Why does the family scapegoat almost always end up as the family caregiver?

The scapegoat of the family never turned into a narcissist. Any ideas of exaggerated self-worth had been squashed decades ago. They are empathetic and have something called guilt and even shame. Even if the relationship to the parent is strained and even though they have resentment, even anger, they know right from wrong. The "favorites" don't. They are used to someone else taking the blame and responsibility. In their minds, they have no obligation to the parent who spoiled them. Let Cinderella do it. She will, you know.
I've seen this time and again and in my own family. I was neither the scapegoat or the favorite in one setting, but could have done more to help. I regret I didn't. In my husband's family, he was the scapegoat and we were the ones left standing when everyone else deserted the old dear. It isn't fair or right, but it is how it is. Don't let it ruin your life. You may have to make hard choices, but put you and your family first. The least the others could do is pay you. Yes. Pay you as they would a caretaker. It helps with resentment and is really only fair. All the best.

Funny... I am the family scapegoat and I care for my mom in my home. She is in a hospital bed, cannot move or speak, needs to be fed with a syringe, changed, bathed, moved with a Hoyer, etc. My brothers (local) visit once or twice a year and don’t even wish me a Happy Birthday. From what I’ve read, the scapegoat child is usually the most sensitive and eager to please. I never want anyone to feel as alone or unloved as I did, so I go out of my way to make sure those around me don’t feel that way. I agree with bb1123... the scapegoat is the least self-centered. My two brothers actually demanded that I split the $12/hour pay I receive from Medicaid with them. (They actually expected me to send them each $4/hour... and my older brother is a multi millionaire.) Every penny I earn goes toward mom’s food and supplies. We went to court over this and the judge did not agree with them. That’s how unbalanced and bizarre this situation is. Hang in there and know you will go to the Highest Heaven.

I was neglected as a child and abused by my older siblings. I willingly took on responsibility for my mother because I had the most flexibility to do so. I once had to let my mother know that if she yelled at me ever again, I would simply leave. I had to tell my older sister that she had no right at all to tell me what I should do in order to care for my mother. My brother ignores us pretty much. My siblings both live out of state, and I have stood up by ignoring them completely. I am in control now, I am no longer the scapegoat, I am no longer influenced by them at all.
However, I made the choice to care for my parent in her elderly years. I am in charge and no one is allowed any longer to tell me what to do or when to do it. I am trying to tell you to be bold, take care of your sanity and show yourself self-love. If your parent is abusive, it is likely time to look for alternative living conditions.
I am lucky. My parent realizes that I came through for her. Yes, I am happy to finally be in charge, and I am happy to show that all along, my siblings were self-absorbed, They are performing true to form. For me, there is some redemption in being the reliable child, in being the responsible child. I needed that so that I could come out of the rut of self-criticism and doubt I had learned as a child.

I wouldn't say that we had a "scapegoat" in the family, though Mom and Dad, being human, certainly had their favorites. I wasn't a favorite. The 3rd daughter (no sons at that point), curious and very active, and very much unplanned to boot, I didn't even come close to favorite. Later my brother, then another sister were also born. That little sister and I were least favorite. The only son, the first daughter and the nicest child sort of traded places as favorites. The #2 daughter was nicest: she was pretty, charming, and eager to please; a quiet child in a noisy family. We all liked her best or next to best.

That favored child is the one who is the principle caretaker of our mother, not the least favored, though we also assist in her care. In every case we each do what we choose to do for Mom. Although we do not agree on what Mom needs or should have, we sort of mash out an understanding of who is doing what, when. Except the brother, who does nothing. (This is so often a thing, I wonder why.)

I think something that happened in our family that does not happen in all families is that we grew up, left home, and redefined ourselves as adults when we were still in our 20's and 30's. At various times and distances we each had long periods in our lives when our principle influences and acquaintances were completely unrelated to us. I really do believe that most families are dysfunctional on some level and that we do ourselves a big favor to learn who we are when we are not in that family situation that hurt us when we were growing up. The scars are still there, and some of the memories from my childhood still hurt when I think of them. However, I learned that I am not that hurt child, I am the person I choose to be now, instead.

In our 50's we started coming back together again, very gradually. It was a rather tentative process, but we each learned who the others had become. We sisters are now family again and we can enjoy some of the memories of happy times together, though we don't identify the same events as happy times. It is good knowing each other again. We will always be getting over our childhood and our struggles, but we will also always be accepting of who each of us is now. That is the keystone of our family happiness now that we are quickly moving into our 70's. Two sisters are already in their 70's, I turn 70 in December, the youngest in 2.5 years.

That may be more about me than you wanted to read, but I put it all out there to get to the next point: it is never to late to become the person you want to be instead of the child who reacted to whatever was dysfunctional in the family. No, it is not your mother's right to demand of you what she never did for you. Neither would it be her right to demand things she did do for you. She made her choices and you get to make your choices.

Set aside time for yourself to discover yourself, relate to friends of your choosing, and enjoy the person you want to be. You may no longer have decades to bring that adult in you to its full power, but you do have time to reclaim the most important parts of yourself.

Do what YOU think that YOU want to do with and for your mother and do not feel any guilt about leaving some slack in her life. You may have had no choice about your life as a child, but you do have choices now. You could even choose to stop caregiving altogether if that is what you really want. At this point, it is not about your mother's wishes as much as it is about what YOU want to do for her. It is neither a good or a bad thing to care for your mother's needs. It is a good thing for you to do what you choose to do for her and a good thing, also to do what you need to do for yourself. Whatever you choose to do, pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you make good decisions for yourself.

The person who was the scapegoat can always say, "I can't do it." I got to that point.

I think it is because we always think If I just do this, or that, they will love me. People have a great need to be loved by their parents. I did, not that it did me any good. As my mother said, "I never cared about you. I never cared if you had food or clothes, I just didn't care."

I had about 6 years of therapy, it helped a lot. I saw to her care, never with me again. My brother (the Golden Child) would see her about once a year. Before I sought help, my husband had her come live with us in a Granny apartment downstairs. It helped break up our marriage. After awhile, I could stand to touch her, To the day she died at almost 95, I could not stand for her to touch me.

I highly recommend therapy, not so called "Christian" type, but someone who can really help you get a backbone.

I am the only girl in the family. When my mom left, it was me and 3 boys. (2 older, 1 younger). I became "mom". Than after high school, my wild side came out and I traveled for a while, waiting tables in disco's and having fun. Came back home, got married, divorced after 5 years, and went to college. I don't know why, but my father turned on me and verbally abused me non stop thru letters from his new home in FL. And my brothers joined in. They had all moved out of state except my alcoholic brother. Over the next 15 years, I took care of my gramma, my aunt, my brother, another aunt and than after the elders passed, I moved to small town in TN where I did not know a soul, and had never even been before. Bought a house over the internet and moved. 1 year later, my alcoholic brother sold his house in MI and bought one 2 blocks away from me in my blissful little paradise I had created for myself, free from family drama and abuse. Shortly after, he had 3 strokes and there I was, back in the thick of it. Taking care of my brother, no help from family, just verbal abuse. I tried to sell my house but it was 2008 and it sat for 2 years. Than, 3 years ago I got sick and could no longer care for my brother. The family turned their back on me when I needed help. Said I was a hypochondriac. I have been in bed 3 years and not one visit from family. The illness is a rare disease not treated here. I have asked for help selling my house and moving home for treatment, but they won't. They just tell themselves I'm making it up so they can live free of guilt and inconvenience. They yell at me, and say the most awful things. Now, only one brother speaks to me.
I think the answer to your question is that they molded you with their abuse. Maybe you are very compassionate, but in their eyes they see compassion, empathy and sensitivity as weakness. Until they got sick. Then your gifts of compassion and empathy are used against you by expecting you to be the caregiver.
My advice. Go live the life you want and deserve. If you want to care for them, do so. If not, don't. They made their bed by destroying you with blame, accusations, and gaslighting. You don't owe them anything. You paid your dues with the affect their abuse has had on you. You paid with your happiness and sanity. Buy an RV, grab a dog, and hit the road. Travel, meet people, create your bliss. Call them on holidays and if they try to guilt you, tell them "Oh...let me call you back. Someones at the door or I have another call". Hang up and call a month later.
I'll go with you bc I have had it. LOL. Kidding. My Dad passed and my brothers don't care about me so I'm grieving the loss of my life and my family. Trying to find treatment so I can live. Than I will be carefree again, I pray.
I wish you happiness and joy!! You deserve it!!

I was not the scapegoat, but the middle child. Older sib given money for various things and moved a 15 hour drive away and younger given much monetary assistance who then abandoned the family. I was responsible (my choice) since the other two were not around to help mom and dad in their mis 80s and beyond. It is interesting that the child who received the least attention paid the parents the most. Mom and dad tried to remain independent of my help as long as they could and I respected that, but I bore it all after they couldn't. Mom and dad were appreciative, tho.

I asked this question myself a while ago and got some interesting answers, mostly seeming to suggest we have been brainwashed from an early age into thinking it is our duty to make all our parent's problems go away. Even at nearly 60 I found myself feeling 'I OUGHT to go round and see my mother' as I passed her apartment block today on a brief exercise break in a heavy working day, even though she chooses to have no technology that would keep her in touch with the family and not to make friends with any of her fellow residents, and has given up walking despite having no real physical problems beyond natural ageing.

I no longer expect to earn her love, but still act more out of guilt and fear of what others will think if they find out that I really wish my mum hadn't moved to just down the road from us (her idea, not ours)!

My husband is much 'kinder' to my mother than I am because she favours (i.e. relies on) him and he wasn't brought up to doubt his own value or whether he was loved, as I was. This caused a great deal of friction between us before lockdown, but it seems he is less willing to be her errand boy now after eight months off!

I am a Christian and it can sometimes make the dilemma worse, as you can be led to feel you are bad for not 'laying down your life' for your parent. But that is a misreading of scripture, I think. I too have had counselling this year and it is helping, but it will take ages to undo the erosion of my identity over 50+ years and I doubt I shall ever be truly free till my mother passes.

God. I really relate. I wonder if it just some ppl’s experience, or if it is actual rule.

Burntcaregiver:

If your parent was abusive to you, and remains abusive, you owe them nothing. You also should not feel guilty for walking away.

You may forgive your abuser, if you wish, but you need not allow them to continue to emotionally abuse you as an adult.

Ask yourself what it is that you expect by taking on this duty?

If it is that your mother or father will finally treat you better, or apologize for the abuse, or neglectful treatment....that will likely not happen.

Maybe you can take this elder to visit the favored child, then walk outside, get in the car and drive away, or walk away.

Let that favored adult child deal with the person.

Also, as others have mentioned, please get counseling to address your childhood abuse or neglect or both.

Hugs

Why are you agreeing to be the caregiver?

Why do you expect change from family members who have behaved consistently your whole life?

Far out, can certainly relate to the irony of situation. Takes considerable amounts of fortitude and good character to treat those that never appreciated you with kindness and all that is required in the very difficult role of a caregiver. Surely there must be a way out? Let the favorite ones figured what’s best. By the way I like how you express yourself. Best of everything!

BurntCaregiver, Your vent really hit home with me. I was brainwashed at a very young age by my narcissistic mother and was made to be at her side always. When she passed away my father broke a hip and the need for a caregiver for him was given to me. I am the youngest of three and the two older siblings are quite happy to let me do the work. My father is a complicated man and can be mean and verbally abusive. He didn't take part in our lives other than to deal the punishment and ignore us most of the time. He treats the PSW's like gold and then turns to me and is nasty after they leave. It's time for me to say no to this and I do not feel guilty about it at all. I believe my parents just didn't know how to love their children and it has made for a difficult life, but with a lot of work I have healed and am at a good place now. My heart goes out to all who have also gone through this. Know your value!

And I am so grateful for this forum where we have the space to speak freely and find compassion. Thank you all!

Take care, Tempestdelfuego.

I'm so sorry for you as I know exactly the pain you are describing. Maybe you were able to save yourself a bit more than me and you have some sort of life outside of your parents. In any event, it is not a given that you have to caretake. My new motto with my abusive family is "do unto to others as they have done unto you - over a lifetime." You don't have to continue to be a scapegoat. Don't allow it anymore. Escape if you can and live the life you deserved to have all along.

I don’t this this is the case in every family.

I had a wonderful loving relationship with my parents and rushed to step forward whenever they needed help.

Over the course of many years, my uninvolved siblings begin to grow resentful of the relationship.

Life in my family became difficult for me once my parents grew ill. That’s when the fighting over their estate by my previously apathetic siblings started (before my parents’ death).

Not just parents but the younger sibling who didn't like being #2 so has been nasty to the older sibling for life. My bad for making the death bed promise to mom because no one else in the family (brother and his adult children and others) would take her in. While she has been very unwell for the past 3 years it's been ok but now that she is on road to recovery I'm walking on egg shells daily in my own home. She refuses to accept that there is no pot of gold and spends like a crazy on Christmas and birthday gifts no one likes and returns for store credit while she has maxed out her credit card. I'm on her bank account and the latest is a loan to a friend leaving her with about $100.00 in the bank until she is repaid which is already overdue. She has the nastiest temper -- refuses to accept responsibility and blames everyone for her problems. I've told friends that I can't support trump because I live with a similar person and I cannot trust her. She has been emotionally abusive and on 3 occasions physical -- I can't wait for her to finally be able to live on her own -- and when she leaves the door doesn't reopen.

I have not read other responses but I will give you my feelings. As a child it is hard to stand up or speak up to a parent but as we become adults it is up to us to stand up for ourselves and speak up. Of course by that time an adult child has been led to believe they have no choice or deserve it. You don’t! As an adult, one should not allow anyone to mistreat us or take advantage of us.

Of course taking care of a parent or spouse is not always easy through their senior years or illnesses. Often times things are said or done that can make the caregiver feel hurt but the caregiver needs to take in consideration this might be because of their dementia, etc.

If a person who is in the position of being the caregiver, no matter how that has happened, feels they can not, for what ever reason, care for the person with great care they need to seek other help for the person. There are many services that can help with that. They can advise what ever is best in the situation.

Just remember we can not be taken advantage of unless we allow it.

This is soo true and I can relate to first-hand experience. I’m a firm believer in karma and good things will come your way taking the higher road. You got this!

At this point Burnt, I see 48 responses. I love this forum. At 65+ (and just on the other side of my 'primary caregiver' role), my studied conclusion is that the others were NEVER as strong emotionally or spiritually as I was or am--which I think is probably why they didn't ever like me, were threatened by me, resented me, were afraid of me--made me the 'SCAPEGOAT'. This was understood at a basic 'pack' level all along, it's a human being phenomena. Yeah, it's 'unfair'---but part of our goodness AND strength is that we are forced to come to terms with such a concept of 'fairness', and find serenity in, our better, blessed natures. As time goes on, awareness of and gratitude for my strength becomes more assured, solidified. I'm no longer involved, and the situation with the three parties (mom and my 2 sisters) has sadly only continually devolved since I finally gave 30 days notice and left after 5 years. A handful of close, trusted, respected friends and advisors (spiritual and a gifted therapist) lovingly nudged me along those 5 years. Acceptance with dignity and grace of the reality of 'no satisfaction' has been my key. Love and prayers.

Burntcaregiver: I am so sorry that you're going through this. Prayers sent.

You surely strike all the right chords with me, like you already. Be safe!

It probably has more to do with you taking on the role. Those who feel like they were not treated well by family tend to spend much of their life doing many things for them hoping for that one moment of approval and praise.

Some may eventually apologize for past behavior towards the 'scapegoat', as you call it. Others have been doing it for so long they don't even realize the things they have said and done had long lasting effects. It's also possible, these same people were just as nasty to others but you failed to see it through your own pains.

If the parent still has a good mind, speak up the very next time something mean comes up. Be very specific - do you have any idea how bad that comment makes me feel? All of my life, I have felt pain from your words. YET, here I am taking care of your every need. Do you want to continue to have my help? Then I would like your help by being nicer to me.

Same here,I just think of it as carma and keep my chin up and keep moving forward and doing the best that we can no matter what , when it's all said and done you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of you ,. Prayers for you.

I have given up being perfect. I focus on healing myself and keep work on boundaries. Realizing it is normally a generational problem.

I'm at a great loss for you about being the at whipping post,. What I did was hit the ground running and never looked back, my be harsh and I'm still at the post . good luck.

I have the same feelings about caring for my mother too. It is so hard to forget the crap we had to grow up with and now....none of the others help. I am expected to take the load. I am trying to TODAY remove myself as POA and sump it on them

As the family scapegoat myself I think it has something to do with us accepting it and not having any boundaries. Yes, we also were conditioned in childhood to see that making sacrifices for the family was the way we could receive some momentary responses that resembled acceptance from family members. Most of us usually just keep doing it into adulthood, and others feel entitled to remain removed from it all. You do not have to keep doing it though and can stop at any time.

Dear Burnt,
Where were you when I was growing up in a very similar family situation? We could have supported one another! Now that my family are all gone I am actually living life without the dysfunctional drama. It's rather peaceful, though at times very sad during Holidays. I'm getting to know myself and working on projects and fun I never had time for.
Alanon principals seem to help penetrate the lifelong abusive cycle. I'm walking cautiously and self protectively. Anyone too familiar I walk away from. I never liked the saying " there are no victims, only volunteers" so I notice I'm saying 'let me check my life/appointment calendar first.'
Mom's death was difficult. She was a tormented soul. Took care if her 24/7 for 6 years...dementia. I finally forgave her on her deathbed. Her last words, " I failed you." I am free now, no guilt.
Hoping something resonates.
There is life after it's over....

I was rudely told by my brother that doing my mom's Christmas shopping and wrapping was "the least I could do" for her. He, who gave her a lot of grief growing up and "borrowed" money from her in large amounts for years, besides being given a $35,000 vehicle, felt the need to tell me that. I paid her to take care of my son when I worked, went to mow her lawn and take her trash out weekly after my stepfather passed, took her to medical appointments and shopping, looked after her finances and made sure her bills were paid, and had her living with me for 5 years. But it is the "least I can do."

Your abuse as a child will never go away. Even if you have forgiven them and it does not sound like you have. You do not indicate you have a caregiver mentality.
Your mind that was damaged by your parent will always be there. The duration of your "care" for your abusive parent.....you will gradually lose patence. That results in frustration that will increase and you will abuse your parents in suttle ways and that will become serious for them and for you, as time goes on. You obviously need to place them or it will disrupt all areas of your life. Your childhood abuse has permanently changed your relationship with your parents. As a adult it has not gone away.