. Your more compassionate at heart ❤️ And that’s why God Chose you to assist. Never mind how it seems. Trust me you will be Blessed for what God has you to do. Don’t worry just ask God to give you strength, courage, guidance and protection.
God Bless You!

Simple answer: because the scapegoat was given far less attention, supervision, and emotional and financial support, the scapegoat has had interrupted or no college education, lower earning power, abusive relationships, divorce, frequent moves, no home ownership, probably substance abuse issues that began in adolescence to deal with the neglect and abuse. As the decades pass, the scapegoat has little social or financial safety net, and when the elderly parent needs help, the scapegoat might actually need a place to stay, or at least the scapegoat is the loser in the family who is not tied down with a spouse or job or house, and so is "free" to spend all their time on the elderly parent's needs. They probably didn't plan on that outcome when they were emotionally crippling you in your childhood and youth, but it turns out to be an added benefit for them.

I think WE choose the jobs we want to take on. People who are abused by parents are constantly seeking approval from them, and so, tend to take on the thankless job of caring for them in the often futile hope of getting such approval or words of love.

Here is a quote that may help you today:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram

I think an abusive elder WILL expect the moon from anyone & everyone they can. It's up to YOU how much YOU are willing to give.

Please remember that YOU are important. YOU count. YOU are a valuable human being and a child of God. YOU matter. Take care of YOU today because you deserve to.

It’s not uncommon for one person to be a target.

That person does suffer an identity crisis after experiencing trauma in their childhood and adulthood.

My friend who grew up in Nebraska was the ‘targeted’ one with her mom and brothers. This woman had 5 brothers who treated her like crap. She doesn’t have a relationship with any of them now, nor her mom.

That’s all she knew. Sadly, she ended up in an abusive marriage as well.

It took a suicide attempt and a fairly long stay in a mental hospital before she could see that she had even been gaslighted. Grooming starts very young. Abusive men know who to target! It’s very sad.

Her mom would provide warm blankets for her brothers to sleep under and my friend said she dreaded Nebraska winters because her mom would take away her blanket as punishment.

Her mom was evil. Her dad left when she was little because she was so mean to him.

She wouldn’t allow my friend to see her dad.

Her dad remarried. She reconnected with him as an adult and she told me that her stepmom is like the mom she never had.

Her stepmom is a lovely woman who is kind. They are close. Her kids love her and call her grandma.

People who suffered abuse or continue to suffer abuse should never be the caregiver.

They deserve to become free from their abuser. It’s really hard to visit a friend in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt because her husband beat her so badly.

Thank God, she is doing well now. She did benefit from her stay in the mental hospital. She was away from her abuser long enough to focus on her therapy and start healing.

I think the scapegoat is the one who develops the insight and learns to process their situation on a different level. The scapegoat isn't afraid to hear others' opinions/thoughts because the scapegoat has not been conditioned that they are always right. Scapegoats can be good listeners and are not afraid to apply what they have learned because, again, the golden child is told they are infallible and always right - so what is there to learn from others? Golden children are always blameless. A scapegoat will really analyze to see if it's truly the other person's fault, are things truly always their OWN fault (as parents have taught them), or is blame really not always that important? Scapegoats can become very sensitive and thoughtful adults because they so badly do not want to repeat history and maybe the world will be a little better since they were in it. An above-the-law golden child would definitely not make a good caregiver and I think a lot of parents suddenly realize that as their care needs increase.

I always remind myself that the job of adult child to a senior parent is to make sure he/she/they are safe and healthy. It doesn't mean you have to do the caretaking, but make sure somehow that needs are met.

Of course, I have a difficult time caregiving the abusive parent in my life. My parents divorced and my dad will have nothing to do with me. He is cared for by public health and correctional facilities in the state he resides in.

I was in your shoes ( & it’s almost always a (or the) daughter): your education doesn’t matter - you’re supposed to give us grandchildren
AND stick around to take care of us! This is changing but way too slowly. <All siblings should contribute, not just “Cinderella”!!> Believe me, I know the resentment. Do what you can and try to forgive them, for your own peace of mind.

I think it is a continuation of the selfishness they have always displayed. The difference now is YOU have a choice to participate or not. You can make good care arrangements for them and step back.

I wouldn’t do it. I probably would have cut them out of my life a long time ago. Don’t do anything for them and don’t feel bad. You could help them find a nursing home and that would be all.

I know! Rubbish isn't it? I could kick myself and even that thought is inappropriate because it is exactly what I have been taught to do!
My parents trained me into the complaint, self effacing sibling. The others were free to be themselves, encouraged to be themselves!
As the daughter and the eldest, I was told to be what they thought I should be - compliant and responsible.
One thing I learnt late in the day is not to hate myself for not struggling out from under this. I tried but ended up succumbing. This thing is we have to remember that being manipulated from early childhood makes it very difficult to resist. Like all kinds of abuse it is formative. Like all kinds of abuse we are not at fault. Look after yourself and give yourself credit for identifying what is happening - it is a step towards control. x

I am so sorry, truly. Is there ANY way you can get out of it? And just walk away and live your own life far way? Cut off all communication?

It’s just a continuation of the abuse. It’s an illness. I stopped trying to understand the “why” of it and recognize the situation as unhealthy. I stopped expecting change from my parents and backed away. I worked hard to break my own victim pattern of behavior and surround myself with positive people. I cut my family off years ago. The bad talk and ridiculous expectations from your family will continue with or without you around to hear it.

There are those that will never understand and think you should step in and care for your parents because “they are your parents.” There are those that think healing will happen and you should easily “forgive.” That is what healthy families do - not our families. If we step back into the line of fire we are inviting misery and abuse back into our lives. Forgiveness for us means we move on with our lives and leave the misery behind.

I take care of my mother’s finances because there is no one else to do it. But I have no communication with her at all. I only speak to staff and medical providers. I have no expectations from her at all. It’s as if I’m caring for a mean stranger.

Good luck and thank you for posting and letting us share our own thoughts!

I am speaking from experience and it took me a few years of managing moms care to get here...so trust me, I get it. 

Basically you have two choices.

Option 1: You can walk away.  Let everything hit the floor.  Your siblings will step in or the state will step in when it gets bad enough.                                                  Option 2:  Take the high road and make arrangements to place your parent in a clean safe assisted living facility or long term care facility...whichever one they need.  You can manage their care without having to get too emotionally involved.  Make decisions when they need made, pay the bills, etc.   If your extended family start offering their unsolicited advice, and trust me they will, just tell them you are more than willing to step back and let them do it.  That's all you need to say.  Don't debate anything.

You are an adult and you are in charge of your life.

They have been training you for decades for this. To absorb abuse, say nothing, expect no fairness or justice. It's up to you to buck their system, and finally put your foot down. It doesn't matter what they expect; if they wanted you to care FOR them, they should have cared ABOUT you. Walk away and heal yourself with friends who love you.

Make an escape plan, now. Ask yourself, what is it that I want to do? How can I make that happen?

You may need skills you have to develop, resources you need to draw on, a way to make a living free from virtual bondage. Can you do that?

If not now, then when?

If you grew up being the whipping post and scapegoat it's obvious that as an adult you allow that to go on. By accepting the job of caring for your abusive parents while there are other children in the family you are reinforcing the idea that you are able to be bullied.
I know that a divorce isn't quite the same but I had a lot of emotional abuse for 38 years. After the divorce and lots of therapy and self-reflection I came to a basic truth. PEOPLE TREAT US THE WAY WE TEACH THEM TO.
You have allowed this to go on. Do you think that at some point the family and your parents are going to wake up and see what a selfless person you are; if so you are so deluded. They will just keep on taking until you are a shell of yourself. If that is how you want to live your life that's up to you. But in order to change you need to cut ties and let someone else bear the burden for awhile.

I understand that sometimes life dishes out unfair and offers an extra helping of irony as a side dish. Keep in mind, most of what we do in life, is by choice. Examine the situation and evaluate other choices. Maybe you have other options? There are financial programs and applications to get parents in assisted living. There are Social Workers that can help. If caregiving for abusive parents is not what you want, seek help.
Everyone vents and needs to vent. However, examine your true feelings, if you do not want to caregive, get help.
My dad was mean to me 7 months ago. I made a decision to Caregive anyway. I got meds for him that helped his moods. I joined 2 support groups for help. I have read 2 books on Dementia now.
I join a Zoom group every Tuesday for support.
You must either, get out of caregiving or get help.

Since nobody was asked to be born on this earth, it was the parents' obligation to care for you; you owe NOTHING to them. Nobody can force you to be caregiver. In fact, it will destroy your life. Now I willingly took care of my mom and never regretted it, but when she died that left me an emotional cripple which I am recovering after a year. I cannot imagine being *forced* to do it, which I would never recommend because you WILL need a good support system--someone is going to have to help you. And it also requires a healthy bankbook--caregiving is NOT cheap, and it costs money to live. Caregiving has other ramifications: It will affect your retirement. Eventually you will not be able to work at all, and that can last for years. Then they die and leave you without a means to support, and you are much older.

Get with a social worker, and get her on Medicaid.

I'm lucky. I'm employed after mom died, and I'm also in school. I'm trying to resume my life. However, because I love mom so much, this love causes considerable grief...and it is a basic understanding only the living suffer. Mom's suffering is over. Despite her extremely advanced Alzheimer's and many other illnesses such as insulin-dependent diabetes, she lived to be 90 with 15 years of Alzheimer's. Other diseases (chronic kidney disease and liver issues which she had for decades) from the complication of long-term insulin killed mom and Alzheimer's disease had nothing to do with it. In fact she did extremely well with tube feedings--she completely forgot how to swallow and drink, and I did not want her to die of dehydration which can take weeks. Mom did very well with her peg tube, never bothered it, and I got a "tube top" from Amazon to cover the tube. You have to put a covering because turning her could accidentally pull on the tube out--the "tube top" kept that from happening and is much more comfortable than any kind of abdominal binder. Her feeding tube took A LOT of care, but she never had a problem with it.

Did you know hiring a sitter is $20 an hour? They just sit and watch. Hands-on care is even more expensive.

If you are not willing to be caregiver, she will have to go to assisted living or a nursing home depending on their level of function. but DO NOT do it if you feel you are being forced into it.

But hey mom lived to be 90 with 15 years of Alzheimer's. I kept her going as long as I could and he was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months. She forgot how to stand and could not focus on that task. SO I made use of the Hoyer lift, and I had to change her about 5-6 times a day...and even had to manage her bowels with lactulose. You really NEED a Hoyer lift. Mom was on hospice for TWO YEARS. She never needed any narcotics or psychotropics. She only had symptoms of liver failure for one week before she died and did so very peacefully as hospice came over daily to make sure she was comfortable.

If it's true what you say, then I would let your parents know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way and let them know their choices of going into a home or having one of their other children that they showed love to take care of them.

As the family scapegoat I know how you feel. Your familial “role” is that of the scapegoat. Often during family crises these untoward roles resume. I think it is because your family is used to disparaging you. They disrespect you because you offer love even though that love is not reciprocated. This is a lifetime of learned behavior. You try to obtain their love and approval by availing yourself to them. Unfortunately this will never happen. Parents need a scapegoat to project their own insecurities, disappointments, and frustration. I have also noted that parents often cater to and feel sorry for the child who is the LEAST loving, caring, or successful. This is basically the same thing...but in reverse. Family dynamics are often difficult, inane and hurtful. They can tear families apart...and often the same dynamic is repeated in future generations. You subconsciously keep trying to get the familial love and approval you need and deserve. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the current situation and not allow your family to continually abuse you. I recommend seeing a mental health professional to help you sort this out, and realize this is NOT your fault. It took me a few years of introspection, counseling, and hard work to come to come to the realization that this pattern would continue. Only by changing my perspective was I able to take away their power to hurt me,

I can only relate to "half" of this. I was, out of 6 children in my family; the scapegoat of the family. My narcissistic father (who passed away in 2016) emotionally abused my mother and I. I'm now taking care of my 88 year-old mother, who has dementia. She was NOT abusive in any way. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you; but what you will get from me, is EMPATHY AND COMPASSION; because I know EXACTLY what it's like to deal with an abusive parent. God bless you BurntCaregiver. (((((((HUGS))))))) :)

I think you are confusing your personal situation with reality. Usually, the carer ends up being the most responsible and/or most guilt ridden or proximate member of the family, whether they are the family scapegoat or not. The decision may be driven by other siblings refusal to take responsibility, either passively by making excuses that seem valid on the surface, or actively by refusing to care for a parent because of a poor relationship history. Sometimes carers take on the burden because they are lonely, believe they have something to gain financially, need a roof over their own head or have more money and/or more flexibility than other members of the family. To hear most people on this forum tell it, once the decision is made, your siblings will leave
you with it for the duration. Once you make the commitment, you won’t get a reprieve unless you actively refuse to do it any longer and/or take steps to rid yourself of the parent any way you can. I’ve seen dozens of posts on this forum urging caregivers, without compunction, to do exactly that.

You need to tell your relatives NOW that you have no intention of taking care of your abusive parent and walk away. Get counseling, if necessary, to make the decision stick and communicate it to your siblings and other potential caregiver relatives. Because of your history and your current attitude, you are at higher risk of becoming an abuser yourself. Do not put yourself in that position by attempting to care for an elder you may resent or actually despise. Being a caregiver is hard enough for folks who love their parent(s); it’s almost impossible if you know your parent is going to continue a pattern of abuse while progressing daily to a more and more dependent and vulnerable state. For your sake snd the sake of your parent, make it clear that you are not going to do it. Even so, you must be prepared for the consequences when you do.

It is indeed a terrible and thankless situation you are in. You cannot change how people choose to treat you but you can choose how you react to how they treat you. I also am the family scapegoat. Some family members, namely my only sibling, will never change how they treat me but I have finally realized (late in life) that I can choose how to react to them. My advice, do what is best for you. Your first responsibility is to take care of you. Then do the best you can for your elder or step away if you cannot handle the abuse. When others in the family criticize you IGNORE, yes IGNORE THEM. No response. This is not easy to do but with time you will learn to put your own well being first rather than defend yourself to family members criticisms of you. Remember, whenever you respond to their criticism of you, you are reinforcing their belief they have the right to crtiticize / judge you. Silence as response works best for a family scapegoat.
Took me a long time to learn this and it's still hard not to respond but no reponse dowses the fire rather than fueling it. I wish you the best Burnt Caregiver. Believe in yourself and take your power back from those unworthy to hold it. Your life has value regardless of how they view you. You are caregiving while others are critcizing. You are the better person. Bless you.

Set boundaries. There’s an excellent book by Townsend titled ‘Boundaries’.
And once you’ve set those boundaries, stick to them.
My elderly father tried once to yell at me. That was once and won’t happen again. He knows I’ll walk off. I choose not to be a scapegoat.
I care for both parents who still live in their own home. Meals, housework, meds etc.

I totally DISAGREE with the answers below....they have the "blame the victim" approach here.

It's because we have the "caring & responsible genes turned on"...and the others...don't...it is that basic.

I will write more later....but don't take it personally, that is a treatment that you are asking for or something you need. That is just textbook, easy way out approach, and most every situation is NOT textbook... in my humble opinion. : )